HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1997 to 28 Apr 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 215 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Washington D.C. & Politics
  2. Revenge against store clerk
  3. Humerous number/mindreading trick
  4. HUMOR - Blonde Driver
  5. Religious Liberty
  6. Sluggo Press Release (in particularly bad taste today)

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Date:    Sun, 27 Apr 1997 02:38:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Washington D.C. & Politics

* I think people are totally wrong to say that no one in Washington
  DC has a sense of humor.  I mean look at all the politicians they
  address as "The Honorable".
                                - - - - -

*   I like to carry my sense of humor with me, wherever I go.  I was
  at this fund raiser in Columbia MD (aka "Yuppie City") last month
  and asked the group standing around the bar if they had heard the
  latest joke about the Clinton White House.
    This one Yuppie said, "Before you begin, I think you should know
  that I work at the White House."
    I said, "Oh, thanks.  In that case, I'll speak  r-e-a-l  s-l-o-w.
                                - - - - -

* During the blizzard of 1995 in Washington DC, there was a real crisis.
  Thousands and thousands of crats couldn't find their bureaus.
                                - - - - -

* I just love Presidential campaigns.  I mean when else do you hear of
  men in their fifties being referred to as "young".
                                - - - - -

* And the way Clinton keeps trying to come off as a "good ole country
  boy" at heart.  I'm firmly convinced now that the country was "Oz"
  and not the US at all.
                                - - - - -

* What isn't at all fair though is when Clinton is compared with a Used
  Car Salesman.  I mean after all, Used Car Salesmen have feelings too,
  just like you and I.
                                - - - - -

* There's a very good reason why the ballet is so popular in Washington
  DC.  I mean none of those politicians there are used to seeing people
  on their toes.

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Date:    Sun, 27 Apr 1997 02:47:08 -0400
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Revenge against store clerk

 This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter
 for  two cans of dog food.
 "Do you have a dog?"  asked the clerk.
 "Yes, I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
 "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have to prove to
 me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

 Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on
 it's leash all the way back to the store.
 "Here's my dog!"  wheezed the tired customer.
 "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

 Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the
 same clerk and says:
 "Two cans of cat food please."
 "Do you have a cat sir?"
 "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
 "I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat
 food."

 The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it
 back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.
 "Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."

 The very next day.  The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk
 and places on the counter a white shoe box with a small hole on the cover.
 "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
 "Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
 "I beg your pardon?" said the clerk
 "Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

 Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
 "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.
 " It looks like S H I T  said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer
  replied.

 "THAT'S RIGHT !!,   Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

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Date:    Sun, 27 Apr 1997 09:08:49 GMT
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Humerous number/mindreading trick

This is one of the most effective number tricks I know; if you already know
it, I'm sure you'll agree with me:

Ask your victim..sorry candidate... to do the following:
 1. Think of a number between 2 & 9, but not to tell it to you what it
    is (eg. 3)
 2. Multiply it by 9 (eg. =27)
 3. This should give them a two digit answer; add these digits together
    (eg. 2+7=9)
 4. Subtract 5 from that sum (eg. 9-5=4)
 5. Find the letter corresponding to that number where 1=A, 2=B, 3=C etc.
    (eg. 4=D in our example)
6. Think of a country starting with that letter (eg. Denmark)
 7. Think of an animal starting with the 2nd letter of that country
    (eg. Elephant)
 8. Think of the color of that animal (eg. grey)
 9. Now tell them: "I think you have ended up with a grey elehpant in Denmark"
10. Enjoy as 99% fall off their chairs in amazement!

How does it work?
a) You always end up with the number 4 after the numerical process is
   finished (a property of multiplying by 9 is that if you add the 2 digits
   together, they always come to 9 eg. 5x9=45; 4+5=9)
b) Therefore you always end up with the letter "D" in the alphabet
c) 99% of people think of Denmark as the first country that comes to mind
   (note: this may not work in countries where populations are well known for
   lack of geographical knowledge....no names mentioned!)
d) 99% think of an elephant as the first animal starting with an "E"
e) As you know all elephants are grey!
f) You blow their minds!

I find it works well 99% of the time; the 1% is not because people think of
another country (I don't think I have EVER had anyone come up with anything
other than Denmark); however, clods....I ean non-numerics...often mess the
arithmetic up unfortunately!)

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Date:    Sun, 27 Apr 1997 10:17:05 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Blonde Driver

A highway patrolman stopped a blonde who had been driving at a high rate
of speed.  He told her that she had been driving 90 miles an hour. She
exclaimed, "Why officer, that's impossible! I only left my house about
thirty minutes ago!"

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Date:    Sun, 27 Apr 1997 19:44:21 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Religious Liberty

The John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Award has been given to a judge
in Alabama.

Yes, it's connected with the celebrated case of the judge who refused
to take down the 10 commandments.

Yes, it was awarded in recognition of the judge's bravery in protecting
liberty in religious expression.

... but it was awarded to Circuit Court Judge Charles Price, the man
who FORBADE the religious expression of Circuit Court Judge Roy Moore,
and *not* Moore.

....................................................................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

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Date:    Mon, 28 Apr 1997 00:21:38 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release (in particularly bad taste today)

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 27 April, 1997

1. (JAPAN/NORTH KOREA) The Japanese government plans to provide food
aid through Porcine Panderer and Alleged Celebrity Sally Struthers, who
recently lost her job doing TV ads for fake diplomas by mail. North
Koreans will be allowed to sift through her droppings, searching for
grains that were left intact by her digestive system. "Up to 300 people
may be kept fed in this manner," a Japanese official said. "More, if
she eats corn a lot." Officials from the European branch of the World
Health Organization denounced the suggestion to allow the hungry to
glean undigested morsels from Ms. Struthers' excrement. They did,
however, offer Ms. Struthers an opportunity to help the hungry in the
embattled Central European nations. "If she allows us to chop her up
with a food processor, we could add a ton or two of corn flakes or
bread cubes, and make about five tons of zingy meat loaf! You could
feed a small country for days on that," one Euro-branch WHO official
told Sluggo correspondents. (Network23, 27 APRIL)

2. (US/RUSSIA) Mikhail Kalashnikov, who is the renowned designer of the
Kalashnikov machine guns, was denied entrance to the United States by
U.S. Customs officials at Kennedy Airport in New York.  He was put back
on the airplane and sent home.  An airport spokesman said the snafu was
caused by the ban on Kalashnikovs.  Upon his return to Moscow, the 75
year-old Kalashnikov told reporters, "It was an automatic assault--they
rifled through my things." Kalshnikov's travelling companions, Yevgeniy
M-16, Boris Bottleofnitroglycerin, and Ivan
Tickingpackagenotontheluggagemanifest, were also denied entry.
-ROIDERS, 27 APRIL-

3. (CHINA) The Hong Kong APPLE DAILY mistakenly reported Saturday that
China's Deng Xiaoping had suffered a brain hemorrhage. The hemorrhage
turned out to be a pickle that a lab technician had left in the
formaldehyde-filled jar that Deng's brain was stored in. "Oops,"
lab officials told press.  -SLUG, 27 APRIL-

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1997 to 28 Apr 1997
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