HUMOR Digest - 16 May 1997 to 17 May 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 666 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women, God luv 'em <some adult humor>
  2. Veterinarian <rude>
  3. Weirdos, the Gift and Quotes (all clean)
  4. Where are my Nikes???
  5. Humor:adult....suggestive
  6. An arab in the UK <maybe off. to Arabs>
  7. may be offensive to lawyers
  8. Wight loss at at all cost <Off Language >
  9. short joke, <suggestive, rude>
 10. Costume party
 11. Nudist joke (courtesy of Myron Cohen)
 12. Juggler
 13. Five reasons computers must be female...
 14. Wanna Go Hi_Tech?
 15. Blond jokes
 16. :Unofficial Non-Chain Letter
 17. Bumper Stickers I ACTUALLY saw in one day!! (yeah right!!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 02:05:09 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women, God luv 'em <some adult humor>

*   The busy Columbia veterinarian impatiently assured the Yuppette that
  her schnauzer dog had nothing wrong with its hearing.  "There's just
  too much hair around the dog's ears." he said.  "Get some hair remover
  and he'll be fine."
    The Yuppette went to the local pharmacy and purchased a bottle of the
  best depilatory and the pharmacist proceeded to instruct her on its use.
  "Use it full strength for your legs and maybe half strength for your
  underarms." he told her.
    "Thanks," she replied, "But it's not for that, I really want this to
  use on my schnauzer."
     "Oh !  I see." replied the pharmacist. " Uh, in that case I would use
  no more than a 10 % solution, and I wouldn't advise any bike riding for
  at least for a day or two."
                                - - - - -

* Even in the 90's, I've found that lots of women like to make things --
  Mountains out of Molehills for example.
                                - - - - -

* A lot of men complain about their wife's cooking.  When we were first
  married, my wife's dinners melted in my mouth.  Then, she learned to
  defrost them first.
                                - - - - -

* I can still remember my daughter's first date. She didn't know whether
  to be prim or daring, so she compromised.  She wore a low-cut dress
  with a turtleneck slip.
                                - - - - -

* Say what ya will.  Women are still the best opposite sex we have.
                                - - - - -

* And the phrase "professional woman".  I mean, come on.  When's the last
  time you met an "amateur" one ?
                                - - - - -

* And just think guys, where we'd be today w/o women:  Back in paradise
  in the Garden of Eden for one thing.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 08:09:19 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Veterinarian <rude>

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled  around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES,  YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"

		- - - - - - - -
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside
 my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are *not* the
 first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
 But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you
 are a veterinarian!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 13:28:19 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Weirdos, the Gift and Quotes (all clean)

Weirdos in the News (clean)

     * In October in Leonia, N. J., Maria Graef became so enraged that her
next-door neighbor's sprinkler was forming a puddle in her yard that she
rammed his garage with her car and then barricaded herself in her home for
20 hours in a standoff with police. After attempting several schemes to get
her out, police got the idea to turn on Graef's own sprinkler, which enraged
her so much that she came running out of the house in her nightgown and was
captured and charged with several crimes.
     * Trucker Franciszek Zygadlo was committed to a mental institution in
Rochester, N. Y., in November after he led police on a 280-mile, high-speed
chase in his trailerless cab through three states in September. According to
police, after finally driving the truck into Irondequoit Bay, Zygadlo ran
toward the officers and proclaimed himself a hero for defusing a bomb on the
truck that he said would have exploded if he had ever slowed to less than 40 mph
     * Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin
appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the
Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's
needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf
spikes and fell hard on his face on a brick path outside the clubhouse, and
he argued that he wouldn't have fallen if it had been a smooth concrete
sidewalk rather than a brick path. The trial court had found that only 49
percent of the accident was due to Larson's having consumed 13 drinks that
evening, which left him with a blood-alcohol level of 0.28 90 minutes after
the fall.
     * According to a September report in Toronto's Globe and Mail, the
University of Toronto's medical school employs actors and other people for
$12 to $35 per hour to be practice patients for its students. Bob LeRoy, 45,
commands the top pay because he is a rectal-exam patient. Said LeRoy, "I
always hope the student with the biggest finger goes first."
--------------------
The Gift (clean)
     On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils.
     The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it, held it over her
head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers."  "That's
 right!" said the boy.  "But how did you know?"  "Just a wild guess,"  she said.
     The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.  The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it  is...a
box of candy."  "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.  "Just
a lucky guess," said the teacher.
     The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.  The teacher held
it over her head but it was leaking.  She touched a drop of the
 leakage with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.  "No," the
boy replied.  The teacher repeated the process, touching
 another drop of the leakage to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she  asked.
"No," the boy replied.  The teacher then said, "I give up,
 what is it?"  The boy replied, "A puppy!"
--------------------
Unbelievable  Quotes

New York Magazine recently had a contest in which readers sent in quotes
from daytime talk shows. Here are a few of my favorites from the list:
     "Hey -- we go to PTA, we pay our taxes, we're no different from you
just because we strip for Satan."
     "When did you first suspect that your husband was maintaining another
wife and family in the garage?"
     "One of my personalities, Gina, was a real clothes horse. When I saw
the bill from Saks, I knew it was time to get help."
     "Nothing will stop me from marrying her, even if she was my
brother-in-law."

