HUMOR Digest - 15 Apr 1997 to 16 Apr 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 464 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The OS and Bill Gates
  2. Sexual
  3. Animal Kingdom <adult humor>
  4. Ways to psyche HUMOR readers, Part 3 <clean>
  5. HUMOR: We always knew this, didn't we?
  6. Hit it how??? (might be off. to some women)
  7. HUMOR:Offensive to Michael Jackson, adult
  8. Cheery Dickinson <clean>
  9. Rubik's Cube (adult theme)
 10. Sluggo Press Release
 11. HUMOR: Internet mailing lists
 12. 50 fun things to do in an elevator 3/5
 13. April 15th Tax Humor
 14. I Like Monkeys.
 15. Horse-racing tongue twister

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Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 17:53:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The OS and Bill Gates

Damned Operating Systems!

(The numbers are obtained by translating each character (letter, number,
space, etc.) into its corresponding ASCII value.)

It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category:

M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 <====

W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

S  Y  S  T  E  M     7  .  0
83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666<=====


Coincidence? I think not!


------------------------------------------------------------------------

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is
known as Bill Gates (III), where ``III'' means the order of third (3rd).

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
adding his (III), you get the following:

B  I  L  L  G  A  T  E  S  (III)
66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666 (!!!)

Some might ask, ``How did Bill Gates get so powerful?'' Coincidence? Or
just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement? You decide!

---
The most dangerous food is Wedding Cake.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 08:04:35 GMT
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Sexual

It seems that the old Scot was sitting in the bar sipping his good scotch
   whisky, talking to a young man about life.

   The young man had asked McTavish why he was so gloomy and sad.

   " Ye see that fence out there? I built that fence when I was a young
   man. Each stone, I dug out of the ground and put it carefully in place,
   a true work of art that will last well beyond me. But did anyone ever
   see me walk down the street and say 'There goes McTavish the
   stonemason.' ? No laddie, they never did."

   "And how 'bout this very bar where we now sit. I handcrafted this bar,
   planed it so smooth and applied the varnish. Truly a masterpiece for all
   to see. But does anybody refer to me as McTavish the carpenter or the
   master craftsman? No laddie they don't."

   "And the mill, laddie, I been workin' at the mill all my life, but do
   people call me McTavish the miller? Never in my life."

   The young man replied by asking what these things had to do with the old
   man being so glum and McTavish replied, "You do all those things and
   nothing happens. But you f*ck one lousy sheep....."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 04:14:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Animal Kingdom <adult humor>

*   The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused
  in front of the monkey island.  Mystified as to the whereabouts of
  the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"
    "They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in
  the midst of the mating season."
    "I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered
  them some of these peanuts ?"
    Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I
  know Miss.  Would you ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in
  popularity.  During his first week in England he had been invited
  almost everywhere, feted and entertained.  Now, for reasons unknown,
  his phone had fallen silent and no invitations appeared in the mail.
  Perplexed, he called his friend Sir Reginald.
     "Reggie old boy, you can speak frankly with me," said the man,
  "What's happened ?  I'm being virtually ostracized."
     "Well, old chap," Reggie replied, "think back to the Royal Fox
  Hunt last week.  I'm afraid it's customary to cry 'Tally ho !  Your
  Majesty' when you sight the fox -- not, I'm afraid, "There goes the
  dirty little son-of-a-bitch toots!'"
                                - - - - -

* Consider if you will the Laughing Hyena.  They eat only once a day,
  move their bowels about once a month and mate only once per year.  I
  mean what the hell do these animals have to laugh about anyway ?
                                - - - - -

* Ever wonder how porcupines make love ???
  Carefully --  very, very carefully !!!
                                - - - - -

* I don't doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar
  or honey than ya can with vinegar.  But...  who in the hell wants a
  lot of flies anyway ?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 12:21:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ways to psyche HUMOR readers, Part 3 <clean>

Some general advice:

* Assume that readers actually LIVE for your jokes and that,
  if they do not see your name for more that 24 hours, there will be
  a wave of mass suicides throughout planet Earth. Perceive your daily
  posts as a life-saving mission on a planetary scale.
* Always send posts in plain ASCII text, so they look like:
  upon ^^^><921> the raw ?code***** dished++ up +++++==90s, etc.

