HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1997 to 25 Apr 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 480 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Mrs JimJr & Wives
  2. 486 SYSTEM
  3. Top 10 (language), One-Liners (clean), Math (clean)
  4. gross, offensive to decent people everywhere
  5. Humor: Passover
  6. Surgery humor (nonoffensive)
  7. Chicken Stories
  8. HUMOR: stupid library tricks <not off.>
  9. Hale-Bopp-inspired Bumper Sticker
 10. 133 Ways to Take a Crap, 2/4 (Gross; adult)
 11. Steady,There! <clean>
 12. The Bible According to Johnny (Funny but not offensive)

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Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 04:09:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Mrs JimJr & Wives

* I guess we all get in somewhat of a rut from time to time, but
  I vowed just the other day to get out more often and maybe even do
  some traveling.  You see, my wife has kept a diary since she was a
  teenager.  Now I've always respected her privacy, but it was just
  too tempting.  She was outside tending to her flowers and I happened
  to see the diary open on the kitchen table.  I couldn't resist and
  quickly took a peek.  There were like 114 pages of nothing but ditto
  marks for this year alone.
                                - - - - -

* If your wife doesn't feel well gentlemen, do what I do to speed her
  recovery -- offer to help with the housework.  If you don't think
  there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, you oughta see my wife
  get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.
                                - - - - -

* But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ?
  A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer
  controls the weather.
                                - - - - -

* A recent study showed that the average husband only actual speaks to
  his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.  Well, yeah, I can
  believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or
  "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
                                - - - - -

* I never realized just how many vitamin and mineral supplements my wife
  was taking these days until just the other morning she got out of bed,
  stretched and then slowly turned North.
                                - - - - -

* My wife is redecorating our house again.  We'd had this house about
  twelve years now, and I can't say how many times she's done it over,
  but so far, she's never had to dust.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 05:47:19 -0400
From:    Robert Riddle <RRIDDLESR1@AOL.COM>
Subject: 486 SYSTEM

 A 486 TOWER SYSTEM
(and earlier and other kinds)

IF YOU STILL USE IT AND/OR
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET THE BOSS TO UPGRADE
1.  Successfully think it is a faster unit by slowing down YOUR
           thought processes by 75%.
2.  Post a sign on it that reads "Caution: SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
3.  Use the 4x CD tray as a Mega-Cup holder.
4.  Draw a bulls-eye on the side and toss powerful magnets at it.
5.  Set that leaking paper cup of hot coffee on top of it.
6.  Drill a hole in the face and install a battery clock that
           operates at half speed.
7.  Install a 56k modem in it and watch the whole works go up in smoke.
8.  suggest to the boss he donate it to the archeology dep't of a
           local university as a specimen.
9.   Trade it in for one gross (144)  preformatted floppys.
10.  A little changing around inside and hey,
              you have a deskside microwave.
11.  Resign yourself to slow loading, and sign up for AOL.
12.    <Lift that monitor up to eye level.>
13.   use it as a footrest under the desk.

IF YOU'VE UPGRADED AND  CAN'T STAND TO PART WITH IT
4. Use it as a decoy for burglars.
1. Bronze it.
2.Hollow it out and:
          a.  use it to grow mushrooms.
          b.  build little shelves in it to store CDs.
          c.  use it as bait box.
          d.  A tool box for your deepwell socket set.
          e.  Play  "cover the cat" with it.
          f.   Hinge the front cover to hide that bottle of Jack Daniels.
          g.  use the memory and processor chips and:
                      paint them to look like caterpillars and bugs for your
                      desktop. make a mobile for your workspace.
          h.  Invert it and use it as:
                      a saddlebag for your mountain bike.
                      a recycling bin for the weeks newspapers
                      a magazine rack.
           i.  Cover the Surge Control device so you don't kick the switch.
           j.  Convert it to a hampster cage, complete with squeaky wheel.

3. Use the sides as extra space for Post-its.
4. Nice flat surface for folding socks and underwear.
5. Keep it in the family, give it to your parents, it's fast enough for them.

Contributed by the author, Rob't Riddle

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 13:23:46 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Top 10 (language), One-Liners (clean), Math (clean)

-= 4/22/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
 -= Top Ten Other Ways Bob Dole Can Help Newt Gingrich =-
10. Lend him another $7.50 to get a decent haircut
 9. Get him a job at the McDonald's where Jack Kemp works
 8. Write foreword to his new book "Newtaerobics!"
 7. Teach him the old "Get sympathy by falling off a stage" trick
 6. Advise him to avoid giant snakes
 5. Sponsor his membership in the has-been republicans club
 4. Help him choose a new, less goofy first name
 3. Help him choose a new, less goofy last name
 2. Five precious words of advice: "Lay off the snack-cakes tubby"
 1. Once and for all, teach the clumsy bast*** how to mambo
Do you like these?  Then visit: http://www.webslingerz.net/ (posted with
permission)
--------------------
Witty One-Liners

     Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
     The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
     Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
     Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
     One good turn gets most of the blankets.
     There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
     Life is sexually transmitted.
     An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
     If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
     ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
     Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was
H20 Was H2SO4.
     A closed mouth gathers no feet.
     Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
     It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
     Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
     Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
     The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
     Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
     Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
     If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
--------------------
The Math Student (courtesy of Bob Baldwin, member of Nerdnosh)

     There was a kid who excelled at school in all subects except math. In
desperation his agnostic parents sent him to a Catholic parochial school to
see if the nuns could straighten him out.
     The kid immediately buckled down. Every night he went to his room,
closed the door, and studied his math. When report cards came out he had A's
in everything and an A+ in math.
     When his parents asked him what made the difference, he replied, "I
knew they meant business the first time I walked into the school. Right
inside the front door they've got a big statue of a guy nailed to a plus sign."
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 10:17:58 CST6CDT
From:    John Olack <john@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: gross, offensive to decent people everywhere

  A ship goes out to sea and crashes.  6 people (1 Woman and 5 men)
  survive and use a life raft to float to a deserted island. After
  spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get
  lonely... sexually deprived, really lonely.

