HUMOR Digest - 20 May 1997 to 21 May 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 291 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Army <some adult humor>
  2. The Postman
  3. Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)
  4. Humor:The painter, clean
  5. African ethics
  6. Rabbi joke
  7. Animal trainers wanted<Adult >
  8. Prostitutes Vs Computer Consultants <adult>

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Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 02:15:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Army <some adult humor>

*   Most of the time Drill Sergeants are unflappable.  This one day
  though the tuff old-time Sergeant did pause a minute or two.  He
  asked one of the recruits, a wiry looking lil' guy if he was fit
  for hard labor.
    The guy didn't blink and said, "Well, some Judges thought so."
                                - - - - -

*   A farm boy was drafted.  On his first furlough, his Father asked
  him what he thought of Army life.
    "It's pretty good Dad.  The food's not bad, the work's easy but
  best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
                                - - - - -

* The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told
  that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was
  to mess with the men.  It wasn't until four weeks later that someone
  finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
                                - - - - -

*   During World War Two, a young airman safely landed his plane on
  an Aircraft Carrier in the Pacific just after dusk.  He jumped out
  of the cockpit and exclaimed, "Boy !  What a run !  I shot down three
  Zeros and sank a destroyer.
    "Ahhhh, velly good Yank," came the reply, "But you make one rittle
  mistrake."
                                - - - - -

* And then there's the Pentagon.  That's a building that has five sides to
  it -- on every matter.
                                - - - - -

* A potential draftee in the 60's was told to bring a urine sample to
  the medical office and report back for the results he next day.
  When he did, he was told "Your Father has diabetes, your girlfriend
  is pregnant, your dog is in heat, and you're in the Army."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 10:27:31 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The Postman

This happened during the family dinner:

- Daddy, is our postman a bad man?

- No son, he's not.

- Then why mommy is closing him in the closet every time you return home?

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Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 06:30:21 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)

-= 5/16/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
     -= Top Ten - Our Favorite Colorado Names =-
(apparently, these were really found in the CO phone book)

10. Mary Christmas
 9. Ronald McDonald
 8. Joe Colorado
 7. Gay Power
 6. Sky High
 5. Rikki Boner
 4. Brad Boink
 3. Harry Dix
 2. Dick Dix
 1. Dick Smoker
--------------------
-= 5/19/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
-= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Cannes Film Festival =-

10. "Oh no, Marlon Brando is headed to the nude beach!"
 9. "Actually, we americans don't know what Mr. Stallone is saying either"
 8. 'And now, a brand new category: Lamest volcano movie"
 7. "Je M'Appelle Butthead" *
 6. "I'm sorry, Mr. Stern, but room service does not deliver lesbians"
 5. "Uh-oh-- Jean-Calude Van Damme got drunk and kicked himself in the head"
 4. "I can't believe they gave a special jury award to that 'juice tiger'
     infomercial"
 3. "The prize for special achievement in gay cinema goes to "Batman and
     Robin'!"
 2. "Look, it's jabba the hutt!... No, it's just Roger Ebert"
 1. "Le'Booty Call'--C'est Magnifique!"

Source: http://www.webslingerz.net/

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 07:21:49 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:The painter, clean

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was
restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by
repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a
gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press
conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the
press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the
doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,
especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded,
"I said to myself   'Thank God,  I'm not a gynecologist.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 14:56:05 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: African ethics

The original legend:

An ant and a grasshopper live in the same field. During the summer the
ant works all day and night bringing in supplies for the winter and
he prepares his home to keep him warm during the cold winter months
ahead. Meanwhile the grasshopper hops and sings, eats all the grass
he wants and pancreases.

Come winter, the grass dies, it is bitterly cold.  The ant is well fed
and warm in his house, but the grasshopper has not prepared for the
winter, so he dies, leaving a whole hoard of little grasshoppers
without food or shelter.

The moral of the story is that one should work hard to ensure that
you can take care of yourself.

