HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1997 to 11 Apr 1997
There are 19 messages totalling 656 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humor: Mirror Kissing
  2. Deep thought
  3. Moore on Women <adult Humor>
  4. Reasons to kill your husband <adult>
  5. Bill of no rights
  6. Law on the March
  7. Quotes part 86
  8. Measurement (clean)
  9. HUMOR: A definition
 10. Various jokes about Jews
 11. NOTICE (fwd) <off. to the overly sensitive>
 12. Two birds, one stone (clean)
 13. Military cargo plane
 14. funny weird stories
 15. Rush <may be off. to Rush or his fans...>
 16. Quotation <clean> English Language <mild>
 17. donkey racing in texas <offensive to anyone associated with the church>
 18. Phone call to Hell <clean,off. to Pakistanis>
 19. Secrets revealed

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 16:56:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Mirror Kissing

>Sent From: Dogbyte <dogbyte@goodnet.com>

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older
girls starting to use lipstick.  When applying it in the bathroom they would
then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.  He gathered all the
girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in
the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the
school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to
clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the ladies did not fully
understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness
just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the
mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

---
"2400 baud sucks." -- V.bis and Baudhead

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 09:36:28 +0200
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Deep thought

When someone is born or when we get something new we rejoice and
celebrate, but when someone dies or we lose something dear to us we
start mourning. Just like Life is a moment, so is death another moment.
Why do we have different feelings?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 03:38:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Women <adult Humor>

* I can now put a stop to all this "God, she..." stuff.  Consider if
  you will all of the known planets and stars.  They've never once
  been rearranged.
                                - - - - -

* The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained
  to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.  When she
  had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied,
  "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging
  documents.  My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."
                                - - - - -

* Personally, I think the reason the girls and women of today will do
  things their Mothers wouldn't ever think of doing is that their Mothers
  didn't think of doing them.
                                - - - - -

*   The Mother came home early from shopping and entered the darkened
  living room to find her daughter making love with her boyfriend on the
  couch.  She gasped, then exclaimed, "Well -- I Never !!!"
    There was a slight pause, then, out of the dark came her daughter's
  voice, "But Mother... you must have."
                                - - - - -

*   Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems.  But
  when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding
  I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride.
    "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely
  awake from a wonderful night of love-making.  More out of habit than
  anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."
     I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't
  even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some
  spending money.
    "No no !" he said, "You don't understand.  She was half asleep too and
  gave me $30 change."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 12:28:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Reasons to kill your husband <adult>

*  Aliens behind the Hale-Bopp comet told you to kill your husband.
*  Your back yard soil needs nourishment and his body can provide it.
   (So, he'll be more useful dead than alive).
*  You could really, really, REALLY use the insurance money.
*  Frustrated Housewife's Syndrome.
*  Possibility exists of getting another husband who doesn't make
    embarrassing sounds with his asshole.
*  His armpits.
*  The way he looks.
*  The way he looks at other women.
*  The way he looks at other men.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 07:58:06 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Bill of no rights

The Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren,
hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other
liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of
No Rights.

ARTICLE I

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no
one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but
the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but
from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public
health care.

ARTICLE VI

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and kill you.

ARTICLE VII

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not
want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant
with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.


Copyright c Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 09:42:19 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Look for Us in the Yellow Pages under Asshole

The first listing in the legal section of the New Haven, CT Yellow Pages is
AAAAA, which stands for A Accident Attorneys Always Affordably Available. The
listing belongs to Mark Salomone, which is why another attorney is suing the
company that publishes the Yellow Pages. Attorney Francis Shea sued Southern
New England Telecommunications Corp. for the way it allows lawyers to grab
the first listings by using trade names that begin with one or more A's. The
lawsuit refers to John Haymond, who advertises under the name Affodable Legal
Services. And don't forget Jonathan Zorn, who would be at the end if he
hadn't named his firm A to Zorn Legal Services. Shea says there's a lot of
money in personal injury clients, which these A-plus lawyers are trying to
entice. He says consumers will usually stop at the first name they see.
"Consumers are naive, you know?"

