HUMOR Digest - 19 May 1997 to 20 May 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 579 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Yuppies <some adult humor>
  2. At the doctor's...
  3. Perception Helps <clean>
  4. Top5 - 5/19/97 - Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy
  5. The Cameron Column #47 (clean)
  6. Rules of Washington
  7. I'd love to, but (3 of 3)
  8. Drug Using Cartoon Suspects
  9. HUMOR: Old Maid
 10. Jungle Humor   (clean)
 11. A coupl'a jokes
 12. introduction to mafia
 13. The Making Of Holmes <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 02:49:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Yuppies <some adult humor>

*   The Yuppie couple was having dinner in a posh restaurant in (where
  else ?) Columbia Maryland.  He seemed preoccupied and the Yuppette
  told him so.  He replied, "I'm sorry darling, I have to make a clean
  breast of something.  Could you possible love a man who swindled his
  partner out of 3 million dollars ?"
    "Perhaps," said the Yuppette, "provided the man doesn't chicken out
  and make restitution."
                                - - - - -

* The counselor at the Columbia "magnet" school called a boy into his
  office before school started.  "Raymond, I have some good news and
  some bad news to relate to you this morning.  We've just reviewed all
  of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual
  tendencies...  And now the good news -- I think you're cute as hell."
                                - - - - -

*   The young Yuppie couple sat glumly in the marriage counselor's office
  exchanging contemptuous glances.  "Why don't you begin ?" the counselor
  said turning to the husband.  "What seems to be the problem ?"
     "I don't have any complaints," the man responded, "but lil' Miz
  what's-her-face here seems to think I don't pay any attention to her."
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppie came home sporting a pair of $275 shoes.  He had been
  anticipating admiring comments from his wife, but she didn't appear to
  even notice.  Somewhat piqued, he waited until it was bedtime and came
  out of the bathroom wearing only the fancy footwear.  "It's about time
  you paid some attention to what my penis is pointing at." he said.
    Looking down at the splendiferous shoes, the Yuppette shrugged and
  muttered, "Too bad you didn't buy a hat instead."
                                - - - - -

* In Columbia instead of the husband having to contend with the wife
  telling him where and how to rearrange furniture -- it's the decorator.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 10:26:41 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: At the doctor's...

The doctor enters the room where the patient is waiting for him anxiously
and says to him:
 - I have some good news and some bad news for you.
 - Let me hear the bad first asked the patient.
 - You have the Altzheimer disease.
 - And what's the good news? inquired the patient.
 - In about 10 minutes you won't remember that you have it ...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 15:09:11 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Perception Helps <clean>

  There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
  But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
  of his ears.  As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
  self-conscious about his having no ears.

  Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from
  the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
  business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had
  the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small,
  but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no
  business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to
  hire someone to run the business.

       He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of
  them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this
  guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice
  anything unusual about me?"  The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you
  have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

       The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
  was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview,
  the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
  about me? "  This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The
  man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

       Then he had the third interview.  The third candidate was even
  better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost
  certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,
  "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah,
  you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked,
  "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
  The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear
  glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 05:43:33 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/19/97 - Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy

                         May 16, 1997


 The Top 5 List has taken a short vacation to Canada.  To keep
 you folks occupied, here's a Top 5 Classic from June 4, 1996.
  All of our previous Top 5 Lists can be found in the Archive
       section of our website, at http://www.topfive.com

        The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy

16> Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days.

15> Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine.

14> You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work.

13> Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas.

12> You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of
    J&B and M&M's.

11> When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a
    "pathetic codependent loser."

10> When your boss calls you incompetant, you reply: "I know
    you are, but what am I?"

 9> Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power
    Ranger doll.

 8> Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner
    puppy you gave him for his birthday.

 7> You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering
    Lucky Charms and Milk.

 6> Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger
    Management Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row.

 5> Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel
    onto the floor.

 4> You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your
    Inner Child.

 3> Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the
    hell outta this dump."

 2> You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until
    gummi bear ransom is delivered.

   and the Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy...

 1> Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your ass with a $40 million
    inner lawsuit.


[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 06:16:14 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Cameron Column #47 (clean)

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
----------

Here are the three things which differentiate the sexes:  1.  The XY
Chromosome, tragically missing in women  2.  The toilet seat controversy,
in which women cannot understand the clear superiority of the "up"
position, and 3.  Prom.

