HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1997 to 23 Apr 1997
There are 20 messages totalling 831 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Quickies
  2. Top5 - 4/22/97 - Signs Your Cruise Ship Isn't A Luxury Liner
  3. Couples (off to married)
  4. Cotton Pickers <off to minorities>
  5. Kid Quotes (clean, 1/2)
  6. AOL4FREE virus is a hoax
  7. Law on the March
  8. Paper is calm
  9. <No subject given>
 10. <humor> weird news
 11. Shakespearean Insult Kit
 12. Mild sexual connotation
 13. Un-Chain letter  <very mild>
 14. Sluggo Press Release
 15. Quasimodo's Replacement, Part II (Just when you thought it was safe to go
     to the belfry)
 16. Fart Euphemisms (Gross; adult)
 17. failed executions (morbid)
 18. Hitchcock's Elevator Story <a bit gory>
 19. Class Room Jokes <clean>
 20. Exam Antics (4/5)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 02:35:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Quickies

* What's the difference between the Pope and your Boss ?
  The Pope only expects ya to kiss his ring.
                                - - - - -

* The cost of lumber is so high these days,
  It's really hard to believe it grows on trees.
                                - - - - -

* It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable;
  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.
                                - - - - -

* Did ya ever notice that some people just don't get the point;
  Seems to me there's a good reason why we have 2 ears and one mouth.
                                - - - -

* My wife always starts the day with a smile --
  And gets it over with quickly.
                                - - - - -

* I have my doubts about exercise making ya lose weight.
  If that were true, no nagging wife would ever get a double chin.
                                - - - - -

* And speaking of exercise, if it really does kill germs,
  Just how do ya get those little suckers to work out anyway ?
                                - - - - -

* If it's really true that we're all here to help others,
  Exactly what are the others here for ?
                                - - - - -

* And another thing, why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English ?
                                - - - - -

* If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is there to hear,
  Is he still wrong ?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 06:10:54 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/22/97 - Signs Your Cruise Ship Isn't A Luxury Liner

                         April 22, 1997

     The Top 15 Signs Your Cruise Ship Isn't A Luxury Liner

15> Life-saving dinghy doubles as a banana split boat.

14> "Dinner with the Captain" means you wear your Sunday best to
    eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

13> Shipboard entertainment choice: Shipboard entertainment choice:
    Wayland Flowers & Madam or Vickie Lawrence Unplugged.

12> The all-you-can-eat buffet is a bowl of Chex mix and a carton
    of red wine with a straw stuck in it.

11> Their version of "Baked Alaska" consists of a flaming quart of
    crude oil.

10> At every exotic port of call, the same native custom: Washing
    the otters and toweling off the rocks.

 9> You begin to suspect something when the ship accelerates from
    "battle speed" to "ramming speed."

 8> Other ships' entree: Pheasant under glass.  Your ship's entree:
    Pigeon in a Ziplock bag.

 7> Ship's gymnasium?  No weights.  No Stairmasters.
    500 rowing machines.

 6> The "poop deck" got it's name for a very legitimate reason.

 5> "Your attention please: Fresh Mexican strawberries are now
    being served on the Prominade deck."

 4> "Ice sculpture" on the buffet table is in the shape of an Igloo
    cooler.

 3> The urinal in your bathroom is actually a small window
    overlooking the pool.

 2> Kathy Lee says you have to finish 100 sweatshirts before you
    get shore leave.


 and the Number 1 Sign Your Cruise Ship Isn't A Luxury Liner...


 1> "Welcome aboard the Valdez.  I'm Captain Hazelwood."


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

================================================================
                   Ruminations & Ponderances

             I don't mind taking a risk, as long as
              I know everything will turn out okay.

