HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1997 to 24 Apr 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 810 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Traffic & Driving
  2. Bohemian Rhapsody in OO
  3. Various (individual warnings)
  4. Humor:Offensive to Clinton
  5. <vulgar - off. to women>
  6. Kid Quotes (clean, 2/2)
  7. injuries
  8. More woman jokes (offensive and crude)
  9. A bunch of stuff
 10. Humor - It's A Wacky World
 11. martial arts
 12. The Great Thaw (Suggestive)
 13. 133 Ways to Take a Crap, 1/4 (Gross; adult)
 14. Sluggo Press Release
 15. Heavenly Password <poss. offensive to religious>
 16. HUMOR: Weird Nuz <clean>
 17. Death wishes
 18. Marketing Buzz Words Translated <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 02:30:24 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Traffic & Driving

*   I gotta admit my wife is pretty tolerant of my "girl watching".
  We were at a shopping center waiting to cross over to where our car
  was parked.  I spied an attractive woman sitting in her car in the
  curb lane with her dress up rather high.  As I stepped off the curb,
  my wife pulled me back out of the path of a moving car.
    She said, "That was pretty close.  Your eyes were almost on their
  'last legs'."
                                - - - - -

* A policeman arrives at the scene of what looks like a bad accident.
  There's a pedestrian lying, unmoving, in the crosswalk.  The
  driver of the car near-by says, "I swear, I never touched her.  I
  saw her at the crosswalk and came to a complete stop.  I smiled and
  waved for her to cross, and she fainted."
                                - - - - -

* Traffic is terrible these days, and parking is even worse.  The other
  day in Baltimore I saw a City tow truck impounding a car illegally
  parked.  While the guy was hooking up the car, another motorist was
  stopped behind him, patiently waiting to pull into the spot.
                                - - - - -

* My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who
  told you how to drive ?"
                                - - - - -

* Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of
  manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck.
                                - - - - -

* Why is it that when most people drive everyone going slower than they
  are is a moron, and those going faster are maniacs ?
                                - - - - -

* The Police have stopped my wife so many times for speeding, they
  decided to just give her a season ticket.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 17:57:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Bohemian Rhapsody in OO

Bohemian Rhapsody (Object Oriented)


Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide
No ESC to reality.
open(2) your files,
Look after your while()s in C;
Its just a cheap toy, but dearer than Symphony(tm)
With it's wheezy cough, noisy beep
Address clash, little sleep
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats class lib'ries to me,
To me.

Mama,
Just killed a RAM
Got some static on its pins,
Now I don't see the dust bin,
Mama,
'Write' had just been run,
But now I've got to throw it all away
Mama, ooooooh,
Didn't mean to make it fry
If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
'Cause there's nothing like class lib'ries.

Too late,
My time(2) has come
Send lightning down my line
Stop my make(1) before it's time
Goodbye, everybody,
I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.

Mama, ooooooh, (Anything but Windows(tm))
I don't want to *sigh*
I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Scarramouche, Scarramouche,
Did you run the test script yet?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Blowing up my modem, me.
Gone away now,
Gone away now,
Gone away now, Windows(tm) froze.
Its worse than crap (oh oh oh oh)

It's just a cheap toy, ev'rybody has three
It's just a cheap toy from a cheap company
Spare us our lifes from this monstrosity!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep, will you let us sleep?
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
Mama mia, let us sleep!
Be-el-ze-Gates has a widget put beside my tree,
my tree,
my tree!

So you think you can force me to use '95?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby,
Can't do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.

Nothing beats class lib'ries,
Anything in C,
Nothing beats class lib'ries,
Nothing beats class lib'ries to me.

---
How much C could a C++ if a C + could + C?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 10:40:58 +0200
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Various (individual warnings)

Sub: Classroom Mathematics (slightly adult)
--------------------------------------------
Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

No one raised their hand.  She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces.  She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing
in particular.  The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.  Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.
"Why the enthusiasm, Tim?"

"God said to go fourth and multiply!"

                -- Source : Roshan's Humor List --
                        ------

Sub: Doctor! Doctor!! (clean)
-----------------------------
If a doctor gets ill and another doctor doctors him, does the doctor
doing the doctoring of the doctor, doctor the doctor the way the
doctor being doctored wants to be doctored , or does the doctor doing
the doctoring of the doctor doctor the doctor as he wants to doctor
???

