HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1997 to 18 Apr 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 782 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. My mom and boxing (clean)
  2. Worldwide Sex <adult humor>
  3. Top5 - 4/17/97 - Rejected Summer Movie Concepts
  4. Shirts
  5. Stupid, the Parrot, and the Cow (all clean)
  6. Be vary, vary quiet.... (fwd)
  7. <No subject given>
  8. Law on the March
  9. Another passover joke
 10. 50 fun things to do in an elevator, last part
 11. Sluggo Press Release
 12. TOP FIVE REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE ( Obiously off. to males)
 13. Necktie Joke
 14. Star Wars Top Ten over Star Trek(off. to Trekies)
 15. Road Kill Meals <off. to environmentalists, animal lovers>
 16. HOW TO BE ANNOYING
 17. Of Old Age <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 02:27:19 -0400
From:    Debbie Gilleland <GDebby@AOL.COM>
Subject: My mom and boxing (clean)

This is something my mom said to me about boxing on tv...

Well if he's the undisputed champion of the world.
Then what's all the fighting about?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 02:35:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Worldwide Sex <adult humor>

*   On an isolated stretch of beach in France, a beautiful girl
  threw herself into the sea and drowned, despite a young man's
  valiant attempts to save her.  The man dragged the half-nude body
  of the woman ashore and left it on the sand while he went to notify
  the proper authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to see a
  man attempting to make love to the corpse.
    "Monsieur !!!   Monsieur !!!" he shouted, as loudly as possible,
  "That woman is dead !!!"
    "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.  "I thought ze
  lady to be an American Yuppette."
                                - - - - -

*   The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit
  earlier than expected.  He entered the master bedroom to change and
  found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
  The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her
  infidelity.  With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had
  taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given
  her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and
  jewels, and almost anything she desired.
    By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then
  turned his wrath on his supposed friend:  "As for you Reggie -- you
  might at least stop while I'm talking !"
                                - - - - -

*   The Dublin Mother was discussing her daughter's beau with her, "I
  really don't understand what you see in him, my dear.  As far as I
  can fathom, he's just an everyday sort of a man."
    "Aye. And I ask ya this..." responded the lass, "What more could
  a girl wish for ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over
  supper.  "Get this," he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours
  claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
    "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type
  expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 06:10:37 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/17/97 - Rejected Summer Movie Concepts

================================================================
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
================================================================
                      April 17, 1997

        The Top 16 Rejected Summer Movie Concepts


16> "Liar, Liar II: Pants on Fire"

15> "Florist Gump"

14> "Indiana Jones & the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed of Doom"

13> "Space Jam Van Damme" -- Jean Claude kicks the crap out of both
    Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny.

12> "Great Big Boobs and Lots O' Swearing" -- screenplay by Joe
    Eszterhaus

11> "Honey, the Profits are Shrinking"

10> Oliver Stone proves the Internet is run by the Russian Mafia in
    "Amerika OnLine"

 9> "Double Trouble" -- Those wacky Redgrave sisters take on the
    Israeli army.

 8> "Missionary Position: Impossible"

 7> "Field of Dreams II: The Parking Garage"

 6> "Shyster!" -- AFTER the disaster, things REALLY heat up!

 5> "AnnaNiconda!" -- Your grandfather and his wallet will have
    the life squeezed out of them.

 4> "To Wong Foo: So Long, and Thanks for Staying in the Lincoln
    Bedroom, Hillary Clinton"

 3> "Weekend at Bernie's, Part III" -- Starring River Phoenix

 2> LAPD Productions presents "Michael Jackson's Private Parts"

  and the Number 1 Rejected Summer Movie Concept...

 1> "Black Men Can't Golf"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 14:59:27 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Shirts

- Mommy, what kind of shirt I will wear today? Will it be one with short
  sleeves or long ones?
- Can you tell me the reason why this is so important?
- I just want to know how high I have to wash up my arms.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 14:23:50 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Stupid, the Parrot, and the Cow (all clean)

Which one is stupid? (clean)

     This extremely intelligent guy walks up to a very stupid one and says:
     - here's an offer you can't refuse: I ask you a question and if you
can't answer you will pay me a dollar. But if you ask me a question that I
can't answer, I will pay you a 100!
     The stup agrees and the first question goes like this:
     - It usually has four legs and we sit on it!
     - Gee I don't know, here's a dollar!
     - Ok, - goes the smart one - but let me give you another chance: it is
shaped like a box, one side is made of glass, you have shows on it and you
can switch it on with a remote control!
     - no, I've no idea man, here's your dollar again. But it's mine turn
now, so what has four legs, five eyes, it's 2 and red and Monday?
     The smart guy is totally at lost, and you can see steam come out of his
ears but finally he says - I give up, here's your hundred bucks but WHAT is
the answer?

