HUMOR Digest - 22 May 1997 to 23 May 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 835 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Keeping The Faith
  2. Riddle (sexual)
  3. Medieval English <clean>
  4. alien abductions?
  5. Memo: To all university hospital staff
  6. Spanish Language joke.  Sexual Theme
  7. flatulence, men's and women's private parts
  8. Real Headlines (clean)
  9. FOREIGN SIGNS <mostly clean, some implicit>
 10. Darwin Award Candidate (May be offensive to smokers)
 11. mini-AIR May 97 -- Fink Truss, Neandertalia, Wombat 2000, e
 12. Designated Driver?
 13. Humor - Winston Churchill One Liner <earthy>
 14. Lawyers(off. to lawyers, some off. language)
 15. The Plane Ride <May be off. to blacks & whites>
 16. Cool Stuff Around the U.S.A. <clean>
 17. More Wonders Of The English Language <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 02:22:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Keeping The Faith

* I wish to submit for your approval a new definition for the word
  "morality".  From what I see, it's that instinctive sense of right
  and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.
                                - - - - -

*   Several members of the Christian Right had approached a 90-year-old
  in order for him to sign a testimonial that his longevity was due to
  clean living.  The old gentleman was in the process of reviewing the
  document, when sounds of a riotous party came from an adjacent room.
    "Oh my Lord," said the one of the visitors, "Whatever is all that
  noise and laughing ?"
    "I'm sorry," replied the embarrassed man, "Pay no attention.  That's
  just Dad getting drunk with the girls from the topless casino again."
                                - - - - -

*   A visiting Bishop had addressed the Columbia BusinessMan's Club and
  the event was covered by the press. After his speech, he asked that the
  reporters omit any reference to his stories, since he wanted to repeat
  them that nite at the Chamber of Commerce meeting.
    The "Columbia Flier" duly mentioned the event, and closed with "and
  he told a number of stories that cannot be published."
                                - - - - -

*   Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his
  own thoughts.  Finally one said, "What do you think about all this
  devil business we studied today ?"
    The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well you know how Santa Claus
  turned out.  This is probably just your Dad too."
                                - - - - -

*   At the fashionable church in Columbia, after a week of hot weather,
  the air conditioning failed to perform for the Sunday service.  The
  Pastor assured the worshipers that there would be an abbreviated
  sermon.  True to his word, he stood up, looked around at the sweating
  faces saying: "If you think it's hot here -- just wait !" & sat down.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 08:08:42 GMT
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Riddle (sexual)

Q: What are the 70 things women love most?

A: 69 and shopping

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 12:33:32 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Medieval English <clean>

The English language has considerably changed over the centuries.
Many words are not used any longer, whilst others have changed
meaning. What follows is my perception of some of these words
in today's language, followed by the actual meaning in Medieval
English.  Here we go:

ADULTERINE CASTLE:
Modern: A slutty stone building.
Medieval: A castle build without a persons' liege lord's approval.

ASSART:
Modern: Aesthetic representation of backsides.
Medieval: To turn woodlands into pasture or cropland. To assart lands within
a forest without license is a grave offence.

ASSIZE:
Modern: (v.) To gauge the magnitude of somebody's backside.
Medieval: The meeting of feudal vassals with the king it also refers to
decrees issued by the king after such meetings.

BANALITIES:
Modern: Something lacking originality.
Medieval: Fees which a feudal lord imposes on his serfs for the use of
his mill, oven, wine press, or similar facilities. It some times includes
part of a fish catch or the proceeds from a rabbit warren.

BARBER-SURGEON:
Modern: A hairdresser who (illegally) performs surgery.
Medieval: Monastic who shaves faces/heads and performs light surgery.

BURGESS:
Modern: A female hamburger.
Medieval: The holder of land or house within a borough.

CARDINAL VIRTUES:
Modern: Money, Brains, Looks, Money.
Medieval: Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude and Justice.

