HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1997 to 22 Apr 1997
There are 21 messages totalling 982 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Columbia Maryland
  2. God (clean), GEORGE! and Li'l Johnny (both language)
  3. Top5 - 4/21/97 - Other Things in Hale-Bopp's Tail
  4. Computer job-finder(racially offensive)
  5. Jokes about women (offensive language)
  6. Adam's rib...
  7. Flames <clean>
  8. (Fwd) Misdirected Message
  9. You know you're an E-mail Junkie... (off. to e'mail geeks)
 10. Hell Again <suggestive>
 11. humor: Weird News <some off: sexual deviance> and more..
 12. The Tech Support Song (Offensive to stupid PC users)
 13. Exam Amtics (2/5)
 14. Not Funny -- Virus Alert (for real)
 15. Political humor from India
 16. It's A Wacky World!
 17. Unsubscribe Instructions
 18. <HUMOR> The 'Ellen' Controversy (lesbianism mentioned)
 19. Not Funny -- Warning
 20. You are what you eat <offensive word used depending on your overall
     prospective of life in general>
 21. Exam Antics (3/5)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 02:58:40 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Columbia Maryland

* A lot of States in the US have installed short-distance AM radios
  to aid traveling motorists.  Normally, these devices transmit such
  information as traffic delays, weather updates, etc., continually.
  In Columbia Maryland though, when you see a sign advising you to
  tune to a certain AM frequency to receive "Traveler's Information",
  you get stock tips, interest rates, bond quotes, T-Bill info...
                                - - - - -

* I was really impressed when I learned that Columbia Yuppettes are
  turning more and more to breast feeding their infants.  That is
  until I found out that they expect to have it catered.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of catering (I was), Columbia is famous for its fancy
  restaurants.  One place has a maitre d' for the carry-out counter.
                                - - - - -

* And the dogs in Columbia, believe it or not, most don't even bite.
  They've got their teeth capped and don't want to chance ruining them.
                                - - - - -

* In Columbia, they all sit down to a bottle of water, a bran muffin and
  decaf coffee, and call it a "Power Breakfast".
                                - - - - -

*   I know this one Columbia Yuppie who started his own software company.
  Since he offered me a free copy of the program, I agreed to beta test
  it for him.  I called the other day with a few questions, and when he
  answered the phone, I said, "How's it going ?"
    He shot back with, "Oh great Jimmy, just great !!!  We just signed
  a contract with a second printer, since the first one can't keep us in
  stock with the manuals to ship our latest version of 'Money Talks'.
  And then just yesterday, MicroSoft raised their offer to four hundred
  thousand for that one sub-routine I did and they want so desperately."
    I said, "I see.  That's OK Leslie, I'll call back later when you're
  alone and we can talk."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 11:09:54 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: God (clean), GEORGE! and Li'l Johnny (both language)

And it was good... (clean)

     In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth.  Quickly he was
faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
     Appearing at the earing, God was asked why he began his earthly project
in the first place.  He replied that he just liked to be creative.
     Then God said, "Let there be light."  Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?  What about
thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball
of fire.
     God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no
smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building
permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God
agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
Officials replied that they were not intereted in semantics.
     God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters
bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over
the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.
     Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in
six days.  Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review
the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there
would be a public hearing.  Then there would be 10-12 months before...
     At this point God created Hell!
--------------------
'GEORGE' (yuk! but clean) [courtesy of Chuck Taylor of Nerdnosh]

A guy named Bob took a girl named Sue out for a date to the movies. Well,
Bob all of a sudden had the urge to fart really bad.  So Bob made an excuse
to take Sue home.  She said, Fine but you could at least come in and meet my
parents.  He said, Ok ,but it has to be quick, I really gotta go.  So they
went in and she asked him to sit down.  He accidentally let a small fart.
Sues Dad yelled, "GEORGE".  Bob said to himself, "This is great, He thinks
its the dog farting.  So, he let a bigger and louder one.  Sues Dad yelled
louder, "GEORGE !"  Feeling relieved that the dad thought it must be George
farting, he let the biggest fart ever to relieve himself.  Sues dad yelled
once more, "GEORGE, get out from under that chair before that man shits on you."
--------------------
More Li'l Johnny (hope this one hasn't been posted - I haven't seen it)

