HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1997 to 29 Apr 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 633 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Golf Therapy <adult>
  2. Welcome to Columbia Maryland...
  3. Top5 - 4/28/97 - "Dukes of Hazzard" Reunion Movie
  4. 10 Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs
  5. funny news stories
  6. Various (warnings within)
  7. The Schitt Family
  8. Chinese Translations <offensive to chinese speakers>
  9. Euphemisms for Male Masturbation (adult)
 10. Recalling Shipboard Life <Not Offensive>
 11. Diehard football fan
 12. Indian (via MIT) poetry about Fermat's Last Theorem

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 12:50:27 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Golf Therapy <adult>

  A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
  first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed
  directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

  Indeed, the  ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
  hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
  around in agony.  The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
  to apologize.

  She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help
  ease his pain.  "Please allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I
  know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him
  earnestly.

  "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
  he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
  together at his crotch.
  But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.  She gently
  took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
  her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

  "Does that feel better?" she asked.

  "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell !!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 03:58:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Welcome to Columbia Maryland...

* I guess all organizations have to keep up with the times.  I do
  think though when a troop of Columbia Maryland Girl Scouts sold
  Girl Scout Croissants this year, that was a bit much.
                                - - - - -

* And where else but Columbia can ya get manicured Lady Fingers ?
                                - - - - -

* They have gone way overboard though with all this stuff about second
  hand smoke.  Columbia Maryland already has the most restrictive laws
  in the whole Country, I mean seeing as how no one is allowed to smoke
  within three blocks of an eating establishment.  Now though, most of
  the restaurants there are adding a non-smoked fish section for diners.
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppie golfers were making a date to play at one of Columbia's
  courses.  The first said, "I have to warn you though, they don't
  allow the use of Caddies."
    The second said, "No problem.  I've always favored the BMW for
  most course terrains anyway."
                                - - - - -

* Pity the poor sales clerk when the Columbia Yuppette demanded the
  hard cover edition of "TV Guide".
                                - - - - -

*   Two ten year old Columbia boys were arguing as little boys do the
  world over, each trying to best the other.  The first one said, "My
  psychiatrist is the strongest man I ever saw.  I'll bet he could
  beat up your dumb psychiatrist with one hand tied behind his back."
    "Well maybe," replied the other lil' boy, "But my psychiatrist
  could cure your psychiatrist of his aggressive behavior in no time;
  and channel all that energy into productive purposes."
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying there's an elitist attitude in Columbia or anything.
  But there are signs on all the roads leading into the city that say:
                      "Welcome to Columbia Maryland.
                              Now, go home !"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 06:10:21 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/28/97 - "Dukes of Hazzard" Reunion Movie

                         April 28, 1997

  The Top 15 Surprises in the "Dukes of Hazzard" Reunion Movie

16> Role of Daisy Duke played by none other than John Goodman.

15> Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane suddenly appears clever after hiring
    Deputy Vanatter.

14> General Lee, repossessed by Chrysler, is replaced with a rented
    Geo Prism.

13> In a shocking scene, we learn why Uncle Jesse's CB handle was
    "Shepherd" and the Duke boys were known as "Lost Sheep."

12> Due to a tragic mix-up, Flash ends up on the menu at the
    Boar's Nest.

11> General Lee always has turn signal on & Bo can barely see over
    the steering wheel.

10> Luke's father is actually Darth Vader.

 9> Yikes!  Daisy's still wearing the same shorts, but she ain't
    the same size!!

 8> With the help of the Sierra Club, Uncle Jessie's beard was
    declared a nature preserve, and now harbors four types of
    endangered species.

 7> Prostate trouble makes climbing in and out of the General Lee
    a dicey proposition at best.

 6> Long-lost cousin David Duke returns to run for mayor on "Family
    Values" ticket.

 5> In a shocking plot twist, EVERYONE on the show admits to being
    a lesbian.

 4> Pro golfer Fuzzy Zoeller makes his acting debut as the Sheriff.