CRUSADE:
Modern: A vigorous and dedicated action in favour of a cause.
Medieval: An exercise in Burning, Killing, Raping & Pillaging that took
place in Palestine.

There's more...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 04:04:32 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: alien abductions?

[from the wonderful mini-AIR (Annuals of Improbable Research), May 97]

1997-05-05      Scientific Correctness: Cosmic Kidnapping Results

Last month our ongoing Scientific Correctness Survey posed the
question: Are citizens of earth being kidnapped by aliens from
outer space? Here are the survey results, as summarized by
invetigator N. Bourbaki.

FOR AND AGAINST: 33% of the voters affirmed that citizens of the
Earth ARE being kidnapped by aliens from outer space, while 37%
denied the possibility. The remaining respondents were concerned
with a number of peripheral issues. These included:
        "the meaning of the word kidnapping";
        "the meaning of the word alien"; and
        "Lyle Lovett"
One respondent suggested that a better term than "kidnapping"
would be "poaching." Another preferred the phrase "unsolicited
biological experimentation aboard a mobile facility."  The legal
and economic ramifications of alien abduction also were of concern
to many people (more on that another time, perhaps).

JUSTIFIED ALIENS: A number of voters felt the aliens are
completely justified in their endeavors because the United States
government has been incarcerating and experimenting on aliens for
years. (No other governments were credited with comparable
undertakings, no pun intended.) One voter placed the blame for all
kidnappings on the shoulders of a particular Harvard faculty
member, while a second blamed the Swedish secret service. Two home
pages were mentioned, neither of which we checked out:
        www.mk.net/~mcf/lammer1.htm and
        www.mk.net/~mcf/handout.htm

WHO'S GOING: A number of voters raised the question of WHO is
being abducted. The significance of the "alarming frequency with
which they are being sent back" was also raised. Several voters
said that people were being kidnapped "not in adequate
quantities." If you would like to suggest that some specific
person be abducted, please send the name to <bourbaki@neu.edu>. We
will try to arrange travel discounts provided that a Saturday
night stay is included.

THE EDUCATION QUESTION: Our supplemental question asked: "Should
we require that schoolchildren be taught to protect themselves
against extraterrestrial abductors?" 28% of the respondents said
yes and 35% said no. (Why a whopping 37% don't care is anyone's
guess.) Of the 37% who denied that abductions occur, a full 40%
still felt that children should be educated to handle such an
event. Two different respondents (whom we assume do not know each
other) compared this learning experience to their own experiences
as schoolchildren when they were taught what to do in case of an
atomic bomb explosion.

THE EDUCATION ANSWER: Of the 33% who voted that alien abduction
does occur, only 30% felt that school children should be tught
appropriate defensive tactics. This was explained by one reader
who, realizing that "any such aliens possess superior scientific
knowledge" and are "clearly performing experiments to advance
scientific understanding", concludes that any attempt to educate
the children "would tend to invalidate the experimental results
and should be discouraged."  Alternate justifications for not
educating our children were: "Once captured, there is a finite
chance that the aliens might keep them"; "Let's bring back naked
Darwinism"; and "it just might raise SAT scores." One
correspondent simply felt our teachers are not up to the job.

THE ESSENTIAL THING: Finally, one correspondent specified what the
children *should* be taught -- namely, to "recognize the
difference between a Grey and a Ross Perot."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 10:10:36 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Memo: To all university hospital staff

 To: All university hospital nursing staff.
 From: Administration/Groundskeeping
 Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
 Date: May 21,1997.

 Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
 Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
 ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
 addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
 patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
 for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
 monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
 duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
 security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
 Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
 to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
 Subway, KFC, Dominos,etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will
 be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other
 calls the patients may wish to make.

 Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued
 to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
 exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients
 may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for
 special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
 As you can see on the "From" line above, administration is assuming
 groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
 his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
 sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker,etc..
 Engineering is being eliminated. This hospital has subscribed to the
 Time-Life "HOW TO..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
 checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment
 on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one
 volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
 if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
 you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
 Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomodated by only performing
 blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
 Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per
 patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by
 Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and
 physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
 they want extra copies. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for
 one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
 coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

 In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures forecast, T.U.Electric
 has been asked to install individual meters in each patient's room,
 office,etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and
 appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
 hospital gift shop.

 In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
 of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor, Families,
 patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute
 discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
 pharmacy for nosocomical production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
 will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and
 will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's
 formulary.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 10:40:47 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Spanish Language joke.  Sexual Theme

        -Mama, estoy embarazada.
        -Pero hija, como ha podido ocurrir eso. Que te dije yo acerca del
         sexo?
        -Que tomase medidas, y eso he hecho, tome medidas y me quede con
         la mas grande.


        "Mom, I'm pregnant."
        "How can that be?  What did I tell you about sex?
        "That I should take measures.  That's what I did!  I took measures
         and then went with the biggest."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 09:44:08 CST6CDT
From:    John Olack <john@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: flatulence, men's and women's private parts

forwarded from a buddy...


 Q: What does the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in
    common?
 A: They can both smell it but can't eat it!

 Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
 A: Some dick cut her off.

 Q: Do you know why women can't fart?
 A: Because they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up
    pressure!
  
 They discovered a new food that stops women from wanting sex ---
 wedding cake.

 Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried
    Chicken?
 A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
    all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 12:01:33 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Real Headlines (clean)

(sent to me by Justin Davey)
----------

The following appeared in New Scientist, 5 October 1996:
Headlines, as any experienced journalist will tell you, are an art form.
They should draw you into reading the article, while telling you something
about the story.  The following headlines, which all appeared in the US in
1995, demonstrate a "firm grasp of the obvious". Aspiring journalists
everywhere should learn from them as models of the headline writer's art.

     "Study finds sex, pregnancy link", Cornell Daily Sun, Dec.
     "Whatever their motives, moms who kill kids still shock us", Holland
Sentinel
     "Survey finds dirtier subways after cleaning jobs were cut", The New
York Times, 22 Nov.
     "Larger kangaroos leap farther, researchers find", The Los Angeles
Times, 2 Nov.
     "Light meals are lower in fat, calories", Huntington Herald-Dispatch,
30 Nov.
     "Alcohol ads promote drinking", The Hartford Courant, 18 Nov.
     "Malls try to attract shoppers", The Baltimore Sun, 22 Oct.
     "Official: only rain will cure drought", The Herlad-News, Westport,
MA, 4 Sep.
     "Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men", The Sunday
Oregonian, 24 Sep.
     "Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes", The Daily Progress,
Charlottesville, VA, 30 Mar.
     "Dirty-air cities far deadlier than clean ones, study shows", The New
York Times, 10 Mar.
     "Man run over by freight train dies", The Los Angeles Times, 2 Mar.
     "Economist uses theory to explain economy", Collinsville
Herald-Journal, 8 Feb.
     "Court rules boxer shorts are indeed underwear", Journal of Commerce,
20 Apr.
     "Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person", The Daily Gazette
of Schenectady, NY, 2 May
     "Lack of brains hinders research", The Columbus Dispatch, 16 Apr.
     "How we feel about ourselves is the core of our self-esteem, says
author", Sunday Camera, Boulder, CO, 5 Feb.
     "Fish lurk in streams", Democrat & Chronicle, Rochester, NY, 29 Jan.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 21:17:00 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: FOREIGN SIGNS <mostly clean, some implicit>


  A series of REAL notices spotted around the world and written by...
  well let's just say "people whose first language is not English".

   In a Tokyo Hotel:
           Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not
           a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

   In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
           The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time
           we regret that you will be unbearable.