Source: AP

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 16:04:09 CET
From:    Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 86

TO GET THE WHOLE LIST OF QUOTES YOU CAN USE FTP COMMAND.
THE SITE IS VENUS.CI.UW.EDU.PL, AND DIR  /pub/wisdom

#Newlan's Truism:
   An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
   government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a
#Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
  better than no government at all.
#Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
#Hacker's Law:
  The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
  a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
#Turnaucka's Law:
  The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
  electrical cord.
#Leibowitz's Rule:
  When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
  hold the hammer with both hands.
#Bureaucrat, n.:
  A politician who has tenure.
#Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
#On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
  "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
  Wolfgang Pauli
#Hanson's Treatment of Time:
  There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
  days before Saturday.
#LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
  Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by
  your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious
  and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
#Grabel's Law:
   2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
#If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
  Graham Summer
#Rule of Defactualization:
   Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
#Oliver's Law:
   Experience is something you don't get until just after you
   need it.
#In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from
   handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
#You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
#The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
   You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
#Boling's postulate:
  If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
#Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
  on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
#Quality Control, n.:
   The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming
   off a production line to make sure that at least one out of
   100 works.
#I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
   Lillian Hellman
#Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
   A. E. Newman
#People often find it easier to be a result of the past than
   a cause of the future.
#Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
#Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be
   wrong.
   Oscar Wilde
#Mustgo, n.:
  Any item of food that has been sitting in the
  refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
  Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
#Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what
   is right.
   Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 16:03:20 +0200
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Measurement (clean)


Q: How will you measure the height of a building given a barometer?

A1: Go to the top of the building, throw the barometer down and find the
time it takes to hit the ground and break. You can calculate the height
of the building.

A2: Tie a string to the barometer, go the top of the building and
release it slowly with the string. Just when the barometer touches the
ground stop. measure the length of the string, this is the height of the
building.

A3: The easiest way is, go to the contractor/builder give him the
barometer and ask him for the height of the building.

-=)Juggy(=- It is easier to do a thing right, than to explain why it
went wrong.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 09:50:20 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: A definition

Intellectual Snob: Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture
                   and not think of the Lone Ranger.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 12:09:02 PDT
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Various jokes about Jews

Why is money green?
        Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
        Somebody dropped a quarter.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
        Because air is free.

What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
        He breaks his nose.

What's a Jewish dilemma?
        Free ham.

Whats the definition of a queer Jew?
        Someone who likes girls more than money.

How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
        Marry her.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
        and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.
        'Force yourself,' she replied.

Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
        Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.

What's the difference between karate and judo?
        Karate is a method of self-defence, and judo is what bagels are
        made of.

How did they know Jesus was Jewish?
        Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his
        father's business, his mother thought he was God -- and he
        thought his mother was a virgin.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
        'None, dahling.  I'll sit in the dark . . .'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 15:16:35 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: NOTICE (fwd) <off. to the overly sensitive>

This just came in to me from Jerry, a friend who should have eaten the
pudding:

The following message was misdirected and inadvertantly delivered to my
office. Sorry for the delay I hope it is not too late.

     STARDATE 10357.22     (March 28, 1997)

     To:  Heaven's Gate Personnel:

     BECAUSE OF EXTENSIVE TAIL WINDS CAUSED BY THE COMET HALE-BOPP, PICKUP
     OF THE 39 PASSENGERS HAS BEEN DELAYED UNTIL 3024 WHEN WE PASS THE
     PLANET AGAIN.

     DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
   *** REPEAT ***  DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME !!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 15:21:07 -0700
From:    Larry Barnes <lbarnes@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: Two birds, one stone (clean)

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had
your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a
drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 15:37:59 -0400
From:    Arin Friedlander <Psyclone@AOL.COM>
Subject: Military cargo plane

 A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly
loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up,
but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to
the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane
lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the
pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They
heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
  He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into
a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit
me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying
even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me
on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on
the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's
so funny?" The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"

-- From Adam Rosenfeld
(http://users.aol.com/psyclone)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 17:03:28 -0500
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: funny weird stories

>>> Burglars take pregnant woman to hospital
Source: Reuters
WARSAW (03-31) - Three armed thieves interrupted their
burglary to take a pregnant woman to the hospital - then
returned and finished the job.
The pregnant woman developed abdominal pains soon after
three armed men broke into her apartment. One suspect was
left with the woman's husband while the other two used their
car to transport the woman to a nearby hospital. They then
returned to complete their burglary.
All three men were arrested shortly after.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 16:32:26 +0100
From:    Daniel Israel <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: Rush <may be off. to Rush or his fans...>

What's the difference between Rush Limaugh and the Hindenberg?

One is a flaming Nazi gas-bag.  The other is a dirigible.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 20:11:25 -0400
From:    Jacqueline C Grant <jgrant@HEJIRA.HUNTER.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: Quotation <clean> English Language <mild>


Quotation

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
---------------
English Language

Groom:    I would like to thank you all for coming, from the bottom
          of my heart, and from my wife's bottom too.


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 21:15:59 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: donkey racing in texas <offensive to anyone associated with the church>

Donkey Racing in Texas...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there
was a fortune
in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that
the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise,
the donkey came in third. The next day the headlines read:

"PREACHERS ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races
again. This time he won! The news read:

"PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The bishop of the church saw the headline and was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The headlines read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS"

This was too much for the Bishop to take, so he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The headlines read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey - so she found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10
.00. The
headlines read:

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

They had to bury the Bishop the next day. The headlines read ...

"NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Apr 1997 09:23:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Phone call to Hell <clean,off. to Pakistanis>

         This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zia Ul Haq days. Once when
         the art telephone system of Pakistan.  RG even  made  a  call  to
         hell  and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes.
         The bill came to just 1 pakistani rupee.

         RG was highly impressed by Pakistan's telephone system and  after
         coming  back  to  India ordered the ministry of communications to
         come up with equally good system in record time so  that  he  too
         can  show  it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a
         couple of months.  Indeed when ZH came to India , RG  showed  him
         the  telephone  system.   ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10
         minutes.  The bill came to 300 indian rupees.

         ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of  the  call  to  hell
         being  so  expensive .  RG was furious and wanted to know why the
         call to hell was so expensive.  The engineers immediately came up
         with  the  reason.   A call to hell from India is a long distance
         call,but from Pakistan its only a local call .


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 08:04:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Secrets revealed

It seems that, late in the war in Vietnam, the CIA became displeased
with the amount of cooperation they were getting from the South
Vietnamese government.  So, they decided to stage a coup, depose
then-President Thieu, and install someone more to their liking.

A special field agent, code name "Jack," was dispatched to meet with the
Saigon bureau chief (code named "Santa"), and work out a plan.  The plan
was that the local agents (code names "Comet," "Cupid," "Donner," and
"Blitzen") would lay the groundwork, bribing guards, setting up escape
routes, and so forth.  Then, on a specified night, "Jack" would
assassinate the head of the army, General Po, by releasing poison gas
into the ventilation system of his residence.  Following this, he would
kidnap President Thieu, who was thought to have some value alive, and
take him to the coast, where "Jack's" partner, "Jill," would be waiting
with a boat to take them to an offshore submarine.

All seemed to be going according to plan.  Then, on the very day the
coup was to be carried out, one of the local agents was captured by the
South Vietnamese secret police!  "Santa" knew that this particular agent
wasn't very good at resisting torture, and would soon be screaming out
all he knew.  Knowing he had to work fast, "Santa" wrote up a special
coded message, and had a courier get it to "Jack" immediately.  Luckily
for the CIA, "Jack" received the message in time, so the plan was
aborted, and a messy international incident was averted.

The message "Santa" sent, after decoding, read: "Go to Jill.  Go
directly to Jill.  Do not gas Po.  Do not collect Thieu--Donner
hollers."

---
Incorrigible punster - do not incorrige.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1997 to 11 Apr 1997
************************************************