                    (Thanks to Barbara Rush)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 12:52:11 +0200
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Couples (off to married)

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.
So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his
wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
-----------------------------------------

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
-----------------------------------------

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
----------------------------------------

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
----------------------------------------

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I
wouldn't be here."
--------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
for it."
----------------------------------------------------

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
----------------------------------------------------

-=)Juggy(=- A bachelor lives like a KING and dies like a DOG.
            The married live like a DOG and die like a KING.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 07:09:40 -0400
From:    Steven Laverty <100730.3450@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Cotton Pickers <off to minorities>

Q. Why do drugstores put cotton wool into bottles of pills that they sell?
A. So the <insert ethnic minority here> don't forget they were cotton
   pickers before they became drug dealers.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 14:30:00 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Kid Quotes (clean, 1/2)

     Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After
preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier.  -- Angela Martin, age 11
     Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute.  -- Lisa Coburn, age 9
     Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
-- Nick Coleman, age 9
     Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they
like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked
her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.  -- Bruce
Wagner, age 13
     A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.  -- Megan, age 14
     The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They
illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information
comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
     Question: What is one horsepower?  Answer: One horsepower is the amount
of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
     You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
     Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
     The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
     When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
     When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
     Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
     Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction.
     South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still
manage.
     Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.
(courtesy of the Good, Clean Funnies List)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 08:44:18 -0500
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: AOL4FREE virus is a hoax

	[Post removed for Archival Purposes]	

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 09:49:07 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

He's a Man, for God's Sake!
He's Genetically Incapable of Lifting the Seat.

The editor of a small newspaper chain is being sued for not lifting the
toilet seat when he pees. Frank Hartnett, Jr. of Ayer, MA's Nashoba
Publications has been sued for sexual harassment by three former employees.
The women say Hartnett invited them into his office to watch a pornographic
movie, scatched his crotch in their presence, and urinated on the toilet seat
in the ladies' room.

Source: AP
------------------------------------

Oh, You Were Referring to Lawyers!
Case Dismissed.

A jury took only ten minutes to acquit a man who called lawyers "scumbags."
Stanford Pappas, 70, has stood outside the district court in Northampton, MA
on and off for three years, carrying signs with messages like this: "Need a
lawyer? Dial 1-800-SCUMBAGS. Pappas was arrested after he followed a clerk
magistrate into the courthouse holding  a sign. The clerk said Pappas called
her vulgar names and shook his sign at her. Pappas was accused of annoying
and accosting a person of the opposite sex, but a jury exonerated him after
he explained he did not use any words stronger than "slime," "garbage," and
"scumbag."

Source: AP
-----------------

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 09:54:30 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Paper is calm

From: dps1001@cl.cam.ac.uk (Dan Sheppard)
Newsgroups: dur.test,alt.dur.general,oxbridge.tat,misc.misc
Date: 18 Apr 1997 19:05:44 GMT

                            Paper is calm.

It looked for a while that paper could be augmented, calmly, with
hypertext, which allowed cross-referencing, something paper wasn't
very good at. But look at a typical corperate web-page now, it appears
to be in a state of constant alarm, like a vietnam veteran running
knife in hand, screaming, through the University Library.

........................................................................
Ian Chai
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 11:07:14 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: <No subject given>

 The British military writes OFR's (Officer Fitness Reports). The
 following are actual excerpts taken from various "206's":

 "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."

 "I would not allow this Officer to breed."

 "This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
  definitely won't-be."

 "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there."

 "He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
  satisfaction."

 "He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."

 "Technically sound, but socially impossible."

 "This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning
  around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere."

 "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 "When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
  since then he has aged considerably."

 "This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port
  to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar."

 "Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."

 "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them."

 "He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age."

 "This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better."

 "In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet."

 "The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship."

 "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat
  in a trap."

 "This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 18:14:00 +100
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: <humor> weird news

PISA -- Mayor Piero Floriani of Pisa has proposed 'copyright' to be
put on the infamous Tower of Pisa. He was enraged yet again when
insurance company RAS made a TV ad showing a car accidently driving
into the Tower, knocking it in its distinctive position. To the
mayor's mind, the Tower's image is abused and mocked. The proposal
calls for a regulative body to license use of the Tower. Current
(international) copyright laws don't protect works by long dead
authors, and specially exempts satire.

