HUMOR Digest - 29 May 1997 to 30 May 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 843 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women's Logic <adult humor>
  2. The Facts of Life... <Sexual>
  3. The Australian
  4. police
  5. Children <clean>
  6. Elevator Laws (clean)
  7. Laying Down the Law <suggestive>
  8. Top5 - 5/28/97 - Pointless Commencement Addresses
  9. And You Thought You Had a Bad Day
 10. Generic disaster movie script <off. to corporate Hollywood>
 11. Fighting hamsters (Kinda gross)
 12. Humor:  Noah in modern times <clean>
 13. Classic: florist joke
 14. Two guys in a field <off. to gays>
 15. various jokes (may be offensive to men-  but who cares)
 16. Pepsi v.s Coke <adult>
 17. Boots & romance<language>& survey stuff
 18. The Male Stages Of Life <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 04:17:53 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women's Logic <adult humor>

*   The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off
  to the honeymoon resort.  After supper and champagne, the groom
  retired to the bedroom, but the bride pulled a chair up to the
  balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.
     "Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "aren't you
  coming to bed ?"
     "No," she announced.  "My Mother told me this was gonna be the
  most beautiful nite of my life, and I don't want to miss a single
  minute of it."
                                - - - - -

*   Noticing for some time that her husband had been doing more and
  more "odd jobs" and "favors" for the alluring divorcee neighbor,
  she started to become suspicious.  One morning she awoke to find
  herself alone in bed, and dialed the neighbor's house.  When a
  sleepy female voice answered, she shouted "You tell my husband to
  get his ass across the street."
    "Linda, my dear," cooed the voice on the phone, "he has been
  for quite some time now."
                                - - - - -

*   The perky young thang returned home with an ultra-modern gown
  for the charity ball they were scheduled to attend.  She held it up
  for her husband's approval.
    "What the hell is that ?" he said.  "Why you can see right through
  the damn thing !"
     "No you can't silly." she answered. "Not when I'm in it."
                                - - - - -

*   A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
  fairly regular basis.  After the second week, he made his move.
    "No thank you." she said politely.  "This may sound rather odd
  in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
  the man I love."
    "That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
    "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband
  pretty upset."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 09:35:14 -0000
From:    Keith Bissett <keith@CYBERJUNKIE.COM>
Subject: The Facts of Life... <Sexual>

			@---------1---------@

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the
basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

S: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation.
For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the
other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over
again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."


S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your
mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

			@---------2---------@

It seems that a little girl and and a little boy are arguing about
differences between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better
and she that girls are. The subject, of course, spills over into the
personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is
superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I
have that you'll never have!"

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true.
She turns and runs home.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops
her pants, and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as
many of those as I want!"

			@---------3---------@

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This
situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed
relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is
to take out a personal ad in the paper:

Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out
on me.

After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling
particularly depressed when the door bell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the
front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

"How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!"

"I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out
on you!" he said.

"What about being a good lover?" she asked.

He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

			@---------4---------@	

Q: What is the difference between 365 used condoms and a car tyre?

A: One is a 'Good Year' and the other is a 'Very Good Year'.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 11:56:55 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The Australian

Did you hear about the Australian that had died?

He had bought a new boomerang and threw the old one away.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 05:24:48 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: police

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red
lights on in his rear view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this
guy," so he floors it and the race is on.  The cars are racing
down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.  Finally, as
his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and
gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.  The police officer gets
out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He leans down and
says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just
want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man though for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my
rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were
trying to give her back to me!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 11:42:05 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Children <clean>

Meaning of some English words, when it comes to children:

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to
 have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too.

DEFENCE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to
let the children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
 apart  to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
 strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

More...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 05:52:06 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Elevator Laws (clean)

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether
they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect
by law...It's just the way things are....

