HUMOR Digest - 12 May 1997 to 13 May 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A Few Women Jokes <adult humor>
  2. Waiter waiter <slightly rude>
  3. Afterlife <mention of sex>
  4. The parrots..
  5. Terrorize Your Roommate (3/4, language)
  6. Ode to MOM (2)
  7. The Button
  8. Clone pun
  9. "The Nun"  <Adult>
 10. A Horse named Buddy
 11. Life After Birth <clean>

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Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 04:00:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: A Few Women Jokes <adult humor>

* A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through
  all the trouble he wouldn't have had to face if he would have only
  stayed single in the first place.
                                - - - - -

* I can shoot down the most basic economic theory with just one
  little statement.  Why is it that the girl with the least principle
  draws the most amount of interest ?
                                - - - - -

* I tell ya times have changed.  In Biblical times, women who committed
  adultery and all kinds of sexual debauchery were stoned.  These days,
  it's the other way around.
                                - - - - -

*   The house mother at Vassar heard some strange noises from a coed's
  room way after lights out.  She knocked on the door and said "Miz
  Johnson, are you entertaining in there ?"
    After a few muffled giggles, a demur voice shot back, "Just a moment
  please, I'll ask him."
                                - - - - -

* Have y'all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon ?
  According to the manufacturer, it "rounds 'em up and heads 'em out."
                                - - - - -

*   All of the Metros are pretty crowded here in the Baltimore area.
  One tired young working girl boarded and found there were no empty
  seats.  She approached this one young man and said, "I'm sorry for
  asking, but may I have your seat, I'm pregnant."
    He got up at once and she sat down.  Several minutes passed and
  he was staring at her.  Finally he said, "You don't look pregnant to
  me at all.
     She looked up at him and smiled saying, "Well, it's only been about
  a half hour or so."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 14:02:44 +0400
From:    Chemo Shaks <shaks@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Waiter waiter <slightly rude>

A man went to a busy restaurant and sat down at the only empty table. As he
did so, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. The
waiter immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on the table.

The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked,
"Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The waiter answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our
operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off
their tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the kitchen and
can be much more efficient."

Later, as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter, "Excuse
me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending
too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To
counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched
myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get your penis back in
your pants?"

The waiter smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."


This one was from Ayman...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 12:24:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Afterlife <mention of sex>

Mike and Jim had been friends for a lifetime. Growing old, they
promised each other that the first one to die, would try and come
back to tell the other what the afterlife was like. Eventually, Jim
dies and some weeks later, at night, Mike hears a familiar voice,
calling  him, "Mike, Mike!" "Is that you, Jim?", he answers. "Yes
it's me, and I want to let you know that the afterlife is fantastic.
I am having sex non-stop, with a wide variety of partners and  never
get tired." "That's sounds great, Jim", says Mike, "I would have
never thought that Heaven was like that." "I'm not in Heaven, Mike",
replies Jim. "Are you in Hell??!?" "No, Mike, I'm not in Hell either.
I re-incarnated as a rabbit!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 06:20:39 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: The parrots..

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:  "The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man. The owner says
"Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.  Naturally, the
increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, to be told that
it costs 2,000 dollars.  Needless to say this brings the question "What
can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing, but the other two call him boss!".

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 13:51:22 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Terrorize Your Roommate (3/4, language)

 51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can 't
guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
 52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the
party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while
it lasted."
 53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
 54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
 55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he
remove all of his possessions immediately.
 56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ donor).
 57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has
offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
 58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
 59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.
 60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to
your roommate.
 61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
light bulbs.
 62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
 63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
 64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
 65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
 66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!")
 67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you
anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
 68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
 69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
 70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says
no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say
nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
 71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.
 72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the
mug away, and quickly leave the room.
 73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
"I'll get that pesky road runner...."
 74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
 75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 05:18:07 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Ode to MOM (2)

          (More silly words/phrases that we catch ourselves
                  saying that remind of us of Dear MOM)

