HUMOR Digest - 27 May 1997 to 28 May 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 321 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Yuppies Ride Again <PG - 14>
  2. <HUMOR> Sex and Bangkok
  3. Medieval English, part 4 <clean>
  4. too funny
  5. Men or Women <sexual>
  6. Speeding
  7. Farm Humor (mild language)
  8. You might be... (clean, part 2/3)
  9. Modern version of old joke (not offensive)
 10. Train conductor (slightly offensive)

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Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 02:30:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Yuppies Ride Again <PG - 14>

*   Although it kills me to admit this, some of the Yuppettes I've come
  in contact with from Columbia Maryland are real knock-outs.  I guess
  I was kinda staring at one at a recent social event we attended.  She
  caught me staring and (I guess from the leer on my face) suspected that
  I wasn't admiring her outfit.
    She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts ?"
    Thankfully, my brain was still in gear, and I responded, "Well, no.
  Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."
                                - - - - -

*   This Yuppie, being in a charitable mood, picked up a hitchhiker on
  I-95.  The young man was properly in awe of the big expensive BMW.  As
  they traveled along however, he noticed a thick pair of glasses on the
  console between them.
    "Are those glasses yours ?" the hitchhiker asked nervously, since
  they were roaring along at about 80 mph.
    "Yes, they indeed are." responded the Yuppie, "Wouldn't go anywhere
  without them.  But don't worry," he said, noticing the young man's
  nervous reaction to the glasses, "my side of the windshield is ground
  to my prescription."
                                - - - - -

* I have a new definition for y'all to consider.  A Lesbian Yuppette is
  nothing more than a mannish depressive with delusions of gender.
                                - - - - -

* So many Yuppettes seem to appreciate the quiet things in life --
  Like the folding of a five hundred dollar bill.
                                - - - - -

*   After numerous complaints from her Columbia neighbors, the Yuppette
  sadly agreed to have a vet render her cat fit to guard a harem.
    "I'll bet," some one overjoyed neighbor, "that that ex-Tom of yours
  just lies on the hearth now and gets fat."
     "Well, not exactly." replied the Yuppette. "He still goes out at
  night, but now he just goes along as a consultant."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 15:02:40 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Sex and Bangkok

Based on a joke from Jasper Carrot

Did you hear about the bloke who took his wife with him to Bangkok?
At the airport they charged him corkage fee!

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Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 11:41:27 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Medieval English, part 4 <clean>

MARCHER LORDS:
Modern: Power walkers.
Medieval: The name commonly given to Norman landholders on the
Welsh border.

MARK:
Modern: Sucker.
Medieval: A measure of silver, generally eight ounces, accepted throughout
Western Europe. In England is worth thirteen shillings and four pence, two
thirds of one pound.

RAPE:
Modern: Forcing sexual intercourse against a person's will.
Medieval: The Sussex equivalent of a "hundred".

RELIEF:
Modern: Feeling of well-being, following the removal of pain or distress.
Medieval: The fee paid by the heir of a deceased person on securing
possession of a fief.

SERGEANT:
Modern: Non-commissioned officer of an army.
Medieval: A servant who accompanies his lord to battle.

THIRD PENNY:
Modern: What comes after the first and the second penny.
Medieval: The local earls' one third share of fines in shire or hundred
courts, often allocated afterwards to a particular manor or church as
income.

One more...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 09:05:54 -0400
From:    Ben Levitan <BenLev@AOL.COM>
Subject: too funny

The managers plan (may be offensive to engineering managers)

The names have been changed to Dilbert, Wally, Big Boss and Manager so more
people think this is actually themselves.

