HUMOR Digest - 21 May 1997 to 22 May 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Misc Humor <adult>
  2. $250.00 Cookie Recipe FREE!
  3. Creative Insults <clean>
  4. Victoria (clean)
  5. Doin' Laundry <nonoffensive sexual content>
  6. Shipwrecked (innuendo)
  7. Not offensive, just funny
  8. subscription
  9. funny stories from Ovi
 10. But I couldn't Find the Grape ... < may offend bimbos, lawyers>
 11. How many times a week would you like to have sex?
 12. Tourist Humor
 13. The Wonders Of The English Language <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 02:40:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Misc Humor <adult>

* This has gotta be the tax story to end all tax stories.  It seems a
  group of studs got together and demanded that the IRS allow them to
  deduct depreciation on the "tools of their trade."  The IRS however
  denied the concept though due to the "inflationary nature" of their
  "equipment".
                                - - - - -

* Not sure how many of you are into Cyber Romances either by e-mail or
  chat, but this one couple I know really got a hot romance going.  They
  finally agreed to meet.  He told her that she'd better have a mattress
  strapped to her back if she was going to meet him at the airport.  She
  agreed, but told him that he'd better be the first one off the plane.
                                - - - - -

* I'm for watching the diet these days as much as the next guy.  But the
  Yuppies have gone too far this time.  I understand that they're now
  insisting that their women all use only a zero fat/zero cholesterol
  feminine-hygiene spray.
                                - - - - -

*   One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken
  driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police.
    "Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly
  read the print out and entered the data in an arrest record.
    "Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied.  "Chateau
  Duvalier...  1962...  rather thin...  not aged well at all."
                                - - - - -

*   The streetwalker got into a cab and at her destination, hiked up her
  skirt and asked "How about taking the fare out in trade ?"
     "Scheesch Lady !" exclaimed the cabby, "Haven't ya got anything
  smaller ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 08:18:13 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: $250.00 Cookie Recipe FREE!

I am told that this is true. I thought the irony was very funny and wanted
to share it with the group. I do not know who wrote it, it however came
form a chocolate lover news/discussion group.
___________________________________________________________________
Warning: offensive to Neiman-Marcus.
Here is a story forwarded to me about corporate greed.

THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT  AND ENJOY THE IRONY

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in
Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such
cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". {EDITORIAL
COMMENT: Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States}.
It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and
the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not."
     Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?  With a cute smile,
she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty,
it's a great deal!"  I said with approval, just add it to my tab.
     Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus
and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent
$9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf.  As I glanced at the
bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00. "That's
outrageous!!
     I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said
it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty
dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Nieman-Marcus
refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to
them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already
seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this
point. "I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in
Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the
State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told,
"Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your
money.
   "I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any
of my money back." I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now
I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun."  I told her that I was going to
see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail
account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free.
    She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you
should have thought of that before you ripped me off", and slammed down
the phone on her.
    So, here it is!!!  Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you
can possibly think of.  I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want
Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe....
     (Recipe may be halved.):
     2  cups butter
     4  cups flour    1 tsp. salt
     2  tsp. Soda    1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
     2  cups sugar   4 eggs
     5  cups blended oatmeal**  2 tsp. Baking powder
     24 oz. chocolate chips  2 tsp. vanilla
     2  cups brown sugar                    3 cups chopped nuts (your
choice)
  ** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
Cream the butter and both sugars.  Add eggs and vanilla; mix together
with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips,
Hershey Bar and nuts.  Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a
cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.  Makes 112 cookies.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 12:14:33 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Creative Insults <clean>

* He has so many things on his mind, there's no room for any brains.
* He doesn't have a better idea, just a louder voice.
* Other than the police, no one is really interested in him.
* His home is free of mice and cockroaches - they refuse to live in
    the same place as him.
* He's so dumb, the stork that brought him should have been arrested
    for smuggling dope.
* Hey blockhead, would you mind reaching into your head and getting me
    a handful of sawdust?
* Help reduce air pollution - stop breathing!
* Want to improve your looks? Wear a mask!
* Leave your brain to science. Maybe they can find a cure for it.
* You must have been a big surprise to your parents. They expected a boy
    or a girl.
* There all kinds of people in this world. Too bad you're not one of them.
* The last time I saw someone with a face like yours, I threw it a  fish.
* You have great head on your shoulders. Too bad it's not on your neck.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 14:05:43 +0200
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Victoria (clean)

