HUMOR Digest - 30 May 1997 to 31 May 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 780 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex all Over <adult humor>
  2. <HUMOR> Tamagotchi
  3. Top5 - 5/29/97 - Signs You Won't Graduate This Term
  4. Children, Part 2 <clean>
  5. A NEW PARENTS DICTIONARY
  6. Horrorscopes
  7. Stupidity Revisited
  8. Little Johnnie <adult/suggestive>
  9. Huge Weight loss
 10. Pope in New York <clean>
 11. Humor:top 10 online lies......
 12. Smart Pills
 13. <HUMOR> Various Adult jokes, some old some new
 14. Father Nunmonger <sexual content; off. to religious>
 15. HUMOR - Ode to a Mammagram

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 03:56:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex all Over <adult humor>

*   "And just was the extent of the defendant's amorous involvement ?"
  asked the attorney during the paternity suit trial.
    "Well, from what I could tell," replied the shapely plaintiff, "I'd
  say 4 or 5 inches maybe, tops."
                                - - - - -

*   "Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller.  "If you can guess
  what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
    "Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in
  one hand, I ain't interested."
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppie was visiting Tokyo for the first time, and knew none of the
  language.  Following the age old tradition, he asked the bell-hop to get
  him a "girl" for the night.  Unfortunately, the girl knew no English.
    He felt pretty proud of his prowess as the girl kept exclaiming, in a
  loud voice, "Nachigai ana !" during the sex act.
    The following afternoon, he played golf with the prominent Japanese
  industrialist whom he was hoping to get a contract with.  The Japanese
  man promptly scored a hole-in-one, and the American decided to try to
  score some points by showing he knew some of the language.  He shouted
  "Nachigai ana !" as loud as he could.
    The industrialist turned slowed around to face him, and with a frown
  said, "Exactly what do you mean, wrong hole ?"
                                - - - - -

* The teenaged couple was following a local tradition.  After having made
  love for the first time, he was carving their initials in an old Oak tree
  near-by.  He paused and looked at her and said, "You know, it's times
  like these I wish your name was something other than Virginia Davis."
                                - - - - -

* The sweet young thang was being pressured by her date for sex in the local
  lover's lane.  She said, "First of all, I'm not that kind of girl.  Also,
  Momma sez I shouldn't.  And, the grass is all wet.  Plus, there's too many
  people around.  Then too, it's late and I should be getting home.  Besides,
  all you did was buy dinner anyway."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 16:23:43 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Tamagotchi

Taken from the Hong Kong SCMP

"Grief counselling is to be offered to children traumatised by the death
of their electronic "virtual pets".

                Counsellors fear young children do not know how
                to deal with the death of their Tamagotchi.

                They also believe that some children are
                deliberately killing them.

                Anita Lam Siu-fung, supervisor of the Hong Kong
                Federation of Youth Groups' counselling service,
                said she was worried some children weren't ready
                to understand death.

                "Some children are too young to face death. They
                may be upset when their pets die," she said.

                "I also hear some children are keen to kill their pets.
                This is not a healthy concept."

                Ms Lam said the federation was going to add
                Tamagotchi to its 24 hour information phone line
                for youngsters.

                The electronic toy is a new craze from Japan.
                Owners must feed, clean and play with the "pets"
                otherwise they "die". All Tamagotchi die within a
                month.

                Thousands of Tamagotchi have been "buried" on
                the Internet and a home page, the Virtual
                Graveyard for Your Beloved Tamagotchi, has been
                set up on the World Wide Web.

                People may post information about their pets
                together with an obituary. About 300 messages
                have been left since May 4.

                Alice Tong from Hong Kong wrote for her Good
                Rabitchick which died on May 22: "Well, I don't
                really know why you died, but I miss you very
                much . . . hope you will live in heaven peacefully
                and happily."'

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/6029/index.html

----
Mike Robertshaw
Open University of Hong Kong
Kowloon, Hong Kong

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 06:01:12 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/29/97 - Signs You Won't Graduate This Term

                          May 29, 1997


        The Top 15 Signs You're Not Graduating This Term

15> You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver.

14> You're on a football scholarship at Oklahoma.