Subject: Too funny to make up

After 17 edits of a document (15 were overkill), Manager says documentation
must go out to BIG BOSS for review on Tuesday, so he need it now.  (It is
prior Friday)

DILBERT:  I can't because I gave it to WALLY for cross review per your
          instructions.
MANAGER:  You shouldn't have done that but, OK.  But get it back and by Tues
          it HAS to get to BIG BOSS.
DILBERT:  OK , but if don't get it back from cross review by then I'll go to
          the BIG BOSS and tell him it will be late.
MANAGER:  He's not going to be in Tues.  He's gone till next friday
DILBERT:  Ok so what's the rush about Tues?
MANAGER:  Cuz Tues is the deadline.  He's going to give it to someone to
          review anyway.
DILBERT:  How is he going to do that if he's not here on Tuesday?
MANAGER:  Oh, well we'll send it direct to the reviewer.
DILBERT:  Ok, I will send it direct to the reviewer on Tues?
MANAGER:  No, he hasn't been assigned yet.
DILBERT:  OK, so what do you want me to do?  Wait till Friday?
MANAGER:  No, this has got to get done tuesday or the schedule slips.
DILBERT:  Well we don't want that.  How about if I send it to your secretary
          and she'll wait for your instructions.
MANAGER:  Good idea.

Email from secretary, next day:  I will be on vacation Tuesday.  Per MANAGER
decision please bring this document to BIG BOSS for review.  Be sure it gets
there or the schedule will slip.

(names have been changed)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 10:04:25 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Men or Women <sexual>

Q:  Who enjoys sex more, men or women?
A:  Women.

 Here's the proof...

 You know how when your ear itches, you put your finger in,
 twist it, wiggle it, and then take it out?  Well, which feels
 better, your finger or your ear?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 09:24:07 -0400
From:    "Harter, Doug" <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: Speeding

Thanks to one of my cousins.

An old man and his wife were out driving and saw that a police car was
trying to pull them over.  They stop the car and the police man gets out
and comes over to the car.
Policeman: You were going a little bit fast back there.
NOTE: The way most old people drive, this seems preposterous, but this
is the way I was told the joke.
Old woman(who was driving): WHAT'D HE SAY?
Old Man: HE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING.
Policeman: Let me see your Driver's License.
Old woman: WHAT'D HE SAY?
Old man: HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.
Policeman(after studying license a minute): Freda Schwartz, I knew a
Freda Schwartz when I was High School. Went out on a date with her and
it was the worst date I ever had.
Old Woman: WHAT'D HE SAY?
Old man: HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.


*Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
 nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maughm

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 09:24:08 -0700
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: Farm Humor (mild language)

Three moles decide to invade the farmer's storage shed.  At first, they
start digging side by side, but as the tunnel progresses, it gets
narrower and narrower until they are all going single-file.  Before
long, they are getting close...

The first mole stops, sniffs, and proclaims, "I smells corn!"
They continue a short way and the second says, "I smells barley and
oats!"
After a short time, the third states, "Alls I can smell is molasses."

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Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 12:24:51 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: You might be... (clean, part 2/3)

YOU MIGHT BE A CHILD OF THE 70's IF...

     You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve
49,000 selections to choose from.
     Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the
English language.
     Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss
you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
     You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing,
and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you
when you want to buy cigarettes.
     Flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential
election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really
wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
     You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran,
Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
     At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable
tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
     "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you
 first heard it at a school dance.
     The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy
for You" by Madonna.
     There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went
by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
     You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
     You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains
on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made
millions seemed rational to you at the time.
     You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the
streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
     The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
     You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal
Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong
again for old time's sake.
     Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
     You ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian
from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had
for hands.
     You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man
with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes
and talked strangely.
     You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's
photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the
comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
     You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun
going into denial about it's possibility.
     You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and
it's those people over 40 you have to look out for
     You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50"
age category on most questionnaires
     You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially
inappropriate for you to date due to their age
     Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which
can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 18:02:02 +0500
From:    JD <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Modern version of old joke (not offensive)

-Modern Version of Old Joke-

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by
farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.
"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was
wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....."
The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to
sleep with my two sons...."
The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"

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Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 18:04:08 +0500
From:    JD <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Train conductor (slightly offensive)

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons-of-bitches who want
off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons-of-bitches who are getting on, get on the train cause we're leaving!"
The mother quickly ran in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours.
When you come out you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice
language."
Two hours later the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with
his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say'
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
that your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will ride with us again
soon."
"For those of you just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your
hand luggage below your seat. Also, remember that there is no smoking
allowed except in the club cab. We hope that you will have a pleasant and
very enjoyable and relaxing trip with us today."
"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the
bitch in the kitchen!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 May 1997 to 28 May 1997
************************************************