ADDITIONAL STUPIDS
     "A British tour guide once told us that while addressing a group of
Americans visiting Buckingham Palace, landing aircraft at Heathrow Airport
made so much noise the group had trouble hearing him. One American lady
remarked that the Queen should have known better than to build the castle so
near the airport."
     "I grew up in the town I was born and raised in." -- Janet Reno.
     "If you did not hear this announcement, please notify the office." --
The principal of a grammar school making an announcement over the Public
Address System.
     From a Giant-Redskins game earlier in the year. One fan apparently was
a big fan of a player named Cox, so much so that he went to the game with
the word "Cox" painted on his forehead. There was only one problem. He must
have been looking at himself in a mirror when he did it, because he painted
Cox backwards.
     "No Children allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward. Cool calm
and corrected.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 09:21:19 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Where are my Nikes???

 Sam and Dave  are camping in the wilderness.   Sam turns and notices a
 bear about a mile behind them.  They decide to pick up the pace a bit.
 However,  it soon becomes apparent that the bear is following them, in
 fact the bear has broken into a run.

 Sam quickly removes his backpack and rummages through it. Astonished,
 Dave asks what he's doing. Sam replies that he is going to remove his
 hiking boots and put on running shoes.

 "Are you crazy? , you'll never out run a bear by wearing running shoes"
 says Dave. Sam replies," I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to
 outrun you."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 09:28:53 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult....suggestive

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father  goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies
with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger
they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he
got !"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 14:23:53 +0100
From:    FIREFLY <ganagnos@GLAM.AC.UK>
Subject: An arab in the UK <maybe off. to Arabs>

An Arab comes to the United Kingdom and is stopped at the customs. A police
officer asks him:
P.O: Passport please.
Ara: Here you go.
P.O: Name?
Ara: Sahan.
P.O: Surname?
Ara: Abu Mahmut.
P.O: Sex?
Ara: Hmmm... Two, three times a day.
P.O: No, I don't mean that. I mean man or woman.
Ara: Oh... whatever...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 11:11:54 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: may be offensive to lawyers

Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement.....

1. Think you can get me off?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 12:34:07 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Wight loss at at all cost <Off Language >

Dan had always been on the heavy side & was always willing to try another
diet to lose those few pounds that would transform him into a lean sex
machine.

Alas try as he may, the pounds would either come right back on or never
even leave.  Dan after his last futile attempt had decided the dieting
was a waste of time & he may as well commit himself to the fact that he
was just going to be a large person.

One day while in town he spotted a new, rather flashy sign on the fifth
floor of the building across the street from where he worked.  The sign
read  LOSE WEIGHT -- GUARANTEED!!!!

Well that was enough to have Dan try one more time.  On his lunch break
he went to that building, found that the weight loss agency had a 5th
floor room.  To the elevator Dan goes only to see a sign that says
OUT OF ORDER & an arrow pointing to the stairs.

Dan climbs the stairs, finds the room, knocks on the door and a very
attractive lady opens it and asks him to come in & be seated.  She says
the salon is currently offering two wight loss plans, A $25.00 one and A
$50.00 package.  She asks him which weight loss plan would he be willing
to try.
Dan mention that up till now nothing has worked so maybe he had best
stick with the cheaper plan.  He pays the $25.00 & is told to go down the
hall to another room,disrobe and wait for an attendant.

This he does and after a few minutes a door slowly swings open and their
is the same very attractive young lady STARK NAKED, wearing a tiny sign
which says       If you can catch me you can fuck me.

Dan gets up and walks toward her & she runs into a very large room that
contains an indoor track.  After running around a few times the young
lady sees Dan has about run out of gas, slows down and allows Dan to
catch her. Dan gets his moneys worth, dresses and on his way out notices
a scale, gets on it and finds out he has lost 3 lbs.  He says to the
young lady   I'LL BE BACK

A few days later he returns to find the elevator out of order but this
time he runs up the stairs.  The knock on the door brings the same
attractive lady and again she asks which plan would he like.  Dan asks
the difference in the $25.00 and the $50.00 one.  She winks and takes a
great deal of time wetting her lips & states that the higher priced plan
is much more intense & a larger amount of weight will be loss.  Dan
agrees that perhaps it would be best if he tried the higher priced plan,
and pays her the $50.00

Down to the room he goes, disrobes and waits impatiently by the door.
Slowly the door opens and their he sees a huge gorilla with a sign
hanging from his neck    If I catch   YOU   I'm gonna    FUCK YOU!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 May 1996 18:36:54 +0100
From:    David Phillips <dphillips@DSP.ORG.UK>
Subject: short joke, <suggestive, rude>

Why did the architect have his house made backwards?

So he could watch the football.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 18:00:20 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Costume party

A man arrives at a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back.  "What
have you come as?" they ask.  "I'm a turtle" he replies.  "But where is
your costume and why is there a woman on your back?"

