HUMOR Digest - 10 Jun 1997 to 11 Jun 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 282 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Faith and Religion
  2. Mother & Girlfriend (Unfair to my mother)
  3. Humor: wacky news
  4. Golf and heaven (F-word)...
  5. Women's Hats <slightly risqui>
  6. You are what you think she wants you to be<Complimentary/Offensive to
     certain ethnic groups and blondes, depending on your perspective> <sexual
     content>
  7. Uncomplete Pendejo's clasification (Warning: strong languaje, highly
     offensive to pendejos)
  8. Joke-rated : Li'l Johhny

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Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 04:30:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Faith and Religion

* Sometimes the written word is so much safer.  The Minister told the
  Secretary to change the sign for his upcoming sermon to "Are Ministers
  Cracking Up ?"  Although puzzled, within a few minutes the large sign
  in front of the church announced for all the world to see to come in
  next Sunday and hear "Our Minister's Cracking Up."
                                - - - - -

*   I know how hard it is to raise funds for almost anything these days.
  A member of our Church contacted me and said they were having a benefit
  on June 28.  I said I was sorry that we'd be unable to make it due to
  a prior commitment, but I would be there "in spirit" with them.
    Undaunted, he cheerfully replied, "Great !  I have $10, $15 and $20
  tickets.  Where would you like your 'spirit' to sit ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Our minister once illustrated a point in his sermon by saying that
  we have to know where best to plant our seeds.  For example, he went
  on, a rose needs sunlight, but fuchsias need a shady nook to flourish.
    On the way out this one woman couldn't stop complimenting the Pastor
  on his wisdom.  Finally she said, "All these years, I've been unable
  to determine what was the matter with my fuchsias."
                                - - - - -

* I saw a rather clever fund-raising appeal in front of one church not
  long ago: "You Can't Take it With Ya -- So Send it On Ahead !"
                                - - - - -

*   A Minister from North Dakota had died and was being introduced around
  Heaven.  His favorite topic of conversation was the faith required to
  shepherd his little flock thru the floods this past year.
    He was telling one scholarly looking gentleman that they really ought
  to get together some time so he could explain how difficult his last
  months on earth were.
    "Yes, I would enjoy that." replied the man.  "Permit me to introduce
  myself, I'm known as Noah."

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Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 13:16:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Mother & Girlfriend (Unfair to my mother)

In my 2nd year at University, I became fairly serious about Gabriella,
a fellow student. Well, serious enough to take her home and meet my parents.
My mother hated her on sight. However, in a typical bourgeois fashion,
she never made comments about Gabriella that were less than totally
positive. Quoting from memory, these are some of the things she said,
and (in brackets), what I thought she really meant:

She's vivacious
(She's as high as a kite and a total bore)

She has a sparkling conversation
(She talks non-stop about herself, in a shrill voice)

She has an endearing accent
(Her peasant upbringing shows clearly)

She's a careful driver
(But a reckless flier, on her broomstick)

I gather she's very popular
(I gather she sleeps around a lot)

She has a trim body
(She's a carpenter's dream: flat as a board and easy to screw)

She has nice legs
(Pity about the hair)

I gather she's interested in art
(I gather she has a phenomenal collection of centerfolds from HUNKS magazine)

She's too young to marry
(I gave you life and I will take it away, if you even think marrying her)

I did not marry Gabriella. She married a Veterinary Doctor, had a number
of adorable cats and two appalling children.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 17:23:34 +100
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: Humor: wacky news

A Canadian Jumbo-jet on its way from Toronto to Paris made an
unscheduled stop on Newfoundland after a 32-year old Canadian male
starten doing a strip-tease act in the aisle moments after take-off.

Apparantly the man had to be forced down by the crew, and the captain
decided to hand him over to the Newfoundland authorities..

Finally some good entertainment on planes

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 10:25:19 -0500
From:    TC Mangan <mangan@BROKER.COM>
Subject: Golf and heaven (F-word)...

An avid golfer passed away, and was about to enter Heaven when he was
approached by God.

The Almighty inquired "Have you ever sinned my son?".

The man responded, "Yes Lord, I said the F word once during a round of
golf".

When the Almighty asked him about the circumstances surrounding his sin
the man said,  "I was playing a tough par 4 and absolutely killed my
drive, but hooked the ball into a thick stand of trees".

God asked "So thats when you said the F word?", and the man said "No, I
actually hit the best 3 iron of my life, and threaded the ball around
the trees dead at the pin, but the ball hit a sprinkler-head just short
of the green, and ricocheted right under the lip of the sand trap".

God asked "So thats when you said the F word my son?"

The man replied "No, from the bunker I took my wedge, and with a
fantastic swing got the ball up, and struck the pin ending up about 2
feet from the pin".

God said knowingly "So thats when you said the F word isn't it?"

The man replied "No, I didn't do it then."

God looked at him increduously ,and yelled "Don't tell me you missed the
fucking putt!"