      For her planned lesson, the teacher would announce a letter, then call
on a student to state a word that began with that letter.  Because there
were 26 students in the class, she knew she would have to call on Johnny,
who had a vulgar mouth.  She considered each letter and couldn't think of
any dirty words that began with "R", so she decided to give that to Johnny.
      First, she gave the letter "A".  Johnny raised his hand and said, "I
know, I know," but she called on Billy, who said, "A is for apple."
      "That's very good," she said, "What letter starts with 'B'?"
       Again Johnny says, "I know, I know," but she called on Sally, who
said, "B is for ball."
       Johnny's hand shot up for every letter.  Finally, she asked, "What
word starts with the letter 'R'?" She called on Johnny.
      "RATS," replied Johnny.
       "Rats?" she asked.
       With his arms wide apart, he responded, "Yeah, big, fat, fuckin'
hairy ones with dicks this long!"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 05:58:41 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/21/97 - Other Things in Hale-Bopp's Tail

     The Top 15 Other Things in the Hale-Bopp Comet's Tail

15> Gazillions of unmatched socks

14> Guy with rainbow-colored wig and sign that says, "John 3:16"

13> Replacement players for the Chicago Cubs

12> By contractual arrangement with Nike, it's now called the
    Hale-Bopp "Swoosh."

11> Castration debris

10> A "My Other Interstellar Vehicle Goes Faster Than Light"
    bumper sticker

 9> A few stale cheese puffs, four Junior Mints, some loose change,
    and the remote control

 8> Spacedust bunnies

 7> William Shatner's hairpiece from episode #12 of the original
    Star Trek

 6> A hitman from the planet Zircon with a contract on Pauly Shore

 5> A smaller comet that's honking and trying to pass

 4> Where there's tail, Wilt Chamberlain can't be far away

 3> A bumper sticker which reads: "I Brake for Cult Members"

 2> I'm sorry, I was watching Pamela Lee on Saturday Night Live.
    What was the question?


  and the Number 1 Other Thing in the Hale-Bopp Comet's Tail...


 1> Yet another Starbucks


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

----------------------------------------------------------------
                   Ruminations & Ponderances

         Your work is only as good as your concentra--
             Hey look!  A cloud shaped like Snoopy!

                   (Thanks to Martell Stroup)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:00:59 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Computer job-finder(racially offensive)

 Once there was a man who, being unemployed and his benefits about to run
out, decided to get a job. He tried some small stores and half-heartedly
submitted applications to a few places, but still could not find a job.
 So he finally went to a place that advertised 100% job placement by
computer. When he got there, Rastus filled out the forms and gave them to his
counselor. While he was waiting, Rastus watched as other applicants recieved
their coded replies, which were interpreted by the counselors, and they all
left looking very happy.
 Finally, Rastus was called to his counselor's desk. The counselor showed him
the coded report, which said BIMM BAR PCT. "Wow!" said Rastus, "It looks like
I'm going to be working for the BIMM company, get a wet BAR in my office, and
get a PCT of the profits!! How great this is!!"
 "Not so fast there, Rastus." said the counselor. "You just don't know how
the code really works. It says to Be In Mississippi Monday,get your Black Ass
Ready to Pick Cotton Tuesday."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 06:04:50 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Jokes about women (offensive language)

Why do women have tits and cunts?
Because otherwise they would be completely fucking useless.

Why do women have breasts?
To make suckers out of men.

What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina?
The woman!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:07:24 -0400
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: Adam's rib...

<off. to women and the Biblically sensitive>

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution.  I shall create a
'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created.  She will be so intelligent
that she can figure out what you want before you want it.  She will be
so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy.  Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.  She will
be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get
for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:59:31 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Flames <clean>

We all flame creatively, don't we? However, here are some suggestions
about letting the other person know how you feel about his/her brains:

*  You lack the minimum IQ to post in this conference/newsletter/list.
*  Is your gerbil also retarded?
*  How many generations of inbreeding have produced you?
*  Stupid is such a trite word - idiot, cretin and moron describe
   you much more accurately.
*  What did you get on your IQ test? Drool?
*  Please don't reply until you take your head out of your a**.
*  You could raise your IQ 20 points just by shutting your mouth.
*  If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate.
*  If your IQ was two points higher you'd be a vegetable.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:11:01 CST6CDT
From:    John Olack <john@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: (Fwd) Misdirected Message

This misdirected message was inadvertently delivered to my office. Sorry for the delay I hope it is not too late.
STARDATE 10357.22     (March 28, 1997)
To:     <Heaven's>, <Gate>, <Personnel:>