     - I dunno, here's a dollar!
(from Giggles)
--------------------
The Magician and His Parrot (clean)

     A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again.
     There was only one problem:  The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.  Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
     "Look, it's not the same hat"
     "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
     "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
     The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
     One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found himself
on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
     They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.  This
went on for a day and another and another.
     After a week the parrot said:  "OK, I give up.  Where's the boat?"
(from Oracle)
--------------------
Look Ma, It's a... (clean)

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their
sunken ship.  Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.  To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler
amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.  They
remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo
planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian
airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for
home.  Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to
manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold.  To save the aircraft and
themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the
Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 09:33:46 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Be vary, vary quiet.... (fwd)

I'm Going Wife Hunting !!!!

The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
 -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
 -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
 -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
 -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife.
 -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you a rib.
 -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first
place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
 -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
 -- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
 -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
 -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents
question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one
for me."
 -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
though).
 -- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
good idea, it's the law).
 -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
 -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!
 -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


****************************************************
Women ! Can't live with them, pass the beer !!
          - Norm Peterson (Cheers)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:02:04 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: <No subject given>

 The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
 broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
 government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
 through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of
 a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the
 couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

 The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
 to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government
 man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
 rings the bell.......

 *ding dong*

 Mrs. Smith: "Good morning".

 Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

 Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you".

 Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
            especially twins."

 Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
              have a seat."

 Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

 Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is
              the right thing to do."

 Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

 Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

 Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
            on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
            living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

 Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
              Harry and me."

 Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time,
            but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or
            seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.
            In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

 Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

 Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
            time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
            disappointed with that."

 Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

 Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look
           at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a
           bus in downtown London."

 Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

 Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
            turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
            mother was so difficult to work with."

 Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

 Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde
            Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under
            such impossible conditions. People were crowding around
            four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

 Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

 Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
            excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
            at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to
            ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness
            was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
            squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it
            all in."

 Mrs. Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..., equipment?"

 Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
            work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
            technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
            front window of a big department store."

 Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

 Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
            we can get to work."

 Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

 Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
            much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
            shooting. Ms Smith?...

 Mrs. Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:54:46 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

It's His Body and His Suit--
We Just Switched the Heads.

   A widow from Salem, OR is suing a funeral director for putting the wrong
man in her husband's casket. When Ethlyn Boese asked for one last look at her
husband of more than 50 years, the casket was opened to reveal a stranger's
corpse. The funeral director at Restlawn Funeral Home at first refused to
admit that the body was not that of Mr. Boese. Later, however, he
acknowledged the mistake. The couple's son was able to find another suit of
clothes, and the correct body was buried later that same day. Ms. Boese is
suing for $500,000 for negligence and emotional distress.

Source: AP
-----------------

Operation Green Sweep

   A man dressed as a police officer threatened to arrest a Hurst, TX man
unless the man mowed his lawn. Michael Repp, who once attended police
academy, flashed a badge and ordered the man to cut his grass because it was
making the neighborbood look "trashy." When Repp was told that the lawn mower
was broken, the bogus cop said he wasn't a "charity mower." Repp, who was
later arrested and charged with impersonating a public servant, said he was
only trying to help a friend, who said his neighbor's grass hadn't been cut
in a long time. Repp said he'd take care of it, and he tried, until the man
called the real police. Repp faces a $4,000 fine.

Source: AP

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 14:00:28 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Another passover joke

Isiah Berlin is to receive his knighthood, the first jewish philosopher to
be so honoured in Britain.  This, of course, makes him quite nervous, and
he spends days memorizing his acceptance speech, which he wishes to be a
major summative statement of his contribution to philosophy.  The great
day comes, and despite the memorizing he is still terribly nervous.  When
his moment comes, and he kneels down to receive the Queen's command, his
fear takes over completely, and he forgets his prepared speech.  The Queen
touches her sword to both his shoulders and looks down.  He is mortified,
unable to recall anything, and just kneels there frozen.  As the silence
continues, the audience becomes jittery.  The Queen, in confusion at this
development, turns to the audience and asks, "Why is this knight different
from all other knights?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 15:32:28 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 50 fun things to do in an elevator, last part

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
     other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
     wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
    body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 16:54:42 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes] 

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 17 April, 1997

1. (HAITI) A police inspector disguised in a woman's dress killed a
former mayoral candidate, Henri Bonaducci, during pre-carnival revelry,
radio stations reported Monday. The report said the fatal shooting
happened when Bonaducci's limousine stopped to pick up a prostitute in
the seamy Les Merdes section of Port Au Prince.  Said the police
inspector who killed Bonaducci, "I was running a covert ... uhh,
anti-prostitution sting, and the guy got a little carried away."  No
mention was made as to why the inspector made a visit to the Port Au
Prince hospital directly after the incident to have his penis sewn back
on.  -ROIDERS, 17 APR-

2. (ZAIRE) The Army, reportedly backed by foreign mercenaries, claimed
Friday it was advancing toward Goma and Bukavu. When it was pointed out
that these cities lay to the east and they were headed west, the Army
claimed to be "going all the way around the Earth to attack them from
behind." Though the Army was indeed making impressive speed running in
that direction, it declined to explain how dropping their guns and
screaming in terror fit in to this strategy. (Network23, 17 Apr)

3. (KUWAIT) An assassin shot and killed the leader of Kuwait's labor
union, Mebbi Al-Sweepit, during a press conference today.  Al-Sweepit,
a Kuwaiti national, died enroute to a hospital.  This brings to zero
the number of Kuwaitis who actually do manual labor.
-ROIDERS, 17 APR-

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 17:49:13 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: TOP FIVE REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE ( Obiously off. to males)

A few days ago, someone posted the reasons why computers must be females
but as I didn't see the reasons why must be male, I'm posting the second
part of the joke.