 3> Chilling scene of "Jaws of Life" prying open the General Lee
    after Wopat's beer gut gets jammed under the steering wheel.

 2> The cliffhanger ending:  Will "Cousin McVeigh" rat them out in
    Denver?

and the Number 1 Surprise in the "Dukes of Hazzard" Reunion Movie...

 1> General Lee's paint job?  Out: Confederate flag.
    In: Pink triangle.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 08:49:54 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: 10 Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

     "Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs"


     10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

     9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute
        pause

     8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"

     7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

     6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

     5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a
        rodeo cowboy

     4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his
        old high school teachers

     3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

     2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude!
        We're, like, time traveling!"

     1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 08:33:00 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: funny news stories

+++ RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (Reuters, 04-14) - A former history and
social studies teacher appeared in court to argue for his release
from state psychiatric care. In 1979 Albert Fentress was accused
of castrating a 17-year-old boy, cooking and eating his genitals
and finally shooting him a few hours later. According to his attorney,
Fentress ran a computer center at the psychiatric hospital and is
"a model patient."

+++ BENTONVILLE, Ark. (UPI, 04-14) - The Benton County Jail
will save money on utility bills by serving only cold meals to
prisoners.
Officials claim they have no obligation to serve hot meals as long as
the 2,500 daily calories federal guideline is observed.

+++ LIMA, Peru (04-18) Contributor: Jeff DeStefano [j-destefano@ti.com]
- Not being able to afford proper transportation for her deceased
mother's body, Matilde Cano bundled it up in blankets and placed
it inside a passenger's bus cargo area. The heavy bundle was
discovered during a routine police search for drugs.

+++ LOS ANGELES (LA Times, 04-17) Contributor: Ric Oshrin
[freebird@aol.com] - A car thief was arrested when officers noticed an
anti-theft device attached to the steering wheel while the auto was in
motion.

+++ TOKYO (AFP, 04-18) Contributor: Phil Martin
[philm@healthotago.co.nz] - A computer club has decided to block
access to a newly released video game in which players compete
to spread the virus which causes AIDS to as many people as possible.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 16:14:23 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (warnings within)

Quotables (clean)

     Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is a change in your circumstances.  (Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina)
     We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more
information in our heads.  (Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player)
     "If the grass is greener on the other side, water your lawn"  (Trinh Lam)
     If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.  (Mark S.
Fowler, FCC Chairman)
     Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight
injuries.  (Japan Times article)
     I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves this session. (Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House)
     Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes?  A: Simply
return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock's
weight in potatoes.  (from a USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes)
     Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.  (Batman Costume warning label)
--------------------
Three Tough Mice (not clean)

     Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they
are.  The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how
tough I am.  I spot a trap and go for the cheese.  When it snaps, I snatch
the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa
there!" and he tosses down another shot.
     The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine."
With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
     The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he
has to say for himself.  He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his
glass and heads for the door.  His buddies look at each other, then at him
and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
     The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get
home to fuck the cat."
--------------------
Heaven Humor (innuendo)

     Elvis, Liberace, and John Belushi were sitting around in heaven bored
of their heavenly lives.  They went to see Gabriel and asked him if there
was any way they could get out.  He apprehensively decided to let them go
back to earth for a short while but told them if they even thought of sin,
they would go straight to hell.
     So zap, they are on Hollywood Boulevard. As they are walking, Elvis
see's a bar.  He thinks for a moment and heads toward the door, the moment
he touches it, poof, he is gone.  The others think, Gabriel was serious.
     A little while later John Belushi sees a vial of crack in the gutter.
He thinks for a moment and bends over to pick up the vial and POOF!!!
Liberace disappears.
--------------------
God (language)

     A man is exploring in the jungle.  One day he wakes up and is
surrounded by hundreds of bow&arrow-wielding natives. He says, "Oh, God, I'm
fucked."  All at once he hears a voice from above boom down:"No, you're not.
I am God (as if you didn't notice).  Go ye unto the man at the front there
with the paint on his face, drive your Bowie knife through his heart, and he
shall die."
     The man does as he is told, driving the knife through the man's chest,
and the man dies.  "Now what, God?" he asks.
     "Well, that was their chief.  NOW you're fucked."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Apr 1997 03:55:07 GMT
From:    "CPL FOLKEDAHL, BLT 2/1 ISC" <folkedahls@MTACCS.BOXER.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: The Schitt Family

        I thought you might enjoy reading this extraordinarily funny account
of the Schitt Family.  When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" now you'll know the rest of the story.

        Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.  Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt
Inn.  Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

        Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth.  Next
came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt;  two daughters, Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.  Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school drop out.  Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son,
Chicken Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.
The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

        Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are
awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 16:23:37 -0400
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chinese Translations <offensive to chinese speakers>

 Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
          Chinese Phrase                 English Translation


          Ai Bang Mai Ne           I bumped into the coffee table
           Ar U Wun Tu                A gay liberation greeting
           Chin Tu Fat                  You need a face lift
             Dum Gai                       A stupid person
           Gun Pao Der              An ancient Chinese invention
          Hu Flung Dung        Which one of you fertilized the field?
          Hu Yu Hai Ding          We have reason to believe you are
                                        harboring a fugitive
          Jan Ne Ka Sun          A former late night talk show host
             Kum Hia                         Approach me
            Lao Ze Sho                    Gilligan's Island
              Lao Ze                        Not very good
            Lin Ching                   An illegal execution
          Moon Lan Ding          A great achievement of the American
                                           space program
              Ne Ahn           A lighting fixture used in advertising
                                                signs
             Shai Gai                     A bashful person
          Tai Ne Bae Be                  A premature infant
           Tai Ne Po Ne                     A small horse
           Ten Ding Ba                Serving drinks to people
           Wan Bum Lung                  A person with T.B.
          Yu Mai Te Tan        Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
           Wa Shing Kah                Cleaning an automobile
            Wai So Dim           Are you trying to save electricity?
         Wai U Shao Ting       There is no reason to raise your voice...
****************
This is who posted it to the humor list where I got it from:
(don't know if author or not) wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET (RAINYBOW)

http://wbs.net.members/homepages/r/a.i.rainybow.html

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 17:59:18 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Euphemisms for Male Masturbation (adult)

This is from Beavis and Butthead's Ensuck-clopedia...

Adjusting your set
Batting practice
Being your own best friend
Changing your oil
Cooking some sheet meat
Dishonorable discharge
Doing some rapid one-arm pullups
Emptying the payload
Fathering some pleasure
Firing your squirt gun
Fist-kebabing
Freeing the willies
Getting your palm red
Going back to nature
Gunning the motor
Hitting the batsman
Homecoming
Honing the bone
Ironing some wrinkles
Junior Olympic pole vaulting
Knuckling your knob
Launching the hand shuttle
Lectrifying the cattle prod
Letting some air out of your tire
Manning the cockpit
Mashing the monster
Measuring for condoms
Milking your banana
Peeling the carrot
Playing hand hockey
Playing the pipe organ
Pud wrestling
Punching your way into heaven
Roasting your weiner.
Rolling your jam joint
Roughing up the suspect
Self-whittling
Sending out the troops
Shaking the thermometer
Shifting gears
Shooting some seeds
Snake charming
Soloing
Spear fishing
Speed kneading
Spreading the mayo
Squeezing out the toothpaste
Staff meeting
Taking a shake break
Taming your snake
Threading the needle
Throttle the bottle
Tossing the javelin
Tugging your tapioca tube
Tuning the antenna
Virtual sex
Visiting Mr. O.
Walking the log
Wedding rehearsal
Whitewater wristing


http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 19:27:39 -0400
From:    Owen H O'Neill <ohoneill@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Recalling Shipboard Life <Not Offensive>

I don't know where this originated but it was forwarded to me by my
brother Jim, who got it from his friend Walt, etc.  We are all in a
position to know just how true what follows really is:

OHO


Subject:        How to simulate shipboard life (aka,
Suggestions for the ex-sailor who misses the "good old days")