I don't know the exact source. A friend sent it to me.
-----------
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train
stops at Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"You are joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do"
"Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the
door and lower you onto the platform"
"my god! will that work"
"Its worth a try"

The train approaches the platform at 50 mph
The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door,
The man starts running!
The man is running in mid air
"Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down.
The mans feet touch the platform!
Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off.
The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go
The man is running at 30mph!!
He's made it, he begins to slow down
He's still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers
watch in amazement
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar
and lifts him back onto the train.
As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say.....

"Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 09:14:55 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Doin' Laundry <nonoffensive sexual content>

As with most long-term couples, Mark and Mary have their own pet phrases for
everyday sayings.  For example, they call having sex "doing laundry."  One
night, Mark came home late from work and Mary was already in bed asleep.  He
attempted to wake her up and asked "Honey, how about doing a little
laundry?"  Mary grunted and told him she was too sleepy and to go away.  He
said, "You don't have to be awake and it won't take too long."  She ignored
him so he went and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.  As he was doing
this, Mary had been thinking in her half-awake stupor about the prospect of
having sex and began to get turned on.  When Mark climbed into bed, she
turned over and said, "Maybe we could fit a little laundry in, baby," to
which he replied, "Oh that's OK, sweetie.  It was a small load so I did it
by hand."

attributed to Mr. Linden

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 13:03:45 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Shipwrecked (innuendo)

This joke comes to me from a young female high school student in South
Africa.  Where she heard it, god only knows.
--------------------

     Richard had been ship-wrecked on a desert island for at least 3 years
with only the company of his faithful dog and a pig that had roamed into
his encampment.
     Now 3 years is a long time for a man to be without female company so,
as night times approached, Richard's eyes were attracted more and more
towards the pig. Then one night, when he thought the dog was fast asleep,
he stealthily crawled in the pig's direction. All at once the dog awoke and
gave a jealous growl and, gripping Richard by the pants, pulled him back to
his bed roll.
     As other evenings passed by, and the inclination grew stronger,
Richard tried to sneak his way across the emcampment but each time that he
attempted to move in that direction, he was met with a growl from the
jealous dog.
     One day his luck broke as he walked along the beach for he discovered
a scantily dressed young woman lying unconscious upon the sand, obviously
the victim of a sunken vessel. He decided to leave her where she lay until
she gained consciousness, but covered her with palm leaves to retain heat.
     After an hour she stirred, wriggled her bronzed young figure and
opening her lovely wide blue eyes, she noticed Richard.
     "You saved me, didn't you?" she asked, now standing upright.
     He nodded.
     "To show my appreciation, you can have anything you wish" she said,
shyly.
     "I can? WOW!" Richard was delighted and thumped the air with his fist.
     "What do you want?" said the shy beautiful girl.
     Richard again yelled, the sound deafening out the breaking waves. His
mouth opened as his imagination worked overtime. "Will you take the dog for
a walk?"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.


------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 15:12:42 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Not offensive, just funny

>From REHU-L
--------------------------------
This is supposed to be true but it's funny.

The other day we had a bomb scare here in Atlanta, GA.
Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to
investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the
local paper the next day, they had a picture of a
bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said:

I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN
IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING
TRY AND KEEP UP!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 15:18:51 CST6CDT5,M4.1.0,M10.5.0
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: subscription

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 18:10:20 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: funny stories from Ovi

>>>Dinner dispute turns ugly
Source: NT

PITTSBURGH (05-16) - A man promised his wife manicotti for
dinner but instead made spaghetti - and she was not happy
with the changed menu.
What was supposed to be a nice family dinner turned into
an ugly dispute when Michael Stefanowicz opted for the
'easier to make' spaghetti. "She called him lazy and he called
her a fat pig," said Lt. Gregory Tenos.
Mrs. Stefanowicz claims her husband hit her and she called
her brother to the rescue. James Shenkel, armed with a gun,
fired a bullet into the wall as he was trying to shoot Stefanowicz.
Shenkel is facing several criminal charges.


