HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1997 to 27 Apr 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 478 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. How to Write a Paper
  2. New Homes
  3. Humor:THE GODS ARE ANGRY?
  4. 133 Ways to Take a Crap 4/4 (Gross; adult)
  5. Bad times
  6. "Honey, I won the lottery"<Offensive to married couples who truly care
     about each other!>
  7. Ducks (sexual theme), Confession (sexual)
  8. Pub-onics (Part 2/2 - adult situations)
  9. spell checkers
 10. But I should be in third grade!! <Quite clean>
 11. HUMOR - not offensive
 12. Bronx Voises

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Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 02:44:06 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty
   of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
   concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with you friend from
   class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both
   walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.  If your
   friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
   irritating see-thre plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
   clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
   grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so
   you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape ond that's it, I mean it, as
   soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
    yet.  Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacker, the course, the
    university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
    plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
    its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
    truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12
    hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the
    Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
        a) Pro Bowler's Tour
        b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.  Discuss
    the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who
    everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thing about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
    trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
    plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to
    write the damn paper.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 04:00:22 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: New Homes

* The things we learn.  I always thought a lot of housing contractors
  were physically deformed.  It wasn't until after I dealt with one
  that I realized they get that way from shrugging, answering their
  customers "Why is this...?" questions.
                                - - - - -

* I don't wantta complain about the workmanship on the new homes of
  today.  But my son just bought a new house.  He said the other day
  opportunity knocked, and did $176 worth of damage to his door.
                                - - - - -

* I remember when we moved in our new house.  It came with just about
  everything you could think of built-in.  It was the first time my
  wife ever had a microwave.  We ate our first Thanksgiving Dinner at
  7:30 in the morning.
                                - - - - -

* Have any of you looked at the new houses of today ?  I can remember
  when, if you took out a thirty-year mortgage, you wondered if you'd
  last that long.  Now you wonder if the house will.
                                - - - - -

* About the first thing you learn when you go house hunting these days
  is that the term "fair housing" has nothing whatever to do with price.
                                - - - - -

* And is this a great land or what ?  I mean where else can you owe
  hundreds of thousands of dollars on a house, both in first and second
  mortgages, as well as things like home equity, lines of credit, etc.
  and be considered a "home owner".
                                - - - - -

* Remember the good old days when people burned mortgages; instead of
  like today, when it's the other way around.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 14:52:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:THE GODS ARE ANGRY?

The Irony here is just too good!
================================
WILMINGTON, N.C.(Reuter) - A discarded cigarette was the
probable cause of a fire that destroyed the luxury vacation home
of the president of R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. and caused $1
million in damages, fire officials saidTuesday.
The three-floor vacation home of Reynolds President Andrew
Schindler on upscale Figure Eight island was reduced to a row of
charred pilings after it caught fire while workers installing
ceiling tile were at lunch Friday.
Damage to the house was estimated at $750,000. Damage caused
to houses nearby by flying embers as the fire raged was
estimated at $250,000.
``Every county fire department around was there,'' said a
spokesman for the Wilmington Fire Department.
Fire officials said inspectors had not made a final
determination of what caused the accidental blaze. But they said
it likely was caused by a cigarette butt left by a worker who
told inspectors he had smoked near where the fire started about
half an hour before the crew left.
``It's a very good possibility it was started by a discarded
cigarette,'' New Hanover County fire marshal Aubrey Rivenbark
told the Wilmington Star-News newspaper in Tuesday's editions.
''It could've been dropped, caught by the wind and rolled into
the flower bed.''
Rivenbark was not immediately available to comment  Tuesday.
R.J. Reynolds Tobacco is a unit of RJR Nabisco Holdings Corp.
The second-largest U.S. tobacco company, its brands include
Camel, Winston and Salem.

---
Do what comes naturally now. Throw a tantrum.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 09:24:56 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: 133 Ways to Take a Crap 4/4 (Gross; adult)

     101. Roll a log
     102. Saw off a log
     103. Seek revenge for the Brown Bomber
     104. Shake a brown bomber
     105. Shit
     106. Sink a link
     107. Sink a sausage
     108. Sink the Bismark
     109. Sit on the bowl
     110. Sit on the can
     111. Sit on the throne
     112. Sjvsdtta en barkbet (in Sweden)
     113. Snap a log
     114. Spray and wipe
     115. Squat
     116. Squeeze a coily
     117. Squeeze a loaf
     118. Squeeze one out
     119. Squeeze the cheese
     120. Stain the porcelain
     121. Study at the Library
     122. Taint the cloth
     123. Take a "Schroeder" (or insert another familiar name)
     124. Take a Doogie
     125. Take a dump
     126. Take a growler
     127. Take a load off your mind
     128. Take a shit
     129. Take a steamer
     130. Test the plumbing
     131. Visit the toilet for a poo-poo
     132. Void your bowels
     133. Zap the porcelain

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 13:41:22 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Bad times

According to a trade association of prostitutes in Harare,
Zimbabwe, massive layoffs in the economy have led to an
oversupply of women taking up prostitution and a reduction in
men's spending power, causing them either to ignore prostitutes
or to visit bars only to drink and flirt before going home to the
wife.  To save their jobs, the association recommended in
January that prostitutes raise their price from about $2.80 to
about $4.60 but also requested that wives loosen the purse strings
to allow husbands to spend more when they go out.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 07:13:42 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Honey, I won the lottery"
          <Offensive to married couples who truly care about each other!>

