HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1997 to 26 Apr 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 692 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sugestive Amish Jokes (offensive to Amish - sexist)
  2. Some Sex Jokes <adult humor>
  3. Top5 - 4/25/97 - Rejected Titles for "Volcano"
  4. Darwin, Top 10, Lost Dog (all clean)
  5. Various Stuff (individual warnings)
  6. Alcohol at Work
  7. Moft
  8. Red Cross
  9. Assault with a smelly vegetable.
 10. Exam Antics (5/5)
 11. 133 Ways to Take a Crap 3/4 (Gross; adult)
 12. NY Magazine Competition
 13. Pub-onics (Part 1/2 - adult situations)

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Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 08:09:58 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Sugestive Amish Jokes (offensive to Amish - sexist)

Two amish women, Rebbecca and Hannah were picking potatoes in the field, "Oh
Rebbecca these potatoes look just like Levi's balls!" exclaimed Hannah.
"My goodness Hannah, are Levi's balls that BIG?" asked Rebbecca
"No, they're not that big, they're that dirty."  said Hannah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Amish family on their way home from an outing accidently ran over a
little skunk.  Little Susie was very upset.  "Oh, papa, let's take him home
and fix him up , please?"  The Amish father got down out of the buggy and
scooped up the skunk, "Here now Susie, put the little skunk under your dress
to keep him warm till we get home."  "But Papa said Susie, What about the
smell?" Papa replied"Oh,now Susie you just reach up under there and pinch
his little nose shut, he won't mind the smell then."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 03:44:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Some Sex Jokes <adult humor>

* The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
  weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.  She smiled
  and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
                                - - - - -

* This winter I came to the conclusion that my sex drive is definitely
  too high.  I'd look at a pretty woman and think that: under her coat,
  sweater, dress, slip, pantyhose and underwear, she was stark naked.
                                - - - - -

* Those of us from my generation often speak of the "good old days".
  Well, oddly enuff, if the truth be known, we weren't all that good,
  we weren't old at all, and we're actually talking about the nights.
                                - - - - -

* I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
  always referred to in theatrical terms.  For example, surely you've
  heard men refer to their "performance".  Well, even these days I
  don't have a lot of trouble with that.  But...  since I'm now past
  fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.
                                - - - - -

* And parents these days seem to want to educate their children to the
  "facts of life" at a younger and younger age.  I do think however the
  sex manual that comes with a box of crayons is a bit much.
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but...
  she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
                                - - - - -

* Baltimore City is moving towards licensing all massage pallors.  I've
  already got my application in to be on the Examining Board.  And if
  they follow thru on the plan to also license all the "Strippers" on
  the world famous "Baltimore's Block", uh, don't wait dinner -- hear ?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 06:00:53 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/25/97 - Rejected Titles for "Volcano"


      The Top 15 Rejected Slogans for the Movie "Volcano"

15> "You've Never Cheered For a Volcano... UNTIL NOW!!!" 

14> "Ever wonder where all the really stupid geologists live?
     Wonder no more!" 

13> "Whoa, like, downtown's blowin' chunks, Dude!"

12> "Volcano - The biggest thing in L.A. since John Holmes died."

11> "Beats the Crap Out of 'Dante's Peak,' *PLUS* There's No
     Pierce Brosnan!"

10> "Oozing eruptions, burning flows and gaseous emissions --
     Imagine what L.A. would be like if we threw in a volcano!"

 9> "Show me the Magma!"

 8> "The Giants win the pennant!  The Giants win the pennant!"

 7> "L.A. is Flamb=E9!"

 6> "And the 405 is backed up to the 10 due to a volcanic
     explosion.  Over on the 610 interchange..."

 5> "120 Minutes of Melting Artificial Breasts!"

 4> "L.A. BLOWS!"

 3> "This Time, It's NOT a Dry Heat!"

 2> "Earthquake, Schmearthquake"

   and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for the Movie "Volcano"...

