HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1997 to 12 Apr 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 990 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. god <possibly off to religious>
  2. HUMOR: Your Very Own Conspiracy Theory
  3. The Economy
  4. Ways to psyche HUMOR's readers <clean>
  5. Penis Study (Adult Humor)
  6. Things I've Learned from My Children
  7. Whether weather playful words <poem>
  8. what to take to a prison <clean>
  9. Jesus and the Elves
 10. NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part1/3)
 11. darwin award candidates
 12. Another stupid lawbreaker story
 13. court joke<offensive to anyone in jail>
 14. Religin in the Schools
 15. TOP TEN KEYS TO PLAYING WELL IN COLD WEATHER
 16. Kids on Love

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 07:06:56 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: god <possibly off to religious>

thanks to Lyndie in NY for:

So, this guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey, God? What does
100 million years seem like to you?"

God answers, "One hundred million years?  That's like a second
to me."

Then the man asks, "Hey God?  What's 100 million dollars seem
like to you?"

And God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a
penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure.  Just wait a second."


Alan Campbell
BRIGHTON, UK

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 01:49:36 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Your Very Own Conspiracy Theory

CREATE YOUR OWN CONSPIRACY THEORY!!
Choose one from each section:

Tim McVeigh and... ___OJ; ___ Vince Foster; ___ The Unabomber; ___ Deep
Throat; ___ Jimmy Hoffa; ___ The National Geographic Society; ___ The cast
of "Friends"

In League with... ___ Heaven's Gate; ___ The Mickey Mouse Club; ___ The
Church of Scientology; ___ The Trilateral Commission; ___ The AARP;
___The Stanford Marching Band; ___ Barney

Met Secretly... ___ Behind the grassy knoll; ___ in Jonestown;
___ On Hale-Bopp; ___ In a pumpkin patch; ___ On a blind date;
___on the Geraldo Rivera Show

To Plot the Destruction of... ___ the World Wibe Web; ___ The National
Endowment for the Arts; ___ Wal-Mart; ___ The New World order;
___ Professional wrestling; ___ Algebra

In Order to... ___ Overthrow the government; ___ Lose weight; ___ Win the
Lotto; ___ Get in touch with their feelings; ___ Find the real killers;
___ Make a bundle on movie rights; ___ Get chicks

It's Fun!  It's easy!  It's almost as good as what you'll hear in court!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 03:16:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Economy

* I think I've found the trouble with our economy.  There are far more
  ways to get into debt, than there are to get out of it.
                                - - - - -

* That old saying about "ya can't take it with ya" never bothered me at
  all.  Hell, I can't ever afford to go.
                                - - - - -

* Even AT&T must be feeling the pinch these days.  I accidently put in
  an extra quarter in a pay phone the other day and the operator came on
  the line and said "God bless you."
                                - - - - -

* Talked to this financial advisor just last week and a lot that guy
  knows.  He told me that I should pay as I go.  Hell, I haven't even
  paid for where I've been.
                                - - - - -

* I've also discovered the whole problem with the National Debt too.  I
  mean just think about this a minute.  Most of us work 5 days a week,
  and the government spends 7.
                                - - - - -

* Living in the past has got one thing going for it -- it's cheaper !
                                - - - - -

* All this defense spending too, and for what ?  No country's ever gonna
  invade us.  They couldn't afford to live here.
                                - - - - -

* In the good old days I could live way beyond my means for half as much
  as it takes now.
                                - - - - -

* Somebody's always saying money can't buy love; money can't buy respect;
  money can't buy happiness; it can't buy this or that.  Tell ya what --
  they must be some terrible shoppers.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 12:58:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ways to psyche HUMOR's readers <clean>

In general:

* Always add an 18-line signature, giving your full name, nationality,
  postal, residential and e-mail addresses, your URL, Tel. & Fax numbers.
  Add the names of your wife and children and their pets as well as your
  mother and her pets. Include a list of your hobbies and advertise an
  obscure Mongolian newsletter, that is really funny if read in Woloff.
* Always send reposts, ideally jokes posted the previous day. Always
  add that you have read the last 700 issues of HUMOR digest and you have
  not encountered those jokes.
* Do not forget your to include lengthy ASCII art, depicting something
  witty and tasteful, like Garfield and Snoopy in a compromising position.