  So they come to the following agreement: each man will marry the
  woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the
  second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be
  getting sex and they all agree to it.

  This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.  Each man gets
  sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants
  with a different man every week.

  Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!!  :(  The
  first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the
  third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just
  bad...really bad, the fifth week it is just awful...it's getting so
  bad...

  Sooooo...on the sixth week......
  They bury her.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 11:31:05 -0400
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Passover

Part of the Passover seder (the service conducted in the home on the first and
second nights of the Jewish holiday Passover, or Pesach) involves the youngest
member present asking The Four Questions. The four questions ask about why this
night is different than all other nights. The questions and answers are part of
the seder.

At  the conclusion of the asking and answering of the questions at my friends'
seder, their 3-year old daughter raised her hand, asking "Can I ask a fifth
question?"  All eyes turned toward her as her parents, somewhat surprised,
assured her that she was welcome to ask another question.  She proceeded,
posing the question, "Is is okay for people to go potty now?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 12:06:45 EDT
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Surgery humor (nonoffensive)

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Bo!  Bo!  Come back with that!  Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no!  I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops!  Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Rats, there go the lights again...
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back!  I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril.  The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- OK, now take a picture from this angle.  This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry.  I think it is sharp enough.
- She's gonna blow!  Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE!  FIRE1  Everyone get out!
- Darn!  Page 47 of the manual is missing!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 12:29:00 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Chicken Stories

How DOES a chicken cross the road?

     NT Chicken:
       Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
     OS/2 Chicken:
       It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that
       nobody noticed.
     Win 95 Chicken:
       You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it
       and it still tastes like ... chicken.
     Microsoft Chicken (TM):
       It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the
       road.
     OOP Chicken:
       It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
     Assembler Chicken:
       First it builds the road ...
     C Chicken:
       It crosses the road without looking both ways.
     C++ Chicken:
       The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
       to him on the other side.
     VB Chicken:
       USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
     Delphi Chicken:
       The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other
       side.
     Java Chicken:
       If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
       download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)
     Web Chicken:
       Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
     Gopher Chicken:
       Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
     Newton Chicken:
       Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
       across the road in your pocket!
     Cray Chicken:
       Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in
       liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
     Quantum Logic Chicken:
       The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
       road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
     Lotus Chicken:
       Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
     Mac Chicken:
       No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
       road, so there's no way to tell it to.
     COBOL Chicken:
           0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
           IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
              PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
              VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
                 ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
           ELSE
              GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 11:43:17 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: stupid library tricks <not off.>

Sad but true story: When we discovered pages ripped out of the Encyclopedia
of Careers and Vocational Guidance, we ordered replacement pages to glue
into the book. The replacement pages came in the other day, and it turned
out the section that had been torn out was the section on library careers.
Needless to say, we all fervently hope the vandal doesn't get a job in a
library...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 09:38:39 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Hale-Bopp-inspired Bumper Sticker

Hale-Bopp-inspired Bumper Sticker:

SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE; SO FEW COMETS

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 16:32:30 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: 133 Ways to Take a Crap, 2/4 (Gross; adult)

      36. Drop Loggy Log
      37. Drop Smokies (when camping in the winter)
      38. Drop a bomb
      39. Drop a brown trout
      40. Drop a deuce
      41. Drop a dookie
      42. Drop a load
      43. Drop a log
      44. Drop a stool
      45. Drop anchor
      46. Drop the kids off at the lake
      47. Drop wolf bait
      48. Drop your ordinance
      49. Dump
      50. Dump a stump
      51. Enjoy a meatball sandwich
      52. Evacuate
      53. Fill the peanut butter jar
      54. Float a trout
      55. Give birth to a Marine
      56. Give birth to a packy
      57. Go Fece-ing
      58. Go into labor
      59. Grow a Tail
      60. Hatch a new boss
      61. Hatch a new superintendent
      62. Have a shit
      63. Heave a Havana
      64. Hit paydirt
      65. Launch a Butt Shuttle
      66. Launch a torpedo
      67. Lay a brick
      68. Lay a cable
      69. Lay a log
      70. Lay some cable

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 09:33:06 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Steady,There! <clean>

 I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister
 to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I
 saidI would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from
 the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of
 one glass,which I drank.
                I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and
 did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then
 withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink
 which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and
 poured the bottle down the glass,which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
 cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the
 glass.
        I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the
 bottle.Then I corked the sink with the glass,bottled the drink and drank the
 pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
 counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
 twenty-nine,and as the houses came by I counted them again,and finally I had
 all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of
 incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.I
 fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
 longer I get.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Apr 1997 04:44:57 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: The Bible According to Johnny (Funny but not offensive)

Students in both Jewish and Christian parochial schools were asked to
write about the Bible.  The following are some of the responses:

                               (OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the
        world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble
        with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
        Delilah.
Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterward, Moses went up
        on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK.
Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
        still, and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
        the Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

                                 (NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
        Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in
        the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
         they do one to you.  He also explained, "Man doth not live by
        sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
        tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
        another name for marriage.
According to the Bible, a Christian should have only one wife. This is
        called monotony.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1997 to 25 Apr 1997
************************************************