 1> "Beverly Hills, 90210 Degrees" 

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

----------------------------------------------------------------
                   Ruminations & Ponderances

        Why not drink a whole bottle of battery acid,
             and THEN get swallowed by a python?
                    Boy, the joke's on him!

                    (Thanks to Barbara Rush) 

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 13:07:19 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Darwin, Top 10, Lost Dog (all clean)

     There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These
are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most
commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers"
(supposedly prettier than wood towers).  Sometimes adventurous folks climb
the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air.  Most stay away
from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
     Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his
girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a
tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower
south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed  it.
     Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat
there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised
ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5
beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business
right there off the tower.
     Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order
to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those
supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
     When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up
his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up
to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
     The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and
sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of
the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of
his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
--------------------
-= 4/23/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
  -= Top Ten Signs your kid is spending way too much time on his computer=-
10. Named his hamsters "I","B","M"
 9. Every day after school, eats his weight in slicon chips 'n' sals
 8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like
David Duchovny
 7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus
 6. Refers to having sex as "Logging On"
 5. His name: Carl.  His Nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl"
 4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel
 3. He calls you "WWW.DADDY.COM"
 2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates
 1. 2 Words: "Cyber Acne"
Do you like these?  Then visit: http://www.webslingerz.net/ (posted with
permission)
--------------------
Yet another one seen as an advert in a Newspaper (courtesy of my wife's
Uncle, who saw this in the UK):
     LOST:  My beloved three legged dog, which is blind in one eye because
of involvement in a fight, has no molars because of having an altercation
with a washing line pole, lost his tail when narrowly missed by a train and
deaf due to a gun accident.  Answers to the name of 'Lucky'.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 16:52:05 +0200
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Various Stuff (individual warnings)

(1)
Sub: Theory of relativity (may be off to Einstein & scientists)
----------------------------------------------------------------
We all know Einstein came up with the theory of Relativity..........
Anyway, in a joke told to Einstein, one Jew explains relativity to
another:

"Supposing an old lady sits in your lap for a minute, a minute seems
like an hour. But if a beautiful girl sits in your lap for an hour, an
hour seems like a minute."
"And this is relativity?" asks his companion. Then, on hearing the
affirmative, asks incredulously: "And from this he earns a living??"

Einstein enjoyed the story hugely.
                        ----------------

(2)
A Judge roared in the court "Order! Order! "
The accused said  "Okay, I want one bread sandwich with coffee"
                        ----------------

(3)
A man walking on the street stops a person and asks "Sir! is that person
there with a small hair and wearing shorts playing football a girl or a
boy ?

He gets an answer "She is a girl and my daughter also"

The man is apologetic and says "Sorry, I did not know you were her
father. The person replies "I'm her mother"
                        ----------------

(4)
A man was boasting to his friend "I throw myself enthusiastically into
whatever I do"

His bored friend replied "Go and Dig a well"
                        ----------------

(5)
Sub: Graveyard (off to lawyers)
-------------------------------
A man was watching a stone on a grave which had a sentence written like
this HERE LIES A LAWYER, AN HONEST MAN.

The man called the incharge and asked him, How come, you are putting two
dead men in one grave ?
                        ----------------

(6)
My lawyer is so great a guy that once when he handled a case he confused
everybody so much that the judge got arrested
                        ----------------

(7)
Sub: Motorcycle ride (off to christians)
----------------------------------------
2 priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a Policeman who said "What do you think you are doing ? What
if you have an accident ?"

The priests say "Don't worry my son. Jesus is with us"

The Policeman says "In that case I have to book you. 3 people are not
allowed to ride in a motorcycle"
                        ----------------

(8)
A conversation between 2 pschyiatrists who meet after a long time

"You are fine, How am I" ?
                        ----------------

(9)
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place
and shouts "Why are you crossing here. Can't you see a zebra crossing
there".

