HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1997 to 17 Apr 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 906 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Health Notes
  2. Test your I.Q. on Sex !<adult>
  3. Visual Humor (off. to nuns)
  4. HUMOR - Facelift anyone?
  5. Humor: Pets in the Press <clean>
  6. Something to think about
  7. Humor: Light bulb joke <not offensive>
  8. This week's funnies  (not offensive)
  9. MISDIAGNOSIS <adult>
 10. HUMOR: Generic Joke
 11. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
 12. Sluggo Press Release
 13. Internet Light Bulb <not offensive>
 14. The Passover Program
 15. Happy April 15th!
 16. Confessions <clean>
 17. HUMOR: In The News - Humorous News Quips

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 02:31:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Health Notes

* Have ya ever noticed that most doctors cure poor people a lot faster ?
                                - - - - -

* A specialist is a doctor with a small practice and a very large house.
                                - - - - -

*   A man goes with his wife to the doctor's office.  Shortly after she
  goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out and sez to the
  husband, "I don't like the way your wife looks at all."
    The husband sez, "Well doc, neither do I to be honest, but she's
  a great lil' homemaker and real good with the kids."
                                - - - - -

* Actually, I only had one real main concern while I was in the hospital.
  I wanted to somehow be sure that my doctors didn't attend the same damn
  school as the cooks.
                                - - - - -

* Tell ya what though, the doctors are all sure getting younger.  Last week
  I saw a surgeon with his operating gloves pinned onto his scrubs.
                                - - - - -

* And those anesthesiologists -- I don't know about them at all!  I mean,
  they all say the same thing over and over -- "Breath in, breathe out".
  Now I ask ya, how in the hell else are ya supposed to breathe ?
                                - - - - -

* Don't ya just hate it when you go to the doctor's and you're sitting on
  the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new
  one you describe, he backs a little further away ?
                                - - - - -

* These days the first entry in your medical history is if you pay your bills
  on time.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 12:52:24 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Test your I.Q. on Sex !<adult>

Sexual Tension Quiz

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try
to determine what the object or thing is that is being
described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2
points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more
sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in
need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are
classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.

11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

Answers:(And I know what the general feeling is ;))

1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent
6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney


Chalapathi

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 09:49:16 -0400
From:    Skip Johnstone <GSkipJ@AOL.COM>
Subject: Visual Humor (off. to nuns)

What is black and white and red all over, and can't walk through a revolving
door?

A nun with a spear through her head!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:34:49 -0400
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Facelift anyone?

A woman of a certain age is walking down the street when she
hears a voice say, "You will live to be 105."  She attempts
to ignore the voice, but it continues and she finally figures
out it is God speaking to her.

The woman figures if she's going to live such a long life, she's
going to look good - so, she takes advantage of every trick known
to modern medicine - Boob lift, tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction,
the works.

About six months later, she's again on her way down the road.
She steps off the curb and is hit by a bus.  When she arrives at the
pearly gates she demands of God, "Why did you have me die when less
than a year ago you told me I'd live to be 105?"  God's response:
"I didn't recognize you..."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 11:13:55 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Humor: Pets in the Press <clean>

Tired of animal heroics?  Here's some media accounts of pets we never get to
see:

Zbaraz, Man., July 2 (MP) - First to detect the smoke and flame filling the
corridors of  the Moose Hotel last night was a two-year-old Irish dachshund,
O'Shultz, who quickly jumped out an open bedroom window, trotted silently
down the back stairs, let himself out through a broken cellar window and ran
to the nearest hydrant.  Fifty-six people burned to death.

Zwicky, B.C. April 30 (VP) - Two weeks ago Harold Lagersnifter piled his
bulldog, Winston, into the car and drove 400 miles to a friend's cottage at
the seaside.  The next day Winston disappeared and after a long search
Lagersnifter resigned himself to the loss of his pet.  Two weeks later, his
vacation over, Lagersnifter drove the 400 miles back home, and what do you
suppose was waiting for him on his porch? You guessed it: 14 quarts of milk.

Zephyr, Texas, Aug. 15 (DP) - The will of  Mrs. Stuyvesant S. Slud, widow of
multimillionaire Slud, was probated today before an excited gathering of
 family lawyers.  Mrs. Slud, who for the past 50 years has resolutely shut
out the world from her huge house, preferring to live alone with only her
parrot, Eustace, to keep her company, made Eustace her only heir by leaving
him two crackers and a note saying, "Talk your way out of that, you little
b------!"  The rest of the Slud fortune went to pay taxes.