13> You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer
    course in "Remedial Tuition Payment."

12> You don't feel you've yet done sufficient field research on
    your thesis topic: "The Munchies: What Causes Them?"

11> You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over
    $40,000 on beer and pizza.

10> Final: "Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous
    concrete mix."  You: Calculated the vomit-producing capacity
    of mixing tequila and beer the night before the exam.

 9> NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your
    frat dorm.

 8> You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and
    you haven't been to class since late November.

 7> Six years of college and all you've learned are the lyrics to
    "Louie, Louie."

 6> Your cap and gown are made of paper and have "Campus Food
    Service" written on them.

 5> You're still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure.

 4> Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your GPA.

 3> Only sheepskin you'll see this summer is in the barn.

 2> Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform.


    and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Graduating This Term...


 1> You got all "A's," but your name is Hester Prynne.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 12:20:13 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Children, Part 2 <clean>

Meaning of some English words, when it comes to children:

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
             everything  we say.
LOOK OUT!: What is too late for your child to do by the time you
           scream it.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
         shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 06:28:21 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: A NEW PARENTS DICTIONARY

                          A NEW PARENTS DICTIONARY
                         ---------------------------
Whether you  are a new parent, a parent for many years or just a
big kid, here are some previously misunderstood definitions clarified.

AMNESIA:
The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor
to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

IMPREGNABLE:
A  woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings

PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 06:23:31 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Horrorscopes

Ever wonder what horoscopes would be like if the astrologer were just a
bit more candid...a bit more honest than you would like?

Wonder no more... WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE,
NUDITY AND ADULT SITUATIONS.  If you are a whuss or PW, I command you to
stop right here!

HORRORSCOPES

AQUARIUS - Jan 21- Feb 19: You have an inventive mind and are inclined
to be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are
inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
mistakes repeatedly.  Everyone thinks you are stupid.

PISCES - Feb 20 - Mar 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think
you are being followed by the FBI and CIA.  You have minor influence
over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power.
You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw
small animals.

ARIES - Mar 21 - Apr 20: You are the pioneer type and hold most people
in contempt.  You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice.
You are a prick.

TAURUS - Apr 21 - May 20: You are practical and persistent.  You have a
dogged determination to work like hell.  Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed.  You are nothing but a goddam communist.

GEMINI - May 21 - Jun 21: You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bi-sexual.  However, you are inclined to
expect too much or too little; this means you are cheap.  Geminis are
notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER - Jun 22 - July 23: You are sympathetic and understanding of
other people's problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always
putting things off, and that is why you'll always be on welfare and
never be worth a shit.

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23: You consider yourself a born leader, while
others think you are too pushy.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are vain
and cannot tolerate honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.
Leo people are always thieving bastards.

VIRGO - Aug 24 - Sept 23: You are a logical type and hate disorder.
This nitpicking is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make
excellent bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA - Sept 24 - Oct 23: You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality.  If you are a man, you are most likely gay.  Chance
of employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
excellent whores.  All Libras die of V.D.

SCORPIO - Oct 24 - Nov 22: You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted.  You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics.  You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.  Most Scorpios
are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23 - Dec 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You
have a tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of
Sagittarians are drunkard dope fiends.  People laugh at you because you
are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN - Dec 22 - Jan 20: You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks.  You don't do much of anything and are lazy.  There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing
still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.  They
are notorious for farting in church.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 07:00:30 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Stupidity Revisited