The guy replies "Let the zebra cross. What can I do"
                        ----------------

(10)
Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of a board which
said  "FINE FOR PARKING"
                        ----------------


(11)
Sub: Rebirth (off to everyone)
 -----------------------------
The moment a man entered his office his boss asked " Do you believe in
re-birth".

The man answers "Yes"

The boss says "then its okay because your grandfather had come here
after you left for his funeral"
                        ----------------

(12)
Sub: Weighing Machine message (off to fat people)
-------------------------------------------------

There was this fat man who got a message from the weighing machine when
he climbed on it. "ONE AT A TIME PLEASE"
                        ----------------

(13)
Student:  I hear that fish is brain food.
Roommate: Yeah, I eat it all the time.
Student:  Well, there goes another theory.
                        ----------------

(14)
Father:  Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother:  Probably.  I still have all mine.

                        ----------------
(15)
Don:  She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
Art:   Then she's just the girl for you.
                        ----------------

(16)
Sub: Picnic (off to wives)
--------------------------
There was this couple who went into a jungle for a picnic. The Husband
is being pulled away suddenly by a crocodile. He shouts "SHOOT QUICKLY".
The wife cooly says "Where is the Camera"
                        ----------------

(17)
Sub: Interview (may be off to interviewers)
------------------------------------
A guy goes to an interview. He is asked "Where would you like to
be in our organization". The candidate replied "In the interview
board". The interviewer says "Are you mad ?". The candidate asks
"Is it one of the prerequisites" ?
                        ----------------

(18)
A drunk was hauled into court.  "Mister," the judge began, "you've
been brought here for drinking."

"Great," the drunk exclaimed.  "When do we get started?"
                        ----------------

(19)
A policeman spotted a woman driving  and knitting at the same time.
Coming up  beside her, he said, "Pull over!"

"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
                        ----------------

I went to Rome to hear POPE music

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 11:25:42 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Alcohol at Work

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the
premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

 1.  It's an incentive to show up.
 2.  It reduces stress.
 3.  It leads to more honest communications.
 4.  It reduces complaints about low pay.
 5.  It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
 6.  Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
     to hear.
 7.  It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 8.  It encourages carpooling.
 9.  Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't
     care.
10.  It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11.  It makes fellow employees look better.
12.  It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13.  Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14.  Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15.  Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16.  No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 18:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Moft

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft"
which will clear up space on users' hard disks. It is estimated that a
typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of
the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence
agreements, 'About' screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files
containing nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc. So, after
the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock
prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the
announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said
Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The
change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14,
thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also
looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for
instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged
long filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames
underneath. He did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a little
ugly.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential
savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win
95'.

---
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 14:16:15 -0400
From:    Robert Riddle <RRIDDLESR1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Red Cross

	[Post removed for Archival Purposes] 

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 14:18:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Assault with a smelly vegetable.

Reuters (from The Ottawa Citizen, April 19, 1997)

Australian man tried to repel police with garlic.

 SYDNEY, Australia - A man who reached for a clove of garlic as a first
line of defense against a traffic offense has breathed new life into
arguments over what constitutes assault.
 Local media reported yesterday that Jeff Pearce was convicted of assault
in a Perth court after admitting he had deliberately chewed a clove of
garlic and then breathed in a police officer's face after being pulled
over for a traffic violation.
 A section of the local criminal code defines assault as the direct or
indirect application of force, including gas or odour, in such a manner
as to cause personal discomfort.
 Mr. Pearce testified in court that a friend told him the best way to
repel police was to chew garlic and breath on them.
 Mr. Pearce then kept a clove of garlic on the dashboard of his car for
just such an occasion.
 But when Mr. Pearce was pulled over by police for a smoking exhaust,
the garlic did not prevent his arrest for drunk driving.
 He was later charged with assaulting Const. Darren Horn, who told the
court he had long endured such jibes as "a clove a day keeps the coppers
away."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 17:26:47 -0400
From:    Nermie <glierjl@MIAVX1.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: Exam Antics (5/5)

                              Exam Antics

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e.  you are going
 to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)


40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer.  Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.


