HUMOR Digest - 14 Jun 1997 to 15 Jun 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 190 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Traveling Sex <adult humor>
  2. How to Repel Unwanted Company (innuendo)
  3. Kisses from A Lady
  4. Triple Martinis
  5. Humor - It's A  Wacky World!
  6. Some more Yiddish humor

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 02:37:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Traveling Sex <adult humor>

*   The handsome American found he was unsuccessful with the beautiful
  London women until he took a course in elocution.  His faultless
  English accent soon netted him a stunning bird.  As he climbed into
  bed with her he confessed, "Actually, I come from the other side."
    "This...  I gotta see !" she grinned.
                                - - - - -

*   After eight weeks away on business in a strange city, the married
  exec entered a local brothel, produced 3 one-hundred dollar bills and
  said, "I want the worst screw in the house."
    The madam answered, "But sir, for that price you can have one of our
  better girls."
    "Nope.  I want the worse piece of ass around." he maintained.
    "Sir, I cannot let you do this.  I mean we have our reputation to
  maintain too." the distraught madam said.
    "Listen Toots," the man continued, "I'm not horny, just homesick."
                                - - - - -

*   As the Viking warship stealthily slipped up to the unsuspecting
  Saxon seaside village, Brodar, the chieftain rose and addressed his
  followers: "Now men," he bellowed, "our plan is to burn the village..."
    "Horray !!!" roared the warriors.
    "Kill all the men..."
    "Horray !!!" they shouted again, even louder.
    "And rape all the women, several times."
    "Horray for our glorious leader and his wonderful plan." they shouted.
    "And men ???" Brodar said.
    "Yes, noble Brodar ???" they replied in unison.
    "For God's sake !!!  Get it right this time !!!"
                                - - - - -

*   Despite repeated warnings, the young Lass had drank the water while
  traveling.  All she could find was a clinic, so she went in.  The doctor
  said his assistant, a young lad would prep her, and he would be right back.
     "Oh !!!." squealed the lovely patient, laying on her stomach as she
  was instructed, "You've got the thermometer in the wrong place."
     "It's not in the wrong place at all."  said the lad, "And it's not the
  thermometer."

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 05:48:09 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: How to Repel Unwanted Company (innuendo)

A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone (on long flights,
at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc).

 1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin
    to remember her by.
 2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
 3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really
    miss me.
 4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
 5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
 6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
 7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
 8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
 9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate
    small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll
    wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind
    the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really
    taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much
    better when I left a couple days ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy
    without being ridiculed by his peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby
    seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a
    clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we
    still legally brother and sister?

======================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 10:14:56 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Kisses from A Lady

 In case a lady is asked for a kiss,
 If she says "No," she means "Maybe."
 If she says "Maybe" she means "Yes."
 If she says "Yes," she's no lady.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 11:27:39 -0400
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Triple Martinis

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a
lady walks in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender says "Wow! Two
back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??" She says
"Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left
the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"

The bartender looks at the guy and says "Are you celebrating anything?" And
the guy says "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to
breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning
and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"

The bartender says "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??" He said "I changed
cocks." She said, "Me, too!!"

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 11:58:35 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A  Wacky World!

             Bank robber waits - unwittingly - for police

 FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida (CNN) (c) -- Did you hear the one about the bank
teller who told the robber he'd have to wait for his money?

 It happened on Monday. The robber told the teller he had a bomb. He wanted
money. She said he had to wait.

 He did, for 20 minutes.

 Robber apprehended as he left the bank. The teller had called the police.


* Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Jun 1997 20:14:10 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: Some more Yiddish humor

This one is for Max Blumberg:

   The Gittelbergs moved to the suburbs. One day Alvin Gittelberg, age
seven, was playing under the sprinklers with a neighbor, Mary
Clanahan, age six. Soon they took off their bathing suits ... All
this Mrs Gittelberg observed from her kitchen window.
   When little Alvin came back into the house, Mrs Gittelberg said,
"What were you doing with--that little girl?"
   "Oh, we just *schmeied* around."
   "Uh ... is there anything you'd--like to ask me, Alvin?"
   "Well, I didn't know there was *that* much difference between
Gentiles and Jews."
-Leo Rosten: Hooray for Yiddish (1982)

shmei / shmy (rhymes with *spry*): amble around pleasantly, with no
destination or purpose

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jun 1997 to 15 Jun 1997
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