HUMOR Digest - 11 May 1997 to 12 May 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 476 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Crowded bus (vulgar)
  2. Men and Women <Adult Humor>
  3. Ode to MOM (1)
  4. The "Orange" Mystery <Mild sexual content>
  5. Humor:What am I?
  6. HUMOR - penis envy?
  7. Terrorize Your Roommate (2/4)
  8. American tourist in Mexico <sick, sexual>
  9. Humorous New Quips

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Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 10:43:25 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Crowded bus (vulgar)

One day a woman enters a bus that is very crowded. Suddenly she feels
that a man that stands very close to her is touching her, so she says to
him:

- Hey, what's wrong with you? Do you want to fuck me?

The man's color turns red and he barely stammers:

- No, not at all. I haven't thought about it.

- Then move along and clear the place for someone else....

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 03:50:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men and Women <Adult Humor>

* I'm usually not at all impressed with my fellow Netters and their
  bragging.  But this one guy I know, I had to render a "well done"
  salute to.  The 14th entry in his fe-mail directory was a woman
  named Annabelle Aarons.
                                - - - - -

* I'm don't know, but it seems to me that all this new artificial
  insemination, egg transplants, test tube babies, cloning, and who
  knows what-all amounts to copulation without representation.
                                - - - - -

* What a rip-off.  I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
  display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original
  French: 37 mating positions."  Noticing that the books were already
  wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.  Once safely at
  home, I opened it (out of sight of my wife) and found that I had just
  purchased an expensive book about Chess.
                                - - - - -


*   Someday I guess I'm just gonna get arrested, but I can't resist
  off the wall humor when people least expect it.  I went into this
  department story and was greeted by a female salesgirl who said,
  "Good afternoon sir, and what is it you desire ?"
    I replied, "What I desire is to whisk ya outta here, take you to
  my secret hide-away, mix up a big pitcher of drinks, put on some
  soft music, and then make mad passionate love to ya all afternoon.
  However, what I need is some underwear and socks."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 02:08:52 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Ode to MOM (1)

                              ODE TO MOM
          (Those silly words/phrases that we catch ourselves
                  saying that remind of us Dear MOM)

 I'm going to give you until the count of three.
 Don't pick, it'll get infected.
 I would have never talked to MY mother like that!
 Who do you think you are?
 I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing!
 What, you want more money?
 Well, the people in Hades want ice water, but do you see me with a
  PITCHER?
 If I catch you doing that one more time,  I'll...
 You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.
 When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble.
 Don't use that tone with me!
 Someday your face will freeze like that!
 What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
 Look at me when I'm talking to you.
 You're going to put your eye out with that thing!
 Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
 Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
 How many times do I have to tell you...don't throw things in the house!
 No, you can't go steady!  You KNOW what that leads to.
 Were you born in a barn? Close the door -- and DON'T slam it!
 Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
 Be good -- and don't do ANYTHING to embarrass your parents.
 No child of MINE would do something like that.
 "I don't know" is NOT an answer.
 Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.
 If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
 No. Beauty is as beauty does!
 What do you mean you aren't going to eat everything on your plate?
    Think of those poor starving children in India.
 You can't find it?  Well, where did you leave it last?
 If bologna was a tin horn you'd have an orchestra!
 Money does NOT grow on trees.
 I'm not everyone else's parents and you're not everyone else!
 Five minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of hell.
 You made your bed, now lie in it.
 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
 Don't make me tell you again.
 Stop your crying before I give you something to cry about.
 Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.
 I'm not Freddy's mom, I'm your mom and I care what happens to you.
 I'm not going to tell you how to spell that when you can look it up in
    the dictionary!
 Life isn't fair.
 Who do you think you are?  Madam Butterfly?
 Would you do that if the Queen were here?
 When I was young we had respect for our elders now look at the world!
 Did you iron that?
 I don't THINK soo...
 Don't use that tone with me!
 When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble.
 You look too much like your father to be my child.
 Look it up in your contract: I'm the Mom, you're the kid. I get to do
    the nagging.
 There is nothing for nice girls to do past midnight.
 What do you mean CARRY ME? I carried you for nine months!!
 I'm not here to entertain you.
 That's OK, sweetie, anything to get you out of jail!
 Am I talking to a brick wall?
 Eat those carrots, they're good for your eyesight. You never see
    rabbits wearing glasses, do you?
 A good smack never did me any harm .....
 You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.
 There's no shame in being poor, but there is shame in being dirty!
 You'll never live to see sixteen!!
 There's someone either dying or being created under your bed -- look
    at all this dust!
 Eat your meat.
 Did you flush?
 I worry about you.
 Can you give me an itinerary for your trip?
 Who are you going with? Do I know them?
 I hate having you drive alone at night.
 Somebody's gonna end up crying.
 You don't WANT to clean your room?  You don't have to Want to!
 You can be anything you want to, if you just set your mind to it.
 A man who plays when he should be working will never amount to much.
 There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
 What would you do if I wasn't here?
 If you don't quit that, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
    week.
 You'll miss me when I'm gone!
 AFTER you pick up your room, make your bed, brush your teeth and comb
    your hair, THEN you can go out to play.

