HUMOR Digest - 15 Jun 1997 to 16 Jun 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 288 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Just Lookin' <some adult humor>
  2. Get your priorities straight <mild sexual content> <offensive to women's
     rights>
  3. What are you? (off. politicians)
  4. Yiddish joke
  5. Divorce
  6. Dr joke, mildly offensive
  7. A Guide To Man-Machine Interface
  8. Little Lizy <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 02:37:47 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Just Lookin' <some adult humor>

* I have to differ with that old adage that men do not make passes at
  girls who wear glasses.  Really ! I think it depends on their frames.
                                - - - - -

*   At a fund raising event in Columbia Maryland, a Yuppie was holding
  court at the bar, listing all the virtues he was seeking in a girl.
    He said: "Bottom line gentlemen...  I'm looking for a virgin of good
  breeding who doesn't drink, smoke, use profanity or have bad habits."
    I smirked and said, "Whatever for ?"
                                - - - - -

* Girl at CD player to boyfriend sitting on the couch.  "Now don't go
  getting the wrong idea.  This isn't music to do anything by."
                                - - - - -

*   Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner.  Although it
  turned out to be a topless restaurant, Mrs. JimJr was a pretty good
  sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
    On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't
  keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.
    "Awwwww come on." I said.  "It wasn't that bad."
    "Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.
    "What ?" I replied.  "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
    "ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.
                                - - - - -

*   At a wedding reception, this fellow was eyeing an attractive young
  lady.  He looked her over from head to toe a number of times, before
  approaching to ask her to dance.
    "Well ???" she asked.  "Did I pass my physical ???"
                                - - - - -

*   My wife and I were sitting at an ocean front coffee house and I was
  reading the paper as a steady parade of bikini clad girls went by.
    She looked over at me and said, "Those AREN'T your reading glasses."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 09:08:19 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Get your priorities straight <mild sexual content> <offensive to
         women's rights>

A well to do gentleman is going out with three different girls,  but he's
getting tired of it (oh really?) and wants to settle down with one of
them.  So, he decides to give each one of them $5000 and observe what
each one of them does with it, without any specific instructions from
him.

The first one goes out and gets a total "makeover" with the money.  She
gets new clothes, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, etc., and she informs
her boyfriend that she did it so she could look her "best" for him.  The
man was flattered by the woman's actions.

The second one goes out and buys new golf clubs, a CD player, a wide
screen television and a digital stereo system, which she gives to the
man.  She tells him, "I bought these gifts for you honey,  because I love
you so much!"  The man was very very happy with the gifts.

The third woman takes the $5000, invests it in the stock market, quickly
triples her initial investment and gives the man his $5000 back with
interest and tells him, "I've given you back what you gave to me, with
interest.  I'm taking what's left and re-investing it in the market for
our future, because I love you so much."  The man was highly impressed
with this girlfriend's actions.

The man thought hard and long about how each one of his girlfriends had
spent the money he gave them.  It was a tough decision, but in the end he
came to the only conclusion that made sense - he married the one with the
biggest boobs!!

(Hey guys, is this reality or what?)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 18:29:02 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: What are you? (off. politicians)

The newly-hatched snake and the newly-born rabbit came face to face.
Both were so young their eyes had not yet opened. Neither knew what
the other was so they decided to feel each other and make a guess.
  First the snake slithered over the rabbit and then concluded: "You
have warm fur, whiskers and long ears. You must be a bunny."
  Then the rabbit ran its paws over the snake. "You are slippery and
have no balls. You must be a politician."

- Weekend Argus (South Africa) June 14/15

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 21:04:23 GMT
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Yiddish joke

This is a typical Yiddishe joke (which means not everyone other than Lize
Lubbe may appreciate it!)

At 3am in the morning, the phone at the Shevra Kaddisha rings.
"Hello" says Hyme answering the phone, "this is Hyme at Shevra Kaddisha"
"Oi, Hyme, its Abe Cohen:- my wife has just died"
"Abe, Abe, go back to sleep. You're just having a nightmare. I personally
buried your wife 10 years ago!" says Hyme.
"No Hyme, you don't understand; I remarried last year" replies Abe.
"Oh?" says Hime, "I didn't know: Mazeltov!"