Now, to specifics:

*  Post a Q & A, like: Q. What's the difference between Barbie
   and a 500-pound gorilla? Add 350 blank lines. Do not post
   the answer.
*  Variation: Same as above, but after the blank lines, write the
   question again. Do it 10 times. The 11th time, after the blank
   lines, write: "Oops, I believe I got into a loop."
*  Start posting a "serial" joke, in parts. State that it is part
   1 of 38. The following day, post the first part again. Do it 38 times.
*  Post a convoluted, but plausible conjuration for summoning
   a Demon. Resist the temptation to make it long. (That's hard, I know,
   but it is critical that the readers actually read it).
   Add some blank lines, then write: "You have summoned the Demon Gamygyn,
   who has possessed your computer and is going to haunt you whenever
   you switch on your machine. Particularly effective on Networks."

That's it, finito.  R.I.P  (Repost In Peace)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 08:40:04 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: We always knew this, didn't we?

Academe Today's DAILY REPORT for subscribers of The Chronicle of Higher Education.  Here are news bulletins from The Chronicle of Higher Education
for Tuesday, April 15.

 *  A DISTINGUISHED BRITISH MATHEMATICIAN, Sir Roger Penrose, is
    in a snit over a popular brand of toilet tissue. One of the
    designs printed on the tissue, he claims, bears too much
    resemblance to the mathematics-based "Penrose Pattern" that
    he discovered.

Copyright (c) 1997 The Chronicle of Higher Education, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 10:18:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hit it how??? (might be off. to some women)

 A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing
 as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The
 husband   has his lesson first.  After the pro sees his swing, he says,
 "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"
 "Well, what should I do?"  asks the man.
 "Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold  your
 wife's breast."

 The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW!  He hits the ball 250
 yards straight up the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her
 lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "NO, no, no, you're
 gripping the club way too hard."
 "What can I do?" asks the wife.
 "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

 The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
 The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet. "That was
 great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle.  Now take the club out of your
 mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 10:30:16 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR:Offensive to Michael Jackson, adult

Did you hear that Michael Jackson tried to give money to the group BOYS
TO MEN?

He thought it was a delivery service!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 10:33:41 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cheery Dickinson <clean>

Stole this bit from articled called the Edge in the Oregonian newspaper:

The poems of Emily Dickinson are majorly dreary and depressing.  But
thankfully, most of her stuff perks right up if you sing it to the
"Gilligan's Island" theme. Give it a try:

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And immortality.

Or try this one:

I heard a fly buzz when I died;
The stillness round my form
Was like the stillness in the air
Between the heaves of storm.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 15:35:20 -0400
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Rubik's Cube (adult theme)

How are a Rubik's Cube and a penis similiar?

They both get hard after you play with them for a while.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 17:14:24 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sluggo Press Release - 15 April, 1997

1.(WEST BANK) A representative of the militant Hamas organization in
Hebron says his group has agreed to suspend using violence to achieve
political goals in the West Bank city. After details of the
alternative were made public, however, the representative claimed that
Hamas doesn't consider hiring Dennis Rodman to kick political rivals in
the balls 'violent'. Mr. Rodman, when questioned at his Chicago
fortress about moonlighting for Hamas, responded by shattering a SLUGGO
correspondant's jaw with a ball-peen hammer.  -SLUG, 15 APR-

2.(COLOMBIA) Colombia's main unions agreed Friday to launch a
nationwide strike, raising the specter of severe social unrest
just four days after the government declared a state of economic
emergency. Once summoned, however, the specter ranged out of control
across the countryside, terrorizing villages and slaughtering
small animals. Union leaders apprehended the specter after a week-long
specter hunt only to discover that it was actually Juan Valdez, owner
of the haunted coffee plantation. "I would have gotten away with it
too, if it hadn't been for those meddling union officials," mr Valdez
muttered to SLUGGO press officials. -REUSTRS, 15 APR-