42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
    do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol.  Put it right next to you.
    Pray to it often.  Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...  sent
    to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you.  Desks, chairs,
    anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
    degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.  If you are
    asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student
    Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
    musical instruments during finals.  Don't forget to use the phrase
    "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 17:54:02 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: 133 Ways to Take a Crap 3/4 (Gross; adult)

      71. Load the crapper
      72. Log out
      73. Make a core dump
      74. Make a delivery
      75. Make a deposit
      76. Make a deposit at the porcelain bank
      77. Make a doo-doo
      78. Make a log entry
      79. Make grunt sculpture
      80. Make mud
      81. Make room for lunch
      82. Make some fertilizer
      83. Offload some freight
      84. Pack your underwear
      85. Paint the bowl (especially for a really wet one)
      86. Paint with the brown stuff
      87. Park some bark
      88. Park your breakfast
      89. People who like sausages shouldn't see how they're made!!
      90. Pinch a loaf
      91. Plant some corn
      92. Play at the Toilet Bowl
      93. Poke the turtle's head out
      94. Poop
      95. Punish the porcelain
      96. Put fruit in the bowl
      97. Recycle fiber
      98. Release your payload
      99. Ride the hoop
     100. Roll a Nut Log

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 16:05:23 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: NY Magazine Competition

>From: Varda Ullman Novick <vunovick@netcom.com>

Subject: NY Magazine Competition
April 14 highlights

(In which you were asked to invent the name of a cloned person, place or
thing.)

Scionfeld
Mirror Sorvino
Hale-ReBopp
Gemini Cricket
The Likeness Monster
Il Copy Di Tutti Capi
Robocopy
Orrin Hatched
Forgery Lee Lewis
Umberto Echo
Analogue Karenina
Haagen-Dos
Sandy Koufacsimile


Jack Kolb; Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 19:23:05 -0400
From:    "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Pub-onics (Part 1/2 - adult situations)

(Part 1/2)

Since the latest trend for every minority group to have their own
dialect based on ebonics, we would create a translation from drunk bar
patron to English, hence, Pub-onics.  Much like the Romance languages
of western Europe, Pub-onics is extremely gender specific.  The same
phrase can have many different meanings depending on the gender of the
speaker or the recipient.  It is also very sensitive to plural vs.
singular phrases.  Since you could not be expected to pick up on the
subtle nature of the jargon, we have provided extra help after the
"/".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

No, really, I'm OK to drive / Im wasted and should have someone bring
me home but I am too embarrased to have anybody see who I am going
home with.

I'm not used to these darts / I'm not used to throwing anything
smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed

Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes (w/ opposite sex) /  You
would look great face down in my lap.

You get this one, Next round is on me / We won't be here long enough
to get another round

I'll get this one, next one is on you / This place has dollar drafts
and beers are $4.50 a  pop at the next bar

I haven't seen you around here for a long time / You stuck up little
bitch, too good for your old friends??

Hey, where is that friend of yours? / I have no interest whatsoever in
talking to you other than your as a way to get your friend into a
compromising position

Lets get out of here / I just dumped a half a picther of beer into
that harley guy's helmet

Can I get a glass of white zinfindel (female) / I'm easy

Can I get a glass of white zinfindel (male) / I'm gay

Ever try a body shot? (Male to female) / I am even willing to do a
tequilla shot if it means that I get to lick you

Ever try a body shot? (Female to male) /  If this is how wild I am in
the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys / Take a good look now because
next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton

I dont feel well, lets go home (female) / You are paying more
attention to your friends than me

I dont feel well, lets go home (male) /  I'm horny

I've had like 10 beers already / I've only had 3 but I need an excuse
to behave this way

Who's got the next round?  / I havent bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention

(to be continued ...)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1997 to 26 Apr 1997
************************************************
