HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1997 to 15 Apr 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 558 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Columbia Maryland Yuppies
  2. Ways to psyche HUMOR readers, Part 2 <clean>
  3. The Dying Widow
  4. HUMOR: offensive to the religious
  5. Automobile Name Game <clean>
  6. Tasteless Joke about Jews
  7. five reasons computers must be female
  8. Thought for the day
  9. A Union Shop (offensive to union members, women)
 10. NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part 3/3)
 11. How much??? (not off.)
 12. HUMOR: Alone in the intellectual world
 13. Humor: Theory vs. Reality
 14. Cereal (Not offensive)
 15. Sluggo Press Release
 16. J.C. jokes (offensive to Christians)
 17. Look Busy <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 03:11:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Columbia Maryland Yuppies

*   I was at this fund raiser thing the other week and this Yuppie
  acquaintance from Columbia Maryland came over to bend my ear about
  all his latest acquisitions, as well as the purchase prices.  After
  about 10 minutes, he finally paused and said, "Oh, by the way Jimbo,
  I passed your house just the other day."
    I sighed heavily and said, "Ohhhhhh, thank you !"
                                - - - - -

* Columbia Maryland is some town.  The first game the kids learn to
  play is hide-and-go-shop.
                                - - - - -

* When Columbia Maryland was built, the Howard County Police Department
  had to retrain all their dogs to sniff out domestic quiche.
                                - - - - -

* And they've got some of the most unique carry-outs too.  Why just the
  other month a Kentucky Fried Pheasant place opened.
                                - - - - -

* Naturally a lot of places in the State are into bottled water.  But in
  Columbia, you can request the year.
                                - - - - -

* Don't get me wrong now, I'm all for aesthetics...  But...  Designer
  traffic lights ...  in decorator colors ???
                                - - - - -

* And you can always tell a Columbia Maryland widow.  She'll be the one
  wearing the black tennis and/or jogging outfit(s).
                                - - - - -

* My wife got a recipe once for chicken soup from this Columbia Yuppette.
  The very first instruction was "Bring the Perrier to a slow boil..."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 11:41:32 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ways to psyche HUMOR readers, Part 2 <clean>

Some general advice:

So you copy jokes from other lists and post them to HUMOR? Are you
afraid the readers might call you XXX (your name), The Mindless Mailman,
behind your back? Not if you make the following assumptions:

*  Readers of HUMOR belong to a cult that makes it a sin to read
   jokes posted on other lists.
*  Those who commit this sin are punished by the Deity of Humor
   with a memory loss and are therefore unable to remember those jokes.
*  You are a High Priest of this cult.

Now, to specifics:

*  Make a list of the most widely known quotes and quips by famous
   people. Post them, adding that they are yours and that you thought
   them up last night. Post them again, for 27 consecutive days, in 27
   different languages. Claim that you have done the translations yourself.
*  Post a really fascist, racist, anti-Semitic, anti-Catholic,
   Gay-bashing "joke". Sign as XXX (your name), The Saviour Of Mankind.
   State that it is a Sermon, the first of many to follow.
*  Post a really humorous, original joke. Stop abruptly, in mid-sentence,
   before you get to the punchline. Ignore all requests from readers who
   ask for the complete joke.

There's is some more...

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 20:27:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Dying Widow

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to
the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm's most
prestigious clients.  She was also known for her devoted Christian
faith.  He was ushered into her bedroom, and asked, "What can I do for
you, Mrs. ------- ?"

"Just come and stand beside my bed," she said.  He did so.  About five
minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow's family
interests was brought in.  She instructed him to stand on the other side
of her bed.  After 15 or 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless,
with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do,
the first lawyer said,

"Mrs. --------, I don't want to neglect you at a time like this, but I
left a very important meeting to come here, and I really should be
getting back. I'm sure Mr. (the other lawyer) has a busy schedule, too.
Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go?  We'll be
glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time."

The widow said, "No.  I'm dying, and I don't need any more legal
services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are
until I'm gone, because I've always wanted to die like my Lord did ---
between two thieves!"

---
On a clear disk you can seek forever

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 07:57:43 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: offensive to the religious

And offensive to Jews, Irish, Puerto Ricans, Italians, Blacks, and
Californians. So if you are politically correct....DON'T READ THIS!