   In a Leipzig elevator:
           Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

   In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
           To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the
           cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
           number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
           alphabetically by national order.

   In a Paris hotel elevator:
           Please leave your values at the front desk.

   In a hotel in Athens:
           Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
           hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

   In a Yugoslavian hotel:
           The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
           chambermaid.

   In a Japanese hotel:
           You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

   In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox
   monastery:
           You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
           and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
           except Thursday.

   In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
           Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose
           in the boots of ascension.

   On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
           Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

   On the menu of a Polish hotel:
           Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
           dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
           beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

   Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
           Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

   In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
           Drop your trousers here for best results.

   Outside a Paris dress shop:
           Dresses for street walking.

   In a Rhodes tailor shop:
           Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
           customers in strict rotation.

   From the Soviet Weekly:
           There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
           Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
           the past two years.

   A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
           It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
           that people of different gender, for instance, men and women,
           live together in one tent unless they are married with each
           other for that purpose.

   In a Zurich hotel:
           Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
           opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
           lobby be used for this purpose.

   In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
           Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

   In a Rome laundry:
           Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
           having a good time.

   In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
           Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
           miscarriages.

   In a Swiss mountain inn:
           Special today -- no ice cream.

   In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
           We take your bags and send them in all directions.

   On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
           If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
           it.

   In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
           Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

   In a Budapest zoo:
           Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
           food, give it to the guard on duty.

   In the office of a Roman doctor:
           Specialist in women and other diseases.

   In an Acapulco hotel:
           The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

   In a Tokyo shop:
           Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
           best in the long run.

   From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
   conditioner:
           Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
           your room, please control yourself.

   From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
           When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
           Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
           your passage then tootle him with vigor.

   Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
           - English well speaking
           - Here speeching American.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 13:20:27 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Darwin Award Candidate (May be offensive to smokers)

I closely follow the Darwin Awards each year.  This award is given to
the person who commits the dumbest act and, while committing that act,
eliminates himself from the gene pool, thereby stopping the propagation
of his/her cells (and presumedly thought process) to the next
generation.  This award is normally given posthumously!

I've seen the story about the guy who bolted the solid fuel rocket
to his car (he was picked out of rock outcropping some 35 feet above
the surface of the road and it was calculated that he was going about
350 mph when he hit the wall) and the story about the fellow who took
a "whiz" off the top of the high tension line tower in Connecticut
(can you say "urine is a great conductor of electricity" boys and
girls?) and have run across a candidate for submission.

I do not know where to send the submission, so I will post it to the
humor list in the hope that someone has "connections" and will see that
it gets to the people who make the awards.

In Gainsville, Florida, a throat-cancer patient has died after setting
himself on fire while trying to LIGHT A CIGAR!  He was unable to yell
for help because his smoking had cost him his vocal cords, his family
said.  "I don't ever want to witness anything like I witnessed this
morning," said the victim's sister.  "That will stay with me the rest
of my life.  He was a walking torch when I woke up."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 13:42:34 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: mini-AIR May 97 -- Fink Truss, Neandertalia, Wombat 2000, e

an excert from........

The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1997-05
May, 1997
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
----------------------------------------------------------------
A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
================================================================
1997-05-09  Fink Truss

This is International Fink Truss Day. Hoorah. A fink truss is a
symmetrical roof truss for large spans, composed of a pair of
braced isosceles triangles based on the sloping sides of the upper
chord, their apices being joined by a horizontal tie.

We urge you to support your local fink truss.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 13:56:50 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Designated Driver?

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.  At closing
time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his
keys on five different cars before he found his.  Then, he observed the
drunk sit in the front seat of his car fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes.  By now, everyone has left the bar and drove off. Finally,
the man started his engine and began to pull away.  The police officer was
waiting for him.  He stopped the driver, read him his rights and
administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."