Zilwaukee, Mich., Nov. 11 (HP) - For two long months now fisherman Ole
Swenson's small, spotted dog (name of Mutt) has been sitting on the end of
the local wharf, staring out to sea.  Observers who feed Mutt regularly say
he never leaves his vigil, though his appetite remains excellent.  Questioned
at his shack a few feet from the wharf, where he has been during the entire
period of Mutt's watch, Swenson said: "Don't ask me.  He lives his life and I
live mine."

- plucked from the article "Pets in the Press" by Eric Nicol

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 13:08:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Something to think about

              Here's something to think about...

 If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
 it considered a hostage situation?

 Is there another word for synonym?

 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

 When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
 thrown away?

 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 Why do they report power outages on TV?

 What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
 endangered plant?

 What's another word for thesaurus?

 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will
 clean them?

 If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
 headlights off?

 If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

 Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
 remain silent?

 If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

 Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of
 parachutes?

 Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

 If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

 If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
 locks on its doors?

 If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your
 headlights, what happens?

 You know how most packages say, " Open here? "  What should you do if
 the package says, " Open somewhere else? "

 Why don't we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?

 Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called
 shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 You know that indestructible little black box that is used on
 airplanes, why can't they make the whole plane out of that same substance?

 Why is that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
 the radio down?

 Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

 What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

 If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? "

 If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 Why do noses run and feet smell?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 12:10:05 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Light bulb joke <not offensive>

I pulled this from another mailing list.  The originator appears to be
either Peter Celano or Charles Petras.

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
    to change a light bulb?

A:  1,331:
        1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
          list that the light bulb has been changed
       14 to share similar experiences of changing light
          bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
          changed differently.
        7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
       27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
          changing light bulbs.
       53 to flame the spell checkers
      156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
          the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
          to this mail list.
       41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
      109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
          to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
      203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
          alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
          light bulbs be stopped.
      111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
          are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
          **are** relevant to this mail list.
      306 to debate which method of changing light
          bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
          what brand of light bulbs work best for this
          technique, and what brands are faulty.
       27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
          different light bulbs
       14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
          to post corrected URLs.
        3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
          are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
          relevant to this list.
       33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
          them including all headers and footers, and then
          add "Me Too."
       12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
          because they cannot handle the light bulb
          controversey.
       19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
        4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
        1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
       47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
          was meant for, leave it here.
      143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 12:30:39 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: This week's funnies  (not offensive)

>>>Bus driver replaces mental patients
Source: "Financial Mail" - South Africa
Contributor: Gordon Legg [glegg@iafrica.com]

+++ HARARE, Zimbabwe (04-04) - After 20 mental patients disappeared
from his bus, the driver replaced them with sane citizens and delivered
them to a mental hospital.
The unidentified bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from
the capital city of Harare to Bulawayo Mental Hospital when he decided
to stop for a few drinks at an illegal roadside liquor store. Upon his
return he was shocked to discovered that all the mental patients have
escaped. Desperate for a solution, the driver stopped at the next bus
stop and offered free bus rides to several people. He then delivered
them to the mental hospital and informing the staff they were easily
excitable.
It took the medical personnel three days to uncover the foul play.
The real mental patients are still at large.

+++ LAKEVIEW, Mich. (The Sun, UK 04-06) - Contributor: John Heisel
[neko@tversu.ac.ru] - David Kruithoff saved $30,000 by doing his own
dental work. He made his own false teeth from stones and sewed them
into his jaw using needle and thread. "Now I don't have dental problems
and it's cost me the price of a beer," Kruithoff said.

+++ DALLAS (04-10) - Contributor: [shodai@pipeline.com] - Last week
in Texas, the Legislature passed a law mandating that criminals provide
at least 24 hour notice to their potential victims before they
perpetrate their crime.

+++ LONDON (Reuters, 04-11) - Contributor: Barry Wood
[BarryWood@compuserve.com] - Roger Penrose, a mathematical
physicist and expert on black holes, is suing the U.S. paper
products manufacturer Kimberly-Clarke Corp. for stealing one of
his design and using it to decorate toilet paper.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 14:16:32 -0400
From:    Jacqueline C Grant <jgrant@HEJIRA.HUNTER.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: MISDIAGNOSIS <adult>

I got this one from my friend Edwin

        A man one day, went to a doctor about a severe pain he had from
his neck to his forehead.  After close examination, the doctor said that
the only cure was to be castrated.  In horror and disbelief, the man went
to a world renoun doctor in Paris France - the best in the world, and asked
him for his opinion. To his dismay, he was again told that castration was
the only cure.  Alas, the pain was so terrible, he did what was recommended.
        After the operation, he went to a very expensive clothing store to
get a new suit in an attempt to console himself.  While he was there, an
attendant told him that he would let him have the complete outfit for FREE
if he the attendant, was unable to guess correctly the sizes of every
article the man was wearing, from his shoes up.  The man gladly accepted
the offer (remember, this is a very expensive store).  The attendant then
proceeded, and was correct about the shoes and the pants.  But when he
said that the shirt was size sixteen and a half, the man jumped for joy,
and told him he was wrong, because he wore a size sixteen.  However, the
attendant calmly told him that he wears sixteen and a half, because if he
wore a sixteen, he would have a severe pain from his neck to his forehead.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 13:34:23 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Generic Joke