DUE TO EXTENSIVE HEAD WINDS CAUSED BY THE COMET HALE-BOPP, PICKUP OF
THE 39 PASSENGERS HAS BEEN DELAYED UNTIL 3024 WHEN WE PASS THE PLANET
AGAIN. DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
*** REPEAT ***
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME

___________________________________________________

John Olack
Division of Comparative Medicine
Washington University School of Medicine
St Louis, MO    63110

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 10:16:12 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You know you're an E-mail Junkie... (off. to e'mail geeks)

 1.  You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
     your e-mail on the way back to bed.
 2.  You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
     Navigator 1.1 or higher."
 3.  You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
 4.  You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
     you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
 5.  You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
     your child in the overhead compartment.
 6.  You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
     for the free Internet access.
 7.  You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
 8.  You start using smileys in your snail mail.
 9.  Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You
     start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's
     access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...And
     you succeed.
 10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
     processor.com 11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
 12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
 13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
 14. Your cat has its own home page.
 15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
 16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
 17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
 18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because
     they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
 19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
 20. You tell the cab driver you live at:
     http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 20:02:54 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Hell Again <suggestive>

  Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven
  and  Fallon goes to hell. One day Norris looks down at Fallon in
  hell. Fallon has a  beer in his hand and a  blonde on his lap.
  Norris gets pissed off so he goes to  God and says, "What is this shit?
  I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend  down there."
  God says "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the
  blonde doesn't."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 18:13:26 +100
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: humor: Weird News <some off: sexual deviance> and more..

Here's some weird news, mainly from The Netherlands..

GRUBBEVORST -- A priest in Grubbevorst, a Dutch city in the
Limburg province, has blessed 700 motorcycles. The motorcycles
received the blessing after having attended a mass with heavy metal
music.

JAARSVELD  -- A 21 year old man from Nieuwegein has admitted to
having had sex with horses multiple times to the police. He was only
discovered because observant personell at the stables noticed that
bales of haw he had been using to stand on during his pathetic
deviant deeds misteriously moved to the other corner of the stables
overnight (!)

SPACE -- Gene Roddenberry's ashes have boldly gone where no-one's
ashes have gone before, joined by Timothy Leary's, on their final,
and possibly highest, trip. Seven grams of 24 people's ashes
have been brought into orbit around the earth, where they will stay
for about 6 years before crashing down to earth again, and burning-up
in the earth's atmosfere, for the second time around. The trip on a
rocket also carrying 2 satellites cost $4800 per vial of ashes.

APELDOORN -- A 22 year old cleaning woman turned over two live WWII
handgrenades to stunned Apeldoorn police saturday. For the last 50
years they had been used by an elderly man as bookstands. The police
have stored the grenades in a bomb-proof room, awaiting the bomb
disposal squad. It was decided to hand the handgrenades in as a part
of springcleaning..

 -----------------------------

misc. (Dutch) humor (sick) :
A man went to a petstore and bought a hamster. The following day the
hamster died, so he returned to the shop, furious. Of course the
shopkeeper immediately gave him a replacment, but when the man
wanted to turn over the dead hamster, the shopkeeper leaned over and
said : 'I'll let you in on a little secret : what I usually do with
dead hamsters, is to puree them in a foodprocessor, and use them as
fertilizer for my garden, and it fertilizes better than anything!'
So the man went home with the hamsters, one live, and one dead, put
the dead one in the foodprocessor, and spread its liquified remains
over his garden. The next morning his garden was a sea of flowers,
so he went back to the shop, and said :
'I just came back to thank you for your excellent advise! My garden
is now filled with the most beautiful roses and daffodils!'
To which the shopkeeper replied : 'Roses and daffodils? That's
strange.. Usually you get tulips from hamsterjam!'

(* note : 'Tulips from Amsterdam' is a medium-well known song ..

 -----------------------------
This is my first post

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 13:29:22 -0400
From:    "Linney E. Dew, II" <dewhead%mindspring.com@CTI-PET.COM>
Subject: The Tech Support Song (Offensive to stupid PC users)

John Peed, a friend of mine, and I wrote this together. Well, actually, I
did the important part. I came up with the concept of the song, John just
came up with about 99% of the words!  Hope you enjoy it!

If You Only Had A Brain: The Tech Support Song
     (Sung to the music of "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz)

When yer computer's in  the toilet,
and all attempts to fix are foil-ed,
though you try and try a-gaaaaain...
        Better call us for service,
        'cause w know that you're nervous
        and you just don't have a braaaaain!

When your com port is un-know-un,
better get us on the phow-un,
'cause you know it's just germaaaaane:
        you don't know from shinola,
        you never did what we tol' ya',
        and we wish you had a braaaaain!

