HUMOR Digest - 14 May 1997 to 15 May 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 377 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Yuppies Ride Again <adult humor>
  2. Hamsters
  3. humor <clean & short>
  4. Humor: more bumper stickers
  5. MJ's Money (clean), Medicine (clean but ick!)
  6. HUMOR: Military Problem Solving  <clean>
  7. A man walks into a bar...
  8. Ten Commandments
  9. Members <adult>

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Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 02:25:57 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Yuppies Ride Again <adult humor>

*   Following the "American Heritage" parade in Columbia Maryland,
  there was a reception for all the participants.  This young Yuppette
  went up to one of the men who had marched in full Scottish regalia
  and said, "Excuse my bluntness, but I've just got to know, is
  anything worn under your kilt ?"
    "Nay, lassie," he replied with a wide grin, "It's as good as it
  ever was."
                                - - - - -

*   The PTA at one of the Columbia schools was rehearsing for a play
  put on by the parents for the students.  The director was patiently
  explaining to this one Yuppie the opening scene.  "You've been on
  this desert island for 12 years.  You see this beautiful blonde
  washed up on the shore, you rush up and take her in your arms..."
    "I see," interrupted the Yuppie, "and what's my motivation ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A new shop opened in the Columbia Mall.  It had no sign on either
  the door or window.  About the closest thing to any identification was
  a large clock in the window.
    This Yuppie shopper stopped in and inquired about a new battery
  for his watch and the clerk said that he was sorry, but they didn't
  perform any watch repairs at all.
    The Yuppie said, "Well, what's the significance of that clock you
  have in your window ?"
     The clerk smiled and said, "This is a clinic for the Howard County
  Hospital, all we do here is prostate and hemorrhoid exams.  What
  would you have us put in the window ?"
                                - - - - -

*   His last will and testament completed, the old gentleman was slowly
  dying.  He assured his son that all his wealth and property would soon
  pass to him.
    The Yuppie son weeping said "Dad !  Dad !  I can't tell you how very
  grateful I am.  Is there anything, anything at all I can do ?"
    The old man looked him straight in the eye and said, "Well, you could
  remove your foot from my oxygen hose for starters."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 12:25:53 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Hamsters

Consider the following facts about hamsters:

- They're found mostly in people's houses.
- They come out mainly at night.
- They run around like little wind-up toys.
- They have two speeds: stop and fast.
- They naturally avoid people.
- If you try to grab them they dive into the nearest tiny hole.
- Once they've hidden they can be extremely difficult to find.
- They seem to like living in what basically amounts to a pile of trash.
- They eat little bits of food, crumbs, etc.
- They tend to be brown.
- They reproduce very rapidly.
- Fear of them (and similar creatures) is not terribly uncommon.

Conclusion: hamsters are large cockroaches.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 12:55:32 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: humor <clean & short>

How can you pick out Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

Look for sesame seed buns.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 14:29:28 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: more bumper stickers

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 22:33:55 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: MJ's Money (clean), Medicine (clean but ick!)

I've seen similar, but not quite this.  It puts things into perspective.
----------
     Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a
minute,assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
     Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making
$178,100 a day (working or not)!
     Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
     If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
     If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
     He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
     He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
     If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would  take
him a whole 12 hours.
     If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
     He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
     If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
     He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
     He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
     While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
     Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
     JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET
WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
--------------------
A Lesson in Medicine

     It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about diabetes
mellitus.  "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed
that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus
which means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the
urine of a diabetic..."
     By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw
colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar
then startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The
sample was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the
fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.
     "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first
principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."
     We were baffled.  We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and
in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.
     "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my
MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you
chaps."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 15:40:24 -0700
From:    "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Military Problem Solving  <clean>

From: Matt Dixon <mdixon@ichips.intel.com>

Subject: FWD: USAF MAINTENANCE

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings
that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


Credit to: Matt Dixon  http://www-md6.intel.com/~mdixon

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 May 1997 19:53:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.  After sitting for a few
minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie."  He looks around but
doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt."  This
time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the
chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't
see anyone.

A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any
more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing
this voice but can't figure out who is speaking.

The bartender says, "Oh that...  That's the nuts...................."

".....they're complimentary."


---
Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 May 1997 19:04:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Ten Commandments

>From "giggles"
=============
The Ten Commandments according to The Black Bible

>From Harper's Magazine, January 1995, p. 17.

From Black Bible Chronicles, a new version of the Bible published by
African American Family Press, in New York City. In a foreword to the book,
Andrew Young, the former mayor of Atlanta, writes that in order to be
`truly relevant' to young people, the Bible `must be in a language familiar
to their culture.' The selection below is from the book of Exodus.

1.I am the Almighty, your God, who brought you outta Egypt when things
  were tough. Don't put anyone else before Me.

2.Don't make any carved objects or things that look like what is in
  heaven or below. And don't bow down to these things like they are
  anything heavy. Not ever!

3.You shouldn't dis the Almighty's name, using it in cuss words or
  rapping with one another. It ain't cool, and payback's a monster.

4.After you've worked six days, give the seventh to the Almighty. (The
  Almightly made the heavens and earth in six days. He rested on the
  seventh day and blessed it as right on.)

5.You shouldn't be takin' nothin' from your homeboys.

6.Give honor to your mom and dad, and you'll live a long time.

7.Don't waste nobody.

8.Don't mess around with someone else's ol' man or ol' lady.

9.Don't go 'round telling lies on your homebuddies.

10.Don't want what you can't have or what your homebuddy has. It ain't
   cool.

King James version...?....nope James Brown....


---
They said unto Jesus, "How the Hell did you do that?!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 May 1997 09:25:45 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Members <adult>

    Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
    suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his
    head and passes the three women.

    He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
    husband," she says.

    He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's
    not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

    He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
    "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 May 1997 to 15 May 1997
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