HUMOR Digest - 28 May 1997 to 29 May 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 543 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. fishy story (sl. suggestive)
  2. Another Lawyer Joke <clean>
  3. Politics <Hopefully, offensive to Politicians>
  4. Medieval English, Part 5 <clean>
  5. Cigarettes (language)
  6. From Today's Newspaper...
  7. Humans Vs. Computers
  8. You might be... (clean, part 3/3)
  9. Definition
 10. After Sales <no off.>
 11. Darwin Award Winner <Offensive to REALLY stupid people>
 12. Zippers <adult>
 13. Dog habits<gross>& survey
 14. The Female Stages Of Life <adult>

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Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 07:13:38 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: fishy story (sl. suggestive)

attributed to Dr Sandy Urquhart of the College of
St Mark & St John, UK

An English traveller, a lover of seafood, happened to travel to
to travel to Boston in the USA.  Having heard of New England
Scrod, he decided he should try it.

When he landed at Boston Airport he got through all the
formalities, picked up his baggage and went straight through to
the airport taxi rank. He flagged a cab and jumped inside.

"Where can I take you sir?" asked the cab driver "Take me to
where I can get scrod" announced the English bloke. The taxi
driver looked quite taken aback and didn't reply. "What's the
matter" asked the english bloke "Haven't you ever had this
request before?" "Oh Yes" replied the taxi bloke, "but never in
the pluperfect subjunctive!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 12:09:57 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Another Lawyer Joke <clean>

  A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
  to inscribe on his tombstone,  "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
  lawyer."  The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
  confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried
  under the stone.  However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
  "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."  That way, whenever
  anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to
  remark: "That's Strange!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 04:17:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Politics <Hopefully, offensive to Politicians>

*   Like a lot of County Councils, ours here in Howard County is filled
  with rivalries.  At one meeting, the old time Republican (Charlie) and
  the liberal Democrat (Vernon) couldn't agree on anything at all.
    The County Executive suggested a cooling off period and a working
  dinner. Once cocktails were served, Charlie lifted his glass and said,
  "Vernon, here's wishing to you what you're wishing for me.
    Vernon stood up, knocking his chair over in the progress, and shouted,
  "See everybody, he's starting in again already !!!"
                                - - - - -

* My Grandfather had his own version of most fairy tales.  One of my all
  time favorites starts out "Now the first little pig was a fuzzy-thinking
  liberal who built his house of straw supplied by the Federal Gov't.
                                - - - - -

* Did y'all ever notice that President Clinton actually gives four totally
  different speeches each and every time he talks:
       1) What he has written down
       2) What he actually sez
       3) What he wishes he would have said
       4) What he says he meant
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of Clinton, he loves to come off as "one of the guys."  The
  other day he was preparing for one of his famous "chats" and he said
  to co-President Hillary, "Where's that list of people I call by their
  first names ?"
                                - - - - -

* And when ole Clinton described himself as "Arkansas' Favorite Son",
  I wish to assure y'all that that's one of the greatest unfinished
  sentences of all time !
                                - - - - -

* And ole Hillary's so supportive too.  After the last press conference
  where ole Bill got bombarded with questions about Watergate, she told
  him that she loved the straight-forward way he dodged all the issues.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 11:58:14 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Medieval English, Part 5 <clean>

TOWN AIR IS FREE AIR:
Modern: Yes, quite. Polluted, but free.
Medieval: Words used in many town charters to proclaim free any serf who
lives there for a year and a day without being claimed by his lord.
(Urbanization, finally explained).

VILLAIN:
Modern: A wicked person.
Medieval: The wealthiest class of peasant. They usually cultivated 20-40
acres of land, often in isolated strips.

VIRGATE:
Modern: A gate that has never been opened, a virgin gate.
Medieval: One quarter of a "hide".

WARLAND:
Modern: The terrain on which you play Warcraft.
Medieval: Land liable for tax, as opposed to Inland, which is generally
exempt from tax. (Tell that to the Inland Revenue Service!)

YOKE:
Modern: A tremendously oppressive force (e.g., Wife, Teenage Daughters,
Mother-In-Law, Boss...)
Medieval: A measurement of land in Kent equal to half "hide".

(Finito).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 13:46:51 +0200
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Cigarettes (language)

Last weekend I was at Paris with a friend. Near the Eiffle tower we lit
a ciragette and then I asked him this question, and got the following
reply.

Q: Why are cigarettes above a certain length called "King's Size"?
A: Because only King's have sizes!
Q: If women were to smoke these cigarettes will they be called "Queen's
   depth"?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 09:45:25 EDT
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: From Today's Newspaper...

>From today's newspaper...

   "TBS (8:05)  Movie  * 1/2  "Sleepwalkers."  (1992, Horror)  Brian
      Krause, Madchen Amick.  Evil beings feed on the life force
      of teen-age virgins."

Comment...

   They would starve!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 10:36:04 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Humans Vs. Computers

Relax, We're Still Smarter Than Those Dumb Computers by Jim Mica

There's been a lot of hooey in the news again about the
intelligence of computers. IBM's program (Deep Blue) beat a chess
grand-master at his own game and we are all supposed to be
worried about being supplanted by machines.  Don't sweat it!

The other day I heard of a wife who made the following statement
to her husband:  "Its a mighty fine husband who's better than no
husband at all."