        -- Source : Vidya Subramanian (my colleague). Thanks Vidya.
                        -------

Sub: Labour Pains (innuendo, adult)
-------------------------
A couple are visiting a doc. The doctor tells the husband that his wife
is pregnant, but, he also tells him that they have invented a new
machine that could relieve the mother of the pain during labour, and
inflict the same on the father. The doc tells him that it would be a
nice experience and that he would be sharing the pain too. The husband
is very much thrilled to hear this and he says that he would like to
share the pain with his wife.
On the appointed day the doc asks the husband to lie down on the bed
near to his wife's. The device is connected and activated. The intensity
of pain is set to 10%. And the doc asks the man if he was feeling any
pain. The man replies "I'm fine, you may increase the level". To this
the doc raises the intensity to 20%. The same reply comes from the man.
This goes on till the intensity is set to 50%. The wife replies I'm
feeling fine and so replies the man.
The doc says now that you have gone thru 50% of the process I think you
can take some more of it. The doc starts increasing the level and keeps
on getting a feedback from the man. He always replies that he is fine.
The machine is set to 90% and the man still replies no problem. The
machine is finally set to 100%, at which point the child bearing process
is just over.
The doc asks the man, are u fine, and he replies "I'm fit as a fiddle".
The doc congrats the couple and tells 'em that they do not need any post
delivery care and that they can go home.
The couple is delighted and drive home. On reaching home, they are
shocked to see the Postman lying dead.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 07:59:55 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to Clinton

As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, he tripped
on a partially buried bottle.  Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to
expose the label.  Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a
huge genie appeared.

"Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've
been in.  I've been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of
years.  As a expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will
grant you one wish."

Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for.
"Peace in the Mideast!" he quickly replied.

The genie seemed confused.  "Mideast... Mideast...  I can't seem
to remember... can you help me out a little?

The President quickly has a world map brought over and he
carefully points out the affected area of the globe, recounting
briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area.

The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yea.  Now I remember.
The Mideast!  Whew.  That's a tough one.  You know, they've been
fighting over there quite literally for millennia.  I hate to
admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle.  I'm sorry.
Can you wish for something else?"

Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can
think of only one other wish:  "Could you make the American
people like my wife?"

The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map
again."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 12:40:56 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: <vulgar - off. to women>

Q: What is the smartest thing ever to come out of a womans mouth?

A:  Einsteins Dick.
----------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 14:52:53 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Kid Quotes (clean, 2/2)

     Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between
north and south.
     A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants
to go.
     There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
     There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
     Lime is a green-tasting rock.
     Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.
     Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.
     Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
     Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.
     Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
     We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
     To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
     In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H's as O's.
     Clouds are high flying fogs.
     I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,
and that is the important thing.
     Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.
     Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill
the strongest man.
     A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
     A monsoon is a French gentleman.
     Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
     Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
     It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
places.
     The wind is like the air, only pushier.
(courtesy of the Good, Clean Funnies List)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 08:25:48 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: injuries

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb
out and swim to shore-where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers
of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a
low-level bridge-killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure
his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall
down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to
search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in
Kingston-upon-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when
one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for
a train.

 Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate
harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came
home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over
and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to
loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged
and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so
surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr.
Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 07:05:09 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: More woman jokes (offensive and crude)

Did you hear the one about the woman who thought that "love handles"
referred to her ears?

A woman goes into a bar.  The bartender asks her what she would like,
and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

How do you know that God was a man ?
Had he been a woman, cum would taste like chocalate.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:21:31 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A bunch of stuff

               ***Might be off. to Amish folks***

 An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold
 blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
 freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The
 body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
 The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
 The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said,
 "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did. Next day the
 boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose
 is freezing cold." The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm
 up." He did and his nose warmed up. The next day the boyfriend is
 driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
 Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother.
 She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says
 "Sure why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell
 of a mess when they thaw out!!"

***********************************************************

             ***Might be off. to employees of the IRS***

 Panicked by a letter from the IRS that he's gonna be audited, a man
 calls his accountant. The accountant tells him not to worry: he has all
 the necessary bills, receipts and records. But he suggested, just to be
 on the safe side, that the man dress shabbily, so the auditor will think him
 poor and go easy on him.

 Not convinced, the man calls his lawyer next and explains he's to be
 audited and what the accountant told him. The lawyer said he disagreed;
 the man should dress nice, so the auditor will see he's a respectable
 person.