Thanks Day Colores via Geoff's Joke List

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 08:41:41 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The "Orange" Mystery <Mild sexual content>

A man goes to his doctor complaining that his penis has turned a strange
orange color.  After extensive testing the doctor calls the man in for a
consultation and tells him that all the tests have come back negative.
He tells the man that most likely it's being caused by stress.

The doctor goes on, "You know, stress can do strange things to the body.
Tell me, has anything traumatic been happening in your life recently?"
The man says, "Well, I just got fired from my job."  The doctor says,
"That must be it - that's a very bad thing."  The man says, "Oh no, it
was wonderful because I hated that job and my boss was a total moron who
had no conception of how to treat his people.  This was one of the best
things that could ever have happened to me.  I just got a new job and I
love it.  My new boss is great."

The doctor continued, "Anything else happen?"   "Well, I just got
divorced", replied the patient.  The doctor said, "That's got to be the
problem."  The man said, "No, actually my wife and I had a terrible
relationship and I feel so much better since we seperated."

The doctor says, "How about your social life, any problems there?"  The
man says, "No,  I have been taking it easy.  For the last few months I
have spent most evenings sitting at home, watching porno flicks and
eating cheese curls!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 07:13:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:What am I?

What  am  I?  (Don't assume you know what it is just yet!)

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8
inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members
of both sexes and is usually found hung, dangling loosely,
ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy
things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly,
sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy,
moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and
again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found
listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy,
sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning
from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its
long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the
flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is
returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet
another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I ???

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the
riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush. Were you
thinking of something else??? :)


---
Socialist w/knife& fork wants to meet capitalist w/food

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 16:44:19 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - penis envy?

Two little boys were at school and heard the word penis while they were playing
on the school yard. One asked the other if he knew what a penis was. The kid
said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.

That evening, the little boy asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?" His dad
said," Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you". So they go into the bathroom
and his dad lowers his pants and proudly says," Son, that's a penis". "Not only
is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis".

The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and they go to the
bathroom together. The boy lowers his pants and says,"See that? That's a penis".
"Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it would be a
perfect penis".

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 May 1997 00:26:26 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Terrorize Your Roommate (2/4)

 26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
 27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message
was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.
 28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
 29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.
 30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
 31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.
Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
 32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where
is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
 33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
 34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
 35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.  Wait
a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.  Explain to
your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
 36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.
 37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you
food and water.
 38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
 39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
 40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
 41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
 42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry.  I won't
do that anymore, Murray."
 43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
 44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.
 45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
 46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."
 47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can
come out now."
 48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take
it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"
 49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
 50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I
want to watch them suffer."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 18:01:49 PDT
From:    Celsa Hernandez <pass@NETSPACE.COM.MX>
Subject: American tourist in Mexico <sick, sexual>

 Once a girl was touring across a countryside
 in the middle of a province of Mexico.
 Having been for a while without sex, her female
 parts were itching from the urge.
 Suddenly she saw two guys stood in the roadside,
 watching bulls in heat, pursuing cows and
 screwing them.

 Not resisting anymore, she got closer to the guys
 and said in her funny spanish:
 May I ask you for a favor?
 I need to be fucked, will you make me it?
 They look each other and said:
 OK. Let's go to that henhouse.
 They get in, but just before starting the lady
 hands them a couple of rubbers and says:
 Would you mind if you put on these condoms?
 I don't wanna get pregnant from you.
 They do so, and give the girl a great fuck the
 whole night. The following morning, she leaves.

