HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1997 to 14 Apr 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 337 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Dating Game <adult humor>
  2. Horse Race (innuendo, sexual), & Dave's Top 10
  3. Truly multicultural (May be offensive to some Christians)
  4. 50 Fun things to do in an elevator 2/5
  5. Cloning <clean>
  6. Corporate Downsize Dilemna <Adult>
  7. Sluggo Press Release
  8. c. and ejaculation range (EXPLICIT)

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Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 02:11:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Dating Game <adult humor>

* A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line
  dating services.  I asked him the other day if he had had any luck
  and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.
                                - - - - -

*   After a totally frantic and hot loving making session, the guy
  catches his breath and sez "I'm sorry.  If I would have known you
  were a virgin, I would have taken a lot more time."
    The girl smiles and sez, "Well, to be honest, if I would have only
  known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
                                - - - - -

* Dating is generally defined as that period of time during which a girl
  decides if she can do any better or not.
                                - - - - -

*   Had a date one time with this Yuppette from Columbia Maryland who
  insisted that we attend the ballet.  After we were seated for 5-10
  minutes, she said "There, now, that's not so bad, is it ?"
    I looked over at her and said, "Well no, not yet, but most of the
  time, I can never tell which side is winning."
                                - - - - -

* Sometimes this dating game just ain't worth all the trouble.  I mean,
  it's so damn many people ya gotta please.  Like this one girl, she
  liked me, her Mother liked me, but her Father didn't.  Then there was
  this other girl, both her Mother and Father liked me, but she didn't.
  And the most recent one, she loved me, her Parents liked me, but her
  husband couldn't stand me.
                                - - - - -

* Girl in the Office the other day sez there's basically only two things
  wrong with the available men of today.  Either they're so damn "slow"
  developing any kind of relationship at all that she wants to scream;
  or, they're so damn "fast", she has to !!!

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Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 10:07:20 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Horse Race (innuendo, sexual), & Dave's Top 10

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
--------------------
Read this out loud as if you were an announcer at the track...

THEY'RE OFF:  Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts
are off with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean
Sheets at the back. Douche Bag is completely lost.

AT THE RAIL:  It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is
going in.  Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and
Conscience is completely lost.

AT THE TURN:  It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs
working hard and Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.

AT THE STRETCH:  Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the
kill.  Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big
Dick passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome.

AT THE FINISH:  Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and
it's a dead heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the
finish.  Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience
wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick
spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up
the track.
--------------------
-= 4/10/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
     -= Top Ten Ways to Make Golf More Exciting =-

10. Replace sand traps with bear traps
 9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready to
    rumble!"
 8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical "Dorf" character
 7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let 'em do their stuff
 6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns out
    hilarious
 5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of "Earth Wind and Fire"
 4. Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates
 3. Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named "Fuzzy Tiger"
 2. Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier
 1. New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 14:04:07 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Truly multicultural (May be offensive to some Christians)

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was
   god.

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was for a drink.

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his real father was.

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He took wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trade.

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS FROM CALIFORNIA:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 11:47:23 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 50 Fun things to do in an elevator 2/5

50 Fun things to do in an elevator 2/5

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
     doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
     coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
     and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
     stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
     shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
     announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
     "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 12:44:49 -0400
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cloning <clean>

>From the Washington Post, readers contributions of points to ponder
 on cloning:

Can you clone Al Gore, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?

If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?

Are the pope and his clone both infallible?  What if they disagree
on something?

If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby
O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?

If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show,
wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we can all
look forward to?

Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers,
create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park
called Clonial Williamsburg?

If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us
find out?

If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play
with himself as a child?

Would cloning cheapen and demean those Penthouse "twins"
pictorials?

Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?

Is it true that if you clone yourself four times, one will be
Chinese?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 15:30:48 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Corporate Downsize Dilemna <Adult>

An office manager had money problems which could only be solved by
down-sizing. He was going to have to fire an employee, either Jack
or Jill.

