HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1997 to 1 May 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 779 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. TOP TEN DEION SANDERS PICKUP LINES
  2. Mrs. JimJr <some adult humor>
  3. Stupid Crimes (WP Challenge)
  4. Creative Answering Machines <clean>
  5. A good one ( offensive to MS lovers )
  6. Peanuts, Altar Boys and Quickies (all innuendo)
  7. HUMOR: Real news <poss. offensive to dog lovers>
  8. Euphemisms for Vomiting, PT. 2 (gross)
  9. Staff Aptitude Evaluation
 10. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
 11. New York Magazine Foreign Expressions Contest
 12. <HUMOR> Experiment on YOUR Teenager At the Dinner Table
 13. Rejection letter
 14. Move over, Dr. Ruth (adultt, risque)
 15. "Heroine Barbarian" (Part II)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 02:17:51 -0400
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN DEION SANDERS PICKUP LINES

TOP TEN DEION SANDERS PICKUP LINES

10. Hey baby, I go both ways

9. Hey babe! Wanna see the THIRD sport I play well?

8. Excuse me is this base taken?

7. Hey I'm good lookin' wanna buy me a beer?

6. Would you like to see my Big Red Machine?

5. You know what they say about a man with high socks

4. My ego isn't the only big thing

3. How would you like to stroke my ego?

2. I've got the bat and balls if your ready to play

1. Come on baby, let me show you why I'm called Neon

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 02:28:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Mrs. JimJr <some adult humor>

*   Like a lot of women, my wife complains that I often ignore and
  neglect her.  Just the other nite she put on this really sexy thin
  negligee, and I mentioned how nice she looked in it.  Then I said,
  "Is that new ?  I don't recall your having a gray one."
    She said, "I don't. It's dust."
                                - - - - -

*   And she's always trying to better herself too.  Just the other
  month the Spring Catalog came in the mail for our local Community
  College.  She was sitting there looking thru the Adult Continuing
  Education section when she smiled and said, "And here's one for
  you, hon -- Remedial Sex."
                                - - - - -

* When our first child was due, I made the standard telephone call to
  the doctor when my wife started labor; and as expected, he asked just
  how far apart the contractions were.  When I told him that they were
  pretty much confined to the same general area and not very far apart
  at all, I thought my wife was gonna bop me.
                                - - - - -

*   My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And
  me being the dutiful lil' husband I am, offered to fix her some of
  her favorite herbal tea.  I couldn't find the damn tea though and
  yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was.
    She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see.  It's
  in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."
                                - - - - -

* I will admit to sometimes letting the devil get the best of me when
  it comes to making remarks about Mrs. JimJr's driving.  We were on
  our way to visit a friend who just moved into one of those townhouses.
  As we arrived, I said, "I don't know where you're gonna park.  I don't
  see any empty blocks anywhere."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 06:09:03 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Stupid Crimes (WP Challenge)

This week, the Washington Post asked it's readers to come up with stupid
crimes.  Here are the winners.

 Seventh Runner-Up:
   Rustling British cattle.
   (Charlie Myers, Laurel)

 Sixth Runner-Up:
   Leaping onto the ice to steal the Stanley Cup from the winning team.
   (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

 Fifth Runner-Up:
   Stealing moon rocks and selling them as pieces of the Berlin Wall.
   (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

 Fourth Runner-Up:
   Lying about your address to get your kids into D.C. public schools.
   (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

 Third Runner-Up:
   Altering the printed value on a Metro Farecard.
   (Allan Grady, Alexandria)

 Second Runner-Up:
   Successfully bailing out of a hijacked plane with hundreds of
   thousands dollars of ransom money and assuming a new identity,
   only to blow your cover years later by joking about it in a
   newspaper humor contest in the hopes of winning a T-shirt.
   (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)

 First Runner-Up:
   Stealing LoJack systems.
   (Sarah Worcester, Bowie; John Kammer, Herndon)

 And the winner of the lapel pin:
   Zamboni-by shootings.
   (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

------------------------------
Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 15:07:05 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Creative Answering Machines <clean>

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line while we trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press; no one will answer!
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
Thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call.

Hello, epicentre of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your
name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as
soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes
the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 18:42:12 +0530
From:    Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: A good one ( offensive to MS lovers )

A good one sent to me by one of my friends.

---
 A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
 Tech: "What's the problems?"
 LUser: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
 Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
 LUser: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
 Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
 LUser: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
        and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
        command."

 10 minutes later, the LUser is still adamant that they are right. The
 Tech is frustrated and fed up.

 Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
       is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
 LUser: "I knew it!"
 Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
       Let me know how it goes."

 10 minutes later.

 LUser: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
 Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
 LUser: "MS-DOS 6.22."
 Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
        NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will
        give you the file. Let me know how it goes."

 1 hour later.

 LUser: "I need a new power supply."
 Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
 LUser: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and
        he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
 Tech: "Then what did he say?"
 LUser: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 15:47:48 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Peanuts, Altar Boys and Quickies (all innuendo)

The Peanut (innuendo)

     One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only
succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.
     As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
     The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
     The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him
into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned
to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What
do you think he'll be when he grows older?!"
     The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
--------------------
Father Porter's Boys (innuendo)

December 15th.. 3 alter boys are standing in the snow with their pants down
around their ankles.... they have their penis' in a snowbank. Sister
Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, boys! boys! Whatever are
you doing... you're going to catch pnuemonia... put your penis' away... The
tallest alter boy turns around and yells... Sister Margaret, don't worry, we
know what we're doing.... Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones
after work....
--------------------
10-Quid Quicky (innuendo)

(For the benefit of non-UK readers a quid is slang for a pound sterling.
U.S. readers replace it with "10 bucks")

     The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening
when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway.
     "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
     "My dear child", says the priest, "I've no idea what you mean. Please
leave me alone."
     A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the
darkness.
     "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
     "My dear child", says the priest again, "I've no idea what you mean.
Please leave me alone."
     He carries on up the street and is amazed when it happens again!
     "Hello Father. Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
     After this he decides that he will go and see the Mother Superior in
the Convent and ask her if she can explain the women's strange request.
     "Mother Superior", he asks, "Tell me, what's a quicky?".
     "10 quid", she replies, "The same as in town!".
(courtesy of the comedy list)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 10:42:20 -0400
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: HUMOR: Real news <poss. offensive to dog lovers>

     UPI 10:22  Wal-Mart says dog meat for humans out

     BENTONVILLE, Ark., April 30 (UPI) A Wal-Mart spokesman says
     (Wednesday) dog meat for human consumption is already off the shelves
     at its super center in Schenzhen, China.  Company spokesman Les
     Copeland says "a decision was made" to pull the dog meat in February
     and wonders why "cooking dogs" is an issue now.  He says no dog meat
     is being sold by Wal-Mart stores anywhere.

     Looks like Spot is safe for now.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 12:03:59 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Euphemisms for Vomiting, PT. 2 (gross)

Dedicated, once again, to Laura B., who asked for it...

Paint the town green

Plant beets

Polishing your shoes

Protein spill

Psychadelic spit

Redecorate the toilet

Reverse gears

Round trip meal ticket

Scream cookies

Shout at your shoes

Spill the groceries

Talk to Ralph on the big white telephone

Technicolor yawn

Technicolor yodel

The Brooklyn mating call

To do a bush (originally translated from the Japanese)

Unrecoverable application error

Uncle Fester

Waxing the floor

Whistling beef

Yabble

Yell for Hughie

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 21:37:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Staff Aptitude Evaluation

>Sent From: "Jay A. Pickett" <jpickett@jhawk.com>

#TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Wood crafters Shop, Nazareth

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you have picked for =
management positions in your new organization. All of them have now =
taken our battery of tests, and we have run them with our psychologist =
and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of you nominees are lacking in =
background,education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise =
you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would =
recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in =
managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew =
has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and =
John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company =
loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to =
undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew =
has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. =
James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical =
leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive =
scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of =
ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind =
and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and =
innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right =
hand man. All the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

----
Our Father, UART in heaven, I/O be Thy name.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 12:33:17 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

                "He Didn't Look Like A Rocket Scientist"

 A suspected bank robber got his free lunch Tuesday, but he may spend a
long time paying for it.

 A teller at Resource One Federal Credit Union at 11251 Northwest Freeway
said that about 11:30 a.m., a man handed her a note demanding money.

 After giving him an undisclosed amount of cash, the teller told him she
needed to check something and he gave the money back to her. The teller
kept some of the cash and returned the remainder.

 "She said he didn't look like a rocket scientist," said HPD spokesman
Robert Hurst. "She could tell he wasn't a professional at this."

 The teller watched the man walk across the street to Ryan's Steak House.
She told police the robber was there and described his attire -- a blue
shirt, a yellow tie and khaki pants.

 Officers found the man at a table eating his lunch. Charges were pending.