Three guys decided, late one night, to rob a petrol station. Taking in
baseball bats and knives they entered and demanded money from the station
clerk. But they weren't aware of a couple of rather important things:
     (1) The clerk was an ex-Israeli.
     (2) The clerk was an ex-Isreali Army officer.
     (3) The clerk was an ex-Isreali unarmed-combat instructor.
Needless to say they ended up in hospital. For a long time. (No charges
were pressed by the petrol station owner, and the police decided that there
wasn't much point following through.)
				----------
     A woman was reporting her car, which she had been attempting to sell,
as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman
taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he
had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
     They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
				----------
Police in Cottonwood, Idaho, were amused when they arrived to write up a
burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief got his VCR, his bong,
and his stash of marijuana. Luckily, however, the thief had missed his
marijuana pipe. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug
paraphernalia.
				----------
     The way police told it, Southwest Los Angeles home-invasion robbery
suspect Carlos Hawthorne was trying to throw detectives off his trail.
     Hawthorne, 20, was one of two men who allegedly invaded Vanessa Arlene
Sells' home Sunday, shot her and her daughter, and fled in their 1992 Lexus.
     Police said Hawthorne called them about 7:30 p.m. Monday to report
that he had seen three men running away from a Lexus near the 2500 block of
Clyde Avenue in Culver City.
     Police officers from the LAPD's special-problems unit responded to
Hawthorne's call and spotted the Lexus. Meanwhile, Hawthorne remained on
the phone with a communications operator who was able to determine where he
was calling from: a phone booth at 3560 La Cienaga Blvd., less than a mile
from where the car was found.
     The officers found Hawthorne at the phone booth, still talking to the
operator and with the keys to the Lexus in his hand, and detained him. When
they searched his pockets, they found a silver necklace and a bracelet that
matched the description of jewelry that had been stolen from Sells' home.
They later booked him on charges of robbery and attempted murder.
				----------
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in
the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for
an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't
realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
				----------
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.  The man, frustrated,
walked away.
				----------
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly
knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed
30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
				----------
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of
robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.*
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
				----------
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said
the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket
could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing
the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 15:14:58 +0500
From:    Junaid Khalid <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Little Johnnie <adult/suggestive>

 The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
 something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
 time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
 calling on them one at a time.

 She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
 sometimes could be a bit crude.  But eventually his turn came.

 Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
 of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

 Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for
 his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

 "It's a period." reported Johnnie.

 "Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a  period?"

 "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
 missed one.  Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the
 man next door shot himself!?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 07:52:50 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Huge Weight loss

 Once there was this guy, Frank who weighed in at well over 900 pounds. He
had tried every fad diet around, and had been to several weight-loss programs
including clinics,camps,shelters,etc. Nothing seemed to work in any large
degree of success.
 In desperation, he finally went to a Gypsy doctor. The Gypsy danced around
him, shook all sorts of items at him, mumbled words, cast spells, and
generally put on a good show for the man, and only charged him $200. Frank
thought this was far less than anyone else had charged him, but  still didn't
have any real hope of  losing much weight.
 Frank weighed himself a week later, and, to his astonishment, he had lost
over 100 pounds!!
 After his second week, he had lost another 100 pounds and he rushed back to
the Gypsy. He showed the Gypsy how much weight he had lost and said how
thrilled he was to finally find something that worked, but he had two small
misgivings: how long would the weight loss last, and what was he to do with
all the loose skin starting to develop on his body. The Gypsy reassured him
that his weight loss would stop and hold him to his normal weight of 200
pounds, and he said to just push all the loose skin up to the top of his
head, and tie a string around it, and it would fall off. Frank thought that
was a little weird, but to his surprise - it worked!
 Weeks later, Frank was a fit 200 pounds(still being of large bones), and
ready to re-join the dating world.He called up a honey he had his eye on, and
behold! She accepted his date offer!
 On their date, they were having a great time, and Frank told her of his
recent, astounding weight loss. "That's so nice, Frank." said the buxom babe,
" I'm glad to see someone overcome such a handicap. By the way, I've been
wondering all night, what is that indentation on your forehead?"
 "Oh, that." Said Frank,"That's my bellybutton-WANNA SEE MY NECKTIE !?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 10:25:12 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pope in New York <clean>

The Pope flew into New York City for a Catholic convention.  He was
running very late and decided to take a cab.  He asked the cab driver if
he could drive him from the airport across town in 15 minutes.  The cab
driver, having recognized the Pope, quickly agreed.

However, 2 miles into the trip the Pope noticed that the cab driver was
driving very very slowly.  The driver couldn't concentrate on driving
because he was too excited about the Pope riding in his cab.  Finally,
getting very anxious and not wanting to be tardy for his convention, the
Pope asked the driver if he could drive.  The driver pulled over and
switched seats with the Pope.