AMSTERDAM -- Amsterdam Police are launching a 5 man squad on
rollerskates, a world wide first for the force. The officers on
skates will be patrolling the streets for pick-pockets and
shoplifters.

HILVERSUM -- Dutch broadcasters Veronica will stop airing a TV show
around the famous con artist "Sir" Olivier. The programme, in which
Olivier explains his past scams in extensive detail, was scheduled
for 8 more weeks. Veronica decided to cancel the series because
Olivier was arrested recently in Frankfurt. The well-known
"master-criminal" apparently did not expect customs to search
his case containing some hundreds of thousands of false US dollars.
Last month, Olivier was charged and found guilty of having an income
whilst oficially being bankrupt. His last programme included details
on how he helped the CIA gather evidence against a 'businesspartner',
on how he forged a letterhead, and on cheating on tests in
high-schools..

LOS ANGELES -- Arnold Schwarzenegger received a new heart-valve
recently. The otherwise healthy and pectorally un-challenged 49 year
old is said to have a genetic defect. He is recovering well.

STOKE-ON-TRENT -- The Holy Trinity Church is suing local government
for the obstruction caused by months-long roadworks. The Churches
income has halved, in step with a fifty percent decline in weddings
and funerals as a result from the infrastructural problems.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 09:15:57 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Shakespearean Insult Kit

To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from h of the three
columns below, and preface it with "Thou":

Column 1            Column 2            Column 3
artless             base-court          apple-john
bawdy               bat-fowling         baggage
beslubbering        beef-witted         barnacle
bootless            beetle-headed       bladder
churlish            boil-brained        boar-pig
cockered            clapper-clawed      bugbear
clouted             clay-brained        bum-bailey
craven              common-kissing      canker-blossom
currish             crook-pated         clack-dish
dankish             dismal-dreaming     clotpole
dissembling         dizzy-eyed          coxcomb
droning             doghearted          codpiece
errant              dread-bolted        death-token
fawning             earth-vexing        dewberry
fobbing             elf-skinned         flap-dragon
froward             fat-kidneyed        flax-wench
frothy              fen-sucked          flirt-gill
gleeking            flap-mouthed        foot-licker
goatish             fly-bitten          fustilarian
gorbellied          folly-fallen        giglet
impertinent         fool-born           gudgeon
infectious          full-gorged         haggard
jarring             guts-griping        harpy
loggerheaded        half-faced          hedge-pig
lumpish             hasty-witted        horn-beast
mammering           hedge-born          hugger-mugger
mangled             hell-hated          joithead
mewling             idle-headed         lewdster
paunchy             ill-breeding        lout
pribbling           ill-nurtured        maggot-pie
puking              knotty-pated        malt-worm
puny                milk-livered        mammet
qualling            motley-minded       measle
rank                onion-eyed          minnow
reeky               plume-plucked       miscreant
roguish             pottle-deep         moldwarp
ruttish             pox-marked          mumble-news
saucy               reeling-ripe        nut-hook
spleeny             rough-hewn          pigeon-egg
spongy              rude-growing        pignut
surly               rump-fed            puttock
tottering           shard-borne         pumpion
unmuzzled           sheep-biting        ratsbane
vain                spur-galled         scut
venomed             swag-bellied        skainsmate
villainous          tardy-gaited        strumpet
warped              tickle-brained      varlet
wayward             toad-spotted        vassal
weedy               unchin-snouted      whey-face
yeasty              weather-bitten      wagtail

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 11:10:27 -0700
From:    Anish Gupta <anish@SWDC.STRATUS.COM>
Subject: Mild sexual connotation

 Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No
breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys
that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they
decided to start leaving at 3:15.

 The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left
at 3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom
door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly
runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when
Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work
any more at 3:15.....  I almost got caught!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 16:07:33 -0400
From:    Robert Riddle <RRIDDLESR1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Un-Chain letter  <very mild>

THE OFFICIAL UN-CHAIN LETTER (Posted by the Author Robert Riddle)

DO NOT FORWARD THIS !       DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT !
Forwarding this will cause immense amounts of bad luck.
Do not forward this to your friends, or enemies.

