HUMOR Digest - 6 May 1997 to 7 May 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 494 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Military <some adult humor>
  2. Reasons for loving England <clean>
  3. The Jerks (clean) by Patrick Hanifin
  4. The soup (gross)
  5. Malaprops & FireEngines(not off)
  6. Humor:Year 2K Programmers
  7. And they let these guys fly!?
  8. Correct Voltage
  9. Yardsticks & feathers
 10. Virus
 11. Vegetable Love (not off.)
 12. How to photograph a Puppy

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Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 05:15:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Military <some adult humor>

*   The entire company was out on maneuvers.  After a two-hour march
  one of the men asked the Sergeant, "How far to the bivouac ?"
    The Sergeant replied, "About three miles."
    Another hour went by, the men were starting to tire; a second
  soldier asked, "How far to the bivouac ?"
    The Sergeant replied, "About three miles."
    Another two and half hours dragged by, and a third solider asked
  the same question. The response was the same -- "About Three miles."
    A fourth solider said, "Thank God we're holding our own !"
                                - - - - -

* A Marine recruit was issued a comb.  That afternoon they shaved all
  the hair off his head.  The next day he was given a toothbrush and
  not an hour later, the dentist pulled his teeth.  That afternoon he
  was issued a jockstrap --  he's still AWOL.
                                - - - - -

*   Had a married buddy over in Vietnam who received letters faithfully
  from his wife.  I commented one day that was great, how she kept in
  touch so often.
    He said, "Great ?  Are you kidding, all she does is nag.  I can't
  even enjoy the damn war in peace."
                                - - - - -

* A rookie on weekend leave walks into a recruiting office and says
  to the recruiting officer, "Can you give me that sales pitch again ?
  I'm getting really discouraged."
                                - - - - -

* At the conclusion of Boot Camp, this Army guy was being assigned to
  his permanent duty station.  He was asked about all of his work
  experience in civilian life and told the officer that he had worked
  for Dr. Pepper.  He was assigned to a Medical Corps right away.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 12:45:17 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Reasons for loving England <clean>

The years I spent in England made me love that country and its
people. Here are some reasons why:

* I could drive on the left, without getting arrested on suspicion of
  being drunk.
* I could drink two pints of bitter (English beer) with my lunch,
  without getting drunk. Also, it was an excellent diuretic.
* After a dismal failure, my English Boss would say: "Hard cheese,
  Mariotti. You put up a jolly decent show. Better luck next time."
  (Some years later, under the same circumstances, my American Boss
  would say things to me that even Larry Randall, broad-minded as he is,
  would  not allow me to post to HUMOR).
* I could watch cricket and say things like "That was not a bad
  delivery", most of the time, and people assumed I understood what was
  going on.
* The understatements. All of them. One example: my 75-year old
  neighbour, cheerfully greeting me across the fence, with a "Nippy
  weather, hey Maurice?", when the temperature was minus 27 Celsius and
  I was frozen solid in three seconds.
* Whilst there were people fired in our offices in the USA, for sexual
  harassment, I could say to the 58-year old tea lady: "Helen, I am
  consumed with lust and desire for your body and have torrid sexual
  fantasies about you." To which, she would reply: "Oh, Mr. Mariotti,
  you are so sweet. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to
  me." (Actually, I meant it. So did she, I suppose).

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 13:08:07 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Jerks (clean) by Patrick Hanifin

(as posted on the comedy list, edited slightly)
     Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.  A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?"  Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits.
     After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.  When the same person once
more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.  Next to his phone
number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!"  It would always cheer me
up.  Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.  Then one
day I had an idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."  I
made up a name.  "Hi.  This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm
just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"  He
went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.  I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a jerk!"
     And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it.   Just dial 722-4822.

