HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1997 to 19 Apr 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 414 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Here's To Ya <Adult Drinking Humor>
  2. Ways to psyche Customs Officers <clean>
  3. Oops (innuendo), Spelling (clean), The Zoo (yuck!)
  4. HUMOR:  corny but clean
  5. fwd: Emily's Island
  6. HUMOR:  Deductive Reasoning
  7. HUMOR: Personal Ads <clean>
  8. for John Carney in Belleville
  9. One Liners or more (clean)
 10. Burma Shave! <inoffensive>
 11. Sluggo Press Release

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Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 03:21:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Here's To Ya <Adult Drinking Humor>

* This Texan walks into a bar and sees a man passed out on the floor.
  He motions to the bartender and points to the guy, and sez "Give me
  a double of whatever in the hell he had."
                                - - - - -

* I just hadda stop all the three hour liquid lunches at work.  They
  were cutting into my usual "Happy Hour" time.
                                - - - - -

*   I was in this bar one nite in kind-of a really tuff section of the
  City.  The conversation turned to the "good ole days" when a man had
  to be a real man to open a bottle of beer w/o an opener, since the
  caps didn't twist off.  This one tuff lookin' woman said, "Awwwww,
  that wasn't so hard.  Anybody could do that."
    I couldn't resist and asked, "What did you do, open them with your
  teeth then for a real challenge ?"
    She kinda smiled and said, "Well...  not with my teeth.
                                - - - - -

*   The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but
  since the guy had a clean record, made him park the car and took him
  home in the patrol car.  "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop
  asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
    "Shertainly." said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door
  f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said " You
  shee that piano ?  Thash mine.  You shee that giant television set ?
  Thast mine too.  Now follow me."
    The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the
  stairs to the second floor.  The drunk pushed open the first door they
  came to.  "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced.  "Shee the bed there ?
  Thast mine !  Shee that woman lying in the bed ?  Thash my wife. An'
  see that guy lying next to her ?
    "Yeah ?" the cop replied suspiciously.  Beginning at this point to
  seriously doubt the man's story.
    "Well, thash me !"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 09:43:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ways to psyche Customs Officers <clean>

Things to carry in your suitcase:

*   A Genuine Hangman's Noose
*   Large Amounts of Monopoly Money
*   Realistic drawings of Margaret Thatcher, in the nude. (Change as
     appropriate, depending on the Country you visit).
*  Several pounds of white flour in sachets placed inside your shoes.
    (Claim that it is flour, but look very nervous).
*  A thick folder with the title "How to fool Customs Officers", in
    large letters. Make sure that all the pages are blank.
*  A book by the title "How to start a Trotskyst revolution" (For
    added effect, speak with a thick foreign accent and wear a 3-day
    growth of beard).
*  Half a  dozen, very real-looking, but completely fake, hand
    grenades (Together with the above book, for additional impact).
*  A large number of used condoms, tied in pink and blue ribbons.
*  A half-eaten pastrami sandwich, wrapped in a Playboy centerfold.
*  A dozen bottles of Vodka, filled with water.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 13:19:55 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Oops (innuendo), Spelling (clean), The Zoo (yuck!)

Oops! (innuendo)

     A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
teller.  Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up.
As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says "Oh!
You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged
in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their
system through normal metabolism."
     As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy,
I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what happened and her
daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her
and explains all about the accident at the bank.
     A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the mother
says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The
daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?". The
mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
     A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad
thing!".  "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
     "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"
---------------
Everyone has, of course, seen this one:

I have a spelling checker
       It came with my PC,
It plainly marks four my revue
       Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
       I'm sure your pleased to no,
Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
       My checker tolled me sew.

BUT, a friend of mine recently wrote this add-on piece (thanks to Bob Baldwin!)

Cents I began to youse it,
      I'm reel, reel pleased eye I got won.
My righting's sew much bettor now,
      Ware wood eye bee without won.
--------------------
The Accommodating Zoo Worker (bestiality)

     A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.  Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she
was in heat. What what to do?  There was no male of this species available.
     While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
     So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw
the  gorilla -- for five hundred bucks?  Mike replied that he might be
interested, but would have to think the matter over.
     The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions:
     "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
     The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?  "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week
to come up with the five hundred bucks."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 09:13:31 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR:  corny but clean

At a family wedding, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks
his father,
"What does fornication mean?"
The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know,
"Where did you hear a word like that?"
"From Uncle Charlie" responds the son.