     1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the
one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
     2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look
anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the
numbers.
     3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one
who needs off first.
     4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go
the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
     5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your
foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to
admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know
what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were
with have gotten off.
     6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of
will be the last to open.
     7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on
with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on
the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the
entire ride.
     8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because
when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on.
It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who
to blame.
     9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be
nervous laughter.
    10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to
you will always have bad breath and body odor.
    11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose
to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day
riding elevators around town.
    12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position
next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to
punch their floor for them.
    13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to
comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button
over and over as if that will make it speed up.
    14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the
button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
    15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peves is the
parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you
after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor
needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is
this where we get off?"
    16. The floor that is la bled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor
but is in reality the basement. Ther 1st floor is actually la bled the
2nd floor.
    17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator
just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
    18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one
person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it
out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped
inside.
    19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just
happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the
balloon is a strong temptation.
    20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs
alone!

(courtesy of Roshan's humor list)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 08:42:52 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Laying Down the Law <suggestive>

From: Kristina Tuholski <krissyt@ibm.net>

A young couple just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big
bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said "Here, put these on." She
put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear
your pants!" she said.  "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you
forget it. I am the man who wears the pants in this family." With that
she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on." He tried them on and
found he could only get them as far as his knee cap. He said "Hell, I
can't get into your pants!" She said "That's right and that's the way it
is going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

Scott E. Benting
SolidWorks Corp.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 09:11:40 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/28/97 - Pointless Commencement Addresses

                          May 28, 1997

          The Top 15 Pointless Commencement Addresses

15> Newt Gingrich: "Exploiting 95% of America While Maintaining a
    Facade of Integrity and Compassion"

14> John Tesh: "How to Tell the Difference Between My Career and
    That Smell from the Bottom of Your Shoe"

13> Oliver Stone: "I Saw What You Did"

12> Ex President-For-Life Mobutu: "Victory Through Negotiation" and
    "It's Never Too Early to Start Investing in Your Retirement"

11> Ernest P. Worrel: "Raising America's Intellectual Standards
    Through Mass Entertainment"

10> Frank Gifford: "Video Killed the Football Star, Too"

 9> Howard Stern: "A Case for Optimism - Getting Your Valedictorian
    to Remove Her Gown"

 8> Susan Lucci: "If At First You Don't Succeed... Milk the Free
    Publicity for All It's Worth"

 7> Steven Spielberg: "How to Make $79 Million in a Single Weekend"

 6> Kathie Lee Gifford: "Putting Your Inner Child to Work for You"

 5> Anna Nicole Smith: "What *I* Think 'Summa Cum Laude' Means"

 4> Tiger Woods: "Did I mention Nike yet?"

 3> Bill Gates: "Thirty Billion Reasons Why a College Drop-Out Like
    Me is More Successful Than You'll Ever Be"

 2> John Bobbitt: "Letting Go of Past Attachments"


and the Number 1 Pointless Commencement Address...


 1> Ross Perot: "There Are Live Clams in My Shorts and It's Scott
    Baio's Fault"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 10:33:46 EDT
From:    Michael Adamchuk <madamchuk@FDIC.GOV>
Subject: And You Thought You Had a Bad Day

Angry Mother Cow Tramples PA Farmer (AP)

An elderly farmer lay injured for an entire afternoon after a 1,600 pound
mother cow trampled him as he attempted to castrate its calf.  Albert Reed,
70, was in critical condition in an intensive care unit at Univ. of
Pittsburgh Medical Center.  He had knee and neck injuries and doctors checked
him for organ damage.  His brother, Earl, found him still conscious at Redd's
southwestern Pennsylvania farm at 5 p.m., four hours after the accident.
Earl became concerned after his brother did not return from lunch and went
searching for him on an all-terrain vehicle.  Redd's neice, Mary Redd-
Magnotta, said the mother cow may have believed that Albert was trying to
hurt the baby.  She said her uncle usually keeps a stick with him to ward off
cows but did not have it with him at the time.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 12:21:04 -0400
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: Generic disaster movie script <off. to corporate Hollywood>

  Author unknown

  (The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
  breakfast with her adorable son.)

  HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day!  No sign of any disasters!
  SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
  HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

  (The phone rings.)

  HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell
            me about an impending disaster!
  LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
  HEROINE : I'll be right there!  (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be
            vulnerable.
  SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and placing
        me in grave danger?
  HEROINE : Of course!

  (We see an exterior shot of the White House.  Inside, the president,
  looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

  PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
  VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
  PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
  SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is
                    going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars
                    flying in all directions.
  PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes!  Why so long?
  SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
  GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
  PRESIDENT : Why?
  GENERAL : I hate Houston.
  PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.  I want
                            you to take your minority sidekick and get over
                            to the laboratory immediately and develop a
                            romance interest with the heroine.  If this
                            movie is rated ``R,'' she can show her breasts.
  HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

  (The next scene is in the laboratory.  The hero and heroine are staring
  intently at a computer screen.)

  HEROINE : ... and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the three
            of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

  (A lab worker rushes up.)

  LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
               in the cosine range!
  HERO : What does that mean?
  HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish.  But it's time for the
            disaster!  And my son is home alone!

  (The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood.  People are screaming;
  miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

  HEROINE : This is terrible!  Thousands of people are being killed!
  HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
  SON : Help!  Help!
  HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
  SON : No, it's Bobby!
  HEROINE : Oh, right.
  HERO : I'll save him!
  HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

  (The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

  HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
  SON : With Val Kilmer?  I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
  HERO : He wasn't available.

  (The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
  relieved.)

  PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
              characters survived except the minority sidekick!

  (The Cabinet applauds.)

  GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
  PRESIDENT: OK by me.

  (THE END)

http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 11:26:55 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Fighting hamsters (Kinda gross)

An officemate got a fighting fish. Fighting fish spend all their lives
in a lonely little tank by themselves... then if you put another fish
in there they duke it out to the death.

I think it's because they're very terratorial. I guess it is the same
with fighting cocks.

It occurred to me: hamsters are very terratorial. Good thing nobody's
thought of fighting hamsters! I can picture it now, a bunch of rough
guys crowded around a habitrail waving money and shouting.

I guess people don't do it because hamsters are so cute you don't
think of them as vicious critters.

......................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 12:09:53 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Noah in modern times <clean>

This was posted by Keith James on another list.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:  "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet.  I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.  "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.  The skies began to cloud up and rain began to
fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.  And
there was no Ark.  "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"  A
lightning  bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.  "I did my best.  But there
were big problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.  So I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight
over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbors
objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there
was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince
U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I  needed the wood to save the owls.  But
they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So no owls. Then the carpenters
formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement
with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a
saw or a hammer.  Now we  have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and
still no owls.

Then I started  gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I
got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted
a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment  Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed
to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the
state about owing some kind of use tax.  I really don't think I can
finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched
across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.  "You mean you're not going
to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 13:59:32 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Classic: florist joke

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to
send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".  The owner was
angry and so call the florist to complain.  After he had told the
florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location'"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 11:20:54 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Two guys in a field <off. to gays>

A gay guy and straight guy were walking through a field.
A long the way they saw a sheep with its head caught in a
fence. The straight guy ran up to the sheep, said he couldn't
miss an opportunity like this, whipped his trouser down and
laid into the sheep.
After he was finished he told his friend he didn't know
what he was missing, and that he should give it a go.
With that the gay guy pulled his trousers down and stuck his
head in the fence.....

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 17:37:22 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: various jokes (may be offensive to men-  but who cares)

Susan Vass, a local Minneapolis comedian, always ends her act this way.
"Remember, men, when women tell you size isn't important,--
they're lying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


My sister, Pearly, doesn't tell jokes like I do, but she's naturally funny.
A couple of years ago, she called to tell me she was going to the Mall of
America.  I commented that it was about time, the mall had been open for over
6 months.  She was very proud.  She said "I'm going to my inaugural mall!"

