HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1997 to 30 Apr 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 779 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Faith and Religion
  2. Correct Definitions? <clean>
  3. The Top 15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day  <adult>
  4. combine joke (suggestive)
  5. HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1997 to 28 Apr 1997
  6. Funny Bumper Stickers (language)
  7. Program Information!
  8. The Perfect Day
  9. If restaurants functioned like Microsoft <more MS bashing>
 10. "Heroine Barbarian" Slightly suggestive? (Part I)
 11. Euphemisms for Vomiting, PT. 1 (gross)
 12. More Memories of Sea Duty <Not Offensive>
 13. Jingle All the way <rude>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 03:53:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Faith and Religion

* We're living in a time when faith, prayer, and belief in a greater
  power is more necessary than ever before.  Hey, you don't have to
  take my word for it.  Just ask anyone who believes Bill and Hillary
  are totally innocent of all wrong-doing.
                                - - - - -

* And I don't care what the Courts say, religion has always been a big
  part of politics.  I mean every day when I read of the latest antics
  of either the President, or his wife (aka "Co-President") my first
  reaction is always...  "Good Lord !!!"
                                - - - - -

* No wonder so many lawyers are all upset about that Judge in Alabama
  who is still refusing to remove the copy of Ten Commandments from his
  courtroom wall.  I mean think about it -- why just the one concerning
  "Thou shalt not bear false witness.." oughta be enuff to scare the
  Hell out of any lawyer.
                                - - - - -

* Personally though, I figure the only way I'm gonna be allowed into
  Heaven is if somehow Moses misunderstood, and the Ten Commandments were
  actually meant to be the "Ten Try The Best Ya Cans".
                                - - - - -

* There's a time and place for everything though.  I've always found that
  when the conversation gets either too personal, or too uncomfortable at
  a party, the phrase, "But enuff about me, let's talk about you" will
  work wonders in getting ya out of a tight spot.  Don't y'all try it in
  a Confession Box though -- it doesn't work at all.
                                - - - - -

* I'm still not sure we should attempt to update Bible stories though.
  This Yuppie Church in Columbia Maryland has the traditional Christmas
  Pageant with Joseph and Mary on their way to pay their taxes, but...
  they're accompanied by a CPA and their Tax Lawyer.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 14:17:09 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Correct Definitions? <clean>

      Absent Minded Person :
      One who stands infront of the mirror for hours trying to remember
      where he had seen the person before .

      Lecture :
      An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer
      to the notes of  the students without passing through "the minds of
      either" .

      Opportunists :
      One who starts having a bath when he/she accindently falls in a river .

      Conference :
      The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present .

      Compromise :
      The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he
      got the biggest piece .

      Love affairs :
      Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more
      popular than a five day test .

      Tears :
      The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
      feminine water-power .

      Dictionary :
      A place where divorce comes before marriage .

      Cigarette :
      A pinch of tobaco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on
      the other .

      Conference Room :
      A place where everybody talks , nobody listens & everybody
      disagrees later on .

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 07:53:45 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Top 15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day  <adult>

15> Phone messages delivered on end of spear.

14> Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah i am
    a slavedriving cheapskate.

13> A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass,
    Now What?" appears on your desk.

12> When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?

11> First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a
    few seconds later by Satanic laughter.

10> It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the
    bottom of the cup.

 9> Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in
    Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop
    outside of Newark.

 8> Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint
    presentation.

 7> Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the
    Washington Post cafeteria.

 6> Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tightass."

 5> That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane
    changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance
    on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.

 4> Newly-typed org chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."

 3> Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital
    shock device.

 2> While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 15 list she
    forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.


 and the Number 1 Sign You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day...


 1> Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with
    denied charges for "beer & hookers."


The Top Five List: Website address (www.topfive.com)
and mailing list address (top5@walrus.com).