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Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 13:07:44 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Women's Hats <slightly risqui>

        She was walking down the street wearing a
  brand-new hat.  All of a sudden it began to rain.
        Immediately she lifted her skirts and
  placed them over her new hat for protection.
  As she turned the corner, she unexpectedly ran
  into her husband.
       He looked at her disgustedly and ordered,
  "Woman, put down your skirts;   you are
  showing your anatomy."
       "I don't care if am," she said.  "I've had this
  anatomy for 40 years, but this hat is new."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 21:07:41 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: You are what you think she wants you to be<Complimentary/Offensive to
         certain ethnic groups and blondes, depending on your perspective>
         <sexual content>

A businessman boards a flight to Los Angeles and is seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous, "to die for" blonde.  They exchange brief glances
and he notices that she's reading a book about sexual statistics.

She's on a page which outlines a study which indicates that American
Indians have the longest average penises and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter.

The blonde looks up from the book and says to him, "By the way, my name
is Jill;  what's yours?"

He cooly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Jun 1997 23:39:03 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Uncomplete Pendejo's clasification (Warning: strong languaje,
         highly offensive to pendejos)

For the enlightenment of English speaking people who desire to know the
true meaning of the Mexican word "PENDEJO", here is a partial list of
different categories of "PENDEJOS" acording with proffesor Hermenegildo
Torres, president of the UPP (Unified Pendejos Party)

Note: "pendejo" roughly equivalent to "wanker" or "jackoff"

1.Pendejo optimistic  Believes that he is not being a pendejo
2.Pendejo pessimistic  Believes that he alone is a pendejo
3.Pendejo telescopic Even from a distance, you can tell he is a pendejo
4.Pendejo phosphorescent  Even in the darkness you can tell he is a pendejo
5.Pendejo diligent   Worries about  learning new pendejadas
6.Pendejo spherical  From the side you can tel he's a pendejo
7.Pendejo industrious  Spends the whole day doing pendejadas
8.Pendejo arrogant  Prides himself on to knowing all the pendejadas
9.Pendejo amicable  All of his friends are pendejos .
10.Pendejo encyclopedic  Knows a a LOT of pendejadas.
11.Pendejo sympathetic  His pendejadas make you laugh.
12.Pendejo literary  Writes a pendejada and a half.
13.Pendejo bell Es tan...tan...pero tan pendejo.
14..Pendejo believer Believes in any pendejada.
15.Pendejo aware Knows what pendejada is.
16.Pendejo Pedigree  Descended from pendejo champions.
17.Pendejo champion  Nobody defeats him in making pendejadas.
18.Pendejo happy Laughs at any pendejada.
19.Pendejo introverted  Never tells anyone about his pendejadas.
20.Pendejo enamored  Likes almost any pendejada.
21.Pendejo leader All the pendejos follow him .
22.Pendejo useless  None of his pendejadas are any good.
23.Pendejo valiant Breaks to anyone, any pendejada
24.Pendejo bald  Not having a hair of pendejada.
25.Pendejo clandestine  Hides to do pendejadas.
26.Pendejo ambitious  Dreams of being a good pendejo.
27.Pendejo convicted  In the can by pendejo.
28.Pendejo hyperactive Does one pendejada after another.
29.Pendejo philosophic Questions the cause of pendejadas.
30.Pendejo] polyglot  Says pendejadas in various languages.
31.Pendejo xerox Copies the pendejadas of others.
32.Pendejo hopeful  Believes he will quit being a pendejo.
33.Pendejo ignorant  Everybody knows he's a pendejo except himself.
34.Pendejo aged  With time, becomes an even better pendejo.
35.Pendejo radioactive  Irradiates his victims with pendejadas.
36.Pendejo insistent  Does the same pendejada, over and over.
37.Pendejo vigorous Never tires of doing pendejadas.
38.Pendejo ecologic  Is a pendejo by nature.
39.Pendejo precautious Only accepts pendejadas if you offer it to him.
40.Pendejo extrovert Knows every damn pendejo in town.
41.Pendejo bureaucrat Taxes everyone with pendejadas.
42.Pendejo political Appears on television to announce his pendejadas to
everyone.
43.Pendejo astronomical Discovers pendejadas in outer space.
44.Pendejo computorial Uses a supercomputer to calculate giant pendejadas.
45.Pendejo multifaceted Embraces two or more classifications of pendejo.
46.Cyberspace Pendejo  Keeps posting pendejadas on Internet.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 10:08:00 PDT
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-rated : Li'l Johhny

This one was sent to me by my friend.


   Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement
where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together.  Eventually,
his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something
into the wall.

      "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.
"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm
back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the
worm hard as a rock."

       Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in,
and his dad said, "I'll tell you what.  You give me the test tube with
your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."  So Little
Johnny handed the test tube over.

       The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new
 Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the
car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is
from your mother."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jun 1997 to 11 Jun 1997
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