We were on a vacation in Tokyo and were enjoying Tempura at a local
restaurant. After I bit into something, I commented to Pearly that I wasn't certain what it was. She said, "It's probably an unidentified frying object.".

While celebrating Pearly's birthday, she was lamenting about herself and
Sophia Loren.  "Look at her and all she's done, and how gorgeous she is, and
we are the same age and I have done nothing like her."
I sadly  commented, "Gee, I didn't even know you were the same sex."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 02:41:58 +0400
From:    Chemo <shaks@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Pepsi v.s Coke <adult>

This Pepsi co. truck driver's driving down death valley, when suddenly his
truck runs out of gas. So he grabs few bottles of Pepsi and walks, hoping to
find someone or something before the Pepsi runs out. He finds a house middle
of nowhere, and rings the bell.
An old man answers. "Ye olde inn" he says. "How may I help you?"
"I'd like a room for the night, please, and someone to get my truck down the
road. It ran out of gas."
"There's only one problem, sir. We have no spare rooms, but there's one room
with two beds, and my daughter sleeps in one of them. You may take the
other, but no hanky panky, because my daughter's a virgin, and should remain
that way till she's married."
So the guy moves into the room, and lies down. A while later, the daughter
walks in. The fellow had never seen a sexier girl. But, heeding the
inkeeper's wwarning, he tries to get some sleep. About midnight, he wakes up
to find the girl walking up to his bed - completely naked! The poor guy
can't resist it, and he humps her. To stop the bleeding (her cherry got
popped, naturally), he placed a Pepsi bittle top up her. Next morning, he
finds his truck outside, pays the innkeeper, and drives off.

A few days later, a Coca Cola truck driver's driving down death valley, when
suddenly, his truck breaks down. So he gets out, takes a six pack of Coke,
and walks. He comes to the same inn, and the same thing happens. He's lying
doown in the daughter's room when she walks in. He's never seen a sexier
woman, but he decides to let it go. At midnight, she wakes him up and
seduces him. While humping her, he feels something hard "up there". So he
takes a look.
"My God... when the boss hears about this! Those Pepsi people advertise
everywhere!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 21:50:36 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Boots & romance<language>& survey stuff

A construction worker,big & burly has been married for better than 8
years.  Because of his job causing him to leave the house very early in
the morning he & the wife have decided it would be a lot easier on the
both of them if they had separate beds.

This without trying has cut into their love life & its been some time
between the sheets for them when one night around 1:00, the man hears the
wife whispering, "Are you sleeping darling?"

He very quickly says NO! and tells the little lady that he'll be right
over to her bed.

She says no, & insists that his bed has more room so she'll come over to
him.

The room is very dark and as she approaches his bed she stumbles over his
big construction boot.

OW!! she says & comes to her rescue by asking "What's the matter,
sweetheart?"

She explains that she stubbed her toe & now is hurting.  He not wanting
to miss an opportunity, consoles her, rubs her toe, kisses her toe and
asks if it feels better. Kisses it again and asks how she is feeling.
After all that attention she once more is in a romantic mood & they have
great sex for half an hour.

Once the cigarettes are out she kisses him on the lips, tells him she
loves him and says she is going to return to her bed.  He slaps her on
the behind, says he too loves her & off she goes.

Since its still quite dark she once again stubs her toe & yells OW!!

To which our dashing husband answers by bellowing

"Why don't you watch where to fuck you're going!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 May 1997 09:43:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Male Stages Of Life <adult>

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
-----------------------

AGE        DRINK
17         beer
25         vodka
35         scotch
48         double scotch
66         Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17         My parents are away for the weekend.
25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48         My wife is away for the weekend.
66         My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17         sex
25         sex
35         sex
48         sex
66         napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17         "tongue"
25         "breakfast"
35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66         "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17         getting to third
25         airplane sex
35         menage a trois
48         taking the company public
66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17         roaches
25         stoned-out college roommate
35         Irish setter
48         children from his first marriage
66         Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17         25
25         35
35         48
48         66
66         17

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 May 1997 to 30 May 1997
************************************************