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 16:14:21 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: combine joke (suggestive)

   Farmer Jones walked into the barn to see his wife bent over milking a
cow. "Well", exclaimed Farmer Jones "If that bottom of yours don't look as
big as that $30,000 combine of mine, I don't know what does."  Needless to
say Farmer Jones wife was not too happy about that response.  After a few
hours of the cold shoulder and nasty glares, Farmer Jones tried to cuddle up
next to his wife in bed, Farmer Jones said"Now honey I was just funning you,
don't be mad, let's you know..."  To which his wife replied, " Well now if
you think I'm gonna warm up this $30,000 combine for your sad little half
ear of corn, you better think again!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 17:49:03 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1997 to 28 Apr 1997

Hello again Max.  In re your number trick, this is an old one.  Here is just
one nit:

>a) You always end up with the number 4 after the numerical process is
>finished (a property of multiplying by 9 is that if you add the 2 digits
>together, they always come to 9 eg. 5x9=45; 4+5=9)

Not so.  Multiply 21 x 9 and 22 x 9, add the digits, and what do you have?
The actual properety is that multiplying by nine and adding the digits will
give a result which is *divisible* by nine.  One of the reasons for the 2-9
constraint is so that the actual *result* is nine, as it is all the way to
180.  Of course, beginning with 23 x 9, it once again adds to nine for awhile.

>I find it works well 99% of the time; the 1% is not because people think of
>another country (I don't think I have EVER had anyone come up with anything
>other than Denmark); however, clods....I ean non-numerics...often mess the
>arithmetic up unfortunately!)

Incidentally, I actually did this to a guy who honestly came up with a grey
eel from Dubai.  He swore he'd never heard it before, and he's the type who
doesn't bullshit, if you know what I mean.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 17:49:18 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Funny Bumper Stickers (language)

Most of these haven't been here before...
----------
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em,  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Reality?  Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
(courtesy of Giggles)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 12:08:37 -0400
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Program Information!

A student sent this to me and I thought you all might enjoy!

       Upgrading to Wife 1.0


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other
applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning
Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation,
though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the
nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that
it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all
other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor
Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all,
causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine
before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation
of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta
is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing
day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: A
"don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the
"headache" file An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0
version without loss of other system resources. An option to run the network
driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to
be much more useful/effective. I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of
the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even
here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install
Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0
first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over
shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a
long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains
what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that
all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0! VIRUS ALERT All users should be aware
that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install
and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the
aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and
"never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two
systems.  FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!


Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright =B8 1995 - 1997 Creative Element. All rights
reserved. This 'humor' page may be freely distributed without permission as
long as the address of this resource is included. However, this does not
apply to the rest of Windows95 Annoyances.

"Wisdom is like Golf.  For some it happens naturally,
others have to work for it, and for some it never happens!"

John M. Pearson, DBA; Associate Professor
BCIS Department; St. Cloud State University
St. Cloud, MN  56301-4498

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 10:31:32 -0400
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: The Perfect Day


The Perfect Day
<adult theme, sexist?, off. to the easily off.'d>

 SHE

 8.45    Wake up to hugs & kisses
 9.00    5 pounds lighter on the scales
 9.30    Light breakfast
 11.00   Sunbathe
 12.00   Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
 1.30    Shopping
 2.30    Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds
 3.00    Facial, massage and nap
 7.30    Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
 10.00   Make love
 11.00   Pillow talk in his big strong arms

 HE

 10.00   Wake up
 10.02   Oral Sex
 10.10   Big breakfast
 11.30   Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
         with big hooters
 2.15    Enormous lunch
 3.00    Oral Sex
 3.10    Play sports with the guys
 4.00    Drink beer with the guys
 6.00    Meet Claudia Schiffer
 6.10    Oral Sex
 6.20    Huge dinner, more beer
 11.00   Full on, get down, gorilla sex

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 12:34:02 -0400
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: If restaurants functioned like Microsoft <more MS bashing>

  Patron: Waiter!
  Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter.  What seems
          to be the problem?
  Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
  Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
  Patron: No, it's still there.
  Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
          fork instead.
  Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
  Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
          are you using?
  Patron: A SOUP bowl!
  Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
          was the bowl set up?
  Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
          fly in my soup?
  Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
          in your soup?
  Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
  Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
  Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
  Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
  Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
  Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
  Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check.  I'm running late
          now.