Yeah, yer' typin's a disaster,
the computer is yer master,
and reading, you disdaaaaain.
        The man-u-als, they snow you
        and in spite of all we show you,
        just your ignorance remaaaaains.

You don't know what the hell yer' doin',
and it's drivin' us to ruin,
my God!, you're such a paaaaain!

        You talk when you should listen,
        and into the wind you're pissin',
        oh, we wish you had a braaaaain!

At tech support, we're here for helpin',
so siddown and quit yer yelpin',
while we're tryin' to explaaaaain.

        Please don't futz with your system,
        I'm not askin', I'm insistin',
        'cause  you just don't have a braaaaain!

Well, your mind's like cookie batter,
there's an absence of grey matter,
so this is our refraaaaain:

        We could make your system work,
        and not a duty would we shirk,
        if you only had a braaaaain!

It's our job, we try to help ya'
though at times we'd like to belt ya',
'cause you're drivin' us insaaaaane!

        But as long as they keep payin' us,
        we'll be here, although it's heinous,
        and we wish ...  you'd ... get ... a ... braa-ee-yaaee-yaaee-yaaee-yain!


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I
want to achieve it through not dying."        --Woody Allen

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:27:22 -0400
From:    Nermie <glierjl@MIAVX1.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: Exam Amtics (2/5)

                              Exam Antics

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e.  you are going
 to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically.  Breathe a sigh of
    relief.  Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave
    the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
    very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
    Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
    Say you lost the first one.  Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
    head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.  Be as
    vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language.  If you don't know one, make
    one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
    Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage.  Claim you are going to be
    taping your next video during the exam.  Try to get the instructor
    to let them stay, be persuasive.  Tell the instructor to expect a
    percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
    another seat, continue with the exam.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 12:26:05 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Not Funny -- Virus Alert (for real)

	[Post removed for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:47:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Political humor from India

India Discussion Digest     Mon, 21 Apr 97       Volume 2 : Issue 1402

From: Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan <murthy_sk@hotmail.com>
Subject: Humor Happens! (Sometimes at the same place again & again)

At an ashram, a godman is conducting a prayer cum meeting session.  Some
devotees are overwhelmed by his presence and in order to get a closer
`darshan'(look) break the security cordon. The godman, who gets a bit
scared is calmed by his security guards, as these devotees shout their
pleadings above the chants of the rest.

A thirsty soul: Swamy ji, if you could give me a swig of water from your
                own hands, I would be indebted to you for life.

A camel       : (Shakes its head, & tries to chew something invisible.
                The ventriloquist had left. However, an ex-circus trainer
                writes the following down as his interpretation)
                Swamy ji, if you could give me a twig of leaf from your
                own hands, I would be indebted to you for life.
An aspirant
candidate     : Swamyji, if you could make me a bigwig in politics
                by placing your own hands on my head, I would be
                indebted to you for life.

A frustrated
bald man      : Swamy ji, if you could give me just an ordinary wig
                of hair from your own hands, I would be indebted to you
                for life.

 -----------------------------

From: subramani Iyer <siyer@bobo.acs.uiuc.edu>
Subject: Humor in Indian Politics

Sitaram Kesri is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who
lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him,that  would be a tragedy."

"No," Kesri says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty school
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would
be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Kesri.

"That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS to the Nation ."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Kesri, "Is there no one here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"

Finally, Gurupreet in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Narshima Rao, Laloo Prasad and
Sitaram Kersi were  blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Kesri beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss to the Nation!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 16:05:20 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World!

              Bomb ``joke'' Bombs With Police

LUTZ, Fla., April 21 (UPI) (c) - A Hillsborough County, Fla., man is
facing felony charges (Monday) after placing a realistic-looking fake
bomb on his mailbox so an out-of-town visitor could easily locate his
house. Nervous neighbors who spotted the device called sheriff's deputies
who arrested McCormick Jones despite his explanation that the bogus
dynamite was a joke.


*The gene pool could use a little chlorine. -- Ken

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 12:02:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Unsubscribe Instructions

Just in case someone ask you how to unsubscribe from a list, use this
for an answer. . . .
======================
Here's how to unsubscribe:

First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.
Then follow these directions.

The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating
System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be
dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have
fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"
outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the
connection point until you feel it lock.

The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the
small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
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Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button.

The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red
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button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the
green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and
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You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .
If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator
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call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all
facilities from his control panel.

To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the
clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.
On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a
"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be
illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.

