HUMOR Digest - 17 Jun 1997 to 18 Jun 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 405 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sports
  2. Fry Tim McVeigh (clean)
  3. A Pronouncement to the International Humor Community
  4. Top Ten List (poss. off. to Christians)
  5. Close Call <vulgar, racial stereotypes>
  6. Bill Gates' Home
  7. What it means when a man says, "I love you" to a woman <somewhat offensive
     to women>
  8. Family Quarrels
  9. The bill.
 10. Wedding Anniversary <adult>

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Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 03:31:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sports

* To me, a well adjusted man is one who can play golf, tennis, poker
  and chess as if they were games.
                                - - - - -

*   You often forget that visitors from other countries might not even
  understand the game of baseball.  I took a British visitor to see an
  Oriole game in Baltimore.  Although I was careful to keep him informed
  of what was happening and why, I will confess that I got caught up in
  the game when we got the bases loaded.
    "I Say !  Why is the crowd cheering so madly with each and every
  toss of the ball ?" he asked.
    Embarrassed that I hadn't explained, I quickly said, "Well, we're in
  a great position to score some runs.  We have a man on every base."
    "But..." he countered, "So has the other team !"
                                - - - - -

* A sports commentator, trying to interest women in boxing, wanted to make
  them feel this could be their sport too.  He started off the broadcast
  with these immortal words: "Hi there fight fans and fannies."
                                - - - - -

*   After getting creamed terribly, I had honestly put forth a pretty sad
  performance in a mixed doubles match.  All of us walked to a near-by
  umbrella table and sat down.  I was seeking a way to save face.  So far,
  no one had said a word.  I took a sip of my drink and made an initial
  effort to lighten the moment saying, "Funny game... Tennis."
    My partner, more than a little put off by my poor playing, said sourly,
  "It isn't meant to be !"
                                - - - - -

* A buddy of mine, a true golfing nut, really hates to have his wife along
  in any foursome.  Forced to ask her one day,  she agreed.  As she was about
  to tee off, she turned to him and said, "Be sure to tell me if you notice
  anything I'm doing right."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 16:37:44 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Fry Tim McVeigh (clean)

Fry Tim McVeigh - sing to the tune of YMCA (by the Village People)
-----
Trials - there's one every day
I said trials - spent 2 years with OJ
With these trials - now we're on Tim McVeigh
And there's one thing we want to say

chorus

We want the jury to
FRY Tim Mcveigh
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
We don't want no parole
We don't want no appeal
We don't want no big bargain deal

We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
WE want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
Send him straight to the chair
Shave his crewcut - dork hair
And don't stop till he's medium rare


We know - he's a murdering scum
We think - he should be strung up by his thumbs
For what he did - with his rented truck bomb
And now that the trial has begun

Connections - there's a new one each week
They've been published - by some internet geek
And by Playboy - we know they'd never lie
It's all there right by Miss July

repeat chorus

Lawyers - we won't let this one go
So reserve him - the best room on death row
In the meantime - while he waits in the pen
Let's hope some hulk makes Tim his girlfriend !

repeat chorus

(Submitted to the Oracle list by Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org)

======================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 11:20:55 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Pronouncement to the International Humor Community


My fellow citizens of HUMOR, I come before you today to bring you word of an
outrage committed upon the international humor community!

Once upon a time the English were content to merely plunder the the standard
commodities of their colonies.  Now, it seems, they also plunder intellectual
property!

Humor aficionados will recognize _most_ of the following essay as the work
of a young American (as in North American, Gringo, Yankee, ETC.) who was
applying for college --not university.  I do not recall the fellow's name, but
he was interviewed on National Public Radio here in the US at the time that he
wrote the essay.  He later went to a US college.

Well, the bloody Limeys 'ave gotten their hands on this wonderful piece and
appropriated it to the canon of Brit Lit.  Note the references to what them
Brits call "football," the non-US gameshow and that "Breville Toaster."

I say enuff is enuff!   Let us posthumously name P.G.Wodehouse an US citizen in
retaliation!

DON'T TREAD ON ME!!!!!

				*********************


Subject: University Entrance Essay

This is an actual essay written by a university applicant. The author, Graham
Gallagher, now attends Southampton University {SIC, SIC, SIC}.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR UNIVERSITY TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in
Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern
Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65
secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 11:23:48 -0400
From:    David R Beach <dbeach@OSF1.GMU.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List (poss. off. to Christians)

Top ten things that would be different if the 12 Apostles had been gay:

10.     The last supper would have been a brunch.
9.      The beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they. . ."
8.      The Triumphal Entry screams for a drag number.
7.      The water at the wedding feast of Cana would not have been
        changed to wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a
        touch of Curacao for color.
6.      The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just
        re-decorated.
5.      Mary's hair would have been flawless.
4.      The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.
3.      Priests would have affairs with altar boys. . . wait, never mind.
2.      Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
1.      The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 12:53:02 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Close Call <vulgar, racial stereotypes>

  A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon
the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
  The small white guy faints !!
  The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small white guy "What's
wrong?".
  The small white guy says; "Excuse me, but what did you say?".
  The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown."
  The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 13:14:43 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Bill Gates' Home

Building officials from a dozen local municipalities toured Bill and Melinda
Gates' house, still under construction,  last month, below are the comments
from one of the officials.

