HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1997 to 21 Apr 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 377 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Health Notes
  2. Politics (innuendo), Dave's Top 10 (language), Trees (innuendo)
  3. A Wacky Weed Whacker Story
  4. 50 exam antics (1/5)
  5. Other Ways to say Diarrhea (Gross; adult)
  6. HUMOR: Join the Club <clean groaner>
  7. Quasimodo's Replacement
  8. Think about it (clean)
  9. Flirting: Saying the wrong thing
 10. HUMOR offensive to Jewish women
 11. Wishes And People <clean,off. to women>

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Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 04:05:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Health Notes

*   In June of 1990 I was in the hospital recovering from a bypass
  operation.  A member of my Church's Council came to visit & said he
  brought greetings from the entire Council and their wishes that I
  should recover soon and live a long and healthy life.  I thanked
  him and said that was very nice.
    He was somewhat taken aback and said, "It's more than 'nice' Jimmy.
  It was an official resolution...  passed by a vote of 14 to 7 too"
                                - - - - -

*   This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were
  transported to Heaven.  As they were waiting to be processed, they
  began to look all around at their setting for eternity.
    The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment
  she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven
  was and how fortunate she felt to be there.
    The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your God damn oat
  bran muffins & health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago."
                                - - - - -

* You can pretty much tell how healthy a man is by watching what he
  takes two of at a time -- pills, beers or stairs.
                                - - - - -

* I know this Yuppie couple from Columbia Maryland, and boy are they
  ever health nuts.  Whenever they have a real serious argument, she
  jogs home to Mother.
                                - - - - -

* All things considered, I'm in pretty good health.  In fact, there's
  only one thing harder than my muscles -- my arteries !
                                - - - - -

* And as the years go by, I think I'm getting stronger & stronger.  I
  mean years ago, I used to huff and puff when I would carry $30 worth
  of groceries home.  Now, I don't even know I'm carrying them.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 15:20:25 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Politics (innuendo), Dave's Top 10 (language), Trees (innuendo)

The Politics of Marriage (this one comes from my father in law, ASC Hooper,
of Cape Town)

     A highly politicised couple got married after many years of doubt about
the wisdom of such a move.  The problem was that they saw everything in
political terms.  He was a Conservative and she a staunch Labour supporter.
     On their honeymoon to Brighton, they were returning to their hotel
after walking along the beachfront.  Outside the hotel a beggar approached
the man saying  "Excuse me 'guvner, can you give me 50p for a cuppa tea?"
The man refused and walked into the hotel.  His wife was incensed.  "If it
wasn't for the Conservative Party that man would not be on the streets
having to beg.  And you refuse him a measly 50p."
     "If it wasn't for the failure of Labour Party economic policy he would
have had a job and would not be begging!"  A flaming row
ensued, and the couple went to bed, back to back, furious with one another.
     After a lengthy silence, as a conciliatory gesture, the wife said to
her husband, "There is a split in the Labour ranks, and if you can get the
Conservative member to stand, he has a good chance of getting in!"
     Her husband replied,  "The Conservative member has already stood and
lost his deposit.  Go to sleep."
--------------------
-= 4/17/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
     -= Top Ten Dolly Parton Pet Peeves =-

10. Accountants who don't understand how much it costs to make me look this
    cheap *
 9. Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails
 8. When the country declares my hair a fire hazard
 7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties
 6. You can't get a wig repaired because Letterman's got some kind of
    hairpiece crisis
 5. Rhinestone rash
 4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift stuff
    under that big hat
 3. Smarta** emcees who introduce you by saying, "and now here they are --
    Dolly Parton!"
 2. When the Super Bowl is over, winner never says, "I'm goin' to Dollywood"
 1. Nobody notices I've got a great a**, too
--------------------
Trees (innuendo)

     Two tall trees are growing in the woods.  A small tree begins to grow
between them.  One tree says to the other:  "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?"
     The other says he cannot tell.  Just then a woodpecker lands in the
sappling.  The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you
tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
     The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.  He replies:  "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  That, my friends, is the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
(courtesy of Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org, via Oracle)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 10:29:11 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: A Wacky Weed Whacker Story

ALBANY, Ga. (AP) (c) -- The 74-year-old owner of a car dealership chased
off an armed robber with a weed trimmer, whacking him in the behind after
the gunman menaced, "Old man, I've got you now."

 The robber showed up at Oran McGlamry's dealership Thursday with a
.38-caliber pistol, Police Chief James Vick said.