  [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

  Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.
  Patron: This is potato soup.
  Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
  Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now,  I'll eat anything.

  [Waiter leaves.]

  Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
                             ----------
          The check said:
          Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . .            $ 5.00
          Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . .            $ 2.50
          Access to support . . . . . . . . . .            $10.00
          Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with
          tomorrow's soup of the day)


http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 14:52:03 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: "Heroine Barbarian" Slightly suggestive? (Part I)

{Presented in two parts to squeeze under the 99-line limit. This is one of the
funniest Gilbert & Sullivan parodies I've seen in a long, long time. The
numbers in [brackets] refer to notes given at the end of Part II.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Heroine Barbarian" by Kevin Wald

{Sung to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's "I am the very model of a
modern major-general}

[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of
Pergamum  have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and
are attempting  to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle
intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute
solo):]

Gabrielle:
Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!

Pirates:
We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.

Maidens:
Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.

[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air
somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]

Xena:
Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]

I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland--at least that's what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).

Chorus:
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!

Xena:
My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:
To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan;
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena:
I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus tactilis_[7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it--he's
Aware that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!

[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter
confusion. She sighs.]

[To be continued...]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 17:20:15 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Euphemisms for Vomiting, PT. 1 (gross)

Abdominable voorheaves

Bark at ants

Blow foam

Blow the groceries

Bow down before the porcelain god

Brack

Bring it up for a vote

Call to the seals

Call Uncle Ralph

Casting your bread upon the waters

Chewing backwards

Chunder

Clean house

Decorate the pavement

Divulge dinner

Drain the main

Feed the fish

Fertilize the sidewalk

Filling the bilge

Gack

Go to Europe with Ralph and Earl in a Buick

Gut painting

Harf

Inverse gut

Involuntary personal protein spill

Laugh at the carpet

Liquid laugh

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 18:24:22 -0400
From:    Owen H O'Neill <ohoneill@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More Memories of Sea Duty <Not Offensive>

Here are more memories of sea duty from my brother Jim forwarded to him
by his friend Walt, originating I know not where.  This stuff brings back
real memories.

Owen

30 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
   communication should be with letters that your neighbours have
   held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
   or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going
   uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
   the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek,
   or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of
   current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
   information  (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell
   of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
   and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
   look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time,
   to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day
   or night.

10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks,
    then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to
    get back to your favourite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
    bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
    inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
    four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
    to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the
    first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the
    watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place
    your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the
    remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly
    simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms,
    and a new wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
    and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
    grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
    everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
    and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
    power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
    simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub
    the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out
    of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when
    you are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
    Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
    everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
    Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
    simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
    until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go
    directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the
    worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that
    they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab
    home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he
    charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
    blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
    provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
    weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from  2
    to 95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
    needs it or not.

29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest
    reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have
    him skip over anything pertinent.

30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's
    radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from
    excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition
    stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks.
    Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him
    tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform
    them.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Apr 1997 12:31:28 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Jingle All the way <rude>


There is a need to select the most religious priest in a church for a
specific mission. The committee gathers and all the candidate priests
make themselves available in the meeting.
The method they use is tying a bell on their dicks and bringing a
striptease dancer. Whoseever bell rings, means his dick is moving; he
will be proven as impious and not eligible for that specific mission.

The Stripteaser starts dancing. takes her clothes.nothing happens.taking
her clothes piece by piece while performing sexy figures of dancing. no
movement with the bells. she takes her bra off rythmically with the
music. nothing happens. final shot is the last piece of underwear. she
takes it off too and dancing desperately to arouse the feelings of those
assumedly horny priests. she gets no response, again. while she is
dancing naked, a bell rings. she thinks she got one and looks at the
direction of voice.
One of the priests drops his bell. And he steps forward and bows to take
the bell. Then suddenly

           ALL THE BELLS START JINGLING

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1997 to 30 Apr 1997
************************************************