Interpretation: The Shevra Kadisha (excuse my spelling) is the Jewish Burial
Society; as soon as someone passes away, one called the Shevra Kadisha to
collect the body and arrange the funeral. And Mazeltov means Congratulations!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 17:22:22 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Divorce

  For five years it was a toss-up between a trip
  to Bermuda or a divorce.  They decided to split
  up, reasoning that a vacation is over in two
  weeks, but a divorce is something they would
  always have.

                     Woody Allen

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 17:33:22 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dr joke, mildly offensive

Schmuel goes to the doctor.  He has a string hanging out of his rear.
The doctor says that this is most unusual.  "I don't know what to make of it.
 I have no diagnosis.  Perhaps we should just pull the string and see what
happens."
The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string.  He pulled, and pulled and
out came a dozen long stemmed american beauty roses.
"My G-d," proclaimed the doctor.  "I've never seen that before.  Where do you
suppose they came from?"
Schmuel replied, "I don't know.  Is there a card?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Jun 1997 20:33:31 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: A Guide To Man-Machine Interface

A Guide To Man-Machine Interface

      USER-FRIENDLY
      -------------
      C:\ DUR
      Command not found. Try retyping

      USER-HELPFUL
      ------------
      C:\ DUR
      I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

      USER-UNFRIENDLY
      ---------------
      C:\ DUR
      C:\ DUR
      C:\ DUR
      C:\ DUR

      USER-HOSTILE
      ------------
      C:\ DUR
      Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what
      I'll do.

      USER-INDIFFERENT
      ----------------
      C:\ DUR
      DUR?

      USER-PATRONISING
      ----------------
      C:\ DUR
      Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time,
      use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you
      bought me.

      USER-OBSEQUIOUS
      ---------------
      C:\ DUR
      I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
      was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

      USER-SARCASTIC
      --------------
      C:\ DUR
      Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't
      think.

      USER-INSULTING
      --------------
      C:\ DUR
      S*d off
      C:\ DIR
      S*d off

      USER-SMUG
      ---------
      C:\ DUR
      No
      C:\ DOR
      Nope
      C:\ HELP
      No
      C:\ PLEASE
      Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
      C:\ B*ST*RD
      Abuse will get you nowhere

      USER-ANALYTICAL
      ---------------
      C:\ DUR
      What makes you say that?
      C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
      How long have you been making these mistakes?
      C:\ BANANAS
      Do you like bananas?
      C:\ I LOVE THEM
      Why do you bring up the subject of love?
      ...etc

      USER-McDONALD
      -------------
      May I help you please?
      C:\ DUR
      I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a
      nice day. C:\ DIR Will that be an MS-DOS directory? C:\ YES To
      read here, or for printout to take away? C:\ HERE Thank you.
      Have a nice day.

      USER-MEGALOMANIAC
      -----------------
      C:\ DUR
      Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

- - - - -
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 09:39:18 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Little Lizy <adult>

  Little Lizzy was walking home from school one day, when two boys
  offered   her a dime to climb up a telephone pole. Little Lizzy said, "Okay."
  She   climbed the pole and the boys gave her a dime.

  Little Lizzy went home and excitedly told her mother, "Mommy, Mommy,
  two boys told me to climb a telephone pole and I did and they gave me a
  dime!"

  Her mother said, "Little Lizzy, those boys just wanted to see your panties.
  Don't do that again."

  The next day when Little Lizzy passed the boys, they offered her a
  quarter   to climb the pole. She thought that was great, and up she went.
  When she   got home, she told her mother, "Mommy, Mommy, today the boys gave
  me a quarter for climbing the pole!"

  Little Lizzy's mother answered, "Little Lizzy, I told you not to climb
  that pole! Those boys just want to see your panties."

  Then Little Lizzy said, "Oh, don't worry about that, Mommy. I took my
  panties off first!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jun 1997 to 16 Jun 1997
************************************************