Since they were both good employees he was having a tough time
deciding which one to let go.  He had an idea. He would fire the
employee who came to work late the next morning.  Well, both
employees came to work very early.

Then he decided he would fire the first one who took a coffe break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break that day.  Then
the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day.  They
both ate lunch at their desk.

Then the manager thought he would wait and see who would leave work
the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her
and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem.  I don't know whether to
lay you or Jack off."

Jill answered, " Well, you'd better jack-off, because I'm already
late for my bus."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Apr 1997 15:33:12 -0400
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

---------------------------------------------------------------------

1. (RUSSIA-MIR) Russia launched a Progress-34 cargo craft to take
crucial supplies to the troubled MIR space station. It is due to dock
with MIR on Tuesday. Strangely enough, a Progress-34 cargo craft showed
up at the receiving dock of a Moscow hospital with an electric air
processor, several solar panels, and enough zero-gravity food supplies
to sustain 6 people for several months. Hospital officials complained
loudly that their order was supposed to include 4000 colostomy bags and
10 cases of ipecac syrup. Loading officials for Russia's launching
facility responded by kicking the workers responsible briskly and
repeatedly in the groin. Mir cosmonauts and American couterparts on
board expressed interest in kicking workers in the groin as well, upon
their return to Earth. -REUSTRS, 10 APR-

6. (HAITI) In a protest against unrelenting hardship and poverty,
Haitians Sunday captured, prepared, and barbequed the entirety of the
Haitian senate. Ironically, several Haitian protesters won top prizes
in proxy entries for Louisianna's annual cook-off with such entries as
'Cajun Long-Pig Surprise', 'Haitian Gumbo', and 'Peppered Buttock of
Senator'.  -REUSTRS, 06 APR-

7. (SOUTH KOREA-NORTH KOREA) North Korea has asked for a second
briefing with South Korea and the U.S. on proposed peace talks, Seoul's
foreign ministry spokesman said on Monday. "And bring some candy bars,"
the North Korean spokesman added.  -REUSTRS, 06 APR-

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Apr 1997 03:07:21 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: c. and ejaculation range (EXPLICIT)

This is from a retort to one John D Dalton on a serious list dealing
with a controversial human rights issue who has confided that I
reported my anecdotal experience that restoration was enabling me to
shoot further than previously.  It used to dribble out around the
umbilicus but now often gets up to the shoulders or even onto the face.

This is what some one else has said in response:

I have had the same experience. Although there is still some effect from
energy level and *its* effect on arousal, this distance as described by
Dalton is now very common for me (since restoration). It was at best
infrequent, and mostly rare, before restoration. Also there is nothing
more required than my own body and mind to achieve this (i.e., no
additional visual/partner stimulation needed to enhance arousal and
response.)

Although I doubted D Evans claims, I can now say they are pretty well
*on the mark* and may be totally correct. (I don't know for certain
because my restoration is not yet finished.) It makes sense that results
will  vary somewhat, however, as those mutilated as adults and/or who
had all of the frenum and mucosa removed will probably not be able to
achieve  as great a level of natural stimulation as those of us who have
more sensitive tissue remaining. I also expect that restoration
method(s) will effect level of stimulation and performance. My personal
experience is that the stimulation provided by the different tissues
interacting with each other blend together and create a cornucopia of
sensations that now effects my entire body; orgasms are now convulsive
experiences that do the same. (And your dick doesn't get sore inside and
out!) Very different from before.

We are at the *infancy* of understanding all of this, and the whole
thing  needs to be seriously studied. One thing can be said for certain:
the male reproductive/sexual response is a finely tuned system. All is
interrelated, and if you alter one part of it, yes, it naturally follows
that you will also effect fertility and sexual response. Why it is so
difficult for some to accept this, I don't know, but I reckon it is most
logical if one *starts* from holistic world view to begin with. This
ability to see all in holistic terms is still a new, evolutionary trend
in human thought. (Let's all pat each other on the back! :-) <g>)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1997 to 14 Apr 1997
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