HUMOR Digest - 7 May 1997 to 8 May 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Religious Humor <adult humor>
  2. <HUMOR> Quote from the British PM
  3. NEW Seinfeld-isms (clean)
  4. Cats <clean>
  5. Indian Scouting report <Offensive to buffalos>
  6. Memo from the "Republic of Texas" Tourism Bureau
  7. Checking Account (offensive language)
  8. My favorite word...
  9. news stories
 10. Attention Shoppers... (not offensive)
 11. THE ISLAM ALGORITHM (May be offensive to muslimss)
 12. HickPhonics (off to people in the south)

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Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 02:17:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Religious Humor <adult humor>

*   A synagogue and a church are across the street from each other.
  The Rabbi and the Priest have been in a friendly competition with
  each other for years.  The one day, the Priest's parish buys him a
  brand new car.  The Priest blesses the car with Holy Water.
    Not to be out-done, the temple members buy their Rabbi a new car
  also.  But he cannot match the Priest's blessing.  After giving it
  some thought, he goes out and cuts 3" off the tailpipe of his car.
                                - - - - -

*   Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church.
  When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time
  was called the Lutheran Church in America.  In order to do so, I had
  to attend classes.
    At one of the first sessions, the Minister conducting the class
  said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin ?"
    I replied, perhaps too quickly, "Sin ???"
                                - - - - -

*   This one member of the Catholic church was having a real struggle
  over the question of birth control, so he asked his Priest if he
  thought it was really a sin.
     "All depends," the Priest replied, "I myself have been faithfully
  practicing it for many years now."
                                - - - - -

*   A man goes to the track and sees a Priest blessing a horse before
  a race and quickly goes to the ticket window and bets.  The horse
  wins.  He watches the Priest carefully for the next four races, and
  continues to win, until he has quite a small fortune. He decides to
  bet it all on one last race.
    Before the horse crosses the finish line however, it drops dead.
  The man rushes up to the Priest, confronts him with what he's seen
  and demands an explanation.
    The Priest just shakes his head sadly and sez, "That's one of the
  problems with you Protestants.  You don't know the difference between
  a blessing and the last rites."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 16:26:04 -0700
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Quote from the British PM

At last something funny, or at least ironic, from the British election
campaign, as reported in Private Eye magazine:

              "I never make predictions," new Prime Minister Tony Blair
              told Britain's Channel 4 television.

              "I never have and I never will."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 13:22:55 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: NEW Seinfeld-isms (clean)

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain.  Why does moisture
ruin leather?  Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?  When it's raining, do
cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!  We're all wearing leather!  Open
the door!  We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word
"ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.  And
I thought, "Well, isn't that clever."  I look in the rear-view mirror, I can
read the word "ambulance" behind me.  Of course, while you're reading, you
don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance.  I think
they're just trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

You know what I never get with a limo?  The tinted windows.  Is that so
people don't see you?  Yeah, what better way to keep people from noticing
you than a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver.
How discreet.  Nobody cares who's in the limo.  You see a limo guy, you know
it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Are there keys to a plane?  Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes,
when you're just sitting there at the gate.  Maybe the pilot's sitting up
there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.  Dammit... I did it
again."  They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to
come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed
here on the ground for awhile.  I uh... Oh God this is so embarrassing... I,
I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.  They're in this big ashtray
by the front door.  I'm sorry.  I'll run back and get them."

You can measure distance by time.  "How far away is it?"  "Oh, about 20
minutes."  But it doesn't work the other way.  "When do you get off work?"
"Around 3 miles."

The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job.  Not too dangerous, the criminals
are long gone.  I guess these were people who wanted to be sketch artists,
but they couldn't draw very well.  "Uh, listen Jon, forget the sketches.  Do
you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could
manage to trace around it?"  How does that help to solve the crime?  They
look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the
pavement... the killer must have been... Jim!"

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge
mirrors my mother put in.  Ever heard of this interior design principle,
that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?  What kind
of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room
in there.  There's a guy that looks just like me in there."  But the
parakeet would fall for this.  I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right
into the mirror.  And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is
another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet??

Dating is pressure and tension.  What is a date, really, but a job interview
that lasts all night?  The only difference between a date and a job
interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up
naked at the end of it.  "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the
job.  Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working
with?"

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking
about at the time, whenever it came to them?  How long would a blind date
last?  About 13 seconds, I think.  "Oh, sorry, your rear-end is too big."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway.  See you later."

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men
are like firemen.  To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're
doing we can be ready in two minutes.  Women, on the other hand, are like
fire.  They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right
for it to occur.

Men and women, all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements.  If
you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm
- all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong
direction.  "I was first."  "Let me through."  "You're on my tail."  "That's
my spot."  They're like the Three Billion Stooges.  But the egg is very
cool: "Well, who's it going to be?  I can divide.  I can wait a month.  I'm
not swimming anywhere."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 14:27:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cats <clean>

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

* One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.
* Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives",
* You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads:  "Leave a
  steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again".
* Too many times a week  your cat comes home after one in the
  morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him.
* You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor  cabinet.
* Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone
  bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW"
* You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a
  prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been
  selling drugs in the neighbourhood
* After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by 
  rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and
  aims it at you, demanding  "Friskies" and catnip.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 10:04:35 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Indian Scouting report <Offensive to buffalos>

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip & seeks out the Chief

Chief,  I have bad news, worse news & good news.

The Chief asks for the bad news first

Scout says,   No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today

Chief asks for the worse news

Brave says, Our land is being overrun by white men they are coming by
the thousands

Finally the chief asks for the good news

The brave says,   Chief the white men taste just like buffalo

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 10:59:53 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Memo from the "Republic of Texas" Tourism Bureau

Top 10 Tourism Slogans for the Republic of Texas

10. "Texas is for wackos."