* No visible electrical outlets anywhere. Gates does not like "clutter."
* Construction likely complete in September 1997, 3 months behind owner's
  schedule.
* 112 steps from the main floor to the main entry (or take the elevator).
* Wood columns from main floor to roof in entry area are over 70 feet long.
* All timbers used inside and out are finished the same - 3 inches have been
  removed from the exterior of the wood and then sanded to a satin finish and
  there are virtually no knots.
* All bolts throughout the house are stainless steel and oriented the same
  direction.
* All woodwork is flawless. Much of the woodwork is of various rare species
  from all over the world.
* Some of the interior passage doors weigh over 800 lbs, but are balanced
  for easy use.
* Acoustics are a concern throughout. Various woods and fabrics are used.
  Acoustic panels in the Ballroom move out of sight on their own.
* Roofing is stainless steel.
* Floor is heated everywhere including the driveway and walks.
* Security system (automated and personnel) is redundant. Hidden cameras
  everywhere including interior stone walls. Sensors in the floor can track a
  person to within 6 inches. System is monitored at the Microsoft campus.
* Gates has a personal 4-car garage. House for the maintenance staff has its
  own 3-car garage. Nanny parks in the 6-car carport across from the main
  entry. An additional 10-cars can be parked in a subterranean arched concrete
  building which through an electronic transformation becomes a
  basketball court.
* Nanny lives in plush quarters near the Gates' bedroom.
* Existing cedar tree was determined by Gates to be in the wrong location
  and moved 6 inches.
* Gates insisted on saving a 140 year old maple adjacent to the driveway.
  The tree is monitored electronically 24 hours per day via computer. If it
  seems dry, it gets just the right amount of water automatically delivered.
* There will be an 18 hole putting range. A salmon hatchery is being finished.
* If you wish, your favorite music will follow you throughout the house -
  even at the bottom of the pool.
* Many doors are blended so well with the walls that it is hard to see them.
* Theater (underground in a concrete shell) is the most state of the art
  theater in the world according to specialty contractor.
* Entry gate senses when your car approaches and opens fully by the time you
  arrive.
* Very old antique cabinets from China have been brought in and built into
  the walls with adjacent paneling built to match the cabinets exactly.
* 52 miles of communication cable in the building.
* Shower curtain next to the spa is a 4500 lb. slab of granite.
* Melinda has 42 linear feet of clothes hanging space in her closet operated
  like a dry cleaner's rack.
* Master bathtub can be filled to the right temperature and depth by Gates
  as he drives home from work.
* Only two guest bedrooms.
* There is a 28 foot high cantilever retaining wall.
* Reinforcing steel in all concrete is four times the code minimum.  No. 18
  steel wrapped with no. 5 ties was common for simple columns.
* There is a loading bay within the building.
* An interior designer disagreed with the layout of a portion of the home.
  Demolition resulted and 160 cubic yards of cured, cast-in-place concrete was
  removed.
* All building officials were suffering "sensory overload" shortly after the
  3-hour tour started.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 19:34:08 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: What it means when a man says, "I love you" to a woman
         <somewhat offensive to women>

Those three little words - how often they are used.  Translation of this
phrase is as follows:

Please sleep with me.
I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. (I think).
I forgot to buy you a gift, this will have to do.
Huh? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What did I forget?  This should buy me a little time.
Stop nagging me.
What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Parting shot:  My wife and I went to this new cannibal restaurant the
other night.
It cost us an arm and a leg!!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 21:58:41 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Family Quarrels

   After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her
  servant: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel
  now the same as you used to?"
     "No, indeed, Ma'am," was the reply.
     "That is good.  I'm sure you're very glad of
  it, aren't you?"
     "I surely am."
     "What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?"
  the lady asked.
     The explanation was simple and sufficient:
     "He died."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 22:16:08 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The bill.

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make
it.  She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn.  Later the father
received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee:  $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front
lawn.  A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee:  $200."

- - - - -
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 09:18:59 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Wedding Anniversary <adult>

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam
says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was
wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now?  You
don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...

Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...  Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me....  So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...  Well...."

"Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life...  I couldn't have a more wonderful wife...  To do such a thing, oy
vay, you must really love me darling...  I couldn't be more moved... So,
all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the congregation....  And you were 47 votes short...."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jun 1997 to 18 Jun 1997
************************************************