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Wilma, pack up your
things. I just won the Lottery!"
Wilma replies, "Should I pack for a warm or a cold climate?"
The husband says, "I don't really care.  Just be out of the house by
noon!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 22:41:52 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ducks (sexual theme), Confession (sexual)

Ducks

     Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just
inherited some money from his brother, who had just died. He wanted to send
his two sons to college, but he could only afford to send one.  He could not
decide which one to send.  This farmer also had two retarded ducks, the only
two on the farm that weren't normal. He gave one duck to each of his sons,
and said that whomever could get the most money for his duck would go to
college. The sons went out in an attempt to collect as much money as they could.
     The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working
in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved
the taste of duck. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son
decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't
be able to beat 10 dollars.
     The second son was walking and passed a whore house. He went in and
said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck.  One
girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck
anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She
agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left. He was walking
home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it escaped from the
leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that
hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son
insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in
a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
     When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He
proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the
second son the same thing. The second son said:
     That's nothing. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25
dollars for a fucked up duck.
--------------------
Confession

     One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs to
take a bathroom break.  The problem is that the confessional line is too
long.  In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor over and asks the
janitor to take over for a few minutes.
     "But I won't know what to say." exclaims the janitor.
     "You've been to confession, so you know how it works.  Besides there is
a list of sins and penances taped inside the booth."
     The Priest leaves and the janitor hears the first sinner:
     "Father forgive me, for I have sinned.  I gave a man a blow job."
     The flustered janitor cannot find blow jobs, fellatio, or oral sex on
the penance sheet.  Janitor motions over alter boy and asks, "What does
Father generally give for a blow job?"
     Alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 17:05:48 -0400
From:    "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Pub-onics (Part 2/2 - adult situations)

(Part 2/2)

Since the latest trend for every minority group to have their own
dialect based on ebonics, we would create a translation from drunk bar
patron to English, hence, Pub-onics.  Much like the Romance languages
of western Europe, Pub-onics is extremely gender specific.  The same
phrase can have many different meanings depending on the gender of the
speaker or the recipient.  It is also very sensitive to plural vs.
singular phrases.  Since you could not be expected to pick up on the
subtle nature of the jargon, we have provided extra help after the
"/".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting my life back together / Are you kidding?  Would I be in a
place like this, rocked off my ass, if I had my act together?  I'm a
mess, fear and avoid me like the plague.

Excuse Me (male to male) / Get the f*ck out of the way

Excuse Me (male to female) / I am going to grope you now.

Excuse Me (female to male) / Don't even think about groping me, just
get the f*ck out of the way

Excuse Me (female to female) / Move your fat ass.  Who do you think
you are anyway?  You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one
minute that you are.  Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll bitch slap you like the slut you are.

I m out of here, I have to work in the morning / I owe that guy who
just walked in the door like 100 bucks and have been avoiding him
since football season

What do you have on tap? / What's cheap?

Can I have a white russian? (male)/ I'm really gay

Can I have a whire Russian (female) / I'm really easy

You go ahead, I'll catch a cab / I already lined up a ride home with
your ex- girlfriend

That person looks really familiar / Did I sleep with him/her?

Can I just get a glass of water?( female) /  I'm annoying but cute
enough to get away with this

Can I just get a glass of water?  (male) / Its 9:00 am and I just
stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago.  Hell, I probably dropped half
of my paycheck in here last night, It is the least you can do for me.

Do you have any Wild Turkey? /  I want to make my friend really sick
so we can all laugh at him in the morning

I don't have my ID on me / I'm 19

I don't have my ID on me / I dont have a license since I got pulled
over and blew like  a .4 last time I was in here

Its OK, I'll just go home with him (either male or female) / There is
a good chance that my life will end up as the Monday Night Shocker on
NBC.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 15:12:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: spell checkers

Dear Ann Landers

Sum won tolled me wee wood knot knead two learn how
too spell because computers wood dew it four us. Eye disagree.
Dew ewe?

A.L.'s response:

Ewe our write. thank ewe four a good clothes look at
what "progress" has dun fore education.

---
Learn to laugh at yourself, we certainly have.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 19:59:52 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: But I should be in third grade!! <Quite clean>

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the
teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in
third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his
seat.  Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said,  "I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"  Larry did this a few
more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's
problem.  The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if
he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he
belonged.  Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals
and country capitals that the principal could think of.  The teacher
suggested they try some biology questions...

"What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!"  said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third
grade, I missed those last two questions!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 21:55:04 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - not offensive

Q - What's the definition of a Yankee?

A - It's sort of like a Quickie, but you do it yourself.


Q - What's the last thing a Tickle Me Elmo doll gets before it leaves the
factory?

A - Test tickles......

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Apr 1997 21:44:25 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Bronx Voises

Back in the days of yore, people from the Bronx [a borough of NY City] had
their own unique pronunciation; maybe they still do. Here are a couple of
verses in Bronx-ese:

THIRTY PURPLE BIRDS

Toity poiple boids
Set'n on der coib
A 'choipin' and a' boipin'
An' eat'n doity woims.
- - - - - - - - -
THE BUDDING BRONX

Der spring is sprung
Der grass is riz;
I wonder where dem boidies is?

Der little boids is on der wing;
Ain't dat absoid?
Der little wings is on der boid!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1997 to 27 Apr 1997
************************************************