The African Version:
********************

The first part is the same, but because it happens in South Africa
there are a few complications. The starving, shivering offspring of
the grasshopper demand to know why the ant should be allowed to be
warm and well fed, while next door they are living in terrible
conditions without food or proper clothing. A TV crew shows up and
broadcasts footage of the poor grasshoppers, contrasting this with
footage of the ant, snug in his comfortable home with a pantry full
of food.

The public is stunned.  How can it be, in this beautiful field, that the
poor grasshoppers are allowed to suffer so, while the ant lives in the
lap of luxury. In the blink of an eye AGU (African Grasshopper Union)
is formed. They charge the ant with Aspecies bias and claim that
grasshoppers are the victim of 30 million years of green oppression.
They stage a protest in front of the ant's house and trash the
street. The TV crew interviews them, and they all state that if their
demands are not met they will be forced into a life of crime.

Just for practice, they loot the TV crew's luggage and hijack their van.
The TRC (Take and Redistribute Commission) justifies their behavior
by saying that this is the legacy of the ant's discrimination towards
the oppression of the grasshoppers.  They demand that the ant
apologizes to the grasshoppers for what he has done, and that he
makes amends for all the other ants in history who have done the same
thing to the grasshoppers.

PAGAD (People Against Grasshopper Abuse and Distress) state that
they are starting a holy war against ants. The president appears on the
Eight o'clock news and says that he will do everything he can for the
grasshoppers who have been denied the prosperity they deserve by
those who have benefited unfairly during the summer. The government
drafts up the EEGAD (Economic Equity for Greens and Disadvantaged)
act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to employ a proportionate number of green insects and having
nothing left to pay his back-taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government for redistribution. The story ends as we see the
grasshopper finishing off the last of the ant's food while the
government house he's in (which just happens to be the ant's old house)
crumbles around him because he does not know how to maintain it.
Showing on the TV (which he and a couple of his friends stole from
another ant) the president is standing before a group of wildly singing
and dancing grasshoppers announcing that a new era of Equality has
dawned on the field.

The ant, meanwhile is not allowed to work because he has historically
benefited from the field. In his place, ten grasshoppers only work two
hours a day and steal half of what they actually harvest. When winter
comes again and not enough food has been harvested, they strike and
demand a 150 percent increase in their wages so that they can buy
more food, which has now been imported because the grasshoppers
are not productive enough to produce enough food legally. The ant packs
his things and move to another field, where he starts a highly
successful food company and becomes a millionaire by selling food to
the field from where he came.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 17:26:11 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rabbi joke

The Rabbi of the local congregation took ill.  The president of the board
went to visit him at the hospital.  "Rabbi, I want you to know, the board
voted 10 to 2 that you should get well!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 20:50:44 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Animal trainers wanted<Adult >

Last time the circus came to town an ad for an amimal trainer was placed
in the local paper.  Only two applicants showed up, a male & female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose
the one with the best act.

At first glance it would appear that the female was much better prepared
as she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, a whip & chair.
 He showed up with a cigar.  She looked more like a model than trainer.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said Ladies
before Gentlemen.

The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music
started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.  She
motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaps into the cage snarling.  The young lady throws aside her
whip, flings back her cape and sits on the chair as naked as the day she
was born.

Our tiger now circles her sniffing the air and suddenly bounds to her,
puts its face between her legs and starts licking.  She throws back her
head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.

The Owner looks at the man and says   Thats quite an act, Think you can
do better than that.

The man says no problem, just get that fuckin tiger out of the cage

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 May 1997 09:38:06 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Prostitutes Vs Computer Consultants <adult>

  TOP TEN REASONS PROSTITUTION IS BETTER THAN
  THE JOB OF A COMPUTER CONSULTANT

  10) You get to choose your clients
  9)  Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed
  8)  You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for
      you.
  7)  No dress code
  6)  Close client interaction at all times
  5)  You are working  nights anyway
  4)  Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule
  3)  Continual feedback - every two hours or so
  2)  Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)
  1)  Either way you are still getting screwed

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 May 1997 to 21 May 1997
************************************************