Source;Houston Chronicle (c)



*The gene pool could use a little chlorine

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 10:36:48 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: New York Magazine Foreign Expressions Contest

The following are winners in a New York Magazine contest in which
contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new
expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered

J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead.  No kidding.

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON - Lots of luck

APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet

PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine

ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it

VENI VIDI VISA - I came, I saw, I bought

CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here

L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 14:50:26 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Experiment on YOUR Teenager At the Dinner Table

Top Secret Strategy for Parents of Teenagers  by Jim Mica

         All of us who deal with them have been told that
teenagers only appear to be self-assured and assertive.  We've
been told that, underneath that daunting, imperious exterior they
are full of self-doubt.  I recently had the chance to test this
out in a chance experiment around the dinner table.

         Our tribe was assembled for a meal the other night.  As
I often do, I was telling the children (ages 14, 14, 9, and 7)
some "new" jokes from the HUMOR list.  One of the 14 year-olds
picked up on the thread of the jokes and began to use it to make
fun of her 9 year-old brother.  We parents looked at each other
in dismay.  The family communion was being undermined by this act
of teenage terrorism!

         "Say," I said, "Why don't we do Teenager Jokes for a while?"

         The other parents agreed.

         "Q: How many Teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?"

         "A:  Nobody knows, it's never happened."

         Both teenagers looked stunned, the parents around the
table looked like they had been injected with some sort of
revitalizing fluid.  I went on:

         "What's the difference between a dead teenager in the
road and a dead skunk in the road?"

         "There are skid marks in front of the skunk."

         Both teenagers looked terrified while the parents at the
table looked as placid as Microsoft stockholders.  The teeners
were pretty quiet for the rest of the meal.  I'd deem the
experiment a success.

         Why not try it yourselves?  Try some variations:

         Q:  Why did the teenager cross the road?

         A:  Who knows!  We were so amazed to see him expend
energy on something even marginally constructive that we forgot to ask!

         Let me know about YOU'RE results!  But, remember, be a
little gentle.  We don't want to abuse this new found weapon!

***********************************************
The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 16:06:46 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Rejection letter

 Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they
need to put their main squeeze on waivers.

 Dear (her name) or babe,

 I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of
well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available or I become extremely horny.

 So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:

 (Check those that apply)

 ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band
     prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

 ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay
     for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
     economics.

 ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
     truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this
     position.

 ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
     yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

 ___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

 ___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
     after I opened the passenger side door for you.

 ___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

 ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
     however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
     resubmit your application.

 ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
     this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

 ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
     alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you
     are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment
     to heterosexuality.

 ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
     to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap"
     shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

 ___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance
     to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the
     bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your
     college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

 ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

 Sincerely,

 Your Name (Optional)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 13:49:07 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Move over, Dr. Ruth (adultt, risque)

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
 their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
 could not help them.  The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave
 them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests
 and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help
 you."

    "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
 some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and
 you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye
 in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to
 her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

    "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
 room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
 love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the
 doughnut."  The couple went home and their sex life became more and
 more wonderful."

    They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the
 good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take
 the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
 physical exams and the same battery of tests."

    Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
 not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
 ever be. I cannot help."

    "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
 Browns, now please, please help us."

    "... Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the
 office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
 Cheerios..."

Thanks to JLASSWELL@aol.com and Jokesmaster

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 May 1997 00:33:56 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: "Heroine Barbarian" (Part II)

Here's the rest...
--- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion.
She sighs.] It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"! [Light dawns on the
Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh...

Chorus:
He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhe-makhetes_!

Xena:
Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:
It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian--
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena:
In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
[She holds up a tomato:]
And where we found examples of the genus _Lycopersicon_[13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!

Chorus:
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!

Xena:
But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:
'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian--
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues,
and the curtain has to be brought down.]

Notes:

[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable;
Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a
city on the isle of Lesbos--the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of
fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)

[2] parthenian: virginal.

[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was
written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the
alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if
_Xena_ takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically
reasonable.

[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".

[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close
relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.

[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to
rhododaktulos eos_--"rosy-fingered dawn".)

[7] _sensus tactilis_: Latin for "the sense of touch".

[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as _alala_
or _alale_) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning "characterized
by ululation".

[9] sagittarian: archer-like.

[10] omphalos: belly-button.

[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she
had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address
this vital issue.

[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".

[13] _Lycopersicon_: the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. (The
tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in
pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xena_ish context is an even
greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)

------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, Kevin Wald, whoever, whatever, wherever you are...

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1997 to 1 May 1997
***********************************************