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a
network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than
they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in
for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much
in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered
system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have
their attention.
____________________________________________
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 19:13:49 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Necktie Joke

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain
admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one.  He sees a set of jumper cables
in his trunk.  In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -
just don't start anything."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 19:45:24 -0700
From:    Scotty <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Star Wars Top Ten over Star Trek(off. to Trekies)

Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the
Star trek universe:

10 - In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
     "stun."

9 - The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter
    containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp -- the
    Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8 - After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
    Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable -- after some
    Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.

7 - Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
    action.

6 - Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
    encounters.

5 - One word: lighsabers.

4 - The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
    Slave I.

3 - The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

2 - Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1 - Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
    one-quarter impluse power.  Han Solo floors it.

http://members.tripod.com/~scollier/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 19:45:55 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Road Kill Meals <off. to environmentalists, animal lovers>

Traveling by car across the country recently, I decided to live off the
land, so to speak, and use some of the delicious road-kill recipes that came
out on some of the lists a few years ago.  I not only enjoyed some of the
old favourites, but even added a vew new cuisine delights to the menu.

Before leaving the Old Growth Forest areas of the Northwest, I enjoyed some
very lovely "Potted Owl".

Later, in the swamp country of Texas I found am exotic eating place. On the
wall there was a sign that said, "Save the Whooping Crane: ask for a doggie
bag."  Reminded me of the sign I saw out West that had urged "Save the
Whales; Get the whole set." Near Corpus Christi, passing a kennel,  I found
ingredients for a new type of corn pone that deserves wider notice. I
suggest calling it "Hushed Puppies". Some of these Southern dishes go down
well with "Armadilli Picalilli".

While crossing the Northern Plains I personally invented a new menu item:
"Wild Rice 'n Bison." It really went down well when served with "'Coon
Curry"; I am sure it would go over big in India and Bangladesh.  Oh, yes, I
finished off the meal with a meat/melon salad: "Antelope and Cantaloupe".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 21:53:04 -0500
From:    Joe <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: HOW TO BE ANNOYING

Sent to me today by a friend.....~Joe
_____________________
HOW TO BE ANNOYING

     * Adjust the tine on your TV so that all the people are green, and
     insist that you "like it that way".

     * Drum on every available surface.

     * Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

     * Staple papers in the middle of the page.

     * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

     * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

     * Set alarms for random times.

     * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor
       off.

     * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

     * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
       noise.

     * Honk and wave to strangers.

     * Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
       rental movies.

     * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
       complementary mints by the cash register.

     * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

     * Pay for your dinner in pennies.

     * Light road flares on a birthday cake.

     * Wander through a restaurant asking other diners for their parsley.

     * Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

     * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

     * Push all the lego pieces together tightly.

     * At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

     * Wear a cap that says "Magnificent One".

     * FINISH the 99 bottles of beer song.

     * Leave your turn signal on for 3 miles.

     * Name your dog "Dog".

     * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

     * Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, try a Southern Drawl.

     * Forge the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener that it
       was a real hoot.

     * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
       you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

     * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
       with Lysol.

     * Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.

     * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

     * Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being the
       first in the phone book.  Claim it's a Hawaiian name and demand that
       people pronounce each A.

     * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
       if they slow down.

     * Chew on pens that you have borrowed.

     * Sing along at the opera.

     * Mow your lawn with scissors.

     * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
       prophecy".

     * Incessantly recite annoying phrases (sticky wicket isn't cricket is
       a good one to try.)

     * Stare at static on the TV and claim that you can see a "magic
       picture".

     * Select the same song on the jukebox 50 times.

     * Scuff your feet on dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

     * Signal a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

     * Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

     * Send twenty copies of this list to everyone you know.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Apr 1997 10:03:13 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Of Old Age <adult>

    An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony.  He asks if he
    can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to
    join.  He strips and goes for a walk.  After a while the man becomes
    tired and sits on a bench to relax.  Along comes a beautiful woman and
    the sight of her causes the old man to become excited.  The woman,
    noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and
    satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.  The man is thrilled.  He
    hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately
    and pays
    his dues.  The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another
    walk.  While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up.
     A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs
    anal sex on the old man.  The elderly gentleman hurries back to the
    office to cancel his membership.

    "But why", asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of
    the greatest places you ever visited."

    "Yes", replies the old man, "but at my age I only get excited once
    every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1997 to 18 Apr 1997
************************************************