     Not long thereafter, I was in the parking lot of the local mall.  The
old lady really took her time pulling out of the parking space.  I didn't
think she was ever going to leave.  Finally her car began to move and she
started to very slowly back out of the stall.  I backed up a little more to
give her plenty of room to pull out.  Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
     All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked toward the mall as if
he didn't even hear me.
     I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world.  I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted for another place to park.
     A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).  I
noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk
and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
     After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."  I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"  "Yes it is."  "Can
you tell me where I can see it?"  "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.
It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.  I said, "What's
your name?"  "My name is Don Hansen."  "When's a good time to catch you,
Don?"  "I'm home in the evenings."  "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."  "Don, you're a jerk!"  And I slammed the phone down.  After I hung
up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
     For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a
problem I had two jerks to call.  Then after several months of calling the
jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an
obligation.  It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
     I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
     First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.  A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."  I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.  The jerk said,
"Are you still there?"  I said, "Yeah.."  He said, "Stop calling me."  I
said, "No."  He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."  "Where
do you live?", he asked.  I answered, "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow
house and my black camaro's parked out front."
     "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your prayers."
     "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
     Then I called Jerk #2.  He answered, "Hello."  I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."  "You'll what?" I replied.  His
studied reply: "I'll kick your butt."
     "Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jerk!"  And I
hung up.
     Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street.  After that I climbed
into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.  I
turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a
block from Jerk #2's house.  There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police
wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
     A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct.  As luck would
have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the
jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find
the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 14:21:06 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The soup (gross)

A man in the restaurant calls the waiter:

- There is a fly in my soup, what can you say about it?
- Can you please lower your voice sir, otherwise everyone will want one.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 07:51:38 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Malaprops & FireEngines(not off)

For the sake of this first story, you must assume that Pneumonia is Petunia:
 How to catch Double Petunia:
A petunia is like a begonia
a begonia is a big piece of meat like a sausage
sausage and battery is a crime
people crime trees
trees a crowd
the rooster crowd and made a noise
the noise is on your face like your eyes
the eyes are opposite of the nays
the horse nays and has a colt
if you catch a colt,you could get double petunia.

OK....

Why should Fire Engines always be Red? (not all exactly true anymore..)
Well, because:
1 and 1 is 2
2 and 2 is 4
4 and 4 is 8
8 and 4 is 12
12 inches is a ruler
Queen Mary was a ruler
Queen Mary was a ship
The ship sails the seas
Seas have fish
Fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
Russians are Red
Fire Engines are always rushin'
So therefore Fire Engines should always be red!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 12:32:17 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Year 2K Programmers

The year 2000

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the
sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was
finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on
different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks,
but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid
the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was
 very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the
New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he
asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and
promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time
to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That
the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the
moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 13:09:54 -0400
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: And they let these guys fly!?

  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
  pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem
  listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

  Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

  Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

  Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
  Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
  Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

  Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
  Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

  Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
  Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

  Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
  Solution: "Evidence removed."

  Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

  Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
  Solution: "Live bugs on order."

  Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
  descent."
  Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

  Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
  Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

  Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  Solution: "That's what they're there for."

  Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
  Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 18:20:41 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Correct Voltage

The chief of a Native Indian tribe announced that the men could trade in
their squaws.  One of these men took in his 40 year old wife and traded
her in for two 20 year old woman.   A week passed and this man returned
to the chief saying he wishes his old wife back. The chief asked, How
come?  The man replied, Chief, I am wired for one forty, not for two
twenty.

Although not knowledgeable about electric repair, but trying
to show off his manly prowess to another man, Michael Keaton
when asked if he was going to use a 220 line, replies:
"220 -- 225 whatever it takes"


*Thought of the day: A little ignorance can go a long way.

http://www.smart1.net/aditya

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 15:16:18 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Yardsticks & feathers

Jim Mica's reposting of Rebecca Rinehart's "Yard stick" encounter reminded me
of an incident to which I was witness. I was visiting a couple of friends who
had a four-year-old daughter. As we were sitting in the living room chatting
the girl rushed suddenly into the house from the backyard where she'd been
playing and shouted "Look what I found! A bird leaf!"

She proudly held up a feather for us all to behold...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 16:04:21 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Virus

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 16:12:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Vegetable Love (not off.)

            Do you carrot all for me?
            My heart beets for you
            With your turnip nose
            And your radish face
            You are a peach
            If we cantaloupe
            Lettuce marry
            We make a swell pear!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 May 1997 18:16:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: How to photograph a Puppy

>Sent From: KEarlAdams@aol.com

How To Photograph A Puppy


1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
    No, outside!"

17. Call someone to help clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, strong drink and resolve to teach puppy
    "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

---
"Happiness is a warm puppy." said the anaconda.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 May 1997 to 7 May 1997
**********************************************