The recent announcement in my family that my sophomore daughter has been
invited to prom resulted in gushing enthusiasm from the XX's in the family,
with the XY's being divided into two camps.  My 9 year old male son takes
the position "what is prom?" a position which seems worldly and
philosophical on the face of it, but which turns out to be one rooted in
ignorance--he simply doesn't know.  And my own reaction, "oh my God!"
remembering the conviction once held by me as a high school senior that to
ask  a girl to prom was pretty darn close to taking one on a honeymoon.

"Don't you remember your first prom?"  my wife asked, her eyes aglow.

Sure I do.  I invited a girl named Anne.  I wanted to rent a classic black
tuxedo, but the rental place I went to was all out (though they did have a
nice selection of floor scrubbers.)  I eventually settled on a lime green
tux with a ruffled burgundy shirt.  I looked like a cross between Omar
Sharif and Andy Warhol.

The day before prom I hit a duck with my car.  The windshield shattered.
When I asked my father if I could borrow his car, he responded
sympathetically, "hell no."  I picked up Anne in a car with no front
window.  It wasn't really raining that hard, but I agreed with Anne later
that I should never have taken the interstate.  We arrived looking like
we'd been riding a roller coaster in a hurricane.  The theme of the prom
that year was "Hydrocarbons in the Atmosphere"  (This was the seventies.
We still let school out for Earth Day.)  Anne and I won the award as "Most
Polluted."  (This was not the last honor I received from my classmates.
For the yearbook they nominated me "Least Likely to Reproduce.")

Every year for a decade, on the anniversary of prom, Anne sent me a card
reminding me that I was the worst date she'd ever had.

My daughter assured me I would really like her date because he had a great
sense of humor.  As evidence, she announced the fact that he had died his
hair electric blue "just to be weird."  I replied I didn't care what color
hair he had as long as he didn't try to come in my yard.  Ha ha, see, you
have a sense of humor too, my daughter teased.

Now, I've met Mr. Blue Hair.  He looks like he was in a jewelry store the
day it was bombed by terrorists:  his face is full of shrapnel -- rings and
studs all over the place.  He likes to reach out and put a protective arm
around my daughter, though as far as I am concerned it is he who needs
protection.  My wife wants to know if we should have a professional
photographer on prom night.  Why, I ask, so we can get pictures of the
kid's chalk outline on the floor?  Ha ha, my daughter says, Dad you have
such a sense of humor.  Ho ho, I reply, here are the rules for your prom:

1.  No area of his epidermis may touch any area of your epidermis.
2.  You will be back home by midnight.
3.  I am going with you.

My wife, caught up in female prom hysteria, advises my daughter not to
listen to me--a purely unnecessary instruction, since no one EVER listens
to me.  So I'm feeling a little desperate, and have a question for my
readers:  can anyone tell me if it is possible to train a duck to kamikaze
itself through a windshield?  I happen to know that a suicidal fowl and a
car windshield combine to fashion a perfect birth control device--if you
don't believe me, just ask Anne.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 07:05:57 -0400
From:    Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject: Rules of Washington

Taken from the Washington Post 5/19/97

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle,
but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 08:18:44 -0400
From:    "Harter, Doug" <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: I'd love to, but (3 of 3)

I'd love to, but I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'd love to, but I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'd love to, but I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
I'd love to, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'd love to, but I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I'd love to, but It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'd love to, but It's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to, but it's too close to the turn of the century.
I'd love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.
I'd love to, but my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
I'd love to, but my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'd love to, but my palm reader advised against it.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but my plot to take over the world is thickening.
I'd love to, but my subconscious says no.
I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again.
I'd love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I'd love to, but the grunion are running.
I'd love to, but the last time I went, I never came back.
I'd love to, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.
I'd love to, but the President said he might drop in.
I'd love to, but there are important world issues that need worrying about.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.


Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maughm

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 10:28:26 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:


 10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs) - Most likely LSD.  Spends his life in
pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing
his cat.  What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches
them anyway?

  9. Olive Oyl - Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines.  Who is
that skinny?!  She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger
to her friend.  One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking?  What is it, her personality?  NOT!

