HUMOR Digest - 23 May 1997 to 24 May 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 606 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Fairer Sex <some adult humor>
  2. Top5 - 5/23/97 - Signs It's Time to Flee Your Country
  3. Medieval English, Part 2 <clean>
  4. Friendly adivce
  5. Criminal Stupidity (clean)
  6. The Gravy Ladle (Theme: priestly promiscuity)
  7. Chicago vs Miami (non-offensive)
  8. Economist jokes <old but not offensive>
  9. The drunken priest (poss. off to christians)
 10. ONE MORE Economist jokes <old but not offensive>
 11. Cool Stuff Around the U.S.A. part 2
 12. Bar Room Jokes  <adult themes, sex>
 13. HUMOR- crude
 14. A Question of Faith <not offensive>
 15. English finesse (suggestive)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 02:23:20 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Fairer Sex <some adult humor>

*   All this physical fitness stuff has even invaded what used to be
  called "girl talk".  I overheard two young ladies at lunch the other
  day discussing their previous weekend dates.
    "It was heavenly," said the first. "He was a long distance runner,
  he tried to lap me at the halfway point, but then he still had plenty
  of kick left, and we finished in a dead heat."
    "You were lucky," replied the second, "Mine was a sprinter and he
  was in the shower before I even got out of the blocks."
                                - - - - -

*    The headmistress of a girls' boarding school was abruptly awakened
  one nite by one of her students.
    "Miz Forbes, Miz Forbes," she cried, "I've done a very foolish
  thing and let my boyfriend 'go all the way'."
    "Now be calm, Melissa," the headmistress told her firmly.  "The first
  thing you must do is go to the kitchen and eat a half a lemon."
    "Half a lemon ?" asked the surprised student.  "And that will keep
  me from getting pregnant ?"
    "Actually no, dear," admitted the headmistress, "but at least, it will
  get rid of that silly grin."
                                - - - - -

*   The two well dressed coeds were strolling along the avenue one nite
  when they noticed what seemed to be two Ivy League students following.
    "Aren't they out after hours ?"  one observed, as she looked for a
  second time at the well dressed young men.
     "I certainly hope so." replied the other.
                                - - - - -

* During a sudden and prolonged cold spell in North Dakota this past
  winter, a really stacked blonde stopped in to see her former Chemistry
  Professor.  "Professor, I wonder if you could tell me... er... well...
  that is... I mean the exact temperature at which silicone freezes ?"


------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 05:57:12 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/23/97 - Signs It's Time to Flee Your Country

       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                   30% Recycled Post Consumer
================================================================
                          May 23, 1997

        The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Flee Your Country

16> For your birthday, everyone gets you the same present: a
    monogrammed blindfold and a cigarette.

15> Al Cowlings pulls up in your Bronco with your passport and
    fake beard.

14> Posted Holiday Inn rates in capital city:  One night, $49.00;
    two nights, $98.00; from now until the Right Hand of Death
    rains fire and destruction on this hellhole of deceit and ends
    your pathetic life in the bloodiest of coups, $147.00.

13> The new flag?  Your face with a big red slash across it.

12> After the bullet grazes your forehead, you realize this "Banana
    Republic photo shoot" is not what you expected.

11> Life insurance company informs you that "death by firing squad"
    and "mob lynching" now fall under their Act of God exclusions.

10> International press starts saying "brutal dictator" like it's a
    bad thing.

 9> You see the writing on the wall.  In fact, it's on every wall
    in the capital.

 8> The Palace Guards' new salute employs only one finger.

 7> That flaming tire hanging from your neck is starting to chafe.

 6> National Deficit: 24 billion.   Wife's shoe bill: 24 billion.

 5> Two words: President Limbaugh.

 4> The guy who tastes your food has hired a guy to taste his food.

 3> In recent election: 3 votes for you to remain in power;
    21,459,216 votes to cover your remains with ox manure.

 2> Your only hope for victory?  The French Army.

and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Flee Your Country...

 1> Simply can't rely on that goober husband of yours to come
    through with a presidential pardon.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 12:27:36 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Medieval English, Part 2 <clean>

DOUBLE MONASTERY:
Modern: A place where monks lead a double life and worship two Gods.
Medieval: Combined monastery for men and women but sexually separated.
Ruled by either an Abbot or Abbess.

ESCHEAT:
Modern: To be a crook, in Spanish (e.g., Manuel es un cheat).
Medieval: The right of a feudal lord to the return of lands held by his
vassal, or the holding of a serf, should either die with out lawful heirs
or suffer outlawry.

FITZ:
Modern: Something that goes with gin.
Medieval: An Anglo-Norman prefix meaning son.

FORMARRIAGE:
Modern: To be in favour of marriage. (Well, you know, De Gustibus...)
Medieval: The sum commonly paid by a serf to his lord when the serf's
daughter marries a man from another manor.

