HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1997 to 8 Jun 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 216 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex, some variety <adult humor>
  2. Doctors, Part 3 <may be off. to Doctors, but not meant to>
  3. Humor - It's A Wacky World
  4. News from the Galileo spacecraft (slightly suggestive)
  5. You might be in education if....

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 04:04:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex, some variety <adult humor>

*   A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it
  to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up
  a running commentary on their love-making.  Finally the groom threw a
  large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the
  zoo if he didn't quit it.
    The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close
  a large suitcase.  The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll
  try."  That didn't work.  Figuring they needed more weight on the lid,
  she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."  Still no success.
  Then he said, "Look.  Let's both get on top and try."
    At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no
  zoo.  This... I gotta see !!!"
                                - - - - -

*   The middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.  "All my husband
  does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And
  he's right too.  I have no desire at all."
    The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit
  in two weeks.  After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his
  office.  "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a nite now."
    "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now ?"
    "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
                                - - - - -

*   As luck would have it, during a raging blizzard in North Dakota, the
  young couple had a flat tire.  The boyfriend returned to the vehicle in
  just a few minutes, saying his hands were freezing trying to change it.
  The girl said, "Here, I'll warm them." and placed them between her
  thighs.  This went on several more times until the tire was changed.
    When he got into the car the last time, she looked over at him and
  said, "Sweetheart, aren't your ears cold too ?"

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 12:11:45 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Doctors, Part 3 <may be off. to Doctors, but not meant to>

What the Doctor says
What the Doctor REALLY means

   "This may hurt a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

  "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you're here."

    "Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

    "I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one."

   "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
"I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will
 split fees."

   "There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
 about this."

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 10:33:44 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World

       (Some would say that this is the mother of all no-brainers)

       'Milk-A-Holic' Sues Dairy Industry, Claims Milk Is Addictive


 SEATTLE (AP) (c) -- A self-described milk-a-holic is suing the dairy
industry, claiming that a lifetime of drinking whole milk contributed to
his clogged arteries and a minor stroke.

 Norman Mayo, 61, believes he might have avoided his health problems if he
had been warned on milk cartons about fat and cholesterol.

 "I drank milk like some people drink beer or water," he said. "I've always
loved a nice cold glass of milk, and I've drank a lot of it."

 The federal lawsuit names Safeway and the Dairy Farmers of Washington as
defendants. Mayo wants Safeway to put warning labels on all its dairy
products, and he wants similar warnings on all dairy industry ads and commercials.

 "If tobacco products can be required to have warning labels, why not dairy
products?" said Mayo, a former smoker. "I think milk is just as dangerous
as tobacco."

 He's also seeking reimbursement of his medical expenses and unspecified
compensation for personal injury.

"It's my opinion that the dairy industry's to blame," he said. "They push
their dairy products without warning you of the hazards."

 Since his stroke three years ago, Mayo drinks only nonfat or skim milk.

 Neither Safeway nor the state dairy farmers has responded to the lawsuit.

 "I'm pretty sure we would plead not guilty and suggest this is without
merit," said Blair Thompson, a spokesman for the Washington Dairy Products
Commission.

  Jon Ferguson, a lead counsel in the state's lawsuit against the tobacco
industry, said likening milk with tobacco was silly. Milk, he noted, is not
addictive.

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 15:22:30 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: News from the Galileo spacecraft (slightly suggestive)

According to a recent Jet Propulsion Laboratory news release the Galileo
spacecraft has detected wet spots on Jupiter.

NASA scientists are now trying to deterimine who or what has to sleep
in them.

=== BEGIN QUOTE =====================
RELEASE:  97-123

GALILEO FINDS WET SPOTS, DRY SPOTS AND
NEW VIEW OF JUPITER'S LIGHT SHOW

=== END QUOTE =======================

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 18:45:44 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: You might be in education if....


You believe the staff room should be equipped with a valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from
    8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report
    card.

You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
    "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and
    correct their behavior.

You have no time for a life between August to June.

Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be able to get a government permit before
    being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the
    lounge.

You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or
    home schooling.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having
    taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years.

You've had your profession slammed by someone who would never
    DREAM of doing your job.

You can't have children because there's no name you could give a
    child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you
    uttered it.

You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have
    a great idea I'd like to discuss.  I think it would be such fun!"

You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when they say, "Oh,
    you must have such fun everyday.  It must be like playtime for you."

Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is
    this child like this?"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1997 to 8 Jun 1997
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