HUMOR Digest - 9 May 1997 to 10 May 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 717 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. English, the Language <adult humor>
  2. Terrorize Your Roomie (1/4, language)
  3. religious experience <not offensive>
  4. How To Woo A Female <adult>
  5. International marketing mistakes <slightly adult>
  6. Quiet bass players
  7. Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF... (offensive to liberals & democrats)
  8. Rejecting Rejection Letter
  9. penny-wise <poss off to very rich>
 10. Waiting Until She's Old Enough
 11. new address
 12. infidelity <offensive to Third Reich>
 13. Wingwipers Whine <clean>
 14. Miners (might be off. to miners)
 15. One Liners
 16. Real groaner (pun)
 17. Fish & Chips <groan!>
 18. Do you think this merits an NEA grant?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 04:23:24 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: English, the Language <adult humor>

*   Like a lot of husbands through-out history, Webster would sit down
  and try to talk to his wife.  But, as soon as he would start to say
  something however, his wife said, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
    Thus, Webster's dictionary was born.
                                - - - - -

*   An American visitor went into a small London restaurant and asked
  the waitress what was good.  She said, "You'll like our roast.  It
  comes with rice and rhubarb."
    The visitor says, "My goodness Miss.  No offense, but you sure do
  roll your R's."
    She looked down and said, "Could be these new 'igh 'eels I 'ave on."
                                - - - - -

* The other day I overheard two foreigners at the Miami airport. One
  was speaking in his native tongue when the other jumped in and said,
  "Look, we're in America now.  Speak the language -- Spanish !"
                                - - - - -

* I have this neighbor named Babette, and she loves to yank Yuppies'
  chains as much as I do.  Her organization was having a big event at
  the Turf Valley County Club where she, as usual, was holding forth
  with her off-color stories, sprinkled with more than a few four letter
  words.  The Yuppettes were offended, so while Babette was out on the
  practice tee, they all agreed to walk out if she started in on just
  one more racy story.
     After a few swings, Babette returned to the dining room and said:
  "Hey Girls -- did ya hear -- they're rounding up all the hookers at
  the Mall today at five o'clock."
     At this, the Yuppettes present started to make a fast exit.  Babette
  said, "What's your hurry girls, it's only 11:30."
                                - - - - -

* I wish to submit a new definition for the term "macho":
  "Jogging a minimum of five miles back home from your own vasectomy."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 13:40:25 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Terrorize Your Roomie (1/4, language)

  1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding
your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the
wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
  2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.
  3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
  4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
  5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in
the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
  6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're
not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
  7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
  8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.
  9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
 10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
 11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home.
Unpack everything and go to sleep.
 12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Help! Where am I?!" and run
around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate
asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
 13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
 14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
 15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
 16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out.  Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
 17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
 18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
 19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
 20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
 21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
 22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.
 23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
 24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.  One
day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh,
are you dying?"
 25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 09:05:53 -0400
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: religious experience <not offensive>

Author unknown:

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all
attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he
turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear
closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees,
opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give
this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a
few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop,
and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 17:21:37 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: How To Woo A Female <adult>

An elephant was walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die. So,
naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the
screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant
stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't Worry, I'm going to
save You". The Chicken then calls on the king of the Jungle. The king of
the Jungle promptly arrives in his RED PORSCHE. He throws a rope
from the Porsche in to the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and
the King pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him
that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken would ever be
in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant
is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He
wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit
(Oh Gosh). The elephant shouts, "Don't worry chicken I will save you".

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is
too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last
desperate effort the elephant throws in his penis. SUCCESS! The
chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climb out to safely.

Moral of the story:
"IF YOU HAVE A BIG DICK YOU DON'T NEED A RED PORSCHE TO PULL A
 CHICK!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 10:37:20 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: International marketing mistakes <slightly adult>

>From "American Demographics" magazine:

Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their
slogans into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery,
"Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the german market, they
were chagrined to learn that the german pronunciation of "v" is f -
which in german is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in german is a colloquial term for a
whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a
highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va"
means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back,
they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty
literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your
Ancestors Back from the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something
that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was
that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later
changed
to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick",
a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for
manure.  Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label.
Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures
on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 10:46:38 -0400
From:    "Harter, Doug" <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: Quiet bass players

Thanks to Don Hansen (NOT the one in the post from a few days ago)

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth
under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There is a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins do not
    have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
    the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street
and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one
said, "shouldn't we be getting back? It would be awfully embarrassing if we
were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets
down to there, Milton will have to slow the tempo way down while he waves
the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their
conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
loaded.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 11:38:37 EDT
From:    Rich Dillon/Cntrct/VGI <Rich_Dillon@VANGUARD.COM>
Subject: Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF... (offensive to liberals &
         democrats)

YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...
You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.
You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam".
You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that
McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.
If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law"  at least once a week.
If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".
If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it
right" during an episode of Oprah.
You call the execution of a homicidal maniac "murder" but call murder
"pro-choice".
You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.
You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.
All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have "Beware of Global
Warming" on the back.
Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful Dead show, but your
not sure what year you saw them.
You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your
bags are subject to inspection.
You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".
Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily
white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".
You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Sadam Hussein would fold
like rookie poker player.
You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Womyn's Studies"
You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women
of this country!"
You blame things on "The Man."
You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.
You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's inhumanity
to man!"
You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.
You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.
You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.
You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.
You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.
You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement for the
90 ,s.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is undertaxed".
You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this".
You ,ve ever referred to "the glass ceiling".
You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering
up:
  Roswell
  the Kennedy assassination
  the CIA ,s role in creating AIDS
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.
You ,ve ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.
You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display it.
You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn ,t lie about something this
important".
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike
because..."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget
cuts."
You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person will turn
it around and get off drugs.
You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.
You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the
unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.
You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a
violation of the separation of Church and state.
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the
defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.
You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.
You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.
You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.
You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they ,re gonna do it
anyway so....".
You ,ve ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any
bearing on doing his job?"
You don ,t understand all the commotion about Whitewater, Vince Foster, selling
US foreign policy for campaign contributions,  it ,s just politics, right?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 08:58:38 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Rejecting Rejection Letter

Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].  After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal
to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been
particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters.  With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 18:01:41 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: penny-wise <poss off to very rich>

according to _Computing_, quoting (of all things) _Ladies Home
Journal_:

Bill Gates was being treated to a McDonald's by billionaire
investor Warren Buffett during a 1995 visit to Beijing.

At the cashier's, the pair scrabbled around and _both_ produced
money-off vouchers they'd brought with them.


Alan Campbell
BRIGHTON, UK
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 12:32:08 -0500
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Waiting Until She's Old Enough

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.  There
was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a
young lady in the back seat knitting.  He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
"And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like?
She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes
she'll be eighteen."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 13:37:18 -0400
From:    John Sminkey <jsminkey@BAYSERVE.NET>
Subject: new address

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

http://www.bayserve.net./~jsminkey

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 14:50:52 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: infidelity <offensive to Third Reich>

Adolph was getting thoughts that Eva may be cheating on him & wanted to
put her to a test.
He asked his doctor if there was some examination that would prove this
one way or the other.
The Doctor knew of a drug that could be injected into a female and would
cause the shriveling of a man's penis should it come into contact with
her vagina.  This drug had no other side effects and would be effective
for 24 hours.
Adolf  agreed that this could prove him right or wrong and went about
telling all his generals that he was going away on a retreat by himself
in the next week.
He orders the Dr. to inject Eva as soon as his plane leaves.

Monday morning everyone is at the airport too see him off and the Dr
calls Eva into his office as soon as the plane is out of sight. She is
told that she is due for a vaccine shot & the deed is done.
Adolph returns Tuesday morning & immediately calls all his generals in
for an emergency meeting.
He orders them to line up single file and states that he will be holding
a short arm inspection NOW!!

One by one the generals drop their pants & one by one he looks,sees that
the worse has happened,( shriveled penis) and orders each one shot on the
spot.

Finally he has one general left,  Goerring who by now is shaking with
fear. Drop you drawers he says & Herman does so.  Adolf looks down &
finds that the penis although small appears normal.

With a deep sigh of relief Adolf gives the trembling Goerring a huge hug
& says,   Herman how could I suspect you,  my most trusted friend.
Please forgive me.  How can I ever repay you

Herman hesitates and then with puckered lips says  MMNNNNfFFGGGGG

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 15:20:16 -0400
From:    Dodd Harris <CDHIV@AOL.COM>
Subject: Wingwipers Whine <clean>

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings
that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 15:24:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Miners (might be off. to miners)

 One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down
 from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
 "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the
 Yukon!" he said to the bartender.  "We got her!" replied the barkeep.
 "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

 The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
 two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
 the second door on the right and yelled,  "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
 roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

 The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You've found
 her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do
 you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't,"
 replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 16:20:53 -0400
From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: One Liners

If Alexander Graham Bell had a dughter, he never would have invented the
telephone.

I won't say that my Nephew eats a lot, but on Halloween he went out with
a garment bag.

The teacher asked my son: "If you have five apples and I ask you for one,
how many will you have?"  My son answered "FIVE"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 22:18:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Real groaner (pun)

(Source unknown)

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule
violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled
around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant
shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was
strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out,
grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite
upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe
that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told
all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was
in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person
in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars
shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the
friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went
home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the
friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her
child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had
swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered
outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding
that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and
all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the
floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use.
A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.  When the
townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again
gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and
threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the
friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go
home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said,
"Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their
belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

(For non-N. Americans: From the expression "Only you can prevent forest
fires.")

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 23:32:05 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Fish & Chips <groan!>

The monastery out in Wessex was having a bit of a hard time with its cash
flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all
the work of the group.

Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a Fish & Chips
stand down on the motorway, right next to the scenic vista area so popular
with tourists.  The venture was going well, and one day a tourist asked
the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"  "No, sir," retorted the
brother, "I'm the chip monk."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 23:40:11 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Do you think this merits an NEA grant?

A poll conducted among INFOCUS magazine readers had established "waka" as
the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <, though some
readers held out resolutely for "norkies."

The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original
authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of
Grand Rapids, MI.

The text of the poem follows:

        <> !*''#
        ^"`$$-
        !*=@$_
        %*<> ~#4
        &[]../
        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

         Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
         Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
         Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
         Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
         Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
         Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 9 May 1997 to 10 May 1997
***********************************************