 Don't say SHUT UP!
 If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
 Close your mouth when you're eating -- you look like a cow!
 Speak up; I can't hear your head rattle.
 Never leave the house hungry.
 Be good -- but if you can't be good, be careful.
 Eat the crust of your bread. It will make your hair curly and your
    teeth white.
 I resign!
 Remember who you are.
 The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.
 Do as I say, not as I do.
 I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing!
 What will the neighbors think?
 First marry for love, then marry for money.
 Sure, your brother has book smarts, but YOU have street smarts.
 Who do you think you are?
 When I was a little girl ...
 Do I have to send you an engraved invitation? Sit down and eat!
 Act your age.
 You just have big bones.
 But you have a beautiful complexion.
 You must get that from your father's side of the family.
 What have I done to deserve such ungrateful children?
 I would have never talked to MY mother like that!

    (From the 1940's)
 I should slap you from an amazing grace into a floating opportunity!!
 If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
 Fools' names and fools' faces are always seen in public places.
 I hope someday you have children just like you.
 Two wrongs do not make a right.
 Don't talk with your mouth full!
 I wish you kids could see videos of yourselves eating!
 How are things in your little life?
 Don't leave any crumbs on the counter!
 You have a cute little figure.
 Do I embarrass you?
 If you slouch like that, you'll get a hump in your back and no boy
    will ever ask you out.
 You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives.
 This, too, shall pass.
 I don't know why you turned out the way you have.
 Wear clean underwear in case you get in a car wreck and have to go to
   the hospital.
 I brought you into this world, I can take you out.
 If you'd open your eyes as wide as your mouth, you'd find what you're
    looking for.
 Pretty is as pretty does.
 You can marry more money in five minutes than you can earn in a
    lifetime.
 Sit like a lady!
 When are you going to take your bath?
 Do you want a time-out?
 I don't care if Jimmy's Mom said yes.
 Those turtles are playing leapfrog; one got stuck.
 Wipe your feet!!
 Go ask your father.
 Well, if you feel like you really need to go to the mall, I guess you
    can.  Just don't ask me for any money!
 Enough is enough!
 It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
 I'm not just talking to hear my own voice.
 You girls are pigs -- we live in a pigsty!!
 I'm going to give you until the count of three.
 Shut your mouth and eat.

Thanks Day Colores  via Geoff's Joke List

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 13:04:56 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: The Button

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Interested? More detail available at
www.terranet.co.za/guru/orb.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 09:29:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Clone pun

One day, in the far off future, a man met his clone.  They decided
to hike to the top of a steep cliff and started talking.  They were
admiring the view when the clone started reeling off obscenity after
obscenity.  The man couldn't believe what he was hearing.  His clone
is one foul-mouthed individual.  The man got so upset that he threw
the clone over the edge who fell to a tragic end.

What do you think the police charged him with?

Making an obscene clone fall!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 16:30:11 -0400
From:    Jacqueline C Grant <jgrant@HEJIRA.HUNTER.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: "The Nun"  <Adult>

Got this one from a friend.

        One day, a man was riding in a bus, and noticed a nun sitting
across from him.  When she got off, he noted to the bus driver, that he
wanted to have sex with the nun.  The driver told him how disgusted he
was at the man's thoughts, but told him that the only way he could help
him, was to tell him that every Friday at 5:00 in the evening, she gets
off at the cemetery near the end of the bus route.
        The very next Friday, the man covered with a white sheet, waited in the
cemetery for the nun.  When the nun came in, he said, "I am God, and I
need to have sex with you."  The nun protested,  but the man repeated that
he was God.  So, the nun consented, but asked that it be done from behind.
The man agreed.  After he was satisfied, he said to the nun, "I have a
confession to make, I am not God."  Then he took off the sheet, and said
that he was just a regular guy.  The nun then said, "I have a confession
to make also, I am not the nun, I am the bus driver.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 21:13:58 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: A Horse named Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily,
a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy
didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 May 1997 09:49:40 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Life After Birth <clean>

  A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and
  was embarrassed about it. One of the nurses, in an effort to console her,
  said, "Don't feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the
  front yard of the hospital."
  With that the new mother burst out crying.'I know," she said, 'that was me,
  too.'

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 May 1997 to 13 May 1997
************************************************
