HUMOR Digest - 15 May 1997 to 16 May 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 425 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Men and Women Relate
  2. New cult
  3. Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)
  4. Law School (Possibly off. to lawyers)
  5. Caesar pun
  6. The Samurais
  7. HUMOR: Kasparov's trash talk <off. Kasparov>
  8. Origin of Streaking
  9. I'd love to, but (2 of 3)
 10. Fear of Friaring (Air Sickness Bag Advisory)
 11. <humoR ?>  Paltry Poultry Pun...
 12. Gimme three beers, please  <no warning necessary>
 13. Blonde Joke(off. to blondes?)
 14. Wanna Go Hi_Tech? <clean>
 15. TOP TEN CHANGES FOX WILL BRING TO THE DODGERS

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Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 03:14:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men and Women Relate

* My Grandfather was one of the wisest men I ever knew.  I still
  remember his only advice to me concerning women.  "Jimmy," he said,
  "Trust me on this one, even if you do eventually understand women,
  you'll never believe it anyway."
                                - - - - -

* Did ya ever notice though that no one has ever asked a man how in
  the world he combines marriage, family and a career ?
                                - - - - -

*   And who sez life is fair ?  I once griped to a girl in the Office,
  named Sharon, who was forever "man bashing" that women have PMS.  I
  asked "What do men have ?"
    Without even breaking stride, she replied "ESPN."
                                - - - - -

*   It's said that big, strong, muscular guys make docile husbands.
  Well, for that matter, so do big, strong, muscular women.  They have
  a way of making almost any guy docile.
                                - - - - -

*   I had a friend who married this girl who was determined to "reform"
  him.  In no time at all, she had him stopped from smoking, drinking
  and staying out all hours.  She introduced him to the finer things of
  life, like art and music.  She taught him to dress well and to master
  the rules of etiquette.  She got him a top, well paying job.
    One morning he took a look around and decided she wasn't good enuff
  for him and left her.
                                - - - - -

* Through the years there have been all kinds of fad diets and methods
  to lose weight and firm the body.  My wife was into this thing one
  time where the woman wrapped herself completely in Saran wrap.  I
  came home one nite and saw her laying on the couch, all wrapped up,
  and said "Oh no ! 'Leftovers' again ?"

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Date:    Tue, 13 May 1997 19:17:30 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: New cult

Did you hear about the new computer programmer cult?

They live in a small town in Washington State (USA) and worship a
reincarnated spirit named........

CD-Ramtha.

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Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 11:42:21 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dave's Top 10 (innuendo)

-= 5/9/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
     -= Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Kirby Puckett =-
   (As presented by Minnesota Twins great Kirby Puckett)

10. Kooby Pickett
 9. Creepy Pockets
 8. Bernie Crumpet
 7. Turkey Bucket
 6. Buddy Hackett
 5. The Puckett Formerly Known as Kirby
 4. Punky Brewster
 3. Kent Hrbek
 2. There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett
 1. Englepuck Kirbydink
--------------------
-= 5/12/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
  -= Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory=-

10. Nailed R2D2
 9. Just for the heck of it, told the I.R.S. computers to audit Bill Gates *
 8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite: Had cybersex with Eddie Murphy
 7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy
 6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo
 5. Called up moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for everything
 4. Doing a guest spot on "friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend
 3. Enjoying a refreshing game of ping-pong (suddenly - a video shot of an
    OLD pc with a ping-pong paddle taped to side of the monitor comes up...
    you guessed it, a ball bounces off it...)
 2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a workout
 1. He's going to www.disneyworld.com!
--------------------
-= 5/13/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
  -= Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Mini-Series =-

10. The last don is played by Don Knotts
 9. The plot revolves around whether a fat guy will get up from a couch or not
 8. The big cliffhanger: "who fed clam dip to the dog?"
 7. It stars Siskel as Ebert
 6. It's called, "Booty Call: The Mini-Series" *
 5. All 38 characters are portrayed by Tori Spelling
 4. It's an all-monkey production of "Gone With The Wind"
 3. Includes scene in which Mary Todd Lincoln works out with a "Buttmaster"
 2. Five words: Richard Simmons is Harry Truman
 1. Takes place only 12 leagues under the sea

Source: http://www.webslingerz.net/

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 12:12:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Law School (Possibly off. to lawyers)

Here are some reasons why I got into Law School.