 More confused and worried than ever, the man calls his minister and
 tells the story a third time, as well as the advice he's been given. The
 Minister sez, "I have the same problems with marriages. The Mother of
 the bride wants her to dress like an old fashioned girl. Naturally, the
 groom wants her to wear something provocative. I'll tell you the same
 thing I tell the bride.  It doesn't matter much what ya wear, or don't
 wear -- you're gonna get screwed good."

**********************************************************************

                 ***Might be off. to Catholics***

 It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
 Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
 old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not
 to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
 her to do, and pray.

 The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
 night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily."I've
 been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the
 old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
 wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
 legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now," said
 the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that
 if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened
 to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.  And then
 Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact,"
 said the old nun even more evenly.

 "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation
 was often painful and that the glory of God would soon  swell my heart
 with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old
 Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've
 been blowing it for 40 years!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:23:20 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World

 Wrong place, wrong time for attempted armored car heist.

 By ERIC HANSON
 Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 A gunbattle broke out Tuesday when robbers jumped an armored car guard who
was picking up money at a building that houses the Harris County Organized
Crime Task Force in east Houston.

 Shots fired during a security guard's pursuit of the robbers drew the
attention of the task force officers, who poured out of a classroom to
respond.

 "Trying to hold up somebody inside a building where at any given time you
could have two dozen law officers shows very poor preparation," said
Houston Police Department spokesman Robert Hurst. "They obviously flunked
Crime 101."

 One robber was wounded in the hail of bullets. But the episode, which
began about 10:15 a.m. at the Atrium 10 Tower, 11821 East Freeway, ended
with no otherinjuries.

 The wounded suspect, age 34, was taken to Ben Taub Hospital where he was
in poor but stable condition. Authorities were preparing charges against
him, Hurst said.

 "Usually it's the crime victim who is in the wrong place at the wrong
time. In this case it was the suspects who ended up in the wrong place at
the wrong time," he said.


*The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:18:15 -0600
From:    Noelle Umback <umback@LAMAR.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: martial arts

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!--
he  knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from
Korea."  The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and
starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK--  the big dude knocks
him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."  So the little
guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and
when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out
cold!!!  The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to,
tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 10:36:57 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Great Thaw (Suggestive)

The Great Thaw

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs.

The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put
them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did.

Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it
will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."

Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother.

She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says "Sure.
Why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess
when they thaw out!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 19:27:29 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: 133 Ways to Take a Crap, 1/4 (Gross; adult)

       1. Bake a brownie
       2. Bake a loaf
       3. Bake a potato
       4. Bake a russet
       5. Barbarians at the gate
       6. Big brown man knocking on the back door
       7. Blow Mud
       8. Bomb the Bowl
       9. Build a dookie castle
      10. Carpet bombing
      11. Choke a brownie
      12. Choke a darkie
      13. Chop a log
      14. Commit yourself to the dumpatorium
      15. Conduct a movement
      16. Cook a brown carrot
      17. Cook a brown kielbasa
      18. Cook a butt burrito
      19. Cook a meat loaf in the porcelain saucepan
      20. Cook some chocolate
      21. Cook some fudge
      22. Cook some sausage
      23. Cook up a pot of anal stew
      24. Crap
      25. Curl some pipe
      26. Debulk
      27. Defecate
      28. Disembowel
      29. Disemfiber
      30. Do the Royal Squat
      31. Doo-doo
      32. Download some brownware
      33. Draw mud
      34. Drill for mud bunnies
      35. Drop

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 20:04:03 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message removed for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 23 April, 1997

1.  (Pigeon Hole, Tennessee) Federal marshals arrested more than 45
people and confiscated a huge amount of weapons during a raid on an
outlaw militia headquarters yesterday.  An FBI spokesman told Sluggo
News that the militia group, which has ties to similar groups "in every
city", was "armed and equipped with the latest in weaponry.  They all
wore tan uniforms.  They were extremely organized.  They even had their
own fleet of red, white, and blue vehicles."  The militia's leader, to
whom members only referred to as "The Postmaster", escaped during the
raid on their headquarters.  --ROIDERS, 23 April--

2. (ZAIRE) A Defense Ministry official said on Wednesday the army was
rushing men and weapons to defend Moba, the invisible harvest god of
Shaba.  Rebel advances in the east caught Zaire's army off guard and
put tens of thousands of Rwandan Hutu refugees to flight.  Several
pilots traversing the area have reported "what looks like a gazillion
refugees" at 33,000 feet, heading west at three knots.
-ROIDERS, 23 April-