The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When
you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.
The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro
slippers and place them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,
medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If
during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,
place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may
now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light
goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind
you.

----
I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 17:45:33 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> The 'Ellen' Controversy (lesbianism mentioned)

Some Ramifications of the "Ellen" Controversy  by Jim Mica

Popular culture can get confusing.  Ellen Degeneres (hereinafter
referred to as ED) plays Ellen Morgan (EM) who is a character on
a show called Ellen(E). I suppose that this is a lot like Mary
Tyler Moore playing Mary Richards on The Mary Tyler Moore Show,
but there are some new twists to the ratings game these days.

It used to be that one perked up a sagging sitcom by (1) having
the couple have a baby or (2) sending everybody on a vacation to
Europe or Hawaii.  But those plot developments are just plain
"old Hat" now-a-days.

Unless you've been living on some other planet --or paying too
much attention to the UFO following comet Hale-Bopp-- you'll know
that E is about to undergo a major reorganization because EM is
going to come out as a lesbian and, oh by the way, ED is one too.

According to the producers (I got this all from TIME magazine
which is a subsidiary of PEOPLE magazine you know) it was decided
that EM would come out as a lesbian because: 1) EM is
uncomfortable dating men, 2) there is no chemistry between EM and
young male ingenues and 3) EM is attracted to women.  This
formula is going to make it very difficult for real women who may
be struggling with their own sexual identities because they will
have such a hard time finding young male ingenues to test
themselves on.  I mean, just think about it, how many ingenues do
YOU run across each week?

Now as for the show itself (E that is), I'm not clear at all on
whether this is going to be a winning move.  For one thing,
actually making this change means that they won't be able to
spend all of next season hinting at the possibility that the
change is coming!  For example, every time EM mentioned a female
pop singer this year it was always Melissa Etheridge.  Or
consider a snippet of dialogue like the following:

Sales Woman:  Let me show you some slides of homes that I have
              for sale.

EM:  OK, sure.

SW: Now here's a lovely bungalow.  Just image you and your
    husband standing here on the porch...

EM: Boy, there's something wrong with this picture.

So, E has lost one fruitful plot avenue.  Then there's the fact
that EM has moved out of her apartment of many years.  Remember
how quickly the Mary Tyler Moore show died after Mary Richards
moved out of her original apartment?

Then there may be a real backlash against E from lesbians.  I
mean, they may well object to being shown acting like or having
personality traits like EM displays.  Let's face it, EM makes any
of Bob Newhart's "Bobs" seem dynamic and decisive!

Finally, one wonders about what all of this will mean for ED.
When I first heard the story I wondered just how quickly ED would
be held up to opprobrium.  I wondered how soon somebody would
call her "Ellen Degenerate"?  I soon got an answer because The
Rev. Jerry Falwell weighed in with that appellation.  According
to TIME, when ED was told that Jerry Falwell had called her
"Ellen Degenerate," she remembered first being called that name
by little boys when she was in fourth grade.  (Falwell watchers
are, no doubt, pleased to have this new estimate of his
developmental age.)

But, things still seem to be unsettled in so many ways.  ED said
that she might portray EM as an Afro-American woman next!  Boy,
if you think there's a brouhaha now...


The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:43:03 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Not Funny -- Warning

	[Post removed for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 21:23:40 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: You are what you eat <offensive word used depending on your overall
         prospective of life in general>

A teacher was working with a group of young children trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory exploration techniques.  With their eyes
closed, they would feel objects from rocks to pine cones and smell
aromatic herbs and spices.  Then one day, the teacher brought in various
kinds of round hard candies in more flavors than one could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced
the teacher.  Without difficulty, they all managed to identify the taste
of cherries, lemons and oranges, but when the teacher had them put honey
flavored life savers into their mouths, none of them could identify what
they were.
"Let me give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your Daddy
and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Apr 1997 00:48:59 -0400
From:    Nermie <glierjl@MIAVX1.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: Exam Antics (3/5)

                              Exam Antics

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e.  you are going
   to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.  As you walk out,
    start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.  If
    it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things
    (DCCAB.  BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker.  Return the exam with all questions and answers
    completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam.  Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
    violently, scream out "%$#@ this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e.  Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
    after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk.  (Completely drunk means at some point
    during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly.  If the instructor asks why,
    tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
    above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper.  DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.  After about 30 minutes, put
    on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
    until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
    class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
    belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.  Fight for your
    right to take the exam.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1997 to 22 Apr 1997
************************************************