 9. "We won't have to hold *you* against your will."

 8. "Where the deer and the antelope play...and the weird guy across
     the street is probably packin' an automatic rifle."

 7. "Get off our land!"

 6. "Don't wait for the next comet!  Beam up...to Texas."

 5. "Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed stand-offs."

 4. "Lien on us."

 3. "Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."

 2. "Indulge your delusions of grandeur."

...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:

 1. "It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 11:00:34 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Checking Account (offensive language)

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a fuckin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account
right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked,
"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem,"  the man said, "I just won 50 million in
the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this
damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 15:21:34 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: My favorite word...

                           PROCRASTINATION
P is for the popcorn you pop so you have something to eat in your hands
         so you can't type your paper
R is for all of the reading that you are afraid to start becuase you
     know that you won't remember it tomorrow anyway
O is for the overwhelming amount of time that one can manage to waste in
     an evening instead of doing work
C is for the crying you will do when you realize what types of grades
     you are going to get because you haven't done your work
R is for the radio dial that you are playing with so that you know when
     you do start your work there will be good tunes on
A is for the the grade that you won't be getting on the paper that you
     are trying to avoid writing
S is for the soup that you make when you are done with the popcorn so
     you continue to have something to occupy your hands
T is for the test that you have at 9:00am tomorrow and you haven't yet
     began to study for
I is for the insane amount of time that you are wasting by reading this
     email
N is for the nodding off in class that you will be doing tomorrow after
     staying up all night avoiding your work
A is for the amazing typing skills that you have developed since you
     have become an email freak
T is for the terrible grade that you know that you are going to get
     anyway, so why bother studying
I  is for the inevitable fact that you just know that your work isn't
     going to get done tonight
O is for the outstanding organization of your desk that you have managed
     to accomplish while "getting ready" to work
     (we all heard that one before!)
N is for never giving up on the belief that you will eventually do all
     the work that needs to be done.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 May 1997 18:12:15 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: news stories

LONDON (05-01) - An unfaithful husband was forced by his wife
to parade through the streets of their town wearing a sandwich
board confessing his infidelities.
Robert Hill, 30, wore a front placard which said: "I have been
unfaithful to my wife (at least eight times)," and a back one
simply stating: "I am sorry darling."
Hill's wife, Donna, videotaped the whole parade and later said:
"I just had to teach him a lesson he will never forget. He made
me look stupid, so I thought I'd make him look stupid."
"It was embarrassing, but not as bad as I thought it would be,"
said Hill. "I got a lot of response. Some were shaking their heads
and saying 'who's been a naughty boy then?'"
The couple, who have three children, later returned home hand
in hand.
---------------------
DUBAI (04-28) - A Saudi man suffering from kidney disease had
little to worry about as his two wives competed to donate their
kidneys, with the winner chosen by drawing lots.
"There was a degree of competition between the women as to
who the donor should be," the Arab News reported. "Hospital
administration was forced to draw lots between the two wives.
The second wife ... won. However the first wife insisted that the
chance of donating her kidney should have been hers," it said.
-----------------------
## SCARY THOUGHT
The Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has become fascinated by
the latest discoveries involving genetic research and wishes
to be cloned someday. He opened up a cloning laboratory in
Baghdad, sent a doctor to Britain with the mission to learn
everything about the process and ordered his prominent
scientists to study human cloning.
No Iraqi scientist dares telling Saddam that they lack the
expertise and technology to make his dream come true.
Professor Robert Winston, Britain's leading expert on fertility
said: "Saddam may be in for a hell of a shock. Clones cannot
replicate anyone emotionally or culturally, only physically.
You cannot create another Saddam Hussein. He is unique." -
In other words, there is no guarantee that science can create
another nut.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 May 1997 21:16:46 PST
From:    "Katherine E. Cauthen" <katiec@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Attention Shoppers... (not offensive)

A very timid woman went to the grocery store to buy several items.  When
she reached the check-out counter, the clerk discovered that the price
tag was missing from her box of Tampax.  (This was before the days of
bar-code scanning.)  So over the loudspeaker, the clerk asked for the
stockboy to check the price of Tampax.  This embarassed the woman to no end.  Imagine her mortification when the confused stockboy, thinking the
clerk had said "thumbtacks" came back over the loudspeaker asking, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in
with a hammer?"

As seen in "Living Somewhere Between Estrogen and Death"
by Barbara Johnson.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 03:57:20 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: THE ISLAM ALGORITHM (May be offensive to muslimss)

On 6 May 1997 09:25:32 -0700, in soc.culture.pakistan
bal_thackery@shivsena.com wrote:

#include <intolerance.h>
#include <mecca.h>
#define TRUE 1
#define FALSE 0
 main()
{
   int majority = FALSE ;
    while ( ! majority )
   {
       marry_four_times();
       breed_like_rabbits();
       shout_for_minority_protection_act();
       if (check_for_minority() )
          majority = TRUE ;        /* majority achieved */
   }
  start_discriminating_hindus();
   declare_india_as_a_islamic_country();
}

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 May 1997 00:47:24 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: HickPhonics (off to people in the south)

If'n you's ever been to Hot-lanta, Jawjuh   you know that this ain't no
lie. I know, cuz I seed it.

The Atlanta School Board is designating Southern slang, or
"Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.  Here
are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun.  Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
           Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
       Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
         Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
        Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
                I ain't herd from him in munts."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
      Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in
              my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
       Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
                and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
       Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do
               hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
         Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
         Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
                 tarred."

ARE - pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
       Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
       Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be
               from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
      Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
      Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
          Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
           Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with
                   that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
       Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
         Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 May 1997 to 8 May 1997
**********************************************
