HUMOR Digest - 25 May 1997 to 26 May 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 303 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. unsubscribe
  2. Dating & Relationships <some adult humor>
  3. More lawyer bashing <offensive to lawyers>
  4. Catching a mouse<language>
  5. FWD: Book humor
  6. Letter From Evangelist <adult>
  7. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
  8. A DAY IN THE JUNGLE
  9. <HUMOR> Stuttering Irishmen, blondes and amusing site
 10. The Proctologist <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 02:40:40 -0400
From:    Scott Laughlin <DIAMONZ51@AOL.COM>
Subject: unsubscribe

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes] 

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 03:54:56 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Dating & Relationships <some adult humor>

*   In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl around.  "A lot
  of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
    "Really ?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending
  to marry ?"
                                - - - - -

* Talk about mixed signals.  Did ya ever date a legal secretary ?  I did
  one time and she told me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face !"
                                - - - - -

*   Dateless and alone, Al was delighted when a lovely young girl sat
  down at his table in a restaurant while he was in Rio."
    "Do you speak English ?" he asked.
    "Si, bot jsu'a leetle beet."
    "Just a little bit, huh ?  How much ?"
    "Fifty-five dollar," was the prompt reply.
                                - - - - -

*   The sweet young thang telephoned her best girlfriend to complain
  bitterly about her latest date.  "There we were, in his apartment,
  making love right on the sofa, and someone knocked on the door. And,
  he had the nerve to get up and answer it."
    "You mean he just left you lying there ?" the astonished girlfriend
  replied,  "That's terrible !"
    "Actually, I wish he would have," sobbed the girl, "but he took me
  with him."
                                - - - - -

*   The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good
  friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same
  apartment building.  The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
  He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was
  anything she could do to help.
    He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me
  take a bath ?"
    She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
  erection begin to appear.  "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed.  "Look
  Henry, it still recognizes me."

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 08:15:22 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More lawyer bashing <offensive to lawyers>

An airliner is flying New York to Paris and starts to develop major
engine problems. The pilot advises everyone that the possibility
exists that the plane will go down in the ocean.  He tells the crew
to prepare for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is
buckled in and ready.  "All set back here, came the reply, "except for
one lawyer who is still handing out business cards."

Contributed by Brian Strinchfield,  Reader's Digest

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 10:36:43 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Catching a mouse<language>

A man & wife  having finished foreplay when she asks the dreaded
question.  Darling would you use a condom?

Reluctantly he leaves the bed, goes to the dresser and fetches one, is
putting it on when he sees the bedroom door open & his seven year old boy
is saying goodnight to his mother. (Late trip to the batroom)

Mom has pulled the covers over her head and pretends to be sleeping.  Dad
with nowhere to hide falls to the floor on all fours and tries to coverup
as best as he can.

The boy looks at Dad and asks   Goodnight Dad  Uhh what are you doing?

Dad says   Ohh ahhh Just looking for a mouse.

The child says Oh Cool!!  When you catch him, what are you going to do,

Fuck him?

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 12:32:45 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: FWD: Book humor

 The Top Sixteen World's Shortest Books:

      16.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
      15.  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
      14.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
      13.  Career Opportunities for History Majors
      12.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
      11.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
      10.  Easy UNIX
      9.   Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
      8.   Everything Men Know About Women
      7.   Everything Women Know About Men
      6.   French Hospitality
      5.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
      4.   How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
      3.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
      2.   The Amish Phone Book

      And the number one World's Shortest Book:

      1.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 12:58:29 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Letter From Evangelist <adult>

The Rescue Mission
666 Confederate Drive
Macon, Georgia


Dear Friend,

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of
temperance.  Each winter for the past fourteen years, I have toured the
eastern United States and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of
drinking and philandering.

I have been accompanied by my young friend, Tommy Patton.  Tommy, a young man
of good family and excellent educational background, is a pathetic example of
a life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and wild women.

Tommy would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform staring at
the audiences through bloodshot eyes, wheezing, sweating profusely, picking
his nose, passing gas, fondling his genital area and making obscene gestures.
Whereupon, I would point him out as an example of what over-indulgence in a
life of sin can do to a person.

Unfortunately, Tommy was recently committed to an institution for the
sexually deviant and criminally insane.  A mutual friend has given your name
to me as a possible replacement, and I was wondering if you would be
available to take Tommy's place on my next winter tour.

                       Your Friend in Healing Lost Souls,

                                        Jim Bakker
                                   Evangelist and Founder

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 16:39:01 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

           Jake the cat hailed as hero for stopping burglar

 SAN DIEGO, California (Reuter) - Jake, an aging but feisty tomcat, was
hailed as a hero Friday for thwarting a burglary attempt at his owner's
home in San Diego. The ailing, 18-year-old orange and white feline leaped
at the suspect, landed on his shoulder and clawed his back and both arms,
San Diego Police Det. James Dixon said.

 He said the suspect, Juan Mendoza-Guzman, a Mexican national who had
worked as a locksmith, allegedly broke into the apartment of a 33-year-old
woman Thursday night by picking the lock to her door.

 When he tried to unhook the video cassette recorder, a watch on top of the
VCR began beeping. Apparently fearing the woman would wake up, he crept
into her bedroom, Dixon said.  "The next thing he knew, the cat jumped on
his right shoulder and scratched him on his lower back and both arms. I'm
sure the cat startled the guy and he yelled out," the detective said.

 The suspect's shout awakened the woman, but Mendoza-Guzman put his hand
over her mouth and told her not to scream. The victim then bit his finger
and screamed loudly, causing the suspect to flee, Dixon said.

 Mendoza-Guzman was arrested soon after, given first aid for his scratches
and charged with burglary.

 Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited.

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 08:13:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A DAY IN THE JUNGLE

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the
undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out
with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The
startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his
tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger
turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying
to get the taste out of my mouth!"


---
Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 09:18:24 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Stuttering Irishmen, blondes and amusing site

One passed on to me by Bob Butcher, one adapted from a joke by Nury
Vitachi and a great site for a laugh.

Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering.
The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very
difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to
try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with
anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.
The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits
down in disappointment.
The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad
face.
The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately
grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of
frantic lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has
a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.
Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything
that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his
hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry"

Did you hear about the four blondes who went on a picnic. When they had
opened the bottle of 1-cal coke and poured it into the four glasses they
sat and argued about which one of them had got the 1 calorie.

Surf across to http://www-personal.umich.edu/~kcjones/baby.html for the
latest dance craze.


*Before I get messages asking for an explanation of the first joke,
 there's a town in Ireland called Londonderry.

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Date:    Mon, 26 May 1997 10:30:12 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Proctologist <adult>

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really
good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after[
class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he
pulls it and music starts playing!

". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road
again...". The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.E. and
drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the
cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."

The M.E. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy
asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.E. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 May 1997 to 26 May 1997
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