HUMOR Digest - 8 Jun 1997 to 9 Jun 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 362 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Code for dumping girls
  2. & You thought you had a bad day..
  3. Clinton, the Political Acrobat
  4. Dear Abby (clean, part 2/2)
  5. The Golfing Preacher
  6. The Japanese Elections <offensive to Japanese, Mexicans>
  7. Humor - It's A Wacky World
  8. (HUMOR) African King
  9. an oldie, but goodie
 10. HUMOR - Poetry offensive to Rednecks

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Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:47:25 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Code for dumping girls

 Phone dump: "Dump on a phone if and only if there was no physical
              contact"

 Meeting dump: "Physical contact implies a meeting"

 Ignoring dump: "After first date just ignore"

 Please feel free to correct the above code or to add more items.

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Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 04:20:46 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: & You thought you had a bad day..

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and
summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,
the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas
had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted
up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the
cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while
still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming.   She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on
the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns
on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran
to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street.  The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the
street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how
the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

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Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 05:22:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Clinton, the Political Acrobat

   The White House Circus Proudly Presents - Willie the Acrobat

* Clinton is the only President I've ever seen who can stand firmly
  in mid-air on both sides of all issues.
                                - - - - -

* And he's so skilled at repairing his fences by hedging.
                                - - - - -

* There's a portrait of Clinton hanging in his office, but it's not a
  true resemblance -- he's shown with his hand in his own pocket.
                                - - - - -

* I have discovered a fool-proof way though to tell if he's lying:
  If his lips are moving and words are coming out -- he is !
                                - - - - -

* Whether or not truth is stranger than fiction doesn't really matter;
  with Clinton, it's scarcer.
                                - - - - -

* And if you think I'm exaggerating, about his lying, consider when he
  was a boy in Arkansas.  When it was time to feed the hogs, and he
  had to call them, someone else ended up having to call them for him.
                                - - - - -

* Although you'd never know it from his speeches, when it comes to the
  ladies, Clinton's a man of few words: Let's...  Let me...  &   Will ya.
                                - - - - -

* If you don't believe me, ask any Arkansas State Trooper.  Clinton
  believes in love at first sight -- it saves sooooo much time.
                                - - - - -

* As Governor, his female staffers always found a little something extra
  in their pay envelopes -- a key to a hotel room.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 06:57:01 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dear Abby (clean, part 2/2)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?  -- CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?  -- KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby
this big be that early?  -- WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?  -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?  -- JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?  -- ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he
ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?  -- SAM IN
CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?  -- TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?  -- RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age
with no bad habits.  -- ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and day.

Thanx to Tuesday Kirsten via GEOFF'S JOKE LIST.

======================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:33:10 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Golfing Preacher

 There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chanv=ce that he could
 get, he could be found onthe golf course swinging away.

 On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for
 golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there
 was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what
 to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf
 overcame hime and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday
 service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a
 course where no one would recognize him.

 An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He/she
 went to God and said, "look at the preacher. He should punished for what
 he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

 All alone but enloying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first
 hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped
 through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed
 the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!
 The preacher was amazed and excited.

 The angel was in shock. He/she turned to God and said, "Begging your
 pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?" God smiled and
 said, "I did....think about it....who can he tell about this?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 18:17:21 +0400
From:    Chemo <shaks@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: The Japanese Elections <offensive to Japanese, Mexicans>

These I got from someone called Danny
*********

President Clinton was in Japan some months ago during the time of the
elections.
For small talk, he asked the Japanese president, "When are you having your
elections?"
The Japanese president looks at the ground, turns red and says, "We have
elections evely molning."
*********
Two American pigs and a Mexican will be sent to the moon. The ground
controller does the final check up.
"Pig# 1, do you read?"
"Groink, yes, this is pig #1."
"Do you know what to do?"
"Groink. Yes, when we leave earth, I push the green button and navigate the
spaceship to the moon."
"Good, now pig # 2 do you know what to do ?
"Groink. When we return to earth, I push the white button and navigate back."
"Very good. Mexican, do you know what to do."
"Yes, don't touch anything and feed the pigs..."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 12:04:25 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World

                    Weird Business News.

by Houston Chronicle Columnist- JIM BARLOW (c)

 TIRED OF NEWS about layoffs, downsizings, rightsizings, profit and loss?
Relax with a big steaming slice of Weird Business News.