The Pope began driving over 100 mph and weaving around slow traffic to
help him gain some time.  It wasn't long before a police officer noticed
and pulled the cab over.   As the officer walked up next to the vehicle,
he immediately noticed the Pope and quickly retreated to his squad car.

The officer radioed to his captain, "Sir, I have a situation here.  I
think that I have pulled over someone very very important."

"Is it the NY Mayor?"  says the chief.

"No,  I think this man is more important,"  answers the officer.

"More important than the Mayor?  Who did you pull over, the President?"
exclaimed the chief.

The officer thought for a second and then answered "No, I think that
this man is even more important than the President."

"Who in the whole world can be more important than the President?"  says
the chief.

"Well, sir, I don't know who he is, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 11:39:49 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:top 10 online lies......

Top 10 Online Lies

  10.  "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

   9.   "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone
        I've never met before."

   8.   "I'm new online and haven't had time to creat a
        profile...............but tell me more about yourself."

   7.   "I never do cybersex!!  Yet here in this room alone with you, well
        I'm getting excited"

   6.   "Yes of course I'm female..............."

   5.   "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then
        one?"

   4.   "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!"  Male
         version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out"

   3.   "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we
        can just have coffee and get to know each other"  (at the hotel
        coffee shop)

   2.    "I don't care what you look like, it's whats on the inside that
         counts"
          (Which is true,except it means "I'm horny and could care less,
          just type)

   And the number one Online lie is.................................

   1.  "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 09:50:09 -0700
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: Smart Pills

Once there was a genius and an idiot.  So, the idiot goes up to the
genius and asks him, "How are you so smart?  You grew up in this dinky
town same as me!"  The genius thinks a minute and says, "Well, I take
Smart Pills."

The idiot says, "Where can I get some?  I could sure use them."

"I could sell you a sample for $1 each.  Take one a day."

So the idiot ponies up $7 and goes away for a week.

"I've been taking those pills but I don't feel any smarter."

"Well, it takes awhile.  How about if I sell you a bottle?  They're
$100."

The idiot says, "Well, it's gotta be worth it.  OK."

3 months go by.  The idiot returns.  "Hey, I've almost finished with
that bottle.  When are they supposed to start working?"

"Well, how do they taste?"

"They taste like rabbit crap."

The genius says, "See, they're working already."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 12:54:39 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Various Adult jokes, some old some new

These three women were sitting around one night talking about
their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men
nicknames based on kinds of soda.  The first woman said: "I'm
gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a
mountain and always wants to do it!"The second woman said: "I'm
gonna call Bruce  "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is
always up!"  The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack
Daniel's."  The other two women responded:  "Jack Daniel's?  But
that's a hard liquor."  The third woman replied:
"THAT'S MY LEROY!"
			-----

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father
could beat up whose father.  One boy said, "My father is better
than your father."  The other kid said, "Well, my mother is
better than your mother."   The first boy paused, "I guess you're
right.  My father says the same thing."
			-----

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...  I
said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have
cable?"  I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold
just fine..."
			-----

The difference between a nice girl and a good girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
			-----

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen.  His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong.  "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.  "Do you
remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."  "Yes, I
did."  "My God, Bill, what happened?"  "I got fired."  "No, Bill.
I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got
fired too."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 16:21:55 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Father Nunmonger <sexual content; off. to religious>

From: Christian Southwick <christian_southwick@bakerbotts.com>


It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene
Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the  Saturday night
bath had gone. "Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well,
when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I
was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the
Lord keeps the key to Heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued. "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact, " said the old nun even more
evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my
heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved. "That wicked old
Devil, " said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been
blowing it for 40 years!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 19:46:29 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Ode to a Mammagram

For years'n years they told me
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law;
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
Her ordered up a mammogram
To look inside the clump.

Stand up very close, she said,
ans she got my tit in line,
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! There! That's just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vice!!

My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

Take a deep breath, she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
Now let's get the other one,
Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
To her tender little hide!

If I had not problem when I came in,
I surely have one now . . .
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have pooped-ker-POW!

This machine was made by MAN,
Of this I have no doubt . . .
O'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "without"!!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 May 1997 to 31 May 1997
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