FRANK PLEDGE:
Modern: A solemn promise, made by someone called Frank.
Medieval The legal condition under which each male member of a tithing
(district) over the age of twelve is responsible for the good
conduct of all other members of the tithing.

HERIOT:
Modern: A Macho disturbance.
Medieval: A payment which a feudal lord may claim from the possessions of
a dead serf or other tenant, essentially a death tax. There are various
forms of heriot. Generally, if a tenant dies in battle the heriot is
forgiven.

HIDE:
Modern: The skin of an animal. Also, the evil alter ego of Dr. Jekill.
Medieval: A unit of measurement for assessment of tax, theoretically 120 acres,
although it may vary between 60 and 240 acres. It is by custom the land
that can be cultivated by one eight ox plough in one year.

More...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 10:31:04 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Friendly adivce

Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I
thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer
efficiently with the Internet.

Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form
of electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full
professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they
are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can
be used to your advantage.

For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to
the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net, the
process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and modem
BELOW your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other
hand, when you upload a file to the net, hold your computer, hard drive,
and modem ABOVE your telephone jack, thus combining uploading with a
brisk cardiovascular workout. If your phone jack is at floor level, have
it raised or your downloading will always be slow.

You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes
a real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways.
First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage
device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all retained files to
3 point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and hence, fewer
electrons and less weight will be on your hard drive.

The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and
uploads so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for
small imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you
should immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to
do this is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish
which you can transmit so a friend or news group chosen at random.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 07:11:36 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Criminal Stupidity (clean)

It has become commonplace to read in our newspapers of a crime somewhere in
America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.  Droll though these
news items may be, they reflect an overlooked cost of our current national
crisis in education.  The basic learning skills of criminals have
deteriorated to a shocking degree.

Consider the following:

o   A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note:
"Watch out.  This is a rubbery.  I hav an oozy traned on your but.  Dump
the in a sack, this one.  No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you
a new naval.  No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk
of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the
rule.  "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems
with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned.

     Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to plan before writing.  "We have to stress
organization:  Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it,"
he said.  "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the
make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one
loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

o   In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a
photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family.  Bohnke was seen holding up
a newspaper.  It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent
headline relating to Nixon's trip to China.
     This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call.
They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper.
 Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture.  When this, too, was
refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be
sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding
different issues of _Success_ magazine.
     They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.
They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle
involved in the photograph/newspaper concept.  "We thought it was just some
kind of tradition," said one.  Educators agree that such mix-ups point to
poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and
failure to complete work in the time allotted.

o   Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a
Lazer Tag gun.

o Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by
crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their
only means of escape.

o Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard dogs, a
stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after having
failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the premises.

     "No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays and
relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J.
Paine Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality.  "We are
talking plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys."
     By contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points
higher than their American counterparts in basic skills tests.  In the
Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to execute a
thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime.
     Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total overhaul
of the educational system.  "For all their acumen," he says, "Japanese
criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre you see in our guys."

(courtesy of Dean's Humor List - http://www.morstad.org/humor)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 07:28:46 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: The Gravy Ladle (Theme: priestly promiscuity)

forwarded from REHU-L

 In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
 rectory.  That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.  One
 day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner
 at the rectory.  While being served, the young pastor noticed how
 shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he
 wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.

 After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young
 priest  that everything was purely professional...that she was the
 housekeeper  and cook and that was that.  About a week later the
 housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new
 assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
 silver gravy ladle.

 You don't suppose he took it, do you?"  The Pastor said, " Well, I
 doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear
 Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying
 you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has
 been missing since you were here for dinner."

 The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as
 follows:  "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
 the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the
 housekeeper.  But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed
 you would find the gravy ladle."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 08:59:22 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Chicago vs Miami (non-offensive)

With the Eastern Conference Finals in the NBA (National Basketball
Association) in full stride and the Miami Heat down to the defending
World Champion Chicago Bulls by two games to none, the Miami Herald ran
a contest to see who could come up with the best reasons why South
Florida was "better" than Chicago.  The top ten (Miami Herald's opinion)
are listed below.....

        The Top Ten Reasons South Florida is Better Than Chicago

10.  Our wind chill is not a factor
 9.  Stone crabs vs. pizza
 8.  We have the ocean, they have the lake
 7.  Fresh fish vs frozen fish
 6.  Two words:  Chicago Cubs
 5.  Spanglish
 4.  Location, location, location
 3.  Cafe Cubano
 2.  We pay $110 million to a player who can't make free throws (Alonzo
         Mourning)

     and the number one reason why South Florida is better than Chicago

 1.  Our cross-dressers have better fashion sense!

For our foreign friends, Dennis Rodman, designated "offensive tackle"
for the Bulls and a member of the World Wide Wrestling Federation,
routinely dyes his hair a variety of colors (gold, red, blue) and cross
dresses.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 09:55:03 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Economist jokes <old but not offensive>

Q: Why can't the economist who fell down the well get out?
A: He can't develop a plan that doesn't assume a ladder.