1.Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
2.Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3.Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the
  curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry,
  wrong rack".
4.Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of
  your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
5.When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while
  soaping.
6.Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking
  chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
7.Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
  "High".
8.Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night.  Have
  your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9.(Mandatory for ex-engineering types)  Leave lawnmower running
  in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10.Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11.Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney,
   making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your
   neighbor's house.  Laugh at him when he curses you.
12.Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.  Store up
   garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13.Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and
   jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything.  (Optional: Canned
   ravioli or cold soup).
14.Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking
   in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
15.Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the
   night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast
   as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose. 16.Once a month take every major appliance completely
   apart and then put them back together.
17.Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or
   6 hours before drinking (note: a Department of Defense, not
   Naval,  specialty RM)
18.Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and
   visit for a couple of months.
19.Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your
   coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and
   back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit
   your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21.Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
22.When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
   baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off
   the top.
23.Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout
   "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep
   all the pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then
   yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
24.Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in).
   Go and stand in front of your stove.  Say (to nobody in
   particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4
   hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured".
   Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 16:44:59 +0100
From:    Daniel Israel <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: Diehard football fan

There was this guy who *LOVED* football.  It was his dream to go to the
superbowl.  One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible,
and he was able to buy a ticket.

Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his
seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game.  His
seats really suck.  He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole
in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least
he's there!

He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that one seat, way down in the middle,
only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty!  Jesus, how the heck could
someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!?

This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on.
During halftime, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat.  It's a
2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat.

He says, "Is that your seat?"

The guy says, "yea, it's my wife's seat.  We come here together every year."

He says, "Well, where is she?"

The guy says, "She passed away..."

So, he says "geez...  Sorry to hear that.  So, why'd you come alone?"

The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me."

He says, "What?  Are you nuts?  You couldn't find a friend or brother or
cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"

And the guy says "Nope.  They all wanted to go to the funeral."


------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 21:14:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Indian (via MIT) poetry about Fermat's Last Theorem

Forwarded from: India Discussion Digest, Mon, 28 Apr 97, Volume 2 :
Issue 1404

From: abhijit sengupta <ov@vanna.MIT.EDU>
Subject: A glimpse of modern poetry / Abhijit Sengupta

Only if, I C'd Regret The Crust / Abhijit Sengupta (MIT, 4/28/1997)

  I c'd have found the proof of Fermat's Last Theorem,
  Only if, I didn't fall in love;
  Of course then I c'd also wear lungi,
  Without restriction -
  I tried once in fact - not that it won't fit or anything
  It fits everyone - you can be creative,
  With folds at mission critical places, adjust the length
  To add seasonal variations...
  A multidimensional Indian approach -
  The Grand Unification in fashion! But somehow,
  Somehow there's this noncommutating relationship
  Between lungi and ladies in general...they hate it.

  I c'd have found even the vaccine for AIDS
  Only if I c'd resist falling in love;
  After all, love is the most potent retrovirus, right or not?!
  This darn thing can transmit thru anything,
  Any time, then redefine your first to last "chakra";
  I'm already part of that epidemic!
  It can make a dyslexic idiot delirious and
  Eventually get the fame of a poet, even can make you
  The world's best cook; for me, I became the chief janitor,
  But you c'd be the babysitter, and appreciate
  The space-time fabric of diapers -
  Such is the wonder of mutual indulgence,
  Up-close or at distance.
  You think you're getting confused! Wait, till love gets you...
  Rainbow, rose, palm-beach, caramel kiss, walking
  Thru half of the globe, her shampoo, bra, bracelets, your brain -
  All in a huge blender; in poetic diction,
  Your life's a big mug of organic shake.

  Yes, I c'd have found the proof of Fermat's Last Theorem,
  But now I'm lying naked, wrapped in a bed sheet on the couch
  And squeezed, happily with no complaints, in between,
  What I call the most wonderful strategic placement of body-fat,
  Behold, an eco-friendly alternative to
                Much needed warmth of the room-heaters!

(c) Copyright 1997 reserved by Abhijit Sengupta

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1997 to 29 Apr 1997
************************************************