Now, once upon a time, the phrase "better than no husband at all"
could be taken as an instance of damning with faint praise.  In
that Era --call it Patriarchal Society-- folks "knew" that having
any husband, no matter how bad, was preferable to not having one.
This can be expressed as (H > not_H).  Consequently, saying that
your husband was better than no husband at all was saying that he
was equivalent to the worst possible husband.

Then the preference structure of the society changed.  We moved
into an era of Equality.  This meant that it was NOT THE CASE
that having any husband, no matter how bad, was preferable to
having no husband at all.  This can be expressed as NOT ( H  >
not_H).  This subtle shift in preferences meant that it was
better to have no husband than to have a bad one.  Thus, saying
that your husband was better than no husband at all now meant
that he was better than the worst possible husband.  This only
seems to be a bit better than the meaning of the evaluation in
the patriarchal era.

Society changed again.  Now (call it the Feminist Era) we know
that having no husband at all is preferable to having one.  This
can be expressed as (not_H > H).  Thus, when the wife I mentioned
at the beginning said that her "mighty fine" spouse was better
than no husband at all, she was praising him highly.  She was
saying that he was, somehow, better than the best possible
husband.

Now I admit, keeping all of this straight so that I can
understand the wife's observation makes my head swim a bit.  I
mean, not only do you need to be aware of changes in the
prevailing preference structure, you also have to be aware of
subtle shifts in the value of a husband.  And you also have to be
aware that you are aware of these shifts --that's called irony.
Ever hear of a computer that could handle irony?  Comparatively,
moving some pieces around a game board is child's play.  So,
compute that Deep Blue!

- - - -
The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 11:32:26 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: You might be... (clean, part 3/3)

YOU MIGHT BE A CHILD OF THE 70's IF...

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
     --Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think
the creatures are WAY cool.
     --Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages,
and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the
characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there.
     --Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and
you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt.
You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan
club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type
magazine spreads all over your  walls and lockers at school.

     You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that
maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a
bad idea after all
     You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major
degree
     You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a
first name basis because "there's too many kids there"
     Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when
the cops show up
     You want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back
hurts, sorry
     You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" spiel, not
just from parents, but now from friends that are married
     You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed,
not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to
do so
     You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo
used on MTV any more
     You ever wanted to be gagged  with a spoon
     U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now
     You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation
     When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days
theme is stuck in your head for hours on end
     You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the
first scene.
     You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't LIKE me
when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
     You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or
Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man
     You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)
     You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"
     You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it
was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
     You know who shot J.R.
     Finally, this rings a bell: "My name, is Charlie.  They work for me."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 13:25:48 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Definition

 boomerangst n 1: a morbid feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or
 insecurity that one is unaccountably about get whacked in the side
 of the head by a bent or angular throwing club typically flat on
 one side and rounded on the other so that it soars or curves in
 flight; 2: a fully justified feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or
 insecurity about the future of Social Security common to members of
 the generation born in the United States during the years immediately
 after the second world war

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 21:22:34 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: After Sales <no off.>

This beautiful new secretary was showing a lot of cleavage.
So her boss touched her left breast and asked: "Is this for sale ?"
"No, of course not !", she angrily replied.
"Then stop advertising it."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 16:00:06 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Darwin Award Winner <Offensive to REALLY stupid people>

DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit to
his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner:  Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea.  He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair.   He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating
lawn chair.  He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and
provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30
feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours
come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead  he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon.

He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After
climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet At that height he
couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load
and really find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting, cold
and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los
Angeles International Airport.

A United pilot first spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence
of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow.  It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot
pursuit.

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for
a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever
they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled
back to shore.  The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the
helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members
of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 17:01:48 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Zippers <adult>

     A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she
can't step up.  She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries
again.   Skirt's still too tight.  She reaches behind her and lowers the
zipper some more.  She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
     Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto
the bus.  She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you
well enough for you to do that!!"
     The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip
my fly three times either!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 May 1997 19:30:25 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dog habits<gross>& survey

A truck driver & his helper are on a trip in a southern town where the
temperature is somewhere around 108 in the shade.

The truck has stopped at a red light next to a park.  The truck driver is
watching a dog on the green enjoying the day by licking his balls.  The
truck driver says to his helper,  Hey, wouldn't you rather be down there
doing what that hound dog is doing than sitting up here sweating to
death?

The helper looks around & finally spots the animal, thinks about the
question for a while and says,

Naw, with my luck he'd probably bite me

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 May 1997 09:30:43 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Female Stages Of Life <adult>

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
-------------------------
AGE        DRINK
17         Wine Coolers
25         White wine
35         Red wine
48         Dom Perignon
66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17         Need to wash my hair
25         Need to wash and condition my hair
35         Need to color my hair
48         Need to have Francois color my hair
66         Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17         "Burger King"
25         "Free meal"
35         "A diamond"
48         "A bigger diamond"
66         "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17         tall, dark and handsome
25         tall, dark and handsome with money
35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48         a man with hair
66         a man

HOUSE PET
17         Muffy the cat
25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17         17
25         25
35         35
48         48
66         66


IDEAL DATE
17         He offers to pay
25         He pays
35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66         He can chew breakfast


			=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I can shoot down the most basic economic theory with just one
little statement.  Why is it that the girl with the least principle
draws the most amount of interest ?

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 May 1997 to 29 May 1997
************************************************
