HUMOR Digest - 26 May 1997 to 27 May 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 370 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Education <some adult humor>
  2. Medieval English, part 3 <clean>
  3. You might be... (clean, part 1/3)
  4. Grammar (slighltly vulgar)
  5. A medical problem (sexual) (fwd)
  6. London bus humor
  7. How do you say...?
  8. Women prefer hunters <sexual content>
  9. Texan humor (mildly offensive)
 10. Condoms For Sale <adult>
 11. Congressmen <off to pedophiles>
 12. Joke-Rated:Obsession

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Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 02:39:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Education <some adult humor>

* Spring is upon us once again, and with it comes the usual round of
  College graduations.  This year's grads deserve your sympathy though,
  the way the economy's going these days, they run the risk of finding
  work pretty much anywhere they look.
                                - - - - -

*   Joel had a blind date for the prom, and as the evening progressed
  he found himself attracted to her more and more.  After some really
  passionate embracing he said "Tell me, do you object to making love ?"
    "That's something I've never done before." she replied.
    "Never made love ?  You mean you're a virgin ?" Joel was amazed.
    "No Silly !" she giggled, "Never objected."
                                - - - - -

*   With graduation, the couple would each be returning to their own
  home towns, and while they were crushed together in a passionate
  embrace, he decided to tell her that he had made up his mind to dump
  her since they lived thousands of miles apart.  "Honey," he said "I
  want you to know that I think you're a wonderful person, but as far
  as I'm concerned our relationship can go no further."
    "Why what do you mean ?" she asked.  "I thought you were serious."
    "Well, to be honest," he went on, "you're more like a sister to me."
    "My GOD !" she murmured, "what a home life you must have !!!"
                                - - - - -

* Mark always took great pleasure in introducing his ecology major girl,
  who loved to "frolic" in the woods, as the "down-to-earth" type.
                                - - - - -

*   A couple of Professors were discussing problems in their college
  when one of them said "You know that Liebowitz, he's fooling around
  with his students."
    The other said, "Well, no, I don't know him, but so what, everybody
  here does it."
    "Yeah," the first professor agreed, "But Liebowitz is the football
  coach."

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Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 12:28:06 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Medieval English, part 3 <clean>

HUE AND CRY:
Modern: Paint yourself and weep.
Medieval: The requirement of all members of a village to pursue a criminal
with horn and voice. It is a duty of any person discovering a felony
to raise the hue and cry and his neighbours are bound to assist him
in pursuit and capture of the offender.

HUNDRED:
Modern: Bo Derek  x  Bo Derek = 100.
Medieval: Anglo Saxon institution. Subdivision of a Shire. Theoretically
equals one hundred hides, but hardly ever (You couldn't trust anybody
in those days, could you?).

INLAND:
Modern: Located in the interior of a country.
Medieval: Land exempt from tax.

KNIGHT'S FEE:
Modern: A monetary reward for one-knight stand.
Medieval: A fief which provides sufficient revenue to equip and support
one knight. This is approximately twelve hides or 1500 acres.

MAN:
Modern: A carbon-based bipedal life form, that is not a woman.
  Also, a dog's best friend.
Medieval: To be a lord's man, to owe obligations to, in the forms of
labour or service. A woman can be someone's man. (Say what?)

MAN-AT-ARMS:
Modern: Dog's best friend, with two upper limbs, that are used to connect
the shoulders to the wrists.
Medieval: A soldier holding his land, generally 60-120 acres, specifically
in exchange for military service.

More...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 06:43:56 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: You might be... (clean, part 1/3)

YOU MIGHT BE A CHILD OF THE 70's IF...

     You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've
never met in real life before.
     The phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic
ticket or playing tennis.
     You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
     Not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your
attention.
     The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
     You remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was
called "Battlestar Galactica".
     Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
     Three words: "Atari"  "IntelliVision" and "Coleco".  Sound familiar?
     You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television
wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to
use your computer!
     You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
     You even owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination
of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
     A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
     You're upset that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, upset
that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time
doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what
the 90's are all about.
     You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those
childhood photos, and they still look bad.
     While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by
Prince over and over again.
     You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
     You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you
were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone
mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
     You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's
the end of the world as we know it".
     You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer
connotation to it as well
     You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.  You rode
in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
     You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but
it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
     You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"
     You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you
really understand that it would have been much better had you known about
drugs at the time.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 19:46:20 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Grammar (slighltly vulgar)