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1.      He went into his father's business
2.      He lived at home until the age of 33
3.      He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure
        he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1.      He never got married
2.      He never held a steady job
3.      His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1.      His first name was Jesus
2.      He was always in trouble with the law
3.      His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1.      He talked with his hand
2.      He had wine with every meal
3.      He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
1.      He called everybody brother
2.      He had no permanent address
3.      Nobody would hire him

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1.      He never cut his hair
2.      He walked around barefoot
3.      He invented a new religion

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 10:16:39 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Automobile Name Game <clean>

>From a list of the names of Japanese cars, trucks and minivans compiled at an
automobile trade show in Tokyo:

Subaru Gravel Express
Mazda Bongo Friendee
Nissan Big Thumb Harmonized Truck
Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo
Mazda Scum
Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear Cruising Active
Mazda Proceed Marvie
Daihatsu Town Cube
Subaru Sambar Dias Astonish!!
Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard
Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump

- from Car and Driver magazine

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 07:37:26 PDT
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Tasteless Joke about Jews

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A: A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 09:14:54 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: five reasons computers must be female

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
              ----------------------------------------

5.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.  Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
    memory for future reference.

3.  The native language used to communicate with other computers
    is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.  The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative
    as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
    going to tell you."

1.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 11:47:32 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Thought for the day

  If a man speaks in the forest and
  there is no woman around to hear him,
  is he still wrong?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 13:33:47 -0400
From:    "Linney E. Dew, II" <dewhead%mindspring.com@CTI-PET.COM>
Subject: A Union Shop (offensive to union members, women)

My first posting, I hope you enjoy it...

   A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the
madame,  "Is this a union house?"
   "No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madame.
   "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
   "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the
madame,  "Is this a union house?"
   "No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madame.
   "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
   "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel
where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
   "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
   "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
   "That's more like it!", the man said.  He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.  "I'd like her for the night."
   "I'm sure you would, sir",  said the madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I
want to achieve it through not dying."       --Woody Allen

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 15:18:15 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part 3/3)

EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes
around on the net from time to time... but thanks to
squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK, who posted these on the Giggles List, and
deserves our gratitude, we have an ENTIRELY NEW batch of them.
--------------------

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put
her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident."

"Mr O'Leary had his springs attended to."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

One policyholder, driving down a road, knocked over a pedestrian. The claim
form revealed that the pedestrian's name was J Walker.

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head
through it".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of
my car!"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 13:56:39 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How much??? (not off.)

 A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to
 check out. The traveller puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt.
 The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveller explains that
 the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that
 his bill is only $50 since he didn't make any telephone calls, didn't
 charge anything in the restaurant and diden't use the mini bar. The clerk
 advised that it's for the food that comes with every room.
 "But we didn't consume any of the food", said the traveller.
 "Well that's too bad. It was there and we charge for it", said the clerk.
 "Well then, you owe $75", said the traveller.
 What for?" said the clerk.
 "For screwing my wife last night", said the traveller.
 The clerk explained that he didn't touchhis wife.
 "Well to bad, she was there!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 16:25:59 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Alone in the intellectual world

        "In the ensuing embarrassed silence we stared at our
         classmate, now vulnerable and alone in his intellectual
         birthday suit."

        Robert W. Lucky, SILICON DREAMS: INFORMATION, MAN AND
        MACHINE. New york, St. Martin's Press, 1989, p. 392.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 19:11:27 -0400
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Theory vs. Reality

Johnny comes to Dad, asking, "Dad, what's the diference between theory and
reality?"

Dad says, "Son, I want you to ask your mother and your sister a question,
after which you'll know the difference between theory and reality. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars."

Johnny trots off to Mom in the kitchen, and poses the question to her.
 "Well," mom says, looking rather sheepish, "don't tell your father, but yes,
I'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars."

Johnny goes upstairs to his sister's room. "Sis, would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"  "Are you nuts?!?!" replies sis, "Of course I
would!!"

Johnny goes back downstairs to his father. "Dad," he says, "I think I
understand the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we have two
million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 20:59:28 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cereal (Not offensive)

Cereal
By James Lileks

I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look at the
nutritional information and discovered that it was, in essence, oat-flecked
divots of lard.  I spent a monkish year choking down Grape Nuts, which
resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less taste.   Now I just eat what's
cheap. This week it's Frosted Cheerios.