3.(SOUTH KOREA-NORTH KOREA) The South Korean Red Cross on
Monday said it would resume food shipments to the North this
month for the first time since the North Korean army ate the last
team of South Korean Red Cross volunteers. -REUSTRS, 15 APR-

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 17:25:20 EDT
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Internet mailing lists

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
     to change a light bulb?

A:  1,331:
         1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
           list that the light bulb has been changed
        14 to share similar experiences of changing light
           bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
           changed differently.
         7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
        27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
           changing light bulbs.
        53 to flame the spell checkers
       156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
           the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
           to this mail list.
        41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
       109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
           to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
       203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
           alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
           light bulbs be stopped.
       111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
           are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
           **are** relevant to this mail list.
       306 to debate which method of changing light
           bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
           what brand of light bulbs work best for this
           technique, and what brands are faulty.
        27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
           different light bulbs
        14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
           to post corrected URLs.
         3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
           are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
           relevant to this list.
        33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
           them including all headers and footers, and then
           add "Me Too."
        12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
           because they cannot handle the light bulb
           controversey.
        19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
         4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
         1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
        47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
           was meant for, leave it here.
       143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 17:32:30 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 50 fun things to do in an elevator 3/5

50 fun things to do in an elevator 3/5

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
     of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
     them.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 15:35:31 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: April 15th Tax Humor


What the top 5 Government officials did on April 15:

5) Supreme Court: Decides to hear several IRS cases next fall.
         [Avoids Tax audits with huge ISP tax deduction for CDA case.]
4) Al Gore: Writes off long distance phone calls to China.
         [Also buys $1,000 worth of untraceable Cash Phone Cards]
3) Reno: Consults with tax advisors
         [Special Prosecutor appointments tax deductible?]
2) Newt: Offers legislation to punish IRS for looking into peoples taxes
         [Hopes to gain popularity]
1) Clinton: Reminding donors that contributions are tax deductible.
         [Hopes to gain more contributions in an off-year election]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:16:41 GMT
From:    "CPL FOLKEDAHL, BLT 2/1 ISC" <folkedahls@MTACCS.BOXER.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: I Like Monkeys.

        I like monkeys.  The pet store was selling them for five cents a
piece.  I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand.  I
decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.

        I like monkeys.  I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I
let one of them drive.  His name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact,
none of them were really bright.  They kept punching themselves in the
genitals.  I laughed.  They punched me in the genitals.  I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.  Two hours later I found out
why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died.  No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead.  Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and
it dies five hours later.  God damn cheap monkeys.  I didn't know what to do.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the
dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.  I
tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.  Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.  I
tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for
awhile, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to
call a plumber. I was embarrassed.  I tried to slow down the decomposition by
freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so
I had to change them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the
freezer so it didn't go bad.  I tried to burn them, but little did I know
that my bed was flammable.  I had to extinguish the fire.  Then I had one
dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and
one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.  I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead
monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.  So I went and severely beat
one of the monkeys.  I felt better.  I tried throwing them away but the
garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I
told him I had a wet one.  He couldn't take it either.  I didn't bother
asking about the frozen ones.  I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them
out as Christmas gifts.  My friends didn't quite know what to say.  They
pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I
punched them in the genitals.

        I like monkeys.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 22:59:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Horse-racing tongue twister

My friend, who thinks HUMOR doesn't provide anyone enough humor,
sent me this tongue twister

From:           "Story, James" <James_Story@jdedwards.com>

Wun-wun was a race horse
Tu-Tu was one, too.
Wun-Wun won one race.
Tu-Tu won one, too.

told to me by an Austrian woman in Italy.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Apr 1997 to 16 Apr 1997
************************************************