A professor of economics and one of his students are walking across campus
when the student spots a $20 bill lying on the ground and points it out to
the professor.  "It can't be," says the professor, "or someone would have
picked it up."

--from _The Economist_

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 07:05:55 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: The drunken priest (poss. off to christians)

Found this on the net somewhere:

A novice priest taking his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the service he asked the monsignor how he had done. "When I'm worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit", the monsignor   replied, "I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the novice took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, then delivered what he thought was the
sermon of his life. On returning to his office after mass, though, he found a
note from the monsignor on his door. "When taking sermons", it read, "try to
bear the following in mind;

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. We do not refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as Daddy,
     Junior,  and Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
     say he  was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
      this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
      thanks for the grup, yeah God"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
      Peter's,  not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 10:44:34 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: ONE MORE Economist jokes <old but not offensive>

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used
the same tests for the past 35 years.  "Don't you realize, professor, that
the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of
your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?"

"Doesn't matter," replied the professor, "I just keep changing the
ANSWERS."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 11:57:09 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cool Stuff Around the U.S.A. part 2

Don't book that summer vacation until you read these:

The watermelon seed spitting championship is an annual event in Pardeeville,
Wisconsin, on September 12th.

Seymour, Wisconsin, calls itself the Home of the Hamburger and celebrates
this every year on August 1st.

Whistling underwater is illegal is Vermont.

The Live Turkey Olympics takes place on November 22, in Preston City,
Connecticut.

It's the annual Big Whopper's Liars Contest on September 19, in New Harmony,
Indiana.

In Lexington, Kentucky, it's against the law to carry an ice cream cone in
your pocket.

There's a chicken clucking contest that takes place in Baltimore, Maryland,
every June 24th.

The Sandwich Islands in Hawaii are the only part of the United States to ever
be considered a Kingdom.

It's against the law to drive a motorboat on the street in Brewton, Alabama.

Source:  "Bizarre Facts & Radical Earthlings"
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 15:53:55 -0000
From:    Keith Bissett <keith@CYBERJUNKIE.COM>
Subject: Bar Room Jokes  <adult themes, sex>

			@--------1----------@

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think my wife's been dead for
two weeks."
"Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out?"
"Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!"

			@--------2----------@

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him
they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till
she gets the hang of it."

			@--------3----------@

A man walks into a pub and notices a horse sitting in the corner. The man
asks the barman as to its purpose. The barman says "Well you see, for five
pounds you can have a go at making the horse laugh - and if you do you will
collect the fund which is currently at #2,000"- as no-one had ever won the
prize. The man thinks about the proposition and has a go. He walks up to
the horse and whispers something in its ear. At that moment the horse
bursts out laughing and collapses to the ground still laughing. The man
walks up to the barman, collects the fund and leaves.
Sometime later in the year the man returns to the bar and again the same
horse is in the corner. "What do I have to do now?" The barman says " Well
its not so easy this time. You have to make the horse cry and you will
collect the fund of #3,000." So the man pays his #5 fee and walks up to the
horse - seconds later the horse bursts out crying.
The man goes up to the bar to collect his money so the barman asks him
how he had managed to make the horse laugh and cry. The man said " Well the
first time I told the horse that my dick was bigger than his - the second
time I showed him!"

			@--------4----------@

"What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school
tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can
describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism
because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she
controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works
for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby
brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said,
"Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken
up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty
diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his
father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw
a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door,
he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because
he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed. The next
morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I
understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered,
"What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I
learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound
asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

(Mostly taken from FHM)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 11:52:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR- crude

        -Q: Why do firemen have bigger balls than do policemen?

        -A: Because they sell more tickets!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 16:06:55 -0400
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: A Question of Faith <not offensive>

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see
his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost
 me a fortune to educate him.  Then he tells me last week he has decided to
 be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my
boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then
one  day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 16:16:49 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: English finesse (suggestive)

From: richard@peaks.ENET.dec.com c/o the BLAGUES-L
(http://VentDeLaitue.home.ml.org)

An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The
husband wanted the funeral there, and needed to buy a black
hat for the funeral. He mistook the word "chapeau" and went
in search instead for a "capote" [condom].

Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the
chemist's shop, where he asked for a capote noire.

L'homme behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire?
Monsieur, nous avons des capotes jaune, et capotes rouge,
mais...capotes noire...nous n'en avons pas. Pourquoi
voudriez-vous une capote noire?"

The poor widower replied, "C'est pour ma femme. Elle est
morte."

"Ah" replied the shop man, "les Anglais...quelle finesse!"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 May 1997 to 24 May 1997
************************************************
