HUMOR Digest - 31 May 1997 to 1 Jun 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 148 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Maryland State Highway
  2. Desert Island Joke
  3. Biology
  4. <No subject given>
  5. At The Air Base <clean,off to Paks.>

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Date:    Sat, 31 May 1997 04:04:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Maryland State Highway

*   Prior to my retirement from the Maryland State Highway, a serious,
  full-fledged "downsizing" was in progress.  Everyone was having to do
  more with less.  I got a mis-directed phone call one day for a fellow
  named Mr. Sexhauer.  Thinking maybe he was in the Office of Traffic, I
  dialed & asked the girl who answered if they had a Sexhauer over there.
    She laughed and replied, "Are you kidding, a sex hour ???  We don't
  even have scheduled coffee breaks any more."
                                - - - - -

* To show ya how bad things got, I arrived one morning and my boss told me
  "John's sick today.  Take over his crisis."
                                - - - - -

*   And we had more consultants running around seeing which positions and
  functions could be eliminated.  One day this fellow asked me, "What
  exactly do you do ?"
    I replied, "Why nothing at all, I'm retiring in October."
    He went to the next office and asked a young lady named  Rene what she
  did.  Hearing my exchange, she replied, "I don't do anything either, I'm
  getting married in November."
    The consultant smiled and said, " Ah HA !  Duplication !"
                                - - - - -

* And the cutbacks didn't stop with people either.  An official policy for
  the State Highway was issued regarding mowing.  It read (in part) "In
  general, vegetative areas shall be mowed to a maximum height consistent
  with their use.  Mowing schedules shall be strictly regulated by the
  amount of growth." (Imagine that, huh ?)
                                - - - - -

* A Senior Manager, defending his letting a project "slip" (be delayed),
  because of Staff reductions, said that there will be no delay, merely a
  "regression time-wise."

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Date:    Sat, 31 May 1997 10:58:05 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Desert Island Joke

A man has been stranded on a desert island for a decade and he has just
about given up any hope of ever being rescued.  One day he's looking out
over the ocean and he can't believe his eyes - a beautiful blonde woman
in a wetsuit is stepping through the surf, approaching him.  The man is
flabbergasted and just can't believe it.

The woman walks up to the man and  asks how long it's been since he's had
a cigarette.  The man says 10 years.  She promptly produces a perfectly
dry cigarette and matches from a waterproof pocket in her wetsuit.  The
man lights up and she then asks him how long it's been since he's had a
drink.   Of course it's 10 years again, etc.  She promptly produces a
flask of premium whiskey from another pocket in her wetsuit.

As the man is taking a hit off the flask, the woman starts unzipping the
full length zipper in the front of her wetsuit and at the same time asks
the man, "Say, how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

The man looks at her and says, "Wow, do you mean to say you've got a set
of golf clubs in there?"

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Date:    Sat, 31 May 1997 12:18:37 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Biology

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of
this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in
dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have
three things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will some day be faced with a
dreadful disappointment."

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Date:    Sat, 31 May 1997 15:54:00 EDT
From:    Brad DAVIS <davisbe@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

NBA Playoffs: Houston Rockets <May be Offensive to Houston Rockets fans>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"This flight will cover 1,081 nautical miles, which is about as much as
Hakeem walks."

-Pilot to passengers on a Delta Airlines flight Monday from Houston to
 Salt Lake City

Source: The Standard-Examiner (Ogden, UT)
			----------------

"Hey (Charles) Barkley, you'r a little teapot short and stout, just tip
you over and watch you pout."

-Sign held by a fan in the Delta Center, In Salt Lake City, UT on Teus.
May 27, 1997

----------------------------------
Newspapper Headline

Joy over Jazz win prompts police visit
   Riverdale, UT  A couple of Jazz fans got a little out of hand after
Thursday night's victory, resulting in a friendly visit from local
police.
    A woman and her 14-Year-old daughter were watching the game in there
apartment , and were apperently jumping up and down  and screaming after
John Stockton won the game with a buzzer beating 3-pt.  basket.

Source: Standard-Examiner May 31,1997(Ogden,UT)

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Date:    Sun, 1 Jun 1997 11:22:15 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: At The Air Base <clean,off to Paks.>

    During the war, when things started to go bad  for the Pakistani Air
    Force, the pakis weren't getting any fighter pilots. So the Pakistani
    dictator caught hold of some villagers to train them how to fly.
    He took them to the aircraft and said "It's all very simple,
    just press the blue button to take off, the green button to shoot
    and use the steering wheel like in a car. so that's it and now you're
    all pilots in the PAF." Then one recruit spoke up "Sir, but how do we
    land?"
    The Dictator said "Don't worry, leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 May 1997 to 1 Jun 1997
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