  A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
 considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
 person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set
 of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.  The first person acted in
 a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
 group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered
 to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his
 companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first
 meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with
 his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
 membership in his particular ethnic group.  The first person took
 offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 14:02:10 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

                 Pot Buyer Calls Attention To The Problem.

 By JOHN MAKEIG - Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 Some enterprising person found an eye-catching way this week to call
attention to drug abuse in Houston schools.

 They sent small baggies of marijuana to the school superintendent, the
police chief, the mayor and the Houston Chronicle's city desk.

 The baggies, containing about enough pot for one cigarette, were
accompanied by a letter saying the weed was purchased in the lunchroom of a
2,000-student high school.

 Signed "name withheld to avoid prosecution," the letters said: "Though
students are watched in the lunchroom and at other places on school
grounds, the watchers were never able to see the drug trafficking taking
place in front of them. Many dealers wear coats to school and carry their
supplies in the coat pockets."

 Lt. Fred Lewis, director of substance abuse monitors for Houston's
schools, said the marijuana that arrived at Superintendent Rod Paige's
office was "sure shocking."

 "That's one way to get people's attention," Lewis said.

 A Chronicle editor said the paper plans to give the substance to police.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 20:56:31 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 16 April, 1997

1. (WASHINGTON)  The Clinton administration, in a shrewd diplomatic
move to remind China that their 'most favored nation' status is not as
secure as they might believe, dispatched former president Richard Nixon
to Beijing on Wednesday.  Chinese premier Dum Ping Truk was struck for
words as the mummified remains of former President Nixon shambled into
the reception area.  However, Deng Xiaoping and the other corpses who
make up the Chinese Politburo seemed to recognize one of their own, and
used their dessicated vocal cords to produce nearly-human grunts of
joy.  Technicians on loan from Disney Studios who helped make Nixon's
visit possible were even able to make the former President wave and
grin, despite minor technical difficulties with Mr. Nixon's right arm,
which fell off several times and had to be reattached with duct tape.
Many of these technicians were the same crew who had used advanced
electronic technology to enable Nixon to simulate human emotion
during the 1972 presidential campaign. "It's actually easier now that
he's dead," one commented.  -ROIDERS, 16 APR-

2. (ALGERIA) In Ouled Ali, 60 mi. south of Algiers, 40 people had their
throats slit Friday, bringing higher international visibility to the
budding company, 'The Ouled Ali Throat Slitting Company' (NASDAQ:
TOATSC). Despite the inevitable outcome of the transaction, customers
continue to flock in droves to Ouled Ali to pay the equivelent of $1500
US dollars to have pleasant, razor-wielding attendants slit their
throats, after which they are unceremoniously dumped in a heap out
back.  -SLUG, 16 APR-

3. (IRAQ) Iraqi President Saddam Hussein may be concealing biological
weapons and missile production capability in his moustache, a German
newspaper reported. China, acting in its role as Global Fashion
Policeman, has called for a UN resolution to have the moustache razed
by a team of international inspectors. (Network23, 16 Apr)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 22:12:05 -0400
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Internet Light Bulb <not offensive>

I received this from a web design list I subscribe to


 Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
      to change a light bulb?
 A:  1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
            list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light
            bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
            changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
            changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
            the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
            to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
            to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
            alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
            light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
            are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
            **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light
            bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
            what brand of light bulbs work best for this
            technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
            different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
            to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
            are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
            relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
            them including all headers and footers, and then
            add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
            because they cannot handle the light bulb
            controversey.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
            was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

by Michael W. Barry <mikeb@mwbdesign.com>
--


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
http://patriot.net/~hobie

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 23:06:21 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: The Passover Program

THE HAGGADAH - IN COMPUTER COMMAND LANGUAGE
===========================================

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL

Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

Load Moses

Done

Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA

HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine

Destroy calf

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 16:41:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Happy April 15th!

>Sent From: Richard Reed <richardr@symphony.aud.alcatel.com>

THE STRONGEST PERSON:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out of the lemon would win the money. Many people had tried over
time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the man. But the crowd's laughter turned
to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"

His reply: "I work for the IRS."