If you send this to one of your friends you will end up blowing lint balls
out of your nose.

If you send it to two or three of your friends, they will be affected
by the above and any and all of your pets will lose effective
bladder control.

If you send it to four to eight of your friends, they will be affected
by the above and you will be the sole cause of mass starvation in a
small Mediterranean country.

If you send this to nine to fifteen of your friends, they will be affected
by all of the above and you will be drafted to serve in a Peacekeeping
Force in the Mediterranean area.

If you send this to sixteen to twenty-five of your friends, they will be
affected by all of the above and you will be captured, tortured and
brainwashed  by a small radical band of anarchists who have control
of a twenty megaton hydrogen bomb with surface to surface capabilities.

If you send this to more than twenty five of your friends, they will be
affected by all of the above and you personally will trigger the hydogen
device.

and we know where that leads don't we?

HOWEVER,

If you only THINK of sending it to one of your friends.
your boogers will be normal.

If you only THINK of sending it to two or three of your friends,
they will be affected by the above, and your pets will only piss
you off.

If you only THINK of sending it to four to eight of your friends,
they will be affected by all of the above and the olive harvest will be
a bumper crop this year.

If you only THINK of sending it to nine to fifteen of your friends,
they will be affected by all of the above (cheap martinis) and you
will qualify for a brainless cush job at twice the salary.

If you only THINK of sending it to sixteen to twenty-five of your
friends, they will be affected by all of the above and you will become
involved in a pretentious race of keeping up with your friend's
purchases of materialistic items.

If you only THINK of sending it to more than twenty-five of your
friends, they will affected by all of the above,  and your friends
will personally hold you responsible for their sleazy materialistic
attitudes and jointly hire a hit man to pull the trigger.

SO REALLY,  DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FORWARDING THIS !

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 17:20:22 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 22 April, 1997

1. (ROME) Italy has put its security forces on alert after an
intelligence report that Islamic extremists could be preparing to
attack targets including Pope John Paul, the Italian news agency ANSA
reported.  The Pope has since been equipped with all manner of
defensive apparatus--customized, of course--to include Kevlar
vestments, throwing-star communion host, incense burner which deploys
crowd-control agent, and a two-shot Stinger anti-aircraft missile
launcher concealed in his pointy hat.  Italian military authorities,
who are now referring to the Pontiff as "RoboPope", said the United
Nations has requested the Holy Father make "a goodwill visit" to
Albania.  -Roiders, 22 Apr-

2. (U.S.-CHINA) China is working to become a major military power and
will be able to produce 1,000 new long-range missiles within the next
decade, the Pentagon said Wednesday. However, military sources at the
Pentagon speculate that a strategically placed tactical nuclear missile
and a few drums of air-deployed nerve agent could set China's military
power back 1,000 years.  Plans are in effect to make that dream a
reality.  -REAPER, 22 APR-

3. (MALI) Chaos reigned at the Sunday opening of the second multi-party
national elections since independence.  Judging from this election, it
is theorized that Chaos is a shoo-in for a second term. That, and Chaos
is the sister of 70's Koochie-Koochie sensation Charo, but with larger
breasts. - DP, 22 APR -

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 19:29:57 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Quasimodo's Replacement,
         Part II (Just when you thought it was safe to go to the belfry)

After the death of the armless man, despite great sadness, the Bishop
continued to interview people for the job of ringing the bells at the
Cathedral of Notre Dame.
A man came to him and told the Bishop that he was the brother of the
armless man and that he wanted to be the bell ringer very badly.  He
started to ring the bells as part of his interview when suddenly he
clutched his chest and died on the spot of an apparent heart attack.
Two monks heard the cries of grief coming from the belfry and rushed up
the stairs to find out what had happened.  One of them asked the bishop,
"What has happened?"
"Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the Bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for
his brother."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 20:50:58 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Fart Euphemisms (Gross; adult)