The word "Frosted" on the box  guarantees that the sugar is clearly visible,
not hidden,  just as the word "Fruit" assures you that several pieces of
fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble from the box, and the
word "Fiber" means that the package will have the digestive effect of
consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.

Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands with the
cheap graphics. The boxes say things like "if you like Fruit 'n' Fiber,
you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!" "If you like Lucky Charms, you'll love Frosted
Pixie Gizzards!" If you like "Alpha Bits, you'll be temporarily confused by
Toasty Random Shapes!"

The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't get work
with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I cannot bring
myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when the mascot leers like
John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an amphetamine jag.

Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just because
I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the
60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal technology - a small
single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It was like something "Q" division
would whip up for James Bond. They came in groups of four - Frosted Flakes,
Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops, and Special K, a cereal that has had the flavor
scientifically extracted. The weakest child got the Special K; it was
nature's way.

It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are camping. You
take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing the inner membrane and
plunging the knife into your leg. You now have a small box of cereal stuck to
your thigh. Next step: scream uncontrollably, causing an adult to quiet your
misery by giving you someone else's Frosted Flakes. Thus does the weakest
child develop a sense of guile. It is nature's way.

The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes have a
mascot:  Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the Arnold Palmer of
the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear -  that Rat-Pack refugee with
the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin manner, the spokescreature most likely to
be brought up on a morals charge. (His co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan
Sam, the Peter Lawford of cereal spokesmen.)  I always got the feeling that
Tony the Tiger would beat Sugar Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance;
guys like Sugar Bear must have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have protested
the Vietnam War; Tony would have supported it.

Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial Communist
insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's cheap. Next week it
goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find something else. Lucky Charms,
perhaps. Nice and apolitical.

Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the IRA.
------

James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse News Service.
He's in the Washington Post now and then. His latest collection is "Fresh
Lies," published by Pocket Books.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 21:45:39 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sluggo Press Release - 14 April, 1997

1. (ZAIRE) The situation in Zaire worsened as rebels closed in on
Lobotomashi, its chief economic city.  A Zaire army commander reported
that the rebels were about 10 miles from the city, and had not (repeat
NOT) elected to punt.  Much of the government's defensive line had been
expended in pushing the rebel team from the city of Kipushi in the
third quarter, with unknown results.  And now, with most of its star
players either injured or shot, the Zaire government's chances of
protecting its division title are looking grim.
- DP, 14 APR -

2. (NORTH KOREA) The United Nations suspects that despite North Korea's
severe food shortage, the North Korean military is staying well-fed
thanks to secret calls to Charlie Chang's Speedy Chinese Takeout in San
Francisco, which has an unlimited delivery area. The ruse was
discovered when the delivery boy accidently brought the order for
20,000,000 servings of kung pao chicken and 1 eggroll to the South
Korean military headquarters. Freddie Kwang, owner of Chang's,
confirmed the report.  "The North Koreans very loyal customers," he
said. "But lousy tippers, not to mention the fact that they apparently
ate the last delivery boy." (Network23, 14 April)

3. (RUSSIA) Itar-Tass reports Russia launched a military spy satellite
Wednesday from the Plesetsk cosmodrome.  The Cosmos satellite,
propelled by a four-stage Molniya M booster, is sporting a yellow silk
ascot with lace trim, and a matching sleeveless evening gown with
pleats.  Total ensemble:  $500. - DP, 14 APR -

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 19:14:21 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: J.C. jokes (offensive to Christians)

From: Mick Powers <ABMP@CATMUS.CAT.CC.MD.US>

What's this?  (Make motions of one hand quickly under the other, down
towards the floor.)

Jesus trying to catch a marble.


Why was Christ crucified and not stoned to death?

So that us Christians can go like this (make sign of the Cross), and not
like this (beat yourself about the head and chest with your fists).

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Apr 1997 09:44:45 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Look Busy <clean>

  A young businessman had just started his own firm.  He'd rented a
  beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.  Sitting there, he
  saw a man come into the outer office.  Wishing to appear busy, the young
  businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal
  working.  He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
  Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

  The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1997 to 15 Apr 1997
************************************************