A "bloke" from England who was a lover of exotic fish based food decided
to travel to Boston in the USA to try out the famous New England seafood
delicacy, Scrod fish. When he landed at Boston Airport he got through all
the formalities picked up his baggage and went straight through to the
airport taxi rank. He flagged a cab and jumped inside.
"Where can I take you sir?" asked the cab driver
"Take me to where I can get scrod" announced the English bloke.
The taxi driver looked quite taken aback and didn't reply.
"What's the matter" asked the english bloke "Haven't you ever had this
request before?"
"Oh Yes" replied the taxi bloke, "but never in the pluperfect
subjunctive!"


*And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their
 famous close order swanning about."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 15:19:04 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: A medical problem (sexual) (fwd)

A man with a permanent hard-on went to a pharmacy. He had this problem
for a couple of days and he couldn't stand it any longer. At the counter
was a woman chemist. He felt very embarrassed about talking to her about
it but he couldn't resist it any longer so he told her and asked:

- Now that you know my problem, is there anything you can give me?

- Yes sir, $3000 a month plus the usual perks...

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Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 10:37:47 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: London bus humor

A friend of mine sent this to me, and he got it from a friend, who
got it from a friend, etc.  So I don't really know where it came
from, but I thought I would pass it along.

ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.  When
she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated
on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing.  She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he
acted in such a manner.  His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust
Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove
Swelling".  I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".  Then I could not
control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident."

He won the case.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 11:35:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: How do you say...?

(Taken from The Ottawa Citizen, May 18th, 1997)

SOMETIMES YOU NEED WORDS IN A HURRY.
The New York Times Magazine recently provided its readers with an
emergency glossary with the French, German and Spanish translations of
the following:

* There is an iguana in my shoe.

* Does this restaurant have a name?

* I am allergic to moonfish.

* A small person has bitten my leg.

* My soup is alive.

* Are they going to sacrifice that chicken/goat/civil servant?

* That man/woman is not my husband/wife

* When was the hotel demolished?

* I think it came from a blowpipe.

* What is the usual ransom?

* This policeman is drunk.

* Can you remove bloodstains?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 10:49:19 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Women prefer hunters <sexual content>

Q:  Why do women prefer hunters to other men?

A: Three reasons:
       They go deep into the bush.
       They can shoot twice if they need to.
       They often eat what they shoot.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 18:44:09 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Texan humor (mildly offensive)

A young women was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar.
"Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest.  I am
amazed"
"Well thank you ma'am.  It's 33 inches"
"Wow, around?"
"No, ma'am.  Through."
"Well, then, sir.  What about your waist?"
"It's 28 inches."
"Around?"
"No, ma'am.  Through."
"Well, then.  One last question.  What about the size of your private, ahh ,
you know".
"You see, ma'am.  It's 3 inches!"
"Wow, " said the woman.   "Through?!"
"No, Ma'am.  From the floor!!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 09:19:51 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Condoms For Sale <adult>

   This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began
   to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15
   mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment
   he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up
   again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot",
   to which she replied "Do you know what size you are ?" and he said
   "no".
   The girl then said "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you
   are", the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the
   girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1
   packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please", he pulls up his trousers,
   the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his
   way
   Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice
   girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a
   similar course of events takes place only this time after having a
   feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please",
   the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on
   his way.
   Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old
   boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon
   reaching the checkout girl he says " I'd like to buy some condoms
   please, but I forgot" and the girl replies "Do you know what size you
   are ?" and he says "Nope" and then she asks him to drop his trousers
   and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone "Mop and
   Bucket to aisle 3 please!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 00:06:09 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Congressmen <off to pedophiles>

Q: Why don't congressmen use bookmarks?

A: They prefer bent-over pages.

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Date:    Tue, 27 May 1997 09:59:00 PDT
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Rated:Obsession


A middle age man had an obsession with women's breasts.  So he went to a
psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"I am going to do word-association.  I am going to say a word and you
will say the first thing that come to your mind," explained the doctor.
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute|  I still can see the connetions between oranges, apples,
watermelons and breasts.  But automobile's wipers? Where is the 
connection?" asked the doctor confused.
"Easy.  One on the left and one on the right|"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 May 1997 to 27 May 1997
************************************************