3. (FRANCE) GEORGIAN PRESIDENT Eduard Shevardnadze began a three-day
visit to France on Monday. His visit will consist of a wine-tasting
tour through through the best Parisian wineries followed by a
high-speed drive through the city. -Reustrs, 23 April-

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 20:09:06 -0700
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Heavenly Password <poss. offensive to religious>

A man and his wife were in a car accident. The man died instantly and
his wife passed away later in the hospital. When the husband died he
found himself walking along a misty path. At the end of the path he saw
some golden gates. He asked the gatekeeper, "Where am I?" The gatekeeper
replied, "This is heaven, you can come in if you can spell the heavenly
password." "What is the word?" asked the husband. "The word is love."
answered the man. "That's easy ...L-O-V-E!" said the husband, and
entered the gates. The gatekeeper explained that he had been on the job
all day without a break and asked the husband to take over for
awhile,"Just ask whoever comes to the gate to spell the password, if
they can spell it, let them in, if not then they have to leave." Soon
the husband saw his wife walk up to the gate. "Where are we?" she asked.
"This is heaven," replied her husband,"If you want to get in all you
have to do is spell the heavenly password." "What is the password?"
asked the wife. The husband answered .....
"Antidisestablishmentarianism."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 00:27:40 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Weird Nuz <clean>

A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help after
dragging her husband down the street behind their pickup truck.
Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville, was
treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and bruises.

It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingles on his house
himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to climbing
up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer
hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the other end
of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the roof to
repair the shingles.
As luck would have it, right after he started to work, his teenage son
called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Jane Styles yelled to her
husband she'd be right back and pulled away. "I didn't see the rope," Mrs.
Styles said, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way
down the street."

Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on
Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't
been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 19:44:36 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Death wishes

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and
bring him back to their camp to meet the
chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going to die. But we sorry for you,
so give you one wish a day for three days.
On sundown of third day, you die. What is
first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs
the horse's ear and whispers something, then
slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes
off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked blonde. She jumps off the
horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring,
"Typical white man - can only think of one
thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your
wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy
leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring,
"Typical white man - going to die tomorrow
and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says,
"This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy
grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Apr 1997 10:53:28 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Marketing Buzz Words Translated <clean>

   Marketing Buzz Words Translated:

   * NEW -                    Different color from previous design

   * ALL NEW -                Parts not interchangable with previous design

   * EXCLUSIVE -              Imported product

   * UNMATCHED -              Almost as good as the competition

   * DESIGNED SIMPLICITY -    Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

   * FOOLPROOF OPERATION -    No provision for adjustments

   * ADVANCED DESIGN -        The advertising agency doesn't understand it

   * IT'S HERE AT LAST! -     Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

   * FIELD-TESTED -           Manufacturer lacks test equipment

   * HIGH ACCURACY -          Unit on which all parts fit

   * DIRECT SALES ONLY -      Factory had big argument with distributor

   * YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -   We finally got one that works

   * REVOLUTIONARY -          It's different from our competitiors

   * BREAKTHROUGH -           We finally figured out a way to sell it

   * FUTURISTIC -             No other reason why it looks the way it does

   * DISTINCTIVE -            A different shape and color than the others

   * MAINTENANCE-FREE -       Impossible to fix

   * RE-DESIGNED -            Previous faults corrected, we hope..

   * HAND-CRAFTED -           Assembly machines operated without gloves on

   * PERFORMANCE PROVEN -     Will operate through the warranty period

   * MEETS ALL STANDARDS -    Ours, not yours

   * ALL SOLID-STATE -        Heavy as Hell!

   * BROADCAST QUALITY -      Gives a picture and produces noise

   * HIGH RELIABILITY -       We made it work long enough to ship it

   * SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE -  When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

   * NEW GENERATION -         Old design failed, mabey this one will work

   * MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS -    We got a good deal at a government auction

   * CUSTOMER SERVICE
     ACROSS THE COUNTRY -     You can return it from most airports

   * UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -  Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

   * BUILT TO
     PRECISION TOLERANCES -   We finally got it to fit together

   * SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -  Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

   * MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED -  Does things we can't explain

   * AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY -   One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1997 to 24 Apr 1997
************************************************
