HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1997 to 9 May 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 255 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Drinking
  2. Mother-In-Law Compendium
  3. HUMOR - The Ant and the Grasshopper
  4. Guru joke and Seagull humor
  5. Lights and Liberty (somewhat risque)
  6. The Genie <Adult>
  7. HUMOR - offensive to pedofiles
  8. Sex and sports <OK, not for children>

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Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 03:09:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Drinking

* I heard the other day that people who drink whiskey get more
  cavities than milk drinkers.  Well that may be, but I'll tell ya
  this -- we drinkers go to the dentist in a better frame of mind.
                                - - - - -

* Had a friend that stopped drinking completely recently. Two local
  bars sued him for non-support.
                                - - - - -

* Any of you old enuff to remember the "Drinking Man's Diet" should
  know you get mixed results on it.  Years ago, when I tried it, I
  lost 15 pounds and my driver's license.
                                - - - - -

* Had a friend who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of
  his adult life.  When he died, they cremated him, and it took two
  damn days to put out the fire.
                                - - - - -

*   My neighbor, the homebuilder, came home drunk and managed to park
  in the garage, but injured himself when he knocked some sample storm
  windows he had on a shelf.  He got a few nicks on his face, so
  he rushed to the bathroom and did some first aid on himself.
    In the morning, going into the kitchen, his wife said "You came
  home drunk last nite, didn't you ?"
    "Heavens no," he answered, playing the role. "I just injured
  myself on the job yesterday."
    His wife said, "OK then, please explain all of the bandages all
  over the bathroom mirror."
                                - - - - -

* Just remember, those of you out there who don't drink at all, when
  you get up in the morning, that's about as good as you're gonna
  feel all day long.

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Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 04:59:03 -0400
From:    Steven Laverty <100730.3450@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Mother-In-Law Compendium

There is only one man who is not afraid to tell his mother in law where to
get off....
A bus conductor.

Seamus' house burnt down.
He then demanded money from the insurance company as compensation.
The insurers said that they didn't give money, they just replaced the
house.
Seamus then shouted "Bejaysus, cancel that policy on my mother -in-law!"

My mother-in-law came home one evening, looking much better than normal.
'Been to the hair dresser then?' I asked her.
'Hair dresser my ass' she snarled,' I've just been run over by a bus'.

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Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 07:46:40 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - The Ant and the Grasshopper

 The Original Version:

 The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
 his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks
 he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

 Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no
 food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

  -------------------------------

 The New Liberal Version:

 It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering
 grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant
 should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
 starving.  CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the
 shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home
 with a table filled with food.

 America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can it be that, in a
 country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
 Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the
 Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on NightLine and charges the ant
 with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim
 of 30 million years of greenism.  Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with
 the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being
 Green."

 Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
 Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do
 everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity
 he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or
 as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's".  Richard Gephardt
 exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the Ant has gotten
 rich off the "back of the grasshopper", and calls for an immediate tax
 hike on the Ant to make him pay his "fair share".

 Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism
 Act", RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for
 failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing
 left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
 government.  Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper
 in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
 panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent
 welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30
 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled.

 The ant loses the case.

 The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits
 of the ant's food while the government house he's in - which just
 happens to be the ant's old house - crumbles around him since he doesn't
 know how to maintain it.  The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the
 TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they
 are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of
 Democrats announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.

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Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 14:08:17 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Guru joke and Seagull humor

Downloaded from the India Discussion Digest, Tue,  6 May 97

From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@smart1.net>

The Guru proposed marriage to one of his attractive followers.  He
had reached a point in his life where he wanted to contemplate
someone else's navel.

 -----------------------------

From: "Manickam, Barani D." <bmanickam@jhancock.com>

"Want a ride with me!" Bach's seagull it was,
floating over the horaizon, contented.

I wish I could.
"Another day, you lovely bird!
Tell me one thing -
Where do I get wisdom?"  ...
"Not where.. How!" he smiled,
"Read JK, Tagore, Gibran.."

"Age bar!" I stopped him,
"Tell me something feasible, you sadist!"   ...
He flapped his wings displaying
his beauty, "Alright, lose all your
senses and go into meditation!"

"Tried that once. Didn't find it
any different - I mean my senses,
before and after losing them!"   ...
He took an U-turn so I could
hear him, "Hmmm...  Kill those
ramblings and your ego!"

"Then I have nothing left in me!
Please save me, you damn creature!"   ...
He thought for a while, and
looked confident this time,
"Go into insanity!"

"Twice I tried - The first time,
didn't go beyond twilight,
afraid I'll be merged!
This time, went deep into it.
Gawd! Can't come out any longer!"   ...
He sighed,
"You poor little girl,
I'm afraid I can't help you!
But, let me give you this boon:
You are born a seagull your next birth
 - a Bach's seagull!"                 ...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 14:42:11 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Lights and Liberty (somewhat risque)

In the Nautical Rules of the Road class at Massachusetts Maritime Academy,
the instructor would quiz us with such questions as, "When entering harbor
at night you see three vertical lights - red, white, red. What is it?"
Correct answers guaranteed weekend liberty.

One of the class asked the instructor the question, "When entering harbor at
night you see four vertical lights - red, white, red, red. What is it?"
There being no such configuration in the Rules, the instructor responded
that he didn't know.

"It's a whorehouse with a virgin on the third floor."

This cost my classmate a weekend liberty restriction.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 19:00:03 -0400
From:    Jacqueline C Grant <jgrant@HEJIRA.HUNTER.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: The Genie <Adult>

        One day, a fellow was walking on the beach, and came upon a lamp.
He picked it up, and began dusting it off, when a genie came out and
thanked him for releasing him after having been in the lamp for a few
thousand years.  In return for what the man had done for him, the genie
offered to grant him one wish.  The man was disappointed, and asked
him why not three.  The genie replied and said that was only in the
movies.  "Anyway," the man said, "I wish that I would have my Private
parts extend all the way to the ground."  The genie said, "your wish is
my command."  Before the man knew it, the genie took a machete and cut
his legs off.   :+)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 21:03:50 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - offensive to pedofiles

The one question you NEVER ask at Fredricks of Hollywood.

"Does that come in childrens sizes?"

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Date:    Fri, 9 May 1997 00:05:20 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Sex and sports <OK, not for children>

In the Sports Segment of tonight's 11 p.m. news from
WCTV-Tallahassee/Thomassville, the reporter was interviewing U Florida
'Gator Fans about their opinion:  Are sports better than sex?

One person interviewed was a Bubba-type:

"I'd definitely say that I enjoy sports more than sex, because sex doesn't
last but one or two minutes."

Go figure!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1997 to 9 May 1997
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