 A month later, one of the guys asks his buddie:
 Compadre, do you really care if this american
 whore bears a baby from one of us??
 --To say the truth, I don't give a shit!
 --Then let's take this fucking things off!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 May 1997 21:44:20 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humorous New Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to airline baggage handlers and food preparers,
American Presidents past and present, Congress, the US Army, Ellen, men,
homosexuals, Cuba, aging rockers, lawyers...

The FAA has announced a security program that matches up airline passengers
with their bags before they board. Hopefully, they'll have more luck with
that than they do matching them up after the flight.

Former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and George Bush joined
President Clinton at the Summit for America's Future in Philadelphia.
Didn't it look like the Kmart version of Mt. Rushmore? (Leno)

The House of Representatives voted to give Frank Sinatra a Congressional
Gold Medal, proving once again Congress can tackle the nagging social
problems.

President Clinton touted the military as a model of child care and urged
them to tell civilians how they do it. Well, the first thing you do is get
more than a quarter of a billion dollars in federal subsides...

Sgt. Major Gene McKinley was charged with various offenses - indecent
assault, adultery, impersonating a Kennedy... (Cutler Daily Scoop) This is
getting ridiculous - in fact, the Pentagon announced it's new policy,
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell My Wife." (Leno)

Chelsea Clinton announced that she will attend college at Stanford. She
wants to be a doctor. Finally, a Clinton health care policy that may
work... (Cutler Daily Scoop)

During a lecture, Johnnie Cochran said he wants students to know that the
law is an effective tool for change. Then he explained how he used the law
to change a murderer into a golfer. (O'Brien)

Tobacco companies are settling the largest health lawsuit in history. They
say they are truly sorry they targeted kids - facing a $300 billion payout,
they wish they had targeted lawyers instead...

The FDA approved a new device, the Nicotrol Inhaler, to help smokers quit
the habit. A nicotine inhalation system? We have that now. It's called
secondhand smoke.

Australian Susie Maroney is attempting to swim form Cuba to Florida -
getting approval from Castro is unusual. For his approval, you usually have
to have a criminal record.

A recent survey says that man are more likely than women to believe that
intelligent life exists on other planets. Women are more pessimistic - they
aren't convinced that it exists here.

Mercedes Benz announced plans for a car with a built in personal computer.
It's for drivers who have nothing to do between phone calls, putting on
makeup, drinking coffee or changing CD's.

Southwest Airlines has been rated number 1 in quality. There's a reason -
they don't serve in flight meals.

The 63 year old woman who gave birth to a girl has given interviews. There
are benefits to later age parenting - they can both get into Disneyland for
half price.

Fabio has announced that he is looking for his dream woman. He wants
someone who is secure, funny, independent and has a good personality. The
sad thing is - the one woman in Hollywood who meets his criteria is Ellen
DeGeneres. (Leno)

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation mailed out hundreds to
"Come Out With Ellen" party kits. Geez, I didn't know they had kits. (Leno)

A new study shows that children raised by lesbian partners are just as well
adjusted as those raised by traditional parents. However, they never seem
to have batteries for their toys. (O'brien)

Grammy award winning musician Babyface turned 39. He will now be known as
Toddlerface. (O'brien)

The Recovery Network, the first cable channel devoted entirely to substance
abuse recovery and prevention, debuted last week. What if you're addicted
to TV?

A TV movie is being made about the girl who had the starring role in the
Broadway show "Annie", but ended up getting fired. She was going to play
herself in the movie, but then got fired again. (O'brien)

It's sweeps month, that time of the year when television shows get a little
racier than usual to bolster ratings. This week, don't miss "The XXX
Files", "Caroline Does The City" and "Sesame Streetwalker".

An Australian scientist has developed a tranquilizer for turtles. For his
next project, he will make something equally useful - an amphetamine for
chimps.

And finally, Iggy Pop celebrated his 50th birthday. As is the case with
many aging rockers, he doesn't look a day over 80.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 May 1997 to 12 May 1997
************************************************