--obtained from Maria Hudson

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 14:23:02 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Winston Churchill One Liner <earthy>

 The dead bird does not leave the nest.
          *Winston Churchill, on being advised that his fly was open.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 16:32:39 -0400
From:    Ben Taylor <WabashiMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lawyers(off. to lawyers, some off. language)

		(This is from a comedy list)

 What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
      A tick falls off of you when you die.

 Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
      To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
      service.

 What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
      Stick his bill up his ass.

 What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
      Not enough sand.

  What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
      A Doberman.

 Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
      If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
      cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

 What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
      One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They
 had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which
 side to spit on.

 Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

 A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
 walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
 along the  road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
 "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck
 driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would
 do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

 He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

 "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

 "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy
 priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
 the road.

 Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
 instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
 priest in the truck with  him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
 narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed
 the lawyer, he still heard a loud  "THUD". Not understanding where the
 noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything,
he
 turned to the priest and said,
 "I'm sorry Father. I  almost hit that lawyer."

 "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
			------------------------

 A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and
 behold, a genie appeared.

 "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one
 condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make,
 every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

 The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like
 ten million dollars," he announced.

 Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the
 man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has
 just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

 "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

 Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just
 recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

 "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for
 transplant."
			------------------------

 What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
 Lipstick.

 What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
 Skeet.

 What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
 Chelsea.

 If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
 It might be your bicycle.
			------------------------

 Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
 down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
 bill. Who gets it?

 The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
			------------------------

 It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer
 with his hands in his own pockets.
			------------------------

 A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
 "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
 steep?" asked the man.  "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
 third question?"
			------------------------

 A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
 time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
 capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

 After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck
 up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
 "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
 brains out."

 But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
 Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
 Ranger's message. The  terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
 loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

 "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

 The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot
me.'"
			------------------------

 For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn.
 The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

 Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
 stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant
 on her lap!

 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

 "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby
 would have my name!"

 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
 all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a
 bastard in the family  than a lawyer."
			------------------------

 You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have
 a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

 Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 18:45:51 -0400
From:    Jacqueline C Grant <jgrant@HEJIRA.HUNTER.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: The Plane Ride <May be off. to blacks & whites>

Got this from a friend.

        An airplane was in the air with ten white men and one black man,
when it suddenly crashed into a mountain and the bottom half of the plane
got torn off.  The passengers were left hanging on to the over-head
compartments.  Then, the pilot said on the intercom, that the plane was
unbalanced, and that one person had to get off.  The white men conferred
amongst themselves, and decided that the black man should be the one to
get off.  When they told him, he agreed but said only if they all gave
him a round of applause first.  :-)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 21:39:27 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cool Stuff Around the U.S.A. <clean>

If you are planning your vacation, here are some "fun" events you may want to
consider, as well as some facts about places in our great country and some
laws you may need to be aware of:

In Centralia, Washington, it is illegal to shave between July 26 and August
12.

In Idaho, it is illegal to give someone a box of chocolates which weighs over
50 pounds.

The longest basketball game ever played was in Sandy, Utah, at the South
Towne Mall in 1988.  It was 120 hours long.

In Alaska, it's against the law to look at a moose from a flying vehicle.

Each year a King and Queen of Hobos are named at the National Hobo Convention
on August 7, in Britt, Iowa.

The Ugly Pick-Up Truck Parade takes place on October 30, in Chadron,
Nebraska.

The annual hog calling contest takes place in Weatherford, Oklahoma, on
February 28, each year.

The World's Greatest Lizard Race takes place in Lovington, New Mexico, on
July 4.

A Pizza Expo is held in Las Vegas, Nevada each year on July 11.

Source:  "Bizarre Facts & Radical Earthlings"
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 May 1997 09:30:37 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: More Wonders Of The English Language <adult>

   A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York
   City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that
   the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

   She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the
   men replied,  "We all berry hungry"!
   She responds, "But why are you whacking off?"

   One of the three says, "Because menu say "first come, first served!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 May 1997 to 23 May 1997
************************************************
