HUMOR Digest - 18 May 1997 to 19 May 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 372 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex <explicit sexual humor>
  2. crash again and again("SH.." word in first bit).
  3. WARNINGS (clean), Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)
  4. farmer joke (offensive to farmers and vets)
  5. Drivers and Driving
  6. Top5 - 5/16/97 - Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess
  7. HUMOR - Hockey
  8. Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 02:28:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex <explicit sexual humor>

* Contrary to popular belief, long held in this country, simultaneous
  orgasms are not just a stroke of luck.
                                - - - - -

*   "Darling," exclaimed the aging movie star who had just married for
  the fifth time.  "I didn't know you had such a small organ."
     "Well, my dearest," he replied, "how was I to know I'd be playing
  in a cathedral ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying
  to "out-status" each other,  The first man mentioned that his daughter
  had just been accepted at Vassar.
    "That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls
  really learn there is fornication."
    The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife
  attended Vassar !"
    The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me pal, she certainly
  could use a refresher course."
                                - - - - -

*   "Look," said the husband, "if you don't put some more action into it
  in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'."
     "Listen Romeo," snapped the wife, "if you could somehow manage just
  a inch or so more, you'd get yourself some 'strange stuff' right here."
                                - - - - -

* I've never really trusted either statistics or averages, but if memory
  serves me correctly, the average vagina can easily accommodate eight
  inches of penis.  Well, now follow me carefully all you studs out there:
  if the average erect penis is six inches, think of all the miles and
  miles of virgin vagina right in your own locale.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 23:26:21 +1000
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: crash again and again

      Two hunters are dropped off by a bush pilot in a remote area of
 Canada and are told that the pilot will be back to pick them up at a
 certain date and time so to be ready.  Their hunt is successful and
 the time arrives for the pickup.  The pilot swoops in for the pickup of
 the two proud hunters.  On viewing the hunters and their trophies the
 pilot states that there is too much weight and that one of the hunters
 will have to leave his game behind.
     An argument ensues and after several minutes of disagreement one
 of the hunters states that last year the pilot allowed each of them to
 return with their game.  Finally the pilot gives in and loads the
 plane to overflowing.  The plane departs overloaded and after struggling
 the length of the lake to gain altitude it crashes into the side of a
 mountain.
     The two hunters survive and after freeing themselves from the
 wreckage one says to the other, "Where do you suppose we are?"  The
 second hunter looks around and replies,  " It looks to me that we are
 about 50 to 100 miles north of where we crashed last year."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 16:16:06 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: WARNINGS (clean), Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)

 - On a cardboard windshield sun shade:  "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
   Shield in Place."
 - On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby out with bath water.
 - On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:  Not meant as
   substitute for human companionship.
 - On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
 - On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a flotation device.
 - On a cup of McDonald's coffee:  Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
 - On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.
 - On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an earthquake.
 - On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
 - On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
 - On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
 - On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation.
 - On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
   replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
 - On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
 - On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.
 - On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.  No
   meteorological warranties express or implied.
 - On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.
 - On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.
 - On syrup of ipecac:  Caution: May cause vomiting.
 - On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use only.
 - On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
 - On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct words,
   phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
--------------------
-= 5/15/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
 -= Top Ten Signs The New York Knicks Have Gone Nuts =-

10. Whole team now shares a single pair of shorts
 9. After shooting baskets, they keep trying to kick extra points
 8. Team does pre-game gargle with Michael Jordan's cologne
 7. They claim that "Knick" is short for "Knicolas Cage"
 6. According to their wives, lately they've all been beating the 24 second
    clock
 5. They're now trash-talking in Swedish
 4. They keep puncturing the ball with their Lee Press-On Nails *
 3. Every morning they spend two hours practicing getting groin pulls
 2. Patrick Ewing found in locker room, Knickerbockering himself
 1. New defense: full-court press, with pepper spray

Source: http://www.webslingerz.net/

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 20:34:58 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: farmer joke (offensive to farmers and vets)

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of.  One day
he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed.  That was
disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective
bull.   He called the local vet who came right over.  The vet assured him he
could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes.  I will
insert this straw into the bulls rectum and blow and when the eyes uncross,
yell stop!!"
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the
eyes uncrossed.
Farmer Brown was thrilled.   Several months pass and again he sees the eyes
cross.
He says to himself "I better call the vet.  No, wait a moment.  Last time I
called the vet he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few
moments.  I will do it myself."
He went to the barn and called his trusty farmhand, Luke.  "Luke, we have a
problem here and this is what I want you to do.  I will put this straw in the
rear of my bull and blow.  You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me
and I will stop blowing."
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.  Finally he
said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke.   Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it over and
reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke"
"Hell, boss, I'm not stupid.  I'm not blowing on the same end that you
did!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 17:52:25 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Drivers and Driving

A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS:

Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.

Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.

Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.

Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.

Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.

Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.

Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.

Torpid Highway Creeper: A menance to all other road runners.

One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.

Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving.
          [A species related to the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]

Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.

----------
Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're driving, keep
a sharp lookout for these birds - and be sure no one thinks you're one of them.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 23:04:32 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/16/97 - Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

                          May 16, 1997

      The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

16> Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be
    played by Pauly Shore.

15> Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your
    gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.

14> The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.
    You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.

13> Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.

12> Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate
    millions of chess moves per minute.  You: lauded by fraternity
    buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.

11> You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy
    shrimp.

10> In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with
    an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.

 9> Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this
    particular opponent.

 8> Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns
    to wipe out their own king and queen.

 7> Kasparov's idol:  Bobby Fisher.   Your idol:  Eddie Fisher.

 6> The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo."

 5> You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the
    computer into blowing itself up.

 4> Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the
    bank security staff.

 3> Computer: Intel Inside.  You: Imbecile Inside.

 2> After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King
    me, Pentium-breath!"

    and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess...

 1> You counter *every* move with a "Smirnoff opening."


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 22:33:34 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Hockey

According to a recent survey, approximately 35 per cent of all American
men think sex is the best way to end an argument.  "Let me tell you
something," says Jay Leno. This could revolutionize the game of hockey."
                            --"The Tonight Show," NBC

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 May 1997 00:51:24 -0500
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - MAY be offensive to the IRS, airlines pilot & baggage
handlers, disco, spoiled chess players, IBM, the Giffords, dead
presidents, overpaid sitcom actors, and actresses, Los Angelenos

Tax Freedom Day has come and gone this week. That's the day we stop
working to pay our taxes and start working for ourselves. Personally, I
couldn't tell the difference.

Susie Maroney became the first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida.
Well, it was either swim or fly Valuejet. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

In a survey of frequent fliers, Continental Airlines was rated the best
for long flights, second best on short flights, and came in 50th on
finding the right airport.

Hey, you can't have *everything*.

It must be awfully embarrasing for that pilot who landed at the wrong
airport. The airport he landed at has been closed since 1958. The good
news is, they found tons of lost luggage - that's where it's been going
all these years. (Leno)

The Polish shipyard where the Solidarity union was born is being
converted into a doscotheque. Who would have guessed disco would
outlast communism? (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Bad news for Frank Gifford - Cathie Lee found out there is no Tuesday
Night Football... (Leno)

IBM was so ecstatic when its computer won the chess match with
Kasparopv, executives vowed not to lay anybody off this month.

Anti liquor ativists are fighting the distilled spirits industry over
TV advertising. Hey, everythings for sale these days - it's only a
matter of time before Big Bird is replaced by Wild Turey.

The famous presidential dog Checkers will be reburied at the Richard
Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, California. Checkers was able to respond
to commands like, 'sit', 'stay', 'roll over', and 'eat 18 minutes of
tape'.

In Tulsa Oklahoma, a 90 year old man graduated from a university. He
says he's going to move back in with his parents, take a couple of
years off... maybe travel... just get his head together... (Leno)

A young lady in York, Pennsylvania made her prom dress in shop class,
out of sheet metal. Kind of a cute idea I guess, but I feel sorry for
her date. It's bad enough these day you have to worry about sexually
transmitted diseases... now you gotta worry aboiut tetanus too. (Leno)

The supporting cast of Seinfeld agreed to a contract that will
reportedly raise their salaries to $600,000 per episode - that's more
than $13 million if they do 22 shows next season. Who do these guys
think they are - baseball players?

Pamela Lee Anderson defended herself in a lawsuit by saying she
rejected a script because it contained too many gratuitous sex scenes.
She said she changed her mind after she read the script. No one told
her there would be a script - she's from Baywatch. They don't *have*
scripts. (Leno)

The Justice Department says a crackdown on trademark fraud targeting
counterfeits of Nike, Calvin Klein and other products has netted 35
indictments. It's pretty easy to tell when you have a fake pair of
Nikes on your hands - they say 'Made in America" on the bottom.

Oxygen bars are opening in Los Angeles, but I don't think this trend is
going to catch on here... people are used to their air chunky style.

Proponents of recreational oxygen say it helps with headaches, fatigue
and stress. In fact, they say without breathing oxygen, you could
possibly die. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

And finally, Diet Coke is changing its slogan from 'Just for the Taste
of It' to 'You Are What You Drink'. What does that mean? You are a
hodgepodge of chemicals not normally found in nature? (Cutler Daily
Scoop)


*Don't bum me down with your jive, man

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 May 1997 to 19 May 1997
************************************************