* If The Sex Pistols could pass as musicians, I could pass as a lawyer.
* I'm the only one who applied.
* Faculty was conducting experiments to see if anyone with an IQ of
    65 could survive.
* Computer geeks quota was low.
* Admissions committee was cheesed off at Rector (Dean). I was their revenge.
* Someone thought "Mariotti" was one of those obscure Latin phrases
   that lawyers use, like "Mutatis Mutandis".
* Someone thought "Mariotti" was a good name for a lawyer.
* Admissions Committee was impressed that I had the guts to apply
   with my grades.

(I made it up; in Italy you do not have to go through an Admission
committee, to enter Law School).

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 07:54:59 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Caesar pun

Once, back in the Roman days of Caesar, there was a farmer who grew, among
other things, strawberries. One year, he grew an especially large strawberry,
which soon became the talk of the town. All the townspeople would come by
every day to look at this mighty strawberry and praise it's size, color, and
evenness of seed covering.
Soon, it became famous farther and farther away from his town, until
eventually it became known to Caesar himself. Caesar, being the decadent man
he was, became enamored of this strawberry, and desired it for himself. To
that end, he dispatched a patrol of Centurions to fetch the succulent fruit.
Upon arriving at the farmer's field, the Centurions pushed their way through
the throng of admirers and confronted the farmer.
"Are you soldiers here to see and compliment me on my strawberry?" asked the
farmer.
Whereupon the lead soldier said " We have come to Sieze your Berry, not to
praise it."

(From the old quote-"We have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him!)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 15:16:29 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The Samurais

     (A Samurai is a Japanese warrior, expert at martial arts)

Once there was a competition between 3 Samurais to see which one was the
best.
The first said: Do you see that fly over there? He took out his sword and
made a fast movement, and voosh there the fly laid on the floor cut in
two.
The second said: Do you see that fly over there? He also took his sword
and after two noises voosh, voosh, everyone could see the fly on the
floor cut in four pieces.
The third said: Do you see that fly over there? He took out his sword and
made a fast movement, and voosh... But the fly continued his flight
undisturbed.
- So, what's the big deal doing it? It's still flying.
- Yes, he's still flying said the Samurai, but children it won't have...

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Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 09:35:53 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Kasparov's trash talk <off. Kasparov>

Got this from Buzzsaw, by Bill Shein, on AOL.

Garry Kasparov's Trash Talk

"What, you have one of those flawed Pentium chips in there?"

"Mrs. Deep Blue sends her best. I just saw her last night."

"With wimpy moves like that, maybe I should call you 'Deep Yellow'"

"I have an old Commodore 64 that could kick your ass"

"Computate THIS!"

"So, DB, your Queen was telling me that the nickname "Big Blue" isn't
really appropriate."

"Your Mom was ENIAC!"

"Would ... you ... like ... to ... play ... a ... game?"

"At least the computer in 'Knight Rider' could leave the house."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 11:03:11 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Origin of Streaking

This morning a famous newscaster on radio ended his report with an
explanation of how streaking got started.  Seems a fellow had just taken a
bath and before dressing was rummaging around in his medicine cabinet
to find some "Preperation-H" and accidently got hold of a tube of "Ben-Gay."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 14:40:17 -0400
From:    "Harter, Doug" <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: I'd love to, but (2 of 3)

I'd love to, but I want to spend more time with my blender.
I'd love to, but I'll be looking for a parking space.
I'd love to, but I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
I'd love to, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'd love to, but I'm being deported.
I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit.
I'd love to, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I'd love to, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I'd love to, but I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
I'd love to, but I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'd love to, but I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I'd love to, but I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'd love to, but I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'd love to, but I'm going to be old someday.
I'd love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I'd love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to, but I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I'd love to, but I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'd love to, but I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I'd love to, but I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
I'd love to, but I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'd love to, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
I'd love to, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I'd love to, but I'm too young for that stuff.
I'd love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'd love to, but I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I'd love to, but I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maughm

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 12:00:56 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Fear of Friaring (Air Sickness Bag Advisory)

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good  fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her
too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town  to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, the friars did so - thereby proving that...

...Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 15:23:29 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humoR ?>  Paltry Poultry Pun...

From: crmetzger@CCGATE.HAC.COM

     Q:  why do chicken coupes have 2 doors

     A:  because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 17:59:18 -0600
From:    DAVID DEARMAN <DDEARMAN@MSUVX2.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Gimme three beers, please  <no warning necessary>

        A guy walks into a bar and orders. "Gimme three beers, please."
The bartender is a little astonished at the unusual order but places three
beers on the bar. The guy drinks each of them, one after the other. As he is
about to leave, the bartender decides to satisfy his curiosity: "Sir, I know
it's none of my business, but I'm curious about why you ordered three beers all
at once. Usually, people will order their beers one at a time, although a
couple of my customers occasionally have ordered two at a time. But no one has
ever come in alone and ordered three beers. What's the deal?"
        The guy explained, "My two brothers and I are very close to each other.
We are quite an intimate family, but now live in different cities. Whenever we
get together, we will drink beer together and talk about all that has
happened since we saw each other last. And we have an agreement that whenever
we are apart and decide to have a beer, we will order three beers, so that we
can think about each other, even in our absence." The bartender smiles at such
a touching tale of brotherly love, thanks the guy for sharing his story, and
bids him a fond farewell as he leaves the bar.
        About a month later, the guy comes back into the bar and the bartender
recognizes him immediately. He is about to get three beers out from the cooler
when the guy orders, "Gimme two beers, please."
        The bartender is a bit astonished and concerned at the change in the
man's order. He thinks to himself that this may be a sad occasion. As he puts
the two beers down on the bar in front of the guy, he again asks a question to
satisfy his curiosity: "Sir, I know it's none of my business, but the last time
you were here, you ordered three beers and told me the story about your
brothers. Now you order only two beers. Is everything okay? Did one of your
brothers--heaven forbid--did one of your brothers die?"
        The guy throws back one of the beers and answers, "Oh, my, no !!!
It's nothing like that. It's just that I've quit drinkin'."  (:->)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 19:57:04 -0400
From:    Ben Taylor <WabashiMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Blonde Joke(off. to blondes?)

Q.  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde all pull
up to a 4-way stop sign at the same time.  Who goes first?

A.   The dumb blonde because there's no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter
Bunny, or a smart blonde.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 09:13:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Wanna Go Hi_Tech? <clean>

     This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves a 6:00
     but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the
     time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting
     this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he askes him for the time. The guy
     replies "Sure, which country?" Our fella askes "How many countries
     have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"
     "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
     "That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and
     can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its
     miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
     "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You
     wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
     "Well, acutually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you
     want it, it's yours!"
     Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his cheque book fast
     enough, and hands over a cheque for $900.
     The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.
     "Congratulations, here is you new high-tech watch!" and then handing
     the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 May 1997 01:14:48 -0400
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN CHANGES FOX WILL BRING TO THE DODGERS

10. Scully and Mulder watch for aliens in left field

 9. L.A. Dodgers now the 90210 Dodgers

 8. Diamond Vision now becomes "Fox Vision" with the big screen showing
    episodes of "Melrose Place" rather than baseball highlights

 7. Trainer skilled in repairing damaged makeup

 6. Al Bundy finds new show, replaces Vin Scully

 5. Kelly Bundy haltertop day

 4. Nothing really. They both can't get any hits

 3. Aaron Spelling's untalented offspring will perform between innings

 2. Mike Piazza is forced to dye his hair blond, spike it up, and walk
    around saying... "Don't have a cow man!"

 1. The new, improved "glowing" resin bag

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 May 1997 to 16 May 1997
************************************************
