HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1997 to 11 May 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy Mother's Day
  2. Handful of PJs <clean>
  3. THE CREATION BY COMPUTER (Long!)
  4. Guiness Stout <off to the Irish>
  5. HUMOR - Mothers' Day
  6. Hidden dating signs <adult>
  7. The Bill of No Rights

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Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 02:09:45 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Happy Mother's Day

* Actually, Mother's Day and Father's Day are alike.  Well, except
  of course, on Father's Day, you can buy a much cheaper gift.
                                - - - - -

* After a difficult day of playing substitute Mother, the day care
  provider always liked to just drive around an hour or so instead
  of going directly home.  When asked why, she explained, "It's just
  that I like having something in my hands I can pretty much control."
                                - - - - -

* When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard
  time grasping the concept of marriage.  (I still do !) But anyway,
  I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help,
  and explained the entire service to her.  Once finished, I asked if
  she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh.  I see.  Is that when
  Mommie came to work for us ?"
                                - - - - -

* After a hard day at the office, the young Mother came home to 3
  kids fighting and her husband asleep on the couch.  She sat down
  exhausted and said, "What gets me is why the nations of the world
  would ever want to live together like one big family."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette, accompanied by her husband, went to see a marriage
  counselor.  She said, "Our marriage would have broken up long
  ago if it weren't for our children.  Robert here won't take them,
  and I won't either."
                                - - - - -

*   Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised
  when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
  "Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
    "Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 12:29:10 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Handful of PJs <clean>

A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known
collector of antiques."
His friend replied," Yes I know, I have seen your wife."

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.

A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote:
" This bill is now one year old."
Back came the reply: "Happy Birthday!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 06:16:07 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: THE CREATION BY COMPUTER (Long!)

/* The following contribution exceeds 100 lines and is posted by special
permission of the Humor List owner */

THE CREATION BY COMPUTER

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God said,

c:\>Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:\>God

Enter password.

c:\>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create light

Done

c:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command.  Try again.

c:\>Create firmament

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string.  Try again.

c:\>Create dry_land

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type.  Try again.

c:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\>Create fish

Done

c:\>Create fowl

Done

c:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\>Create cattle

Done

c:\>Create creepy_things

Done

c:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type.  Try again.

c:\>Create man

Done

c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that  creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands.  Try again.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.  6 errors.

c:\>Insert breath

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.  5 errors.

c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\>Create Garden.edn

Done

c:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.  4 errors.

c:\>Copy woman from man

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.  2 errors.

c:\>Create desire

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning:  No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

c:\>Create freewill

Done

c:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning:  No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

c:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning:  No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

c:\>Create good, evil

Done

c:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.  Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command.  Try again

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR
DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.  PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.

c:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth:  Please confirm.

c:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM.  YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh

END

Copyright 1997 by Top Ten Lists, Inc.
All rights reserved. info@topten.org

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 09:08:58 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Guiness Stout <off to the Irish>

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together.  They each bought a pint of Guinness.  Just as they were about
to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their
pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it,
as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 09:39:09 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Mothers' Day

 Things mothers don't want for Mother's Day:
 --Anything that plugs in
 --An oversized T-shirt that says Big Hot Mama on the front
 --Anything that requires baking, mixing, sewing, or cleaning
 --Thong underwear or swimsuit

 Things mothers would like to have:
 --More hands, less hips
 --Adult conversation without spelling
 --Have nutritionists declare catsup a vegetable

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 11:40:01 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Hidden dating signs <adult>

Reading the Signs:
How to make shallow snap judgements -Taken from Women's Glibber.

The trick to sucessfull dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs,those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."

1.Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2.Man gets in car wothout opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
3.Can't hail a cab. - impotent.
4.Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.
5.Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the
  way. - Is a virgin.
6.Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. - Compulsive
  Don Juan.
7.Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. -
Compulsive
  Don Quixote.
8.Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
9.Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.
10.Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
11.Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
12.Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13.Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but
   will not go "all the way."
14.Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful
   gymnastics in bed.
15.Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when
   she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16.Insists on ordering for you, refering to you as "The lady will
   have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17.Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
18.Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
19.Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
20.Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
21.Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you
   sleep on wet spot.
22.Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
23.Changes tables. - Nyphomaniac.
24.Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
25.Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
26.Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
   then try to borrow money.
27.Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk
   dirty during sex.
28.Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a handjob.
29.Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
30.Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment,
   move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all
   your baseball posters.
31.Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
32.Undertips waiter. - Small penis.
33.Undertips parking valet. - Small penis.
34.Undertips cabbie. - Small penis.
35.Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36.Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
37.Cellular phone in car.- Penile implant.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 May 1997 23:27:22 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: The Bill of No Rights

 We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
 along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
 nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of
 debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren,
 hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
 guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other
 liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
 confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of
 No Rights.

 ARTICLE I

 You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
 form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no
 one is guaranteeing anything.

 ARTICLE II

 You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
 freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
 leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but
 the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

 ARTICLE III

 You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
 in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
 to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

 ARTICLE IV

 You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
 charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
 are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
 professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
 another generation of professional couch potatoes.

 ARTICLE V

 You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but
 from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public
 health care.

 ARTICLE VI

 You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
 rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
 of us get together and kill you.

 ARTICLE VII

 You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
 or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
 if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
 still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 ARTICLE VIII

 You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
 foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
 governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
 you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not
 want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant
 with a military uniform and a funny hat.

 ARTICLE IX

 You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
 and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
 advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
 before you to make yourself useful.

 ARTICLE X

 You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
 have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier
 if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
 those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1997 to 11 May 1997
************************************************