 McGlamry, forced to give up his wallet in a holdup Monday, rushed the
gunman with his humming weed trimmer.

 The surprised robber turned to run and fell. That's when McGlamry kicked
his trimmer into full throttle and whacked him in the buttocks, Vick said.

 The robber ran away but sheriff's deputies found him.

 "I was just trying to do what any other man would have done to protect his
business, his wife and his life," McGlamry said Friday.

 Jason Gordon, 17, was charged with armed robbery, aggravated assault,
carrying a concealed weapon and carrying a pistol without a license, police
said.

 Gordon had two cuts in the seat of his pants. He didn't require medical
help but "I'm sure it stung pretty good," Vick said.

 Vick quote the robber as telling McGlamry, "Old man, I've got you now.
McGlamry responded: "No you don't."

 On Monday, Gordon and another teen-ager robbed McGlamry while he was
showing them a car, Vick said.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 12:08:27 -0400
From:    Nermie <glierjl@MIAVX1.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: 50 exam antics (1/5)

                              Exam Antics

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e.  you are going
 to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)


1. Bring a pillow.  Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
   minutes.  Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
   gibberish work.  Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
   secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form.  If it is long
   answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.  Be creative.
   Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam.  Aim them at the instructor's
   left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam.  Read questions aloud, debate
   your answers with yourself out loud.  If asked to stop, yell out,
   "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about
   what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down.  About five minutes into it, loudly
   say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.  I've been to
   every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
   you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ).  Play with the volume at    max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
   refuse to answer every question.  For example: I refuse to answer
   this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
   beliefs.  Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 13:29:34 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Other Ways to say Diarrhea (Gross; adult)

 - Agent Brown

- Anal hot chocolate

- Aztec two-step

- Bum Gravy

- Chocolate splat

-  Chunky sputters

- Liquid Bummer

- Percolating butt coffee

- Rectal soup

- Trouser chili


http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 18:59:36 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Join the Club <clean groaner>

Would You Like to Join....

The Yoko Club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
Forget it.

The Ebert club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymners' club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish opometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The pregancy club?
Conceivably.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 18:57:21 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Quasimodo's Replacement

The day everyone dreaded had finally come - Quasimodo had died and the
Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame was in a quandry.  Who would ring
the bells now that Quasimodo was gone?  A message was sent throughout the
streets of Paris that a bellringer was needed as soon as possible.  The
Bishop decided that he would personally interview each candidate for the
position.  On the first day of receiving prospective personnel,  he went
up to the church belfry and left word below that all applicants would
have to demonstrate their ability with the bells.  After watching several
people go through the motions, he was about to call it a day when a lone
armless man approached him and announced he wanted the job.
The Bishop was amazed.  "You have no arms!"  "It doesn't matter", said
the man, "observe!"  He then began striking the bells with his face,
producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.  The Bishop could not
believe his eyes and ears and just as he was about to tell this mystery
figure that he had the job, an even more incredible thing happened.
Rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The Bishop raced down the stairs.   A crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn there initially only moments before by the beautiful
music of the bells.  As they made room to let the Bishop through, one of
them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the Bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a
bell."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 21:01:16 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Think about it (clean)

This is a true story of a conversation I had this weekend with friends...

During a long car trip several of us were discussing the pre-millenium
tendenacy for suicides.  Some one asked me why and I said that before the
last millenium some committed suicide because they feared the end of the
world was coming and they wanted to beat the rush into heaven; that there
might be so many souls trying to get into heaven at the end of the world that
there would be a crowd and many souls would be trampled in the mob.

My friend Darlene turned to me and asked "So what happens if you're trampled
trying to get into heaven, do you wake up at a Who concert?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 21:02:47 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Flirting: Saying the wrong thing

Dave Serchuk tells the following joke on himself:

I recently went to a Jewish Singles event at a bar. A group of us were in
conversation and one of the women asked me where I was from.

New York.

Oh, very interesting. Why did you move <to Atlanta>.

Oh, you know, too many Jews.

Note: This is what is known as bad flirting technique.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Apr 1997 22:56:40 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR offensive to Jewish women

Did you hear about the four Jewish women who wnet out to dinner?
When the meal was finished, the waiter came to the table and
asked, "Was anything right?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:26:23 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Wishes And People <clean,off. to women>

 There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
 fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

 The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is
 turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

 The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so
 instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman
 builds a boat and sails off the island.

 The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
 than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks
 across the bridge.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1997 to 21 Apr 1997
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