He replies "That's Michelle."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 18:38:42 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nudist joke (courtesy of Myron Cohen)

Seymour lived at a nudist colony in California and he received a letter from
his mom.
"Seymour, I haven't heard from you, I don't see you,  Please write.-love,
Mom"
Seymour immediately wrote his mom and decided to send her a picture.  He
realized that living at a nudist colony, he couldn't send her the whole
picture, so he cut it in half and mailed the letter. Not realizing it, he
sent her the wrong half.
He got a letter back from mom.  "Seymour, good to hear from you.  Showed your
picture to Aunt Sadie.  She says if you cut your beard, your nose will look
so much smaller.!"

*My first post------gail katz

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 00:44:59 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Juggler

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
        I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop.  "Let's see you do it."
        So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
 A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
 Look at the test they're making you do now!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 00:54:52 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Five reasons computers must be female...

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
   for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
   "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
   to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 01:00:37 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Wanna Go Hi_Tech?

     This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves a
6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the
time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting
this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he askes him for the time.
     The guy replies "Sure, which country?" Our fella askes "How many
countries have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the
world!"  "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
     "That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and
can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its
miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
     "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You
wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
     "Well, acutually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if
you want it, it's yours!"
     Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his cheque book fast
enough, and hands over a cheque for $900.
     The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. Congratulations,
here is you new high-tech watch!" and then handing the 2 suitcases over
as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 00:48:18 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Blond jokes

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
		''''''''''''''''''''
The blonde goes over to her brunette friend's house on Friday to chat.
Later on, the brunette's husband pulls up in the driveway, and gets out
of the car, holding a dozen roses.

The brunette says "oh great, looks like I'm going to spend the weekend on
my back with my legs spread in the air again".

The blonde says "Why, don't you have a vase?"
		''''''''''''''''''''
A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and
her boyfriend. The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.

The blonde says "I Thought they were only a dollar." The clerk says that
the 6 cents is for the tax. The blonde gets all wide eyed and says "I
thought you just rolled them on!"
		''''''''''''''''''''
Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
		''''''''''''''''''''
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert. They were
driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing
else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their
journey. The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and
the blonde took the door.
After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I'm confused,
why did you bring the radiator?"
The brunette responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the redhead said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I
can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door.
The blonde quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I get hot all
I have to do is roll down the window."
		''''''''''''''''''''
Then there was the blonde who got locked into the bathroom.
She was in there so long she peed in her pants.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 00:53:31 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Unofficial Non-Chain Letter

      The Official Un-Chain Letter
-------------------------------------------------------------

DO NOT FORWARD THIS !       DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT !
Forwarding this will cause immense amounts of bad luck.
Do not forward this to your friends, or enemies.

If you send this to one of your friends you will end up
blowing lint balls out of your nose.

If you send it to two or three of your friends, they will be
affected by the above and any and all of your pets will lose
effective bladder control.

If you send it to four to eight of your friends, they will be
affected by the above and you will be the sole cause of mass
starvation in a small Mediterranean country.

If you send this to nine to fifteen of your friends, they will
be affected by all of the above and you will be drafted to
serve in a Peacekeeping Force in the Mediterranean area.

If you send this to sixteen to twenty-five of your friends,
they will be affected by all of the above and you will be
captured, tortured and brainwashed by a small radical band of
anarchists who have control of a twenty megaton hydrogen bomb
with surface to surface capabilities.

If you send this to more than twenty five of your friends,
they will be affected by all of the above and you personally
will trigger the hydrogen device.

...and we know where that leads don't we?

HOWEVER,

If you only THINK of sending it to one of your friends.
your boogers will be normal.

If you only THINK of sending it to two or three of your
friends, they will be affected by the above, and your pets
will only piss you off.

If you only THINK of sending it to four to eight of your
friends, they will be affected by all of the above and the
olive harvest will be a bumper crop this year.

If you only THINK of sending it to nine to fifteen of your
friends, they will be affected by all of the above (cheap
martinis) and you will qualify for a brainless cush job at
twice the salary.

If you only THINK of sending it to sixteen to twenty-five of
your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and
you will become involved in a pretentious race of keeping up
with your friend's purchases of materialistic items.

If you only THINK of sending it to more than twenty-five of
your friends, they will affected by all of the above,  and
your friends will personally hold you responsible for their
sleazy materialistic attitudes and jointly hire a hit man to
pull the trigger.

    SO REALLY,  DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FORWARDING THIS !

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 May 1997 00:58:44 -0400
From:    "Dale R. Vanselow" <dalevanselow@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers I ACTUALLY saw in one day!! (yeah right!!)

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken."

"Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes."

"Cover me.  I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times I let her sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming
 and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"Montana --- at least our cows are sane."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm the thing from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Can you hang up the car phone long enough for me to call you stupid?"

"How'd you get your driver's license, a relative?"

"Wink  I'll do the rest."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it."

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality?  That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from"

"Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, bloody, and hungry, then it gets worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies."

"Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be having fun."

"Consciousness:  that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft.  Resistance is futile.  You will be assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie]'....till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
 sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 May 1997 to 17 May 1997
************************************************