 Anal Salute

 Beep your horn

 Blast the chair

 Blat

 Blow Mud

 Blow the big brown horn

 Bottom blast

 Bottom burp

 Butt burp

 Butt tuba

 Cut the cheese

 Float an air biscuit

 HUMrrhoids

 Let a Beefer

 One-gun salute

 Rectal honk

 Shoot the cannon

 Singe the carpet

 Step on a duck

 Colonic calliope

 Trouser cough

 Trouser trumpet

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 21:06:38 EST
From:    Larry Barnes <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: failed executions (morbid)

We've all heard the recent news story about the electric chair that
failed to execute its "charge."  You may not be aware of other rec-
ent failures:

The firing squad at the Pennsylvania State penitentiary winged the
convicted man 40 times. He had to be brought in to the infirmary, have
all four limbs amputated, and brought back to the execution site for
another try. The marksmen were dismissed.

A man in Massachusetts was given what was thought to be a lethal in-
jection. Instead, he sat strapped down for two days, saying, "Wow, man!"

A woman, set to die in the gas chamber, heard the pellets start to hiss,
held her breath until she fainted, was rescusitated and made to go thru
it again.

Finally, a man condemned to die faced a priest for last rites. When told
God would be his final judge, he had a heart attack, dying instantly.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 18:26:09 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Hitchcock's Elevator Story <a bit gory>

          "Well, it was a quite shocking, I must say--there was blood
everywhere!" Alfred Hitchcock began suddenly from the rear of the elevator.
We were in the New York St. Regis Hotel, heading down to the lobby. There
was as light flush to his cheeks from the several frozen dauquiris he had
just drunk in his suite. The elevator had just stopped and 3 people dressed
for the evening had joined us, and immediately Mr. Hitchcock had started to
speak, sounding as though he were in midsentence and projecting in that
careful and familiar TV tone of his.
          He went on, "There was as stream of blood coming from his ear and
another from his mouth.
          The people had recognized him immediately, but now they seemed
purposely to avoid looking at him. He went right on, gazing beatifically
ahead of him as the elevator stopped again and another well-dressed couple
came aboard: "Of course, there was a huge pool of blood on the floor and his
clothes were spattered with it--Oh, it was a horrible mess."
          No one on the elevator, it seemed, was breathing. "Blood all
around! Well, I looked at the poor man and and I said, 'Good God, What
happened to you?'" At that point the elevator doors opened onto the lobby,
and Hitchcock said, "Do you know what he told me?" and then paused. After a
moment, and quite reluctantly, the other passengers moved out of the
elevator and then looked back at the director as we walked away.
          After several foggy moments, I asked, "Well, what DID he say?" and
Hitchcock smiled benevolently, taking my arm, and said, "Oh, nothing--that's
just my elevator story."

Peter Bogdonavich, in April Harper's Magazine

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 09:27:40 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Class Room Jokes <clean>

  Some Teacher-Student interactions :
  ------------------------------------
* Teacher: " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible. "
  One student: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpastes and put
                back it into the tube again."


* Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
            are   no longer interested to listen ?"
  Student: : "A Teacher. "


* Teacher: " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
  One Student: " Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
                 sametime ."


* Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
             tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
             didn't   punish him ? "
  One Student: " Because George still had the axe in his hand. "

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Apr 1997 00:15:51 -0400
From:    Nermie <glierjl@MIAVX1.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: Exam Antics (4/5)

                              Exam Antics

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e.  you are going
 to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)


31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
    "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
    Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.  Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.  Ignore
    the instructor's requests for you to stop.  When they finally get
    you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the
    Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
    could possibly think of.  Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
    equations.  If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own
    life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
    shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
    exam.  Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
    like history notes for a calculus exam. . .  otherwise you're not
    just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the
    exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references
    as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.  Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer.  Try to work it out of him/her.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1997 to 23 Apr 1997
************************************************