+++ FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. (NT, 05-16) - The family of Molly
Cohen, an amputee who was buried without her legs, received
$1.25 million in punitive and compensatory damages from a
funeral home guilty of losing the legs. Cohen's legs were
amputated in 1986 and were given to the funeral home for
safekeeping with the intention to be reburied with her when
she died. Cohen died in 1993 but the legs were missing.

+++ CHICAGO (AP, 05-19) Contributor: [Carjustice@aol.com] -
 A 55-year-old teacher was removed from classroom duties
pending an investigation after showing his fourth-grade computer
class students the R-rated movie "Striptease." The movie
features actress Demi Moore and contains nudity.

+++ KUWAIT (Reuters, 05-19) - An unusual rescue took place
after an Indian worker's penis was trapped in a metal bearing.
Authorities said the man was trying to have sex with the
'ring-shaped metal object.' "He was crying in pain when we
got to him," a rescue worker said.

+++ ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (Reuters, 05-12) - Six teenage
girls would rather be dead than being forced to marry their
elderly cousins. The girls shot, hanged or drowned themselves
to escape the "forced" traditional marriages.

+++ LAS VEGAS (AP, 05-19) Contributor: [Carjustice@aol.com]
- A woman who earns $1,000 a month was recently ordered to
pay over $10,000 in back child support to her millionaire
ex-husband. HE SAID: "I do not need the money to support
the children. I do think she needs to make some contribution
to their living. She brought them into the world. She has an
obligation to make payments." SHE SAID: "The irony of this
is that one of the reasons he got the children was that he was
better able to support them."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 20:14:28 -0400
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: But I couldn't Find the Grape ... < may offend bimbos, lawyers>

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is sueing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast
and got pregnant anyway.

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an
excellent chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we
not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a
vaginal gel will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of
noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we
waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help
our public relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked
and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she
has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the
spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because
they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.

"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why
can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for
the hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who
was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food
section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used
vaginally with a condom.

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days -
especially when you're sexually aroused?

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy
shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it
that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the
lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
said another attorney.

"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups,
the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal
action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 21:10:18 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: How many times a week would you like to have sex?

Pick a number 0 - 9.
Take that number and multiply by 2.
Add 5 to that number.
Multiply by 50
If you have had your birthday this year, add 1747 to the number, if not,
add 1746.
Subtract the year you were born - use 4 digits.
You should now have a three digit number.
The first number is the one you picked and the last two is your age.

(This will work with numbers above 9 for all you sex fiends out there).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 17:24:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Tourist Humor

Basic Pointers For Airline Travel (or, "How To Be Less Of An
Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While Traveling")

By Vince Sabio

HumourNet Communications, Ltd.  <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the
   overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control,
   then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of the CALL button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right
   into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish
   reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on
   typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily
   sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in
   First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all
   know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate
   a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the
   occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it
   necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.

11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but
    here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within
    the week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental
    deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at
    least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat
    directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If
    you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by
    sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting,
    then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock
    combination.(*) <g> And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep
    the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in
    your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or
    on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you
    started with.

Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All
Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Basic Pointers For Airline Travel," provided that the by-line (above)
and this copyright statement are included.

(*) Yes, I actually did this once -- and our Assistant Moderator can
verify it, as she was sitting next to me at the time.


---
E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 May 1997 09:18:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Wonders Of The English Language <clean>

  "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher.
  The small boy wrote:
  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
  "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked.
  "sure", said the young student confidently."Means carrying a child."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 May 1997 to 22 May 1997
************************************************