---
When guns are outlawed, how will liberals collect taxes

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Apr 1997 09:32:58 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Confessions <clean>

 A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the
 confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
 street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn't
 know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay
 with him for a little bit and show him what to do.  The rabbi comes and
 he and the priest are in the confessional.

 In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive
 me for I have sinned."  The priest asks "What did you do?".
 The woman says "I committed adultery."
 Priest: "How many times?"  Woman: "Three times."
 Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

 A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.  He says "Father
 forgive me for I have sinned."
 Priest: "What did you do?"  Man: "I committed adultery."
 Priest:"How many times?"  Man: "Three times."
 Priest:  "Say two Hail Marys put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

 The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
 leaves.

 A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me
 for I have sinned."
 Rabbi: "What did you do?"
 Woman: "I committed adultery."
 Rabbi: "How many times?"
 Woman: "Once."
 Rabbi: "Go do it two more times.We have a special this week, three for
 $5."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 21:48:34 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING: May be offensive to the IRS, lawyers, gays, AOL, women, Bill
Clinton, American Indians, OJ Simpson, blacks, the French. Includes
references to sex, drug use.

Yesterday was tax day - the day we all set our clocks back to
take-my-savings time.
Post offices were open late to accommodate last minute filers. Great - our
two favorite government experiences in one place.

It's Springtime again. Here in Los Angeles the sun came out, the flowers
came out, Ellen came out...

A solar flare has hit the Earth, but isn't expected to disrupt television
transmissions, telephone lines or computer networks. Sadly, those tasks
still fall to infomercials, nagging parents and America Online.

The Air Force unveiled the F-22 stealth fighter, that is practically
undetectable to radar. It is sleek, fast and even comes with a homing chip
to help them when they loose it.

A survey of American workers found that almost half admit to committing
unethical or illegal acts at work in the past year. I guess there are a few
more Friends of Bill than we thought.

The Hollywood Women's Political Committee is disbanding because members
feel money has corrupted politics. They want Washington to remain pure and
unaffected by money - the way Hollywood has.

Census figures find that one in 10 Americans was born in another country.
This country was built on immigration. Well, actually, it was built on
Indian lands, thanks to immigration. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

New documents released by the Liggett Group show that in the '50s and '60s
its cigarettes contained hazardous substances including something called
Toxikil. Who would name something Toxikil? Was the name Deathgel already
taken? (Leno)

Two researchers at Rutgers University recently announced that they may have
found a way to produce an "orgasm pill", a drug that can actually simulate
an orgasm. Personally, I think they're faking it. (rec.humor.funny)

Several public schools in Los Angeles served fruit cups contaminated with
hepatitis A. This is what happens when you try to make lunches healthy. Let
me ask you, have you ever heard of someone getting a bad Twinkie? No. Ever
see a fruit fly on a Twinkie? No, they won't go near them. It's only the
fresh fruit. (Leno)

A Sacramento Shell station has introduced "Smart Pump", a robotic device
that pumps gas while you relax in your car. They used to have another name
for this - full service. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Sheriff's deputies seized possessions from OJ Simpson's Brentwood mansion.
They took his golf clubs. Now the mystery will never be solved. (Cutler
Daily Scoop) Deputies also seized paintings, helmets, trophies and an
unusually sharp letter opener.

Ellen Degeneres held a news conference to publicly admit that she is gay.
Bill Cosby is also scheduled to hold a news conference to publicly admit
that he is black. (rec.humor.funny)

Pepsi signed a deal to be the only official drink of major league baseball.
This has some members of the New York Yankees confused - how in the world
do you snort Pepsi?

At Camp Lejeune, women fired live ammunition for the first time in Marine
Corps history. If the experiment succeeds, women Marines will be allowed to
operate TV remotes.

British astronomers have discovered new galaxies that may help to explain
the nature of the universe. A galaxy is a 'large, independent collection of
very old stars', kind of like Nick at Night.

Hilton Hotels will build Paris Las Vegas, an Eiffel Tower replica, 3,000
room hotel and casino. It's very authentic. The only act will be Jerry
Lewis, the dealers ignore you and there is no soap.

The New York Times says 10% of the NFL's 1,500 players are addicted to
painkillers. It's peer pressure. Many players feel that if you can't wrap
your car around a tree and walk away, you don't belong in the game.

Missouri officials are trying to name the woodchuck the official state
rodent. This beats last year's state rodent, F. Lee Bailey.

And finally, researchers in London have discovered that women with very
large rear ends are healthier and live longer. Here's a warning to all the
guys out there. As happy as you think your wife or girlfriend will be to
have this information, you might want to let her find out herself. This is
not an article you clip out and put on the refrigerator door... trust me...
(Leno)



Don't bum me down with your jive, man

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1997 to 17 Apr 1997
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