 Yes, once again we explore the madness that hits people in their search
for fame or fortune.

 The Tell It Like It Is award goes this time to the Continental Airlines
executive quoted by trade magazine Travel Weekly. The executive -- name
withheld to protect the witty -- was asked by a group of travel agents
about a recent incident when one of the line's pilots landed a Boeing 737
full of passengers at an abandoned naval airfield in Corpus Christi.
"Continental", he replied, "is the only airline to serve two airports in
Corpus Christi."

 Now the award for Those Magnificent Men In Their Ice Resurfacing Machines.
It was won by Detroit disc jockey Jim Bosh. He drove a Zamboni from Detroit
to Philadelphia to attend a hockey playoff game. Perhaps his car was in the
shop.

 The Truth In Advertising Award goes to Icehouse beer for acknowledging the
wages of beer consumption with a belly contest. People with particularly
photogenic bellies should submit a photograph of their pride and joy to 205
N. Michigan Ave., 34th Floor, Chicago, Ill. 60601.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 22:36:54 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: (HUMOR) African King

Once upon a time, deep in Africa, there lived a tribe of warriors.
These warriors built their huts from grass and wore beautiful
ornaments made of gold and silver. They were prosperous and greatly
feared by their neighbours, who tried to appease them whenever they
could.

The chieftain of this tribe collected thrones. Nothing gave him more
pleasure than to see a beautiful crafted throne. As is the custom in
Africa, visitors always came to his kraal bearing gifts. Of course,
knowing what he wanted most, they always brought him a new, exquisite
throne. He had a beautiful collection: ivory, ebony, gold, thrones
covered in elephant skin, and thrones covered in zebra skin. He had
so many thrones, he could sit on a different one very day of the
year, even a leap year. And still more thrones were brought to his
kraal. The only problem was, where to keep it??

The chief ordered the royal architects to design and build an extra-
large grass hut to make room for all the thrones, but soon even this
hut was full up. So they built a super-large hut, but this too was
getting rather cramped. The royal architects were in trouble. If they
didn't come up with a solution soon, their heads would roll. Then one
of them had a brilliant idea: they could build a loft into the super-
large hut and that way they could double the storage space. The
chief builder builder didn't like the plan. It would be a difficult
job, and where was he supposed to find so much grass? But he was
outvoted, and he had no choice but to execute the plan.

Everything went well and soon the loft was completed. It was just
perfect - all the thrones were finally under cover and there was even
room to spare. The workers had just carried the last throne into the
hut and were placing the grass mat in place over the entrance when
the hut collapsed with an ear-splitting crash.

The chief builder was very upset. "I told you," he cried, "people who
live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 18:45:11 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: an oldie, but goodie

In 1973, after the Yom Kippur War, Henry Kissinger traveled to Israel to meet
with Golda Meir.  She asked Henry what he would like to see, and he remarked
he had never been to the Western Wall.  When they arrived Golda explained the
tradition of writing down their prayers and placing them in the wall.
Henry wrote down his first prayer.  "I pray that there be peace in the world
and the middle east." Golda commented, "May G-d grant your prayers."
Henry copied his next prayer and put it in the wall.  "I asked that Richard
Nixon fulfill
his term of the Presidency and go on to greatness."
Golda commented "And may G-d grant your prayers."
Henry spoke his third prayer.  "I pray that the Israelis reflect and return
the land they captured during the war"-----and Golda replied, "You're talking
to the wall."

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Date:    Sun, 8 Jun 1997 20:00:25 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Poetry offensive to Rednecks

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two
finalists.  One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust
family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.  The other
finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem
in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first.  About thirty seconds after the clock started
he jumped up and recited the following poem:

         Slowly across the desert sand
         Trekked the dusty caravan.
         Men on camels, two by two,
         Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!!  How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.  Finally, in
the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

         Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
         Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
         They was three, we was two,
         So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jun 1997 to 9 Jun 1997
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