HUMOR Digest - 24 May 1997 to 25 May 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 192 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex <adult humor>
  2. Absent minded lawyers <definitely offensive to lawyers!>
  3. Humor - It's A Wacky World! <adult>
  4. Bad Luck
  5. HUMOR - Mildly suggestive
  6. blind joke(may be offensive to blind people and dogs)
  7. English,The Language

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 02:07:20 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex <adult humor>

*   The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked
  him why.  He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
    "But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very
  good sex life."
    "Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
                                - - - - -

*   The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
  marriage annulled.
    "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take
  annulments lightly."
    "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
  though I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
  married a wide receiver."
                                - - - - -

* A banker I know insists that sex is similar to a savings account. In
  both cases, one loses interest at the moment of withdrawal.
                                - - - - -

* "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the
  field pointed out to me.  "One of my students has become pregnant,
  and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."
                                - - - - -

* Personally I think if all the women's libbers in the world were laid
  end to end, that would be the best thing that could happen to them.
                                - - - - -

*   Two men were discussing martial infidelity.  One asked the other
  what he would do if he ever found another man in bed with his wife.
    "Why, I'd break the son-of-a-bitch's cane over his head, and then,
  shoot his dog too !"

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 09:09:51 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Absent minded lawyers <definitely offensive to lawyers!>

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District
of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal.  Often, he
cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause
         of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."
Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the
         hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short
         time later."
Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy.  I was
         not involved with the patient initially."
Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."
Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."
Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead,
         having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"
Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and
         that was the cause of death."
Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to
         examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"
Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him
         dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is
         in a jar over at the county morgue.  As for the rest of the
         patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 09:38:39 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! <adult>

                      Coffee,tea or me?
                             or
                    Want fries with that?


+ Red lights, open doors


BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp plan to
hold an open day today in an attempt to break down barriers with the public
and prove the red light district is safe.

"Prostitutes will offer coffee and other drinks," a spokesman told BRTN
radio.  He said bands and acrobats would perform during the day, and give
people a chance to "see the rooms where it all happens."

 "We want to show what's really going on here, that it's not a crime-ridden
area," the spokesman said.

 City authorities have threatened to ban prostitution in part of the
"Skippers quarter" near the river Scheldt. An earlier attempt to close down
part of the district failed after a similar open day event in 1993
attracted international media attention.


Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle News Services

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 11:56:58 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Bad Luck

A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.  When he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You
know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me.  When my business fell,you were
there.  When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you gave me support.  When my health started failing, you were  still by
my side.  When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 12:29:26 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Mildly suggestive

Heard on Garrison Keillor's _Prairie Home Companion_ radio show, 17 May 1997:

Bill Richardson, Canadian poet, read one of his comic poems and introduced
it be explaining that it was about his favorite vacuum cleaner attachment,
the crevice tool.  He went on to explain that he especially liked the name
of this attachment because the manufacturers were able to call it that and
get away with it!

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Date:    Sat, 24 May 1997 19:11:27 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: blind joke(may be offensive to blind people and dogs)

Two fellows were out walking their dogs, when they got thirsty and decided to
stop in a local pub for a drink.  However, one of them noticed a sign in the
window "NO DOGS!"
One guy says, "Watch me."
He walks in the bar and the bouncer says, "Can't you read the sign.  No dogs
are allowed."
The guy says, "This is my seeing eye dog.  I'm blind."
The bouncer lets him stay.
The 2nd guy, feeling gutsy, also walks in the bar with his dog.
The bouncer says, "What are you doing in here with a dog.  Dogs aren't
allowed."
To which the guy replies, "This is my seeing eye dog.  I'm Blind."
"Bullshit" says the bouncer.  "That's no seeing eye dog.  That's a
chihuahua!"
"What!!!!!!!!They gave me a chihuahua?!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Date:    Sun, 25 May 1997 11:12:28 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: English,The Language

  A sardarji, his wife, and son, after spending a hectic trip to
  South are returning back home by train.
  On the way, they fall asleep; the sardar on the lower birth, his
  wife on the middle, and the son, on the upper one.
  In one of the stations, the son gets up and wakes up his father
  asking for an ice-cream. Both get out
  and after buying him, they return to the compartment, only to find
  a stranger occupying the upper birth, and snoring peacefully.
  Sardar is frustrated, after repeatedly trying to get rid of the
  man.
  He finally calls the TTE, to his aid and in his
  best English,  explains his plight to him,
  "An unknown person lying on top of my wife, not giving birth to my son"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 May 1997 to 25 May 1997
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