Dad charges off to confront his brother.  Charlie doesn't
have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said
was, "Foranoccasion like this you think they would serve champagne."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 09:30:59 -0400
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: fwd: Emily's Island

from my friend Kevin:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The poems of Emily Dickinson are majorly dreary and depressing.  But
thankfully, most of her stuff perks right up if you sing it to the
"Gilligan's Island" theme. Give it a try:

        Because I could not stop for Death,
        He kindly stopped for me;
        The carriage held but just ourselves
        And immortality.

Or try this one:

        I heard a fly buzz when I died;
        The stillness round my form
        Was like the stillness in the air
        Between the heaves of storm.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 06:52:01 -0600
From:    "T.J. Dovale" <TDOVALE@LAKEENG.COM>
Subject: HUMOR:  Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to
             be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
               friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive
               reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog
               house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that
               you have a family"

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
               heterosexual."

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 11:04:51 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Personal Ads <clean>

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by
Kathy Hinckley in "Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli" (Gibbs
Smith, $6.95).

Women Seeking Men
================
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway.  I make
them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane.  Way too much time
on your hands too?  Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced,
Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad.
 My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Don't call me if  you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon;
under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats,
channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced.
Others feel free.

Men Seeking Women
================
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair
to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV
and my roommate's hair fall out.  Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32,
no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble
butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits.
 Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs.  Better looking than
Bill Gates.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 16:30:19 EDT
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: for John Carney in Belleville

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful means "against the law," and Ill-egal means a sick bird.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 19:39:36 -0400
From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: One Liners or more (clean)

The worst part about winning at the slot machines is all the time it
takes to put the money back in.

My cousin flunked out of tree doctor school, he fainted at the sight of
sap.

One way to live longer is to cut out those things you want to live longer
for.

Noah looked up into the pouring rain and muttered to himself, "I knew I
should't have just washed the ark today."

After writing down my golf score I always wipe my fingerprints off the
pencil.

She's sold old her last birthday cake looked like a parrie fire.

I can always tell which laundry is my son's, it's eating the hamper.

I haven't been feeling so great, I swallowed a door knob, and it keeps
turning my stomach.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 19:04:48 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Burma Shave! <inoffensive>

Had you been driving the highways of America 60 years ago, you might have
seen this, one of many such all over the country. Each line was sign, spaced
about 50 feet apart:

WEEK OLD BEARD

SO MASKED HIS FACE

HIS BULL DOG

CHASED HIM

OFF THE PLACE

     -- BURMA SHAVE

and, another of 1937 vintage:

THE BURMA GIRLS

IN MANDALAY

DUNK BEARDED LOVERS

IN THE BAY

WHO DON'T USE

          -- BURMA SHAVE

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 23:17:57 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release (Middle East Office) - 18 April, 1997


 1. (U.S.-U.N.-IRAQ) The U.S. is pressing for a strong Security Council
statement condemning Iraq for violating the no fly zone in Southern
Iraq. The statement would target a new government program which flies
dissident Moslems from Bagdad to Saudi Arabia. Although not protesting
the violation, it was more the method of delivery, which involves the
Iraqi government's use of a giant catapult to project the pilgrims
through the no fly zone, several kilometers within Saudi Arabia's
border and impacting the floor of a canyon whose tributary supplies a
United States Air Force base with water. The Iraqi representative
countered, "At least the pilgrims were making it to Saudi Arabia in one
piece. The pneumatic cannon we used to fly the pilgrims before created
burger showers every afternoon in those regions." -Gumby, 18 APR-

2. (IRAN) Iranian forces staged amphibious war games in the Gulf this
week to train for surprise attacks against enemies of Iran.  U.S.
military forces watched with interest as the water, heated to scalding
temperatures by the combination of blazing sunlight and heat from U.S.
nuclear submarine activity, caused the armored Iranian troops to burst
like little bubbles of tomato paste. Film footage of the training,
accompanied by Sousa marches and a laugh-track, will appear on the FOX
network's premier of 'Military Bloopers Of Countries Who Screw With The
U.S." - DP, 18 APR -

3. (WEST BANK) Jewish seminary students shot and killed a Palestinean
on 8 April, even though Palestinean season doesn't start until 9 April
and the Palestinean shot was below the legal weight limit. Angry
Palestinians rioted, protesting that it was actually wabbit season.
(Network23, 18 April)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1997 to 19 Apr 1997
************************************************