Now, some specific advice:

*  Copy a lengthy article from a newspaper. Using your word processor,
   change and replace letters as follows: "a" with "tz", "e" with "ko",
   "t" with "yh", "s" with "gd" and "i" with "wx". Post it as a very funny
   alien joke, in its original language, that was implanted in your brain,
   when you were abducted.
*  Post your chemistry exam paper, with all those long formulas.
   Immediately afterwards, post an extraordinarily lengthy apology,
   begging the readers to forgive you. Make up a heart-breaking story
   of how you were abused as a child, and now suffer from Multiple
   Personalities Disorder.
* Copy the first 280 lines of Ovidius' METAMORPHOSES, in Latin. Add,
   at random, but many times, "Larry" and "Randall". State that it is an
   Ode In Praise Of Lazarus Randallus that was given to you in a dream,
   by the Roman Goddess Minerva.

There's more....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 11:10:25 -0400
From:    Marianne De Shazo <Deshazo48@AOL.COM>
Subject: Penis Study (Adult Humor)

PENIS STUDY


Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the
head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.  The study took two
years and cost over $180,000.00  The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft
was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their
own study on the same subject.  They were convinced that the results
of the British study were flawed.  After three years of research and
a cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a
man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more
pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Canada decided to
conduct their own study.  The Canucks didn't really trust the British
or German studies.  So, after nearly three weeks of intensive
research and a cost of around $75 bucks, the Canadian study was
complete and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a
man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from
flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 08:51:20 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Things I've Learned from My Children

Just a few reminders for those of you with or contemplating adding to the
population.......think again.

Things I've Learned from My Children (honest and no kidding):

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old
man says they can only do it in the movie.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does
not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not.

'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.

SuperGlue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on
water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry.'

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

--Author Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 12:58:30 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Whether weather playful words <poem>

Whether the weather is cold
  or whether the weather is hot,
We must weather the weather
  whether we like it or not.

Source: James Story <james_story@jdedwards.com>
        Jim is brilliant, but I doubt whether he wrote that gem.
        My guess is Odgen Nash wrote it.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 18:11:20 +0100
From:    DiSc <schuhmad@TCD.IE>
Subject: what to take to a prison <clean>

Subject: What to take to a prison <clean>


Three new inmates are sitting in their cell, contemplating their futures.
The first takes out a mouth organ. =84At least I can keep myself amused by
playing a litlle music. It'll help to pass time." The second takes out a
pack of cards. =84We can wile the time away playing poker", he says. The=
 third
man takes out a pack of tampons. "What the hell are you going to do with
those?" - =84It says on the box I can ride, swim , ski, and play tennis with
these...."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 11:18:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Jesus and the Elves

(...and we thought WE were getting TOO politically correct...)

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused
wife, who was great with child.  And she brought forth a son and
wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there
was no room for them in the inn.  And the angel of the Lord spoke to the
shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy.  Unto you is born
a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be
strolling by.  As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as
religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such
symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a
Nativity scene," he said sadly.  "That's a no-no, too."  Joseph had a
bright idea.  "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox
and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as
anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on
the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some
sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves
and snowmen, too," he said.  "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it
veered dangerously toward religion.  Off to the side of the crowd, a
Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.  Mary complained that she
and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.  "Artistic
license," he said.  "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless
in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.  "We're not
haggard or homeless.  The inn was just full," said Mary.  "Whatever,"
said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely.  One said she objected to Jesus'
birth "because it privileged motherhood."  The other scoffed at virgin
births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in
family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all
for them.  "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was
cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form
of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse
and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd,
where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of
reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the
infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy
debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy
should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the
side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use
of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries
the subliminal message of human dominance.  He passed out two leaflets,
one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other
arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are
incarcerated against their will.  He had no opinion about elves or candy
canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the
obviously exploited ass and ox.  Someone said the halo on Jesus' head
was elitist.  Mary was exasperated.  "And what about you, old mother?"
she said sharply to an elderly woman.  "Are you here to attack the
shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that
singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say
that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb
new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the
Magi are here."  Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.  The crowd
gasped, "They're all male!"  And "Not very multicultural!"  "Balthasar
here is black," said one of the Magi.  "Yes, but how many of you are gay
or disabled?" someone shouted.  A committee was quickly formed to find
an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your
son will change the world."  At last, a sane person, Mary thought.  She
turned to see a radiant and confident female face.  The woman spoke
again:  "There is one thing, though.  Religious holidays are important,
but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For
instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,'
why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the
message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"  "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman.
"Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he
doesn't push the religion thing too far.  Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office
parties on his birthday.  That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

by John Leo, US News & World Report columnist & author of a new book,
"Two Steps Ahead of the Thought Police."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 19:50:47 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part1/3)

EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes
around on the net from time to time... but thanks to
squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK, who posted these on the Giggles List, and
deserves our gratitude, we have an ENTIRELY NEW batch of them. 
--------------------

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and
his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic
lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our
client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."

"Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely
interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in
loo' settlement."

"The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so
hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was
in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free
estimates for Accident Repairs'."

"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?"
A: "Travelled by bus?"

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another
on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."

"I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse"

"I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote
off my Volvo".

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car
didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me."

"Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle
approached from nowhere and collided with my car."

"Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea."

-----
(to be continued)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 15:51:02 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: darwin award candidates

Michigan, USA.

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has
400+ dollar monthly payments.  He immediately gets ahold of his friend and
they go do some male bonding.  They go duck hunting and of course all the
lakes are frozen.

These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and
of course the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  Remember, it's all ice and
in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering
duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more
effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a
short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they
are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping
on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in
smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40 second
fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns AND THE DOG ????

Yes, the dog.  A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially
things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice
and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping,
waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments
before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2
bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to
new heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done
before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is
loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its
appointed rounds.  Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues
on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have
gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short
fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds?  Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some
thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar
400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2
candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this
"I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells
him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not
covered.  He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 17:20:56 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Another stupid lawbreaker story

On Tuesday, a mentally unstable person threw a firebomb into a
courtroom here in Urbana, IL. Nobody was seriously hurt, praise God.
But it did get county officials off their duffs to install some
security in the courthouse, including a metal detector. This was all
over the news for the last few days, making even the national radio &
TV news -- you may have seen it yourself. Of course, locally, it was
*huge* news since Urbana is a relatively small town. It was the subjet
of local gossip all week.

6 1/2 hours after the metal detector went into service Thursday,
Donnell Clemons, 36, who was on probation on a weapons charge, walked
in, saw the metal detector, and went ahead and went in anyway! Of
*course* they nabbed him.

I guess he was the kind of guy who doesn't watch, listen, or read the
news 8-)

........................................................................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 23:00:37 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: court joke<offensive to anyone in jail>


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see
you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first
one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this
                   ____
                 /     \
                 |     |        O
                  \____/

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach.  I drew two circles like this
                            ____
                          /     \
                 O       |      |
                          \____/

and told them this (small circle) is your asshole before prison...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 13:48:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Religin in the Schools

>Sent From: Kathy Arnold <kathy.arnold@ce.gatech.edu>

Kids, Religion, & Periodic Tables

What follows are some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday
School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasions. They are
absolutely precious. Enjoy.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam & Eve were created from an apple
tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark, which the
animals came on in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night..

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be
led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slated the Philistines
with the xe of apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where
they made nleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy
mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews
in the Battle of Geritol. THe greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. Solomon,
one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate
contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat
alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord
were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the
apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a
taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

And on to science:
-----------------
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium  Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements
that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts
only morons.

Canadium  Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called
Boron.

Innofensium  Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess
magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium  Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium  Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium  Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you
do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and
scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium  Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot  Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.


---
Your spellchecker doesn't work worth a shirt...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 12 Apr 1997 01:35:27 -0400
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN KEYS TO PLAYING WELL IN COLD WEATHER

TOP TEN KEYS TO PLAYING WELL IN COLD WEATHER

10. Watch the Cubs and do the opposite

9. Have batting girl warm you up

8. Face Tigers or Phillies pitching as often as possible

7. Battery warmed athletic supporter

6. Field entire team with surname "Zamboni"

5. Group hugs in the dugout

4. Cold hands...warm crotch... 'nuff said

3. Drink some Bud and swing at the ball in the middle

2. Do not stick tongues on aluminum bats

1. A stretched groin is a happy groin

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Date:    Sat, 12 Apr 1997 01:43:49 -0400
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kids on Love

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally
got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7


HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8


CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7


ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9


REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
good too."
Greg, age 8


HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails
nearly as much."		Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together
in the dark."		Sherm, age 8


CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."		Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."	John, age 9


CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is
on television."		Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."     Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10


THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."		Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."	Ava, age 8


SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."	Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."	Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
worry if their parents are right there."	Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."	     Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."	Bart, age 9


HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love."	Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold...Other people care more about the food."	Bart, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just
wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."	Sandra, age 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on
fire."		Christine, age 9


HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all
over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even
stoves in their houses."		Gina, age 8


HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
you."		Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."		Carin, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."		Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...
That's why I stopped doing it."		Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission."		Roger, age 6


HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
Dick, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash."		Dave, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't
like picking what movie you want to watch."	Natalie, age 9

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1997 to 12 Apr 1997
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