HUMOR Digest - 17 May 1997 to 18 May 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 187 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Justice System <adult humor>
  2. The Flatulant Husband (clean)
  3. letter of recommendation
  4. HUMOR: and clean too
  5. Veterinarian <rude> try again

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Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 02:25:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Justice System <adult humor>

*   It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette
  accused of incredible escapades.  Testifying before her own attorney,
  she projected an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of wifely
  fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
    When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer
  said, "Isn't it true on the nite of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm,
  you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle
  bars of a careening motorcycle that passed thru Columbia at speeds in
  excess of seventy-five miles per hour ?"
     The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control
  and composure.  Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she
  asked, "What was that date again ?"
                                - - - - -

* A lawyer is an expert on justice in much the same way your average
  hooker is an expert on love.
                                - - - - -

*   A Judge in Columbia had impanelled the jury of Yuppies & Yuppettes
  to hear a controversial case.  The testimony is given and the jury
  retires.  Two days go by and nothing is heard.  Finally, the Judge
  sends in the Bailiff to see if they were close to a verdict.
     The Bailiff returns and sez "I'm sorry your Honor.  They're still
  working on their nominating speeches for foreman."
                                - - - - -

*   I had gotten word that this sexual harassment case I was involved in
  was going to be dropped.  Excited, I called my lawyer and said, "Hey
  Vernon, justice has been done !"
    There was a slight pause and then he said, "Don't worry about a
  thing Jimmy, leave it to me, we'll appeal at once !"
                                - - - - -

* I understand in Baltimore City they're going to speed up the criminal
  justice system.  They're going to have a special Express Court for all
  the people with six crimes or less.

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Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 12:23:56 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Flatulant Husband (clean)

     There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for
nearly forty years.  The only friction in their marriage was caused by the
husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.  The
noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to
water as she would choke and gasp for air.  Nearly every morning she would
plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.  He told her that he
couldn't help it.  She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could
be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.  He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to
wave the fumes away with her hands.  She told him that there was nothing
natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his
guts out".
     The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one
Thanksgiving morning.  Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the
family feast.  She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a
turkey.  While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred
to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.  With a
devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and
quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
     While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then
gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.  She then placed all of the
turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the
covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
     Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud
ass-trumpeting.  This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.  The
wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled
on the floor laughing.  After years of putting up with him she had finally
gotten even.
     About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his  blood
stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.  She bit her lip  to
keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
     He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I
didn't listen to you."
     "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
     "Well you always told me that  I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God and
these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 19:02:08 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: letter of recommendation

       While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
       working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
       gossiping with colleagues in the office.  He seldom
       wastes his time on useless things.  Given a job, he always
       finishes the given assignment in time.  He is always
       deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
       found chitchatting in the canteen.  He has absolutely no
       vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
       knowledge of his field.  I think he can easily be
       classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
       dispensed with.  I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
       pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
       sent away as soon as possible.

       Sd/-

       Branch Manager

       ----------------------------------------------

       A second note following the report:

	XXXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY.
	KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,...
	FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

	REGARDS,
	Sd/-

	Branch Manager

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Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 21:57:40 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR: and clean too

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford.  He played it
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.  Finally
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so
as to attend to each other's needs.  Cindy said she was game, and a very
vigorous sexual relationship began.

     Everything was great for about 4 months.  One day the guy went to Cindy
and said, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to
ask you a favor."

Cindy said "Okay." The guy said "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" and Cindy
looked at him a little funny, but said "sure, you can borrow my eyebrow
pencil."

     The guy then said "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?"  Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay."

Then the guy said "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to
look more like a man?"  Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point,
but says "Well I guess so."

     Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"  Cindy,
very dejected, says "I guess not."

So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says "Fred, you won't
believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 May 1997 03:57:22 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Veterinarian <rude> try again

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside
 my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are *not* the
 first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
 But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you
 are a veterinarian!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 May 1997 to 18 May 1997
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