 8. Snagglepuss - Can't explain it.  Maybe it's the name, or the look, but
he is suspicious.

 7. He-Man - This is an easy one.  I mean c'mon.  Roid monkey #1.  "BY THE
POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor.  Alone in his
castle, hitting the weights.  And on top of that he even injects the stuff
in his pet tiger.  Can we say "Animal Abuse".

 6.& 5.  Yogi and Boo Boo - We all know what is really in those picnic
baskets.  They go back to the cave and trip.  Another side ? - Are they
gay?  I mean, take a look at BooBoo.

 4. Droopy - The number one downer abuser in toon land.  Can't someone
slip him an upper every year or two?  The only time I ever saw him happy
is when he sees the picture of the babe.  Sort of makes you wonder.

 3. Dopey Dwarf - He openly admits it.  The other dwarfs deny involvement
but they are under investigation.  Allegations are that Doc is writing
some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

 2. Daffy Duck - If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean.  He is so
wired he bounces around on his head without pain.  Blows his beak off all
the time.  Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't
work for him.

 1. Shaggy - By far the #1 suspect.  His clothes, his hair, his bad
goatee, the boy converses with dogs.  But all of this is nothing until you
go to the Munchie Factor.  Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed
per episode does pot, no if, ands, or, buts about it.  And Look at the way
he and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 10:51:18 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: Old Maid

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still
a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting
closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following
inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his
men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy
no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily
long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 11:37:00 -0500
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Jungle Humor   (clean)

Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle  play poker any more?

A: There are just too many Cheetahs

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 22:31:02 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: A coupl'a jokes

	Tongue twisters <clean, very clean>
Everyone's heard of:-
'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'

Well here's a slight variation:-  (Ron Reinhold)
'How much whey would a Zimbab weigh if a Zimbab would weigh whey?'
--------------------------------------

Ode to the Third Base Coach (Bob McKenty)

His loins are girt; his teeth are grit;
His jock itch he'll conceal.
(He knows that if he scratches it,
He'll start a double steal.)
--------------------------------------

New Musicals at Broadway:- (Gary D. Martin)
"Cab Array" brought to you by the New York City Taxi & Limo Co.
"Oh, Claw Hammer" by the carpenters union
"Car men" sponsored by the United Auto Workers
"Singing in Bahrain" by the USO
"Crease" by the launderers and dry cleaners Association
"Les Ms." by the National Organization for Women"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 16:10:32 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: introduction to mafia

This works better when using your best Marlon Brando Godfather impression
A Don request that three of his nephews are to meet him at the local bar.

When they arrive he explains to them the reason for the meeting. "
Tomorrow the three of you are going to be interviewed by all the kinpins
of the mob.  How you do will determine if you're accepted & because you
are my nephews I want you all to look good & honor me. I will help you as
much as I can by preparing you with some good asnwers for the big shots.

When they ask you what kind of car you own make sure you tell them its a
Fereira.  They all know a good Italian sports car, fast and good for
making a getaway

When they ask you what kind of a gun you own, make sure you tell them its
a Berreta.  Good Italian gun, powerful, accurate.  They all own Berrettas

When they ask you the kind of knife you own make sure you say Stiletto.
Thats something made in Sicily & they'll love it. You'll make a big hit
with them.

Now this is very important, VERY important, MOST important.  Listen &
listen good.  When you get married make sure you marry a woman with small
hands,very important, small hands!!!

The three nephews are taken aback & are looking at each other as if to
say HUH!  One of them finally gets  the nerve to ask the Don

"We understand the car, the gun, the knife things but we don't understand
the woman with the small hands.  Could you tell us more?

The Don answers "If you marry a woman with BIG hands she'll make your
pee-pee look small.


------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 May 1997 09:29:15 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Making Of Holmes <clean>

            Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the
            world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above
            telling tales about himself in which he was the
            laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he
            tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the
            railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put
            his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about
            to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the
            driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?''
            Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he
            knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have
            never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him
            what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver
            replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you
            being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand
            where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
            Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation.
            The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me
            that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English,
            and not French. Adding up all those pieces of
            information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan
            Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a
            real-life counter-part to my fictional creation,
            Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the
            driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the
            front of your suitcase.''

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 May 1997 to 20 May 